Sarah Schieber

Our Free Life!

2011-09-12T09:16:00.001-04:00

Hi All - I wanted to let you know that I have posted my first blog in a LONG time on my website. Please follow the link and get caught up on our life . . . it will be worth your time, I promise!

Blessings!
www.sarahschieber.com

Been Too Long!

2010-06-28T12:39:00.002-04:00

Greetings Friends!

I apologize for my long, long absence in cyberspace. My goodness it has been too long. I wanted to make you all aware that my blog is now being hosted through my website. I have just posted a new blog . . . and plan to be at it more regularly now. Please check it out at www.sarahschieber.com. It works much like this . . . only maybe even a little bit better.

Blessings! I hope to see you there!

Saved

2010-01-23T22:31:00.000-05:00

Oh, my friends! I have to tell you . . . I am SO in awe of my life. . . but WAY more than that . . . I am SO in awe of God! I have to tell you that there is a growing amazement with all that happens in my life these days and with that, a continued and growing awareness of ALL that God is!

I have gone back to choir at our church. I was in choir when Chad died and tried to go back to it three months after – but it was just too painful. Too much like trying to pretend that life was the same. Too many songs that reminded me of him. Too many questions that I was wrestling with while ‘pretending’ that I was alright. It was just too difficult.

I have found it to be a breath of fresh air this time around. It is worship smack dab in the middle of the week (Wednesday night rehearsals.) I love worship. I love how no matter how I feel at the point of entering into worship . . . my needs at that moment are ALWAYS ministered to by the power of the Holy Spirit.

On top of all of that . . . I am being given the opportunity to sing some of the solo’s that were so precious to me before Chad died. Tomorrow I get to sing a solo called ‘Saved.’ The truth is . . . this was Chad’s favorite song that the choir sang. He LOVED it! The truth also is . . . I can barely contain myself as I sing it! You see – Somehow – through all that I have been through these past two years – I have found such amazement in the fact that YES, I am SAVED! Jesus gave HIS life for ME . . . so that I can live in salvation. So that I can know forgiveness. So that I can anticipate Heaven! But friends . . . what I have discovered at such a deep, deep level is that salvation is only the very beginning of what God wants to be to me. Salvation is only scratching the surface.

At one point in the song the lyric says, “You’re my Glory and the Lifter of my head, Strong Deliverer . . . You’ll fight my battles in my stead.” I want to absolutely jump out of my skin! FRIENDS!!!!!! God wants to be SO MUCH MORE to you than just a ticket into Heaven. Oh . . . don’t get me wrong . . . that is the first step toward SO much more. But friends . . . he wants to be the very foundation of EVERY part of your life. He wants to be the Glory and the Lifter of your head! He wants to fight your battles. He wants to be the cocoon that you crawl into on the days when you don’t know which way is up. He wants to be the wisdom in your job and the favor with your boss. He wants to be the peace in your home and the calm of emotions between you and your spouse . . . or you and your children . . . or whomever. God wants to be ‘relationship’ with you.

I have found, through the horrible trials of my life, that God is so much more than I ever dreamed He could be. How is that? I loved God SO much before. But now . . . now there is just an amazement. If salvation is the first step – the surface – then I believe one of the sweet, sweet gifts that I am finding FAR beneath the surface of ALL that God is, is that He truly is my Sustainer. I have found true surrender. I can do NOTHING on my own. I am SO very far from being all that God wants me to be. In fact, I am learning the gift of just letting go. I don’t want to control my life. My life is NOT my own – I would so much rather it be God’s. I would so much rather let Him be all that He wants to be in my life. He wants to be my sustainer, my deliverer, the glory and lifter of my head. My strong tower!

I have been to the valley of the shadow of death and the truth is that I did not find peace in the valley until I truly surrendered my will and ALL that was wrapped up in it (the questions, dreams, plans, hopes) and just let God be God. The truth is that somewhere along my journey I figured out that I could spend the rest of my life asking ‘why?’ Or, I could truly learn to surrender to the sovereignty of who God is. I could learn to let go . . . and truly let God. I could learn to be still . . . and know. Really? I will never know the ‘why?’ I HAD to choose to surrender my will . . . to His.

Maybe this is the place that Paul had come to when he penned Philippians 4 . . . that he had learned to be content in EVERY situation because he had learned the he could do anything with the help of Christ who gave him strength. Paul had learned that no matter what . . . he could just throw up his arms and trust the sovereignty of who God is! That no matter what he faced – he had Christ – Salvation . . . and SO MUCH MORE!!!!!!

Lord, may we know the fullness of ALL that You long to be in us and for us. Lord, may we learn to truly surrender. Thank You for Salvation. Thank You that we can surrender . . . and be content.

Happy 111 Day!

2010-01-11T17:44:00.001-05:00

Did you know that today is 111 day? It is January 11th. I know – it means nothing to most of you – but to us, it is a special day. You see, Chad’s badge number was 111, and after he died it was our ‘sign.’ We saw 111’s everywhere and it always felt like Chad was just giving us a squeeze or saying ‘hi.’ I will never forget the Sunday after Chad died. Our pastor asked me to have my CD available to purchase after the two Sunday services at our church. (At that time I only had my first solo album Gratitude recorded.) Between the two services we sold 111 CD’s. Coincidence? I think NOT! It just felt like Chad was saying, “Babe, I’m still taking care of you . . . don’t worry.” You may think that is ridiculous – I probably would have BEFORE I lost the (first) love of my life. But now? Now I believe. Hebrews 12:1 tells us that there is a ‘great cloud of witnesses that has gone on before to cheer us on.’ I believe that Chad is more a part of our lives now than when he was on Earth. He is cheering us on AND . . . has a direct link to God. Hmmmmm . . . . something to think about.

Tomorrow . . . is my baby girl’s birthday. Abbi will be 14! Wow! Tonight we are having a birthday dinner with all six kid’s and my new in-laws (who are WONDERFUL grandparents to my kids.) I have to tell you that as I was getting dinner ready and thinking about wrapping her presents . . . I was just overcome with grief. Ug! I want to ask ‘will this ever end?’ But, I know the answer to that question is ‘no.’ The grief will never end. Practice held me and let me cry. It doesn’t seem to be bothering Abbi – but it just doesn’t seem fair to my mama’s heart that she has to celebrate her birthday without her daddy here! So, I mourn once again for my child . . . and some days . . . Chad’s death still pierces me . . . and all days . . . it just doesn’t make sense.

That being said, I have some exciting news. If you have followed my blog for long, you may remember that I have felt the stirring to write a book. I had hoped to have it written and released by now, but on the heels of writing and recording an album that was VERY emotional . . . I just needed a break. Not to mention the fact that I got married and moved! So, I have been feeling the pressure to get back to writing – but not feeling the ‘stirring’ AT ALL! Friends – I don’t know if you have noticed, but I am not a ‘daily’ blogger . . . or even a ‘weekly’ blogger. I just can’t see the sense in writing if there is nothing ‘stirring.’ I figure if YOU are going to take your precious time to read what little ol’ me has to say, then it better be something profound or moving. So, I wait for that ‘stirring’ to hit.

I have just been waiting to feel that ‘stirring’ to begin writing the book again. Beginning to worry . . . and praying it would come. Well friends – last week it hit and I am so excited to take the process back up and write the book. Know what? I am also very excited that I took the time off that I did . . . because I sense God taking this book in an awesome direction that I think will have a profound impact on many people. Originally, the book was going to be about a man. It was going to tell the story of Chad, and I, our life together and all that God did for us after his death. Today though, I really feel that the primary focus (while still telling our story) will be on ALL that God took me through after Chad died and God’s amazing faithfulness. It WILL be the journey of my grief . . . told in and through my journals from the year following his passing. As I read my journals now . . . they are profound. They are like modern-day Psalms and as I share them in concert or through counseling others who are experiencing grief – they really seem to touch lives. So . . . the process is taking off. I am so thankful for the ‘stirring’ and so truly desperate for God to speak through me. I don’t want anyone to see me . . . I want God to be exalted and glorified! So as I leave you on this 111 day . . . I think I will leave you with a short entry from two years ago today . . . . This one really isn’t that profound . . . but it IS a window into where I was at three months into my journey.

January 11th, 2008
Today is 111 day. Chad Michael – I miss you so much! We just had spiritual emphasis at church – you would be so excited! I just can’t believe how much I miss you. My heart and spirit are pierced with grief. The kids got new furniture today – you would love it! My dearest love . . . I can’t breathe without you! I miss you!

Blessings All!

In Awe!

2010-01-02T21:33:00.001-05:00

Friends . . . I am absolutely in AWE of my life! My goodness. Today I would like to take you on a journey back in time. My prayer is that by giving you a glimpse into one particular part of my journey, that you will be encouraged for your journey. I know that SO many of you who read this blog are hurting. So many of you have lost and are grieving.

I want you to know that two years ago today, I thought my life was over. Two years ago today I could NOT see a future. Two years ago today I did not WANT to see a future.

One year ago today . . . I met Practice. One year ago today . . . we went on our first date and the beginning of the rest of my life happened. The truth is, though, that the beginning of the rest of my life was happening LONG before one year ago today.

And today, friends? Today . . . I am the happiest woman in the world . . . absolutely in awe of all that God has done . . . but . . . we will get to that in a moment.

I want to share with you my journal entry from January 2, 2008. I remember HATING the ‘New Years’ holiday that year. Everyone talking about all the good from 2007 and ‘looking forward’ to a new year! I hated it! HATED IT!!!!!! I didn’t want to live! I didn’t want a new year! I didn’t want life to keep moving forward when ALL I wanted was my old life back! Here, friends, is my journal ~

January 2, 2008

Purposeless. We have turned the corner on a new year and I feel lost. Purposeless. My purpose and hopes and dreams and prayers were wrapped up in the joy of my marriage and all we felt called to. Now, I am lost!

God – please nuzzle me in. Please give me signs that You are still working on my behalf. I need big and awesome signs right now – not to lay down a fleece. How do I go back to the activities of life? Please give me hope, vision, strength.

How can Chad really be dead? I just can’t fathom it – my God!!!!! My heart hurts so badly. The turn of this new year means returning to so many of the old . . . choir at church, bible study, etc . . . all without Chad. I mourn the old. Please help me to see the future – PLEASE God! I feel so lost!

Chad, how could I ever miss you more? My heart is broken. I would rather die than be without you! I cannot stop weeping! I feel so alone.

Oh, God! I miss Chad SO much. How can this be my life now? God, I feel so alone from you, too. Lord, please minister to my spirit! Please help me walk through this grief. There are SO many questions.

Can I be happy without a man and will You make me learn to be happy without one before You’ll bless me with one? I’ve never seen myself alone. All my hopes and dreams had Chad in them. I don’t want to be alone! Please don’t punish me! Please bring me a wonderful man. Please God – PLEASE!

I feel so alone! Please bring a daddy for my babies. Lord . . . how do I walk through all this pain?

Lord, somehow I know that You are holding me. Please help me! I am CHOOSING to trust You! I do love You, Lord. All I’ve ever wanted is to serve You. That is harder now. Please forgive me for questioning You. I am sorry this is so hard.

Oh, friends! I know that many of you are there today. I know that for many people . . . the turn of a new year is just a magnifying glass to their pain and problems. Please let me encourage you! Folks! I have said it before and will say it again . . . GOD IS GOOD! Whatever circumstances you are facing today – they DO NOT CHANGE WHO God is! God is STILL good even when you are facing a mountain of pain and ‘purposelessness.’ Even, and ESPECIALLY, when life seems hopeless.

So, here we are today . . . in my life . . . two short years later. Oh, who are we kidding? They were long, painful years! But here we are, none-the-less. January 2, 2010. I AM the happiest woman in the world today! God is a God of restoration and not only has He restored . . . but He has blessed, my friends!

There is an AWE about my life that I am coming to realize will never leave. I thought maybe it would wear off . . . but, it won’t. I am so thankful for every breath! I know what it is to ‘lose’ in an instant – to have life as you know it change, radically and horribly, in ONE HEARTBEAT, and because of that I am left in awe of every single breath.

There is not one thing about Practice that does not leave me in awe! The fact that he is breathing. The fact that he is warm. The fact that I get to look into his eyes, and snuggle with him. I get to touch him . . . and be touched! I get to be friends with him and build a life with him. I get to watch him learn my children and be living, breathing arms around them. Those arms around my children are an extension from Heaven . . . of that . . . I am convinced. When Practice hugs my babies, I know that Chad is smiling down from Heaven!

We had the MOST wonderful first Christmas together . . . and I KNOW that Chad was smiling down on us! His babies are happy. They are smiling and laughing and engaged in life again. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Chad picked Practice for his babies. I truly believe that when Practice hugs my babies, Chad does too. You see, friends, THAT is the miracle of how God works.

I can see, now, that I have a perspective that is different than most. You see, if I may be so blunt, I know that there are many who are walking away from their marriages. Many, even, who are throwing them away. It angers me! So many are choosing infidelity over faithfulness. Many are choosing to carry offense over forgiveness. Many are choosing an end . . . over the work to make it good again. Marriage IS NOT easy! This ‘blending’ thing is one of the hardest things I have ever done. It takes CONSTANT work and communication on Practice and my part. It can be exhausting. Know what? It is also absolutely wonderful. Why? Because it is a gift. It is an everyday, living and breathing, us being Jesus to one another . . . gift! It is eight people learning to work together as a whole. It is a mama and a daddy learning to serve one another as we serve Jesus and praying that these babies will see Jesus in everything we do. It is hard . . . and big . . . and scary, sometimes. But is it is also absolutely worth it. It is a miracle!

How in Heaven’s name did God find me a farmer? How in the world did he orchestrate two broken families . . . a hurting mama and her babies, and a hurting daddy and his babies . . . finding each other and becoming whole? I will tell you that one of the keys in all of this is that the mama and the daddy had figured out how to be whole in Christ . . . THAT was the starting place. But, if you only knew ALL of the intricate stories of the back-story of our lives that eventually led us to one another. You would say it is a miracle. I . . . would agree!

And so, I am in awe! I am in awe of a great big God who was . . . who is . . . and who always will be . . . ALL that He says! He is good. He is the Healer. He is Hope and a Future.

The beginning of the rest of my life began one year ago today. No, that’s not true. It really began at 12:55 p.m. on October 7^th, 2007. The moment I hate! It felt WAY more like an ending than a beginning. But, friends, I believe that is the miracle of WHO God is! Please trust Him for YOUR new year! Please trust Him for your . . . miracle!

God Is . . .

2009-11-16T09:26:00.000-05:00

Good November Morning Friends!

Once again, I apologize that it has been SO, so long since I have blogged! My goodness. . . . is time flying by!

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of ministering at my brother’s church – Fremont Wesleyan Church – in Fremont, Michigan. It was a WONDERFUL morning of ministry. It always amazes me . . . the way the Lord shows up! He is just so faithful. It is fun to go to church after church. You might find this funny – but churches have different personalities. There are times that I go into a church – as a guest speaker/singer – and hardly a soul greets me. I leave and barely even know who the pastor was. Then, there are churches that have arms that surround me, bring me in, and connect with me. That was the case at Fremont Wesleyan. What a sweet church with a sweet spirit. Thank you to all who were there yesterday – and to the leadership of the church who made me feel so welcome and appreciated. May God continue to grow your church and bless your ministry in the Fremont area!

Do you have a church family? If so . . . I would LOVE to minister at your church! We are branching out all across America. I would love to minister at your church through a concert or a women’s retreat . . . or any combination! Please check out my website at www.sarahschieber.com and contact me regarding booking an event at your church!

My concerts are a bit unique because they are WAY more than just music. I recently went to a great concert . . .but it was all music and very little message. Mostly entertainment. That is fine . . . but it is not what you will get with a Sarah Schieber concert. You know, if a pastor gives up his pulpit on a Sunday morning – that is a HUGE burden to me . . . a huge responsibility! That pastor just handed his flock over to me to minister to. I do not take that lightly!

Honestly, I always get a bit nervous . . . not about singing . . . but about sharing my story. The reality is that my story is not a real ‘fun’ story . . . I struggle to keep it ‘up.’ But, I have to keep reminding myself that people are hurting . . . for many different reasons . . . and mine is a message of God’s faithfulness through the storms of life. THAT, my friends, is a message that transcends ALL ages, races, religions, etc . . . THAT, is a message for ALL people!

So, as my heart continues to heal, the ‘fun’ of my overall concert is returning . . . but, at the same time, the ‘heart’ of my message remains the same . . . God is SO very, very faithful! Jim told me the other night as we were analyzing all of this . . . that the message that stands out the most to him each time he sees my concert is this . . .

I tell people that the God of October 6^th – when my life was good and perfect and wonderful - and the God of October 7^th – when my life came crashing down around me . . . ARE THE VERY SAME GOD!!!!! If I believed that God was good on October 6^th . . . then He was still good on October 7^th. If I believed that God had good plans for me on October 6^th . . . .then I still had to believe that God had good plans for my life on October 7^th and on ALL of those horrible, painful, terrible days to follow – the days when I could barely get from one breath to the next . . . .

Do you know what the truth of the Gospel is friends? The truth is that our circumstances DO NOT change WHO God is! If you believed God was good before you got cancer, before you lost your job, before your child rebelled, before the storms of life ravaged your life . . . .then the reality is that you have to dig deep right now! You have to go back to the foundation of Christ in your life . . . I KNOW it is hard! Oh boy . . . do I KNOW it is hard!

I could not SEE God’s goodness through those toughest days of grief! And I certainly could not FEEL God’s goodness. One of my counselors, though, told me that it is in times like that that we must go back to what we KNOW to be true about God . . . not what we FEEL. Wow! Think on that one for a while.

Today – no matter what circumstances are staring you down. No matter what storm you are facing . . . I simply want to encourage you to go back to what you KNOW to be true about God. What did you KNOW before your circumstances changed? What did you believe before the waters rose?

My friends . . . God is God. Period! The end! Our circumstances DO NOT CHANGE ‘Who’ He is!

Chad Schieber Memorial Run is this Saturday!

2009-10-14T13:25:00.006-04:00

Please join me this Saturday morning, October 17, for the Chad Schieber Memorial Run. It starts at 11:00am at Emerson Park in Midland. This is an informal 5K run. We're asking for a minimum donation fo $5.00 that will go to the Chad Schieber Memorial Scholarship Fund. Or you can donate on-line. See details below.

Through this scholarship we will be establishing a young drivers incentive program that Chad dreamed of doing someday. This is a fabulous way to make Chad's dream come true!!

DONATE ONLINE: This link is to the Midland Area Community Foundation ONLINE donation page. Please follow the steps and complete the form. Note that when you click on the link you will notice that under FUND (which has a drop down menu) it defaults to the “MACF Unrestricted Endowment Fund” – this is the fund that needs to be used for your donation. Please also note that you must type in Chad Schieber in the “This gift is in memory of” section and check the box to the left. This is the only way the Midland Area Community Foundation will know that the donation is for the pinecone fund.

The Beast!

2009-10-06T10:42:00.003-04:00

Well Folks! Here we go again!

I really don’t know why . . . maybe it is because of the level of happiness in my life right now. Maybe it is because it feels like we have started over and are living a new life. Maybe it is sheer naivety! Whatever it is . . . I have once again been struck by the ‘mack truck’ of grief!

What am I naïve about? Well – tomorrow is the two year anniversary of Chad’s passing (October 7th), and I really thought that I could skate through this week without many tears! Ha! Boy, was I wrong! Proving, once again, that the beast of grief is a force all it’s own with a mind of it’s own AND emotions that do not always follow the course I think they should take!

My very sweet new Mother-in-law called this morning. She lost a son in a car accident 19 years ago – and so, has an understanding of this beast! She intuitively asked if maybe we could go pick out a tree today - that the kids and I can plant tomorrow so that we have a piece of their daddy here on the farm. What a wise and wonderful woman! What a gift!

I have wrestled with what to do tomorrow. . . last year was SUCH a big deal! We treasured every moment of it as a family. Everyone came (even my sister – all the way from Pennsylvania). I took the kids out of school for the day. We had a private and wonderful day which ended in me giving the kids our dog Miah (you can read about it on my October blog from 2008.)

The kids, of course, thought that they should stay home from school again tomorrow . . . to which I told them ‘no.’ I told them that we are alive this year – there are school pictures tomorrow . . . the boys both have football practice and Abbi has a basketball game. I told them that this year we are FULLY alive and that that is the way their daddy would want it.

But, at the same time, as their mama . . . I realize that it is MY responsibility to keep Chad’s memory alive for them. The reality is that there are two days a year that will forever be ‘daddy’ days. Two days each year that as their mama I really and truly have a burden to honor their daddy apart from all else. . . the day he died . . . and his birthday (November 27th.) You know what the truth is? October 7th will NEVER be ‘just another day’ to us! It can’t be! October 7th is a day that sticks out at the forefront of my life’s journey . . . and surely it does for my kids.

I will work VERY hard, as their mama, to keep tomorrow upbeat! To ‘celebrate’ their daddy and his life! To remember the good! But the truth is . . . is that in my private time – I have already and I’m sure will once again – weep! Last night I just couldn’t keep it together. Jim left to run an errand, the kids were all SIX in bed and sleeping, and I . . . crumpled in a heep on my closet floor and wept. It still amazes me that while the pain is truly so much further and farther between . . . when it HITS . . . it is still as deep and as painful as those horrible days when shock was turning to reality! Gut wrenching! Ug! Last night I thought I might puke my gut wrenched so bad with grief! What a beast it is! I have a wonderful new husband and wonderful new life! Where does this come from?

It comes from a place deep inside that my new husband once told me would always be there. If you have been following – you will remember that Practice told me on our first date that a part of my heart will always belong to Chad . . . I guess this grief comes straight from there! Most of the time, anymore, that part of my heart feels like just a sliver. But tomorrow . . . and last night and today . . . it feels enormous! You know what? That’s o.k.! There is SO much about tomorrow . . . so many emotions and memories that live only in MY heart and mind. There was SO much that happened to ME that day in particular – from the horrors of running a marathon in 100 degree weather with no water – having to pick used and trampled cups up off the ground just to get a tiny bit to drink . . . to searching frantically for my husband in 100,000 plus people . . . to ‘the’ phone call . . . to I.D.’ing his body . . . to knowing that I had to get home to tell my kids . . . to . . . to . . . to. . . to . . . Oh My! October 7th will NEVER be just another day!

Last week we had a special service at church – and as I sat there this blog entry came to me –

There has been a change . . . the air . . .the season. There is something about it – the smell of the air, the way the wind blows, the erie sound of the changing leaves on the trees. It is as if I cannot escape the memories. Almost as if they sit on my shoulder and haunt me. Most times of the year I can push them away. But through this season they are so profound. The await around each blink of my eyes or sniff of the air.

Tonight we had church – and let me tell you WE HAD CHURCH!!!!!! I worshipped and felt SO happy and free and full! So thrilled to feel whole again! I am amazed at how far two years has brought me . . . brought us! As worship ended I reached over and hugged my little Micah . . . and I was INSTANTLY on the front pew of the very same church with a six-year-old boy in a suit and tie and a very lost and confused . . . blank . . . look on his face as we stared at the casket with his daddy in it.

Then – with my thoughts wrapped around that memory of October of 2007 – the choir began to sing. Friends – the choir was away at the Brooklyn Tabernacle the weekend that Chad died. Right after hearing the news of his passing – some of the people in the choir being as close to Chad as family – the choir listened as the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir sang a song. It was a song that left an unforgettable mark on that choir and on many of them personally. Now, fast forward two years. On this particular Sunday night . . .the choir began to sing that very same song! There I was – wrapped in memories of October 2007 – but being ministered to by the timeless and precious body of Christ and the Holy Spirit! The words of that song began to wash over me and strengthen me!
I never lost my hope!
I never lost my joy!
I never lost my faith!
But most of all . . . I never lost my praise!

How about you, friend? Have you lost your hope? Have you lost your joy? Have you lost your faith? Oh, my! Have you lost your praise?!!!!

Truth be told – on days like today I sometimes ‘feel’ like I have! But I am thanking Jesus that He is so much more than my ‘feelings!’ HIS hope – HIS joy – HIS faith – and the praise of WHO He is are what sustain me even on the hardest days of my new life! God is good . . . PERIOD!

This Chapter!!!!

2009-09-08T10:42:00.001-04:00

Oh Friends!

I just dropped all three of my babies off for their first day of school at their brand new schools in our brand new town! Two of them looked absolutely terrified and one was off and running . . . never skipping a beat!

Abbi is in the eighth grade. She is already on the basketball team and has made a good little friend there who has introduced her to a bunch of other kids. Abbi and Amanda met in the parking lot and were off and running. Father – please protect Abbi at school. Please give her wisdom and discernment as she chooses friends. It is a very different ball game in eighth grade . . . please bring the right friends alongside her. She is so beautiful . . . please give her wisdom beyond her years in how to handle that beauty with modesty and grace!

My sweet little Noah is not only starting at a new school . . . he is also starting middle school today. He has shown no signs of fear AT all . . . but the look in that boy’s eyes as he crawled out of the van this morning . . . ug! He seemed a bit overwhelmed. Lockers . . . changing classes . . . who to sit with at lunch . . . and just the sheer awkwardness of being eleven years old! Lord, please bless that baby today and give him peace deep within himself! Bring some good friends his way, I pray!

Then there was my baby, Micah. I walked him in . . . in elementary school they are not too cool, yet, for you to do that! The principal greeted him at the door and knew right who he was and pointed him to the gym where all the kids were gathering by classroom. He didn’t know one child in his class . . . but his new big bonus-sissy (I like that much better than ‘step-sissy’ or ‘step-mom’ . . . so I’m calling them my ‘bonus-kids’!) came running up to hug him and so did his new cousin. As I left I could see the overwhelmed look in his little face as he scanned a gym full of kids and didn’t know any of them. Lord, please bless Micah today, as well! Please bring some wonderful little friends alongside him!

I really thought I would be in tears right now. . . but, I am not! Jim is at work, and I am alone for a bit in my wonderful new home. I thought today might be tough . . . but instead it is filled with joy!

I am keenly aware that we are now, with the start of school underway, completely engulfed in our new life! The new chapter has not only begun . . . but we are fully living it. My babies don’t go to school today as Chad Schieber’s kids . . . they don’t wear a sign that says ‘my daddy died.’ They don’t face the certain pity of all those who know our story.

Today, they once again, are just Abbi, Noah, and Micah. Oh, sure, there was a security in who we were . . . but really . . . there is a sweet freedom in who we now are! I was just reading, yesterday, in Psalm 30 verse 5 . . . “Weeping may go on all night, but joy comes in the morning.” O God – may You please restore to my babies their joy! May today, and the next, and the next be a continuation of all that is good that You have restored back to us! Thank You for sustaining us! Psalm 28 verse 7 says, “The Lord is my strength, my shield from every danger. I trust in Him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy.” Lord . . . I pray that over my sweet children . . . ALL SIX OF THEM! May You be their strength and shield . . . and please, God, please fill their hearts with joy!

Adding to the reality of what today is, is the fact that yesterday marked the 23 month anniversary of Chad’s passing. That means that one month from yesterday we will mark two years! My goodness! Some of those month markers come and go and I am not affected very much. This one was one where each hour I was aware of the events of that day and all that transpired hour by hour. It was just one of those days.

I have been wide awake and praying since three A.M. Jim left for work at 5:30 . . . so I got up and made his lunch and saw him off. As he walked past me in the kitchen I reached out to touch his back . . . guess what? He was alive under that shirt. I’m sure that sounds very funny and maybe even dumb to those of you who have never lost . . . but sometimes I am just so aware that Jim is alive! Oh, thank you Jesus! I lye in bed at night and listen to the sound of his breathing . . . and I am so thankful and so in awe of God. Where did this man come from? Why was I given the gift of his love? Why does God love me so much??? And just as quickly as the thoughts of him being alive comes over me . . . my heart is filled with prayer that this husband will live!

Last night Jim looked deep into my eyes and said we will love one another for the next fifty years. I WILL not be bound by fear! And so, at the start of this new chapter I am driven to once again quote the verse that I just prayed over my babies. “I WILL trust the Lord with ALL my heart. I know He helps me, and my heart IS filled with joy.”

Father God . . . as we begin this new chapter of our lives . . . we choose to trust You! We will live each day to the fullest! We will love as never before . . . and laugh more than ever . . . and experience joy in a deeper and more pure way! We have learned the sweetness and fullness of who You are in a way that has never been known to us. We have been to the valley of the shadow of death and now are fully alive!

Father . . . as we begin this new chapter . . . we do trust You. But, Lord, please hear the cry of this Mama's heart! Please let this chapter . . . be a forever one!

Hello From….Mrs. Practice!

2009-09-04T10:03:00.001-04:00

Greetings All! Would you FINALLY like to see some pictures???? I have been told that my readers will revolt if I do not show you all some pictures soon! So, to avoid an uprising. . . please click on the title above to see the blog of my photographer, Renee Deckrow. If you live anywhere near the Mid-Michigan area you will want to consider Renee for your next photo shoot! She is amazing. You can click on the link above to go to her blog and some of our pictures!

There is so much to share with you all . . . and once school is in session next week I will be able to blog more. For today, please let me just say that I want to encourage you all to keep holding on to Jesus. My personal journey has been marked with so much suffering . . . but I can truly tell you that God is the redeemer of our suffering. Today – if you are walking through deep waters – please just keep hanging on! Keep holding out for a brighter future through Christ and His sustaining love and strength.

I cannot tell you how truly, truly happy I am! I also cannot tell you the depth of my gratitude to God for the way he has woven such beauty out of the pile of tragedy that was our life just 23 months ago. Truly – ONLY GOD could do this!

So, today, in your life, PLEASE cling to Jesus! He IS SO good! He loves you and cares for you so very, very much – even if you don’t feel it today! Trust Him. Hold on to Him! Let Him be your strength and guide! He WILL make beauty for ashes! I promise . . . but more importantly . . . so does He!

Today . . . We Remember!

2009-08-05T08:51:00.001-04:00

Today my sons and daughter and I will snuggle. We will snuggle in our great big bed that sits in front of our great big TV (both gifts to us right after Chad died) . . . it has been our place of refuge. In the days of the phone ringing 24/7 and the doorbell never ceasing to ring with folks eager to support and uplift us . . . .in the days of the loneliness when reality set in and it was clear that daddy truly was gone . . . in the days of figuring out that we, indeed, ARE moving forward . . . this has been our place of refuge. It has been where we have snuggled and wept, held one another in the moments when there was absolutely nothing to say because words could not begin to capture the depth of the emotion. It has also become a place of joy as we have traversed the waters of becoming a new family with a new normal. We have laughed in this bed. We have wept in this bed. For months and months and months my baby would cling to me each and every night as we slept in this bed. I would awake to Micah’s head buried in my chest . . . where he could hear my heartbeat. His daddy’s heart quit working, you know? I believe it was his security to hear my heart ticking deep within me. Night after night he would cling to me and bury his head there. Night after night we would snuggle, and hold, and trust that tomorrow would be a new day . . . a better day. Many women have held me in this bed. Many have prayed over me in this bed. Many . . . have wept themselves.

Today . . . we will snuggle . . . and smile . . . and laugh . . . and, yes, I’m sure cry. Today . . . we will remember from this bed.

Today . . . we will watch ALL of the home videos that I had put to DVD so that my baby could hear his daddy’s voice (please read my blog from ) Today . . . Micah will see his daddy. He will remember his hands, his smile,his eyes. He will see how tall and strong his daddy was. He will remember the hugs . . . many, many hugs from his daddy. He will remember fishing, and playing, and how goofy his daddy was. Today, we will all be taken back . . . to daddy. We will remember a time when we felt whole. When life was simple. When we thought we knew the answers and were happy that way.

The past two days have been spent boxing Chad up. Packing the house, and with it . . . Chad. The wonderful news is . . . you cannot pack up a memory . . . and so, we take daddy with us where we go.

The good news is . . . today . . . those memories will become larger than life.

Today . . . Micah will hear his daddy.

Today . . . we remember!

The Darker Side of Alone

2009-07-25T00:53:00.003-04:00

Well Friends! I don’t know who flipped what switch . . . but today ALL of the planning . . . .the house, the wedding . . . everything got put into high gear! Holy moly! Fasten your seat belts and hold on tight!

Yesterday I took all six kids shopping and we got the boys their black dress pants and white shirts. I am having their ties made – they will match the girls dresses which are also being made by a friend of mine who has a degree in fashion and is AMAZING at this stuff! The dresses she designed are absolutely perfect! I also got the boys clothes for the reception and we got the girls all shoes to go with their amazing dresses.

After about two hours of phone calls this morning – confirming everything with the rental company, going over details for the wedding and ceremony with both my soon-to-be mother-in-law (who I absolutely adore, by the way!) and my dear friend and wedding planner (and booking agent for my ministry), Collette . . . after ALL of that –Marn and I set out to Starbuck’s and then to begin plotting the registry. I am having a bridal shower - we have asked that no one bring gifts to the wedding – so Marni and I spent the day today looking at all the stores in Midland for towels, bedding, etc . . . trying to figure out what to register for for the shower. Problem is . . . I don’t have all the colors nailed down for the house – which is completely torn up and in the process of being dry-walled right now. It has been amazing to watch the house go from the original, to stripped down to the studs, the space re-allocated and framed in, insulated, and now dry-walled! Anyhow – I am meeting with the interior designer on Tuesday to figure out all the color schemes, and will then go register! Ah, the pressure.

Then, Marni and I took five of our kids and shopped (after a good workout so that I look great on my wedding day) for Practice’s clothes for the reception and honeymoon. By the way – someone asked if his name is really Practice . . . and no, it is not. His real name is Jim – but we call him practice for the blog. Read back to the Valentine’s Day post and you will learn a bit more. (I actually call him Farmer . . . but that one is just for me!)

Tomorrow Practice and I will go get his suit for the ceremony, rent refrigerators for the reception food, go to pre-marital counseling, AND we hope to go pick out carpet and flooring for the house . . . then he needs to sleep a couple hours and heads into work to work a 12 hour night shift.

Next week I need to get his house ready for us to move into (remember me saying it is all torn up right now?????) Lots of cleaning and dusting to do - PLUS beginning the work to make room for an entire ‘other’ household to be brought over. The week after that . . . I will work to pack my house up. Then, the Tuesday before the wedding we will move (the kids and I will sleep in the guest bedroom of OUR house until the wedding day.) OH MY!

In the midst of ALL of that . . . I continue to wrestle with emotions! Yesterday was a tough day. Practice and I actually had two hours alone together. We went out to eat . . . and the emotion of all that is taking place came over me as we drove back to the farm for me to get in my van and drive the half-hour home to my house. I cried and cried and cried all the way home and went straight to the cemetery and wrote the following ~

Tonight I am acutely aware of the fact that there is a BIG difference between being o.k. with ‘being’ alone . . . and the ‘feeling’ of alone! Tonight, I feel completely alone. I am not! There are people who love me ALL around me . . . but NONE of them . . . not one of them. . . have been where I am at today. Three weeks from Saturday I will say ‘I do’ to the man of my prayers. I will become his wife. With two little words I will close an enormous chapter of my life. In one beautiful, intimate, worshipful ceremony before our closest family and friends – I will leave my life as I know it. I will leave my life with Chad. With that, I take my three children with me. I am so aware of the fact that they really have no say in this matter. For the past twenty two months their lives have had no stability. And now, I have made a choice that will remove them from ALL that they have left that is stable . . . but with that . . . I have made a choice that I believe will provide them with long term, lasting, ‘daddy’ stability! Something that I, as the mama, know that they all three need . . . and so . . . I have made a decision that I believe is best for not only myself . . . but for my babies, as well.

I am SO thankful for the new! So thankful that the new has a name and a face and arms to hold me and a life to build with me.

Yet, I find myself feeling alone and exposed as I leave everything I built with Chad. We built a wonderful life! I will do the same with Practice. I can’t wait to be Mrs. Practice . . .

But here I am . . . feeling so alone! How in the world can you want two different things SO badly all at the same time? How can you long for old and new all in one breath? How can you weep . . . yet rejoice at the very same time?

And so, I am aware . . . that the ‘feeling’ of alone . . .is tough. It is scary, and painful, and difficult. I . . . am . . . alone!

Today broke with an overwhelming feeling that in three short weeks all of this craziness WILL be done. In three short weeks I WILL be Mrs. Practice. In three short weeks I won’t have to drive home anymore . . . home will be in his arms at the end of every day!

I know there will still be times that I feel alone. When the feelings of missing Chad hit . . . I feel alone now matter who I am with or what I am doing. I don’t know if that will ever change. But at the end of all of that, I, will be Mrs. Practice . . . and that, my friends, is a wonderful thing! Thank you, Lord! Thank you!

The Wonderful World of Widowhood!

2009-07-22T09:12:00.000-04:00

Good Day Faithful Readers!

I am so excited to tell you about the weekend I just had! I tried to write this blog while the weekend was actually happening . . . but I couldn’t figure out how to get onto the internet at my hotel (go figure!) Then, Marni suggested that I write it on the plane as we were flying home, which was a great idea, in theory. The only problem was that Marni talked me into letting her have one of my Zanex (anti-anxiety pill) and I spent the ENTIRE flight from California to Ohio trying to keep the woman from climbing the walls of the airplane! She completely LOST her mind. Suffice to say, there were moments I was laughing so hard I thought I would pee my pants . . . thank goodness I only took one Zanex and not my usual two – which puts me completely out! Had I done that I’m not sure who would have kept an eye on her!

Well, anyway! I spent this past weekend in San Diego, California at the 1st Annual National Conference on Widowhood. A mouthful, huh? Well! Let me tell you – what an incredible experience!

The idea for this conference was birthed out of a woman named Michele Neff Hernandez. Michele was widowed four years ago, very unexpectedly and at a pretty young age. She set out to interview other widows all over the United States to figure out what a widow was supposed to look like and be. How do you get through it? What does widowhood look like in our modern age? Who are we supposed to be?

What she found was that there is not one specific answer to these questions . . . and . . . that widows are a breed unto their own. They are strong, intelligent, amazing women. She began teaming up with other widows to support and uplift one another and along the way formed the WidowsBond website, the Widow Match program, and the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation.

Through all of that came the idea for this conference. There were 110 attendees and 25 speakers. I was blessed to be able to both speak and sing. This is a conference with no religious affiliation – so I was very excited to teach a seminar on how my faith has sustained me through my grief. When I began my presentation I explained that I am a born again Christian and that that was the premise of my talk. Two women got up and left! That was o.k.! The wonderful news is that two women came up to me afterward and told me that they have been so angry at God. . . .unable to pray or go to church. They were encouraged by my talk and were going to work on their relationships with Christ! THAT, my friends, is what it is all about!

There were women there from all walks of life! Many, MANY of them were young! What a gift to each of us . . . to find each other!

Friday evening there was a welcome reception. A very sweet young woman had just registered and turned around from the registration desk to find an empty hallway. Just then, I walked by. I could tell by the look in her eyes . . . she was so very, very lost. I introduced myself and asked her her name. Come to find out – she was widowed just three months ago. She had heard about the conference and came all by herself! My goodness! God bless her. At three months you have no idea which way is up . . . and here she stood! Wow! What an amazing woman. I met another woman that evening – with the sweetness of the Lord ALL over her. Her husband of many many years died unexpectedly just four months ago. She was a beautiful woman – both inside and out. Her daughters had brought her. How sweet to see a family clinging to one another as they grapple with the realities of this Earth.

So – what do YOU think, my friends? What does a widow look like to you? Have you ever thought about it? I sure have! I would love to hear your thoughts . . . so please let me know in the comments! When I say the word ‘widow,’ what image comes to your mind?

You know what’s funny? I still see a woman with white hair. Isn’t that weird? Here I am . . . a picture, myself, of a widow . . . but ‘me’ is not what I see.

What I see happening, today, is both a beautiful and a horrible thing . . . us younger widows are redefining widowhood! We are forming alliances and groups and support ALL over this world!

Oh yes, did I mention that there were women there from all across the globe? Friday afternoon began with a speaker’s luncheon. I sat a table with a doctor from Bagdad, Iraq! She was there to raise the plight of widows around the globe. There was another speaker there from Kenya. Hold on and fasten your seatbelts because what I am about to tell you is going to sicken you . . .

In many countries of this world, when you are widowed you are thought of as bad luck and you are then treated like the plague! In India, for example, when you are widowed they strip you of all rights and take your children away from you and place you in an area where all the widows go. Can you imagine? CAN you imagine? Oh my! I can’t! I got through my widowhood by clinging to Christ and my babies! How in the world would you make it through in a situation like that? My goodness!

A short conclusion to all of this . . . then I am off to take two cats to the vet (FUN!), clean my house, begin packing up my house to move in less than three weeks, AND . . . to keep working on wedding plans! Please check back almost daily right now! I think I will use the blog as a journal for the next few weeks as we countdown to the wedding! I am SO excited!!!!!

Well – you know that I have asked the question . . . what is a widow? I would like to tell you a discovery I had along the way this weekend . . . it is one I have had before . . . but was reconfirmed this weekend.

One of the greatest gifts that I will take away from my widowhood is gift of knowing the beauty of ‘alone.’ Last Friday I had to drive from L.A. to San Diego . . . alone. I had to deal with traffic, unfamiliar cities, and get checked into the hotel . . . alone. I had to figure out where to park my rental car, unload my luggage, and find the nearest Starbuck’s . . . alone. Thankfully . . . the Starbuck’s was right in the lobby of the hotel! What a relief!!!!! I had to get unpacked (yeah, right!), figure out what to wear to the speaker’s luncheon, and walk into a completely unfamiliar setting where I knew no one . . . alone! After the luncheon I went to the pool . . . alone. Later that day, I went shopping . . . alone.

You know what I have found? It is that while I love my friends and family . . . while I am so thankful for the gift of Practice and ALL that he has brought to my life . . . while I can’t believe the friend that I have been given in Marni (and a fabulous travel companion, by the way!) . . . I have found that I am o.k. . . . alone! I am alright . . . even great . . . as just ‘me!’ I can conquer the world . . . and drive through Los Angeles . . . .ALONE! I have found that there is not much I cannot do . . . alone! What a gift I have found in my widowhood!

A New 'Fit'

2009-07-11T09:07:00.001-04:00

Well All ~

This morning I awoke to the sound of a beautiful rain right outside my window. I love to listen to rain, and even better – there was soon a soft rumble of thunder! Oh! Do I love that!

I came out to my living room to let Miah outside and the view across the back lawns of the neighborhood was breathtaking. A soft sun beginning to shine down on the wet, green grass; a subtle bit of hays lifting to the sky. The birds are singing and the entire neighborhood is alive with the sounds of nature.

We have lived here for over seven years and as I looked out over this lovely scene, it struck me. Five weeks from today I will marry the man of my prayers! In just 35 days I will have a new view to take in each morning. In just 35 days I will awake in the arms of a man each morning . . . a gift that far outweighs the beauty of ANY view (although, I must say that the view at the farm is breathtaking, as well! )

In five short weeks the entire course of our life will change, yet again. I am amazed as I watch all four of us . . . and yes, venture to say, even all eight of us . . . adapt to these changes. I will not speak for Practice and his sweet babies . . . only for me and mine.

Our life truly HAS been one big adjustment since the day Chad died. I can see the excitement in my baby’s eyes – the love that is growing in them for their new step daddy and his entire family. Yet, there is so much to adjust to. It is funny how they all adjust at different times. One struggled very early on but now seems very excited and fine. One has no qualms about it at all. And one is really struggling with it all today – excited for the new – but worried about starting at a new school and losing friends back here in Midland.

I am watching the adjustment my boys are making as they work to fit back into being ‘sons’ to a father. I never would have expected this. Chad and I have always been BIG disciplinarians! I tried to keep that up after he died – but the reality is that we just survived for SO many months. I can see now where my kids probably ‘self disciplined’ and took care of each other while I was busy grieving and oblivious to the world. On top of that – throw in the fact that there have been MANY men in and out of their lives for the past two years. Men who have spoken into them and been here for them – but not one of them would have disciplined them. (Not that I would have expected them to or wanted them to.) We all were just trying to keep them going . . . trying to fill in a void.

Now enter Practice. He is honestly one of the wisest men I have ever met. He is one of the best fathers I have ever watched. I am amazed as I watch how he handles his children – SO, SO differently than Chad and I would have handled ours . . . it is fascinating, as a woman, to be so intimately in-tune to two different men. I was once nuzzled under Chad’s covering and I will soon be nuzzled under Practice’s. I see, even now, that I am beginning to think more like Practice . . . and a little less like Chad. It is fascinating to be the wife of two men (not that I am his wife yet . . . but I can see the transition happening as the days tick down.) Well, that is a blog for a different day.

Back to the boys . . . where all these different men worked so hard to fill the void of one man . . . now God has sent one man to fill that void. Practice will be a covering over them, as well. One strong man to be the ‘head’ over us all. What a gift! What a sweet blessing from above. But now, we must all (even me, you know . . . I have become a VERY strong woman over the past 21 months!) ‘fit’ back under the covering of a daddy. I can see my boys testing that. I can see them wresting with it a bit. They are truly, truly sweet and wonderful little boys . . . but there is definitely some adjusting to do.

Please pray for Practice as he learns to be a daddy to three more babies! What a tall order! God must really think he is something else to entrust him with us! We need a ton of wisdom right now . . . but I can tell you. . . Practice really is something else! He is truly the man of my prayers!

Thank you, Jesus!

Still

2009-06-28T10:57:00.003-04:00

Greetings Friends!

I am so sorry it has been so long since my last post! Almost a month! I'm sure you may think I have dropped off the face of the Earth, thankfully, though - I have not!

The past month has been one of many struggles. Getting through the CD release was very difficult! I cried and cried and cried! There was just SO much emotion wrapped up in all of it - - - the keen awareness that none of it would have been happening had Chad not died.

Actually . . . that is the reality of ALL of my life right now. As Practice and I begin the transition into a life together . . . wedding plans, house plans, planning for 'our' future, etc . . . it is all seasoned with the awareness deep inside that this is ALL because we lost our beloved. How does one wrestle with that? (smile) I do not have that answer, my friends. One thing I have learned through all of this is to just take one day at a time. Matthew 6 tells us not to worry about tomorrow because tomorrow WILL worry about itself. I have found that to be so true. And so, I just work on getting through today. Some days are filled with so much new joy that I cry with gratitude to the Lord. Some are still laced with the deep bitterness of missing Chad. Each and every one of them are marked by God's continued faithfulness! He is SO good!

Practice is wonderful. 48 days until I get to be his wife . . . but, who's counting?

The biggest struggle of all this past month - and the main reason I have not blogged - is that I have been dealing with some pretty big health issues. The two weeks after the CD release concert were spent in bed. I have become very anemic (again) and my iron levels are VERY low. The purpose of iron in your blood is to carry oxygen to your brain, organs, and entire body. Normal levels are between 37 and 170. Mine is 12 - and I am struggling to keep that where it is without getting lower. There have been days where just walking from my bed to my kitchen (I live in a ranch house) has left me out of breath and struggling to get a good breath. My mind is foggy ALL the time and I struggle to just think straight (no jokes, please!!!!) Anyhow - all of that makes the little things in life seam pretty big some days.

We are working to get it all straightened out. I am taking an iron pill, have received two iron infusions (a four-hour IV of iron straight into my blood), I am doing homeopathic remedies that I have used before and work VERY well, AND tomorrow I begin a new regimen of Chinese Herbs from a specialist in Chicago. I have also seen a specialist here in Midland.

All of that to say - if you think of it, please pray for me! Some days I feel great! Others, I really struggle. I have two concerts and a radio appearance in the next three days and I am feeling very tired and weak! God is always faithful and will give me just what I need! THAT, my friends, is always true!

I will keep up better on this blogging . . . or shall I say . . . I sure will try!!!!

Blessings to you all - - - whatever journey you are on, my friends, keep holding tight to Jesus and keep on keeping on!

Blessings -
Sarah

CD REALEASE - MAY 29TH!!!!!!!

2009-05-20T13:58:00.002-04:00

Good Day All!

I just wanted to invite anyone close by to PLEASE come to my CD Release Concert at Christian Celebration Center in Midland, MI on May 29th!

The concert will begin at 7:00 pm and is free . . . I really want to do this concert as a 'thank you' to everyone for their love and support throughout our journey!

PLEASE come out on the 29th for a celebration of ALL that God has done in our lives! It will be a wonderful evening!!!!! Invite all your friends and show up early . . . as the seats are sure to go fast! See you there!!!!!!

Blessings!
Sarah

A Funny Little Saying

2009-05-07T17:04:00.000-04:00

It is a funny thing, this thing called ‘grief’ . . . .and, this thing they call ‘moving on.’

Yesterday, I cried ALL day! ALL day! Most of the day, Practice was here with me . . . and I still cried. We went out to lunch . . . and I cried. We came home and discussed wedding plans and moving plans and plans and plans and more plans . . . and I cried. He went home . . . and I wept and wept and wept all alone in my giant bed . . . missing my beloved.

I know what triggered the tears. Mother’s Day. Yesterday morning I ordered gifts for all the mothers in our lives . . . and all I could think was that if I don’t ask someone to take my kids shopping for me for Mother’s Day . . . that they won’t have anything to give me on that day. Now, please note – it is NOT about the gift . . . I could care less about getting a gift . . . but it IS important to my kids! And if we go giving all the other moms gifts and they realize they don’t have anything for me . . .that would crush them. And so, it hit me, that this is their daddy’s job . . . and he is dead. And the tears began and would not stop! I’m sure this is the plight of every ‘single mom’ across America and that many of you can relate.

I am so thankful for a new beloved. I love Practice more than I ever thought I could love another man. I am so truly, truly grateful to a loving God for sending me a new beloved and my babies a new daddy. I am so excited to have three MORE children to love . . . and so, something I spoke out of faith very early on in this journey has come to fruition. . .

I will never forget one evening about a year ago now. I had gone to a concert and while I was there I got ‘hit on.’ It wasn’t the first time – but I came home and said something about it to my kids – kind of jokingly. Well, I wound up with Noah begging me to get married (because he needed a new daddy - he is my very BLACK and WHITE child!) and the other two crying. I remember snuggling into bed that night with Abbi as she wept and told me she didn’t ever want a new daddy because she wanted everything to be exactly the same as down here on Earth - when we all get up to Heaven. I tried to explain to her that when and IF God ever chose to bring us a new daddy, that it didn’t mean we would have to stop loving OUR daddy. And I went on to tell her a story . . .

I told her about when she was a baby, and we found out we were pregnant for Noah. Chad and I wondered how we could ever love another baby the way we loved Abbi. It was scary, in a way. How in the world would we ever or could we ever have so much love for another child? And yet, we soon found out what every parent of multiple children finds out along the way – that we were not given just one dose of love that had to be divided . . . but our love grew.

I tried to assure Abbi that if God sent us a new daddy, that our love for Chad would never, ever change – but that God would give us more love to go around – more love to love a new daddy with. We would NEVER have to stop loving our daddy or love him ANY less! Never could I have imagined that not only would we get a new daddy – but three new babies to love, as well.

And so yesterday, as I am weeping alone in my bed, thinking of how much I miss Chad and yet how much I love Practice and his babies . . . I was reminded of that conversation . . . so steeped with bitter tears and pain for one of my babies . . . and I knew that what I has spoken to her that night IS indeed true.

And this, friends, is where the ‘moving on’ part comes into play. I believe that as it relates to grief . . . the statement is FALSE! You see . . . there I sat weeping for my old life while loving and embracing the new. The reality is . . . there is NO SUCH THING as ‘moving on’ as it relates to Chad. Each and every day of my life I have the pleasure of looking into the eyes of his precious children and seeing glimpses of him. Every day I hear one of them laugh, and I am reminded of him. My sweet little Noah is a servant through and through JUST like his daddy – and I am reminded of him. Abbi looks just like a ‘Schieber’ - and I am reminded of him. Micah has Chad’s constant ‘twinkle’ in his eye – and I am reminded of him.

Our hearts are growing – they are not ‘moving on.’ They never will ‘move on.’ Chad will always be my beloved. Practice will be too. My heart does not have to divide the love, Praise God! My heart gets a double portion and I can pour ALL of that sweet, sweet love into a new relationship and a giant new family. One that will be stronger and wiser and appreciated all the more BECAUSE of my first beloved. But, in NO WAY, are we moving on!

Practice was right, back on our first date . . . a part of my heart WILL always belong to Chad. . . and that’s o.k. . . . because my heart just keeps growing!

Breathe In, Breathe Out

2009-05-01T17:02:00.007-04:00

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Ah, Friends! There is a stirring within me today! These are the days when I love to blog . . . when the stirring hits I love to share with you what it is that is mulling deep within me. Today it all starts with . . . a hat! Yep, you read right . . . a hat.

I went shopping with a couple girlfriends yesterday and I bought myself a new hat. Now, those of you who know the ‘everyday’ Sarah know that the ‘dolled up’ Sarah you see on my album covers, in concert, in interviews, etc . . . is NOT the real me J. Nah, I often run around town with no make-up on and my hair pulled back. . . OR . . . in a hat. (Good thing about all that, right now, is that Practice begs me not to get ‘dolled up’ . . .he likes the plain ol’ me best.) Anyhow, yesterday I bought a new hat b/c not long after Chad died I lost my very favorite hat, so my supply has been a bit lacking.

My new hat has a saying on it . . . I bet that some of you have seen this saying and this brand. The hat says, “Life is Good.” I love it. Always have. I am a ‘cup half full’ kind of girl and I love a cute little logo that basically tells the world that the cup is half full.

Only problem is . . . Is that while I do believe, somewhere deep inside, that life IS inherently good . . . I also know that there are days, and seasons, and times . . . when life just really and truly doesn’t seem good.

I am taken back to January 13^th, 2008. Just three short months after Chad died AND the day after Abbi’s 12^th birthday. I remember the preacher teaching about Jeremiah 29:11 that day. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you hope and a future.” Well, friends, IF that is true . . . then life IS good, right? Well, I was tormented by that that day! To me, as Sarah Schieber . . . walking through the hell of grief . . . Life was NOT good! You see, to me, I knew that I served a God who was big enough to breathe the life BACK INTO my husband on the south Chicago street on October 7^th! That would be hope and a future . . . at least in my mind! I just could not see through, or past, or around the pain of the grief. How could God have good plans for me . . . for us . . . and yet let this happen? This is my journal to my Lord on that day . . . it is long . . .but PLEASE stick with me . . . it will be worth it!

O God, I am so confused . . . I hate church right now . . .hate it! I am so mad at You! Do you know how horrible that feels? I feel like a whiner and complainer – like I should just be able to throw my arms up in praise to You . . .because I know all the Christian answers . .. but right now none of this feels o.k.! NONE of it! Yesterday someone told me – ‘just look forward – not backward.’ What is that supposed to mean – that I just forget Chad? Sure, we’ll just forget him as we celebrate Abbi’s 12^th birthday without her daddy there. I feel so guilty at church – for being angry with you. For knowing the answers but not feeling them – or for that matter – even wanting them! God – I am SO angry at you! You are God – why didn’t you save him? Why do we have to go through this? Why have you forsaken me? I feel like this must be punishment. Do you love me? Everyone wants to know – what’s happening with the music? Screw the music! I just want Chad back! Please keep working is spite of me! Please help me . . . I don’t want to be angry at you . . . it is so hard when from the pulpit you hear “if you’re depressed . . . come be prayed for.” No! This doesn’t work this way! There is NO magic ‘God’ answer’ to this one! It is so hard to know how to walk through the grief with grace. How do you go through the stages of grief – the anger . . . with grace? I don’t want to hear that God’s gonna make it o.k.! Damn it! This is NOT o.k.! How could You possibly have thought that this was o.k.? Huh, God! How! There is an expectation that God makes everything o.k. – so therefore I should be getting better. How do I season that with walking out faith AND grief?

Ah, as I clutch Chad’s bible to my bosom, the song ‘Be Still and know that I am God.” Stillness . . . that is what I need – not the stillness of quiet – God knows that I have enough of that – but the stillness of the Spirit ~ please God, continue to ‘float’ me in a bubble of peace.

Still

My spirit

Still my mind

Still

My emotions

Still

My broken heart

Still

The storm

I cry out – where does my help come from? It comes from God. Still, still, still! Please God, may I know the stillness of who You are! Please, through my pain, anger, confusion – please may I know . . . Still!

There seem to be moments of breakthrough. I should know this by now – that when the waves and winds and confusion seem to be the worst – be escalating – that that is when You speak. That is when You cut through with Your knife of revelation . . . perhaps that is when we steal away. But even with Chad and I - You moved and cut through when the waters seemed to be getting highest.

There is no ‘pat’ answer for my storm. There is no formula that can be given from the pulpit. This storm is too big. This is not your typical storm. This is a tsunami – the wall of grief is a force of its own. I cannot fight it. There is no ‘christian-ese’ or ‘God formula’ for it. I must go with it. I must feel every bit of it. But - in it and through it I will know STILL. That doesn’t mean the weeping is bad, or the questioning. It just means ‘still’ in the midst of the storm.

I am exhausted! What is stillness? It is knowing that it all will be o.k. – even when you can’t see. Even when you question.

Huh! What a sweet gift I have in my journals. What a documentary of the grief of a young family grappling with HUGE questions!

You know, the truth about life is that sometimes . . . there just are NO answers for the storms! As Christians, I think we want to just be able to put a verse or saying on the storms of life and expect them to ‘fall into line’ with right thinking. Well, friends, THAT is not reality!

It is out of these storms that a very precious song on The Long October Road was birthed. It was out of the reality that sometimes . . . there just ARE NO answers to the stroms of life! Maybe today you are walking through reality . . . death, financial hardship, health issues, infertility, divorce . . . storms that leave you with no answers AND an aching heart! I would like you to hear a clip from the song Breathe In, Breathe Out.

The night I met my producer, Paul Marino, he left our dinner meeting and went home. Unable to sleep, he went to his computer and began to read all he could about Chad, me, all that had happened (if you google Chad Schieber you get thousands of articles, etc. . ), and my ministry. He went to my website and on the homepage there was a quote. It said, “Some days we just breathe.” Right there and then Paul began to write this song.

Job 3:25 & 26 says, What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil.” You know what, friends? If we are going to quote Jeremiah 29:11 . . . then we also need to be able to quote Job 3! You see, REAL life would suggest that life is NOT always good. Fortunately . . . GOD IS!

Practice is Perfect!

2009-04-26T21:31:00.001-04:00

Oh, my dear friends ~

I have some ABSOLUTLEY WONDERFUL news! Practice has asked to become Perfect . . . and I have answered with a resounding “YES!!!!!!”

Yes, friends, Practice and I are engaged! We will be married the end of this summer in a very small and intimate ceremony that will celebrate the glory of ALL that God has restored to us and our children.

This past Friday evening Jim and I had the evening to have a date (with six children, two careers, two houses, etc . . . finding alone time can be a job in itself.) Anyhow, it was a warm, lovely evening and we had planned to go to his favorite haunt for pizza, then head back to his house on the farm to sit on the front porch and watch the sunset. He was running a little late after work and by the time we could leave to get pizza the sun was already beginning to set.

Jim owns some property that has a lake on it that they call ‘the pit.’ I had not been out to the pit yet, so we decided to head up to the pit to watch the sunset and then head to get pizza from there. We had such a wonderful time walking around the banks of the water, just walking, talking, holding hands and enjoying quiet time together. It was absolutely beautiful! So quiet! When you have always lived in a city – the quiet of the country is pretty amazing! The sounds of nature are incredible and I absolutely love it out there. Anyhow, it was out there, in that beautiful setting, that Jim got down on one knee and asked if I will be his wife.

It will be an honor! I am so in awe of God for His sustaining power in each of our lives . . . we have both emerged from such deep, deep pain. I am so in awe of God for His promises that are so true . . . as Romans 8:28 promises us that, “all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” My friends – that is what Jim and I represent in each others’ lives . . . that is what our marriage and new family represent to these six babies who have walked through pain that no adult should have to walk through. I pray, THAT is what our marriage will represent to anyone watching from near or far . . . that God IS good and His promises ARE true and He truly DOES redeem our suffering!

I have had an idea that this was coming . . . and about a week ago I penned the following blog . . . but felt that it gave too much away, and therefore I waited to post it until I could officially announce our engagement. But I would like you to see the emotion of all that we are walking through . . . there is SO much good! SO much! But the pain of losing Chad will never, ever go away . . . and so . . . I give to you the mixed emotion of widowhood, remarriage, and starting over ~

The past few days I have been in a funk. Just a plain ol’ good ol’ FUNK! It bothers me when I am like this – as I am generally a very upbeat person. So, when the funk comes I tend to begin to analyze . . . ask questions and try to figure out the ‘why’ of the funk. A year ago there was no question . . . it was an unending, penetrating, inescapable ‘funk.’ Well . . . a never ending weeping is more like it. But now, these days, the smile has returned to my heart and to our life . . . and while there are still days and moments that I weep for my beloved Chad . . . those moments do not define my days . .. our days . . as they did one year ago.

So, it has really caused me to take notice and ask “why?” Why this funk. I have finally figured it out. I share this with you so that you can follow the continuation of this journey. I pray that none of you will ever have to endure the horrible grief, shock, and pain that we have. But, unfortunately, the reality is that some of you will. I pray that my journey will encourage you. And so, I share with you my heart.

The smile HAS returned deep within my heart. And while so much of it is nothing short of the glory and faithfulness of God . . . this smile has a name. Many of you know that the name on this smile is Practice. If, at this point, you are confused . . . then please read back to my Valentine’s Day blog and it will fill you in. Anyhow, Practice has put a smile deep in the parts of my heart that I thought might always remain dark and painful. And, while loving Practice takes NOTHING away from loving Chad, it most certainly has taken the sting out of a life of lost love.

As Practice and I journey further into a life together . .. and as discussions of a life together begin to turn to reality. . . reality itself begins to set in. You see . . . I truly long for nothing more right now than a life with this wonderful man that God has brought into my life. The reality is that if Practice and I had TRIED to make this happen . . . if we had gone looking for one another . . . we never would have found each other. Our relationship IS a picture of the grace and mercy and glory of God our Father.

But there is another reality in all of this . . . as we discuss what a life together may look like . . . a sweet, new beginning will mean a certain ending. It is the door closing on my life with Chad. Not of our love, or our memories of one of the most incredible men to ever live, or of one of the greatest gifts God ever gave me . . . no, it does not mean an ending to those. But, it does mean an ending to our life together.

It means selling my house – the house that I will never forget finding . . . it wasn’t even for sale. One thing led to another and we signed the papers to sell our first home (the one we had all three of our babies at) at seven O’clock on a Thursday evening, got a babysitter and at nine O’clock that evening Chad leaned against a ladder in the basement of this house and began to weep. He pulled me in to his arms and said, “THIS is our ‘forever home.’ “ Huh. . . our ‘forever home.’

It means leaving the canopy of this dear, dear city that embraced us and loved us and poured out love to us in such tangible and meaningful ways after Chad died. In a way, I look forward to the anonymity of a new town . . . and I will CERTAINLY be in Midland often . . . but the memories here are sweet and many. It will, to be honest, be nice to jog down a road that doesn’t have a memory of running there with Chad – those memories are just too painful. There is a relief in starting over . . . getting out from under being “Chad’s widow.” It is such an honor to have been his wife and to be his widow . . . but in time, it also becomes a label that we cannot escape. I hope and pray you can understand that and not judge me for my truthfulness to you.

You see, the reality of our lives is that we have HAD to create a new life. We have had NO choice. Our choice would have been for none of this to ever happen . . . but it did.

I have LONG believed that God redeems our suffering. The Word of God PROMISES that He will take the bad that happens in our lives and make good out of it. That is the love of God at work in our lives! That is God’s goodness to us.

Now, enter . . . Practice. My suffering redeemed. His suffering redeemed. That is what we are to one another. Never could I have imagined that God would restore to me . . . love. Deep love! Perhaps a deeper love than I have ever, ever experienced . . . why? Because I know what it is to lose that love and I plan to savor and capture EVERY moment of it! I have told Practice that I WILL memorize every contour of his body . . . and I will . . . because I know what it is to bury that body with whom you are one and to have to walk away and NEVER, EVER see or touch or feel again. And so, I WILL memorize every contour of his body. I will cherish every moment I have with him. I will know who it is to be ‘Sarah,’ and will be ‘Sarah’ very well. For, I have learned who I am as ‘me’ and how to be independent and how to take care of myself. But, I will be so happy to be cared for again, and cherished again, and I will be so happy to settle in to being half of one. I will be so humbled to be a wife again. And so, I do believe that I will love more deeply than ever before . . . because I know the sting of losing the very love of my life. I WILL cherish every moment I have to be Mrs. Practice! I will praise God for His restoration and I will be faithful with the calling of ‘wife.’

The Chris Tomlin/Louie Giglio song Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone), has a verse I just love! I used to sit at the grave and weep as I rewound the song to play this verse over and over and over . . . it says:

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

I would listen to that over and over and over and beg God to please let that be true in my life – as I sat there staring at my husband’s grave. The song goes on to say:

My chains are gone
I’ve been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace

Unending love . . . that is what Chad and I had. Our love will NEVER end . . . and in many ways, it will shine brightly through Practice and I because I am who I am because of Chad and the love that we shared. But, while our love will never end . . . this chapter of our life WILL. And, as one chapter ends and a new one begins, there may be days of ‘funk.’ Days where the excitement and joy of ALL of the good that God has brought to my life right now is dimmed a bit by the fact that a very sweet and beautiful and wonderful and blessed chapter of my life is ending. I guess, my friends, this is what they call the circle of life.

Thank you!

2009-04-15T21:08:00.003-04:00

Thank you to all of my readers! I am often amazed at your comments! You have truly blessed me by your comments from my last blog!

I want you all to know that God is so good and big and faithful and I am so happy that you can see that in my writings! Please hang in here with me for a couple more weeks . . . there is BIG news to come and I can't wait to share with you all!

I am having a small 'procedure' done on Friday (varicose veins) and will have some down time over the weekend - I hope to update you all about Micah and Mary . . perhaps a bit about Practice (are you all wondering?) . . . and more about the life in general. I have some ADORABLE pictures of Micah and Mary . . .but I have never put a picture on here . . . so, that might just take my entire weekend!!!!

Blessings to you all . . and THANK YOU so much for your sweet comments - I TRULY appreciate them!

Sarah

Yachting . . . Times Two!

2009-04-10T00:20:00.000-04:00

Well Friends! I would like to share with you a bit more about our journey through grief. This will be a look into both the ‘past’ of the grief and the ‘present.’

Last April we happened to be in Florida this exact week. A dear, dear friend of mine lived in the Keys during the winter and when she found out we were going to be in Florida, she asked if I would come down to Marathon Key and do a concert at their church. I took six months off after Chad died, and the concert in the Keys was my first concert ‘back.’ The concert was on April 6th, and it just so happened that April 7th marked the six month anniversary of Chad’s death.

At the concert that night, there was a very sweet man named Captain Jim who asked if we would all (there were eight of ‘us’ there) like to spend the next day out on his 52 foot yacht. Would we? My heavens! Those of us who live in Michigan RARELY (if ever) get the chance to spend a day out on the ocean in a yacht! Yes, yes, and again . . . yes!

You know . . . there are days along the way . . . on this journey I call grief . . . that are significant. Days that no matter how you look at them, or which direction you come at them, they are ‘big.’ The six month anniversary was one of those days. It represented a ‘half way’ point. Everyone would tell me that if we could just get through the first year . . . through all the firsts . . . that we would make it. Yet, there in that month, we were still facing such deep, deep grief. The pain was still SO relentless. It just felt like we would NEVER get to a year!

Now enter . . . the yacht! Monday morning, April 7th, 2008 . . . we all walked up the plank and onto our first taste of new . . . AND good! Oh, we had had a lot of new . . . but this day would be our first taste of new AND good mixed together. It would be a sign that someday we would be happy again. . . even without our beloved. It was our first look at laughing and making new memories . . . . GOOD memories. . . without our precious daddy. This day would be SUCH a blessing!

We spent most of the day out on the yacht. Captain Jim and his wife Jo were so gracious and hospitable. Others had joined us for the day, as well. But honestly – all I remember is me and my babies smiling and having the time of our lives!

I spent most of the day out on the bow of the boat (I hope that’s what it is called and how you spell it) with my sister, sister-in-law, best friend Hillary, and my Mime’s (the one who asked us to come down to sing.) We laid in the sun out there ALL day . . . and marveled at the unbelievable color of the water in the Keys. Captain Jim would anchor the boat along the way and we would jump in and swim around in the ocean. The kids all jumped off the boat from high atop the back deck (I think about a 15 foot jump.) We had a lovely lunch out on the water and spent some time driving through the canals and gawking at the mansions and the yachts.

We had to head back in according to the tide and if I recall correctly, we had to be in around 2:30 in the afternoon – or else we would have to stay out until evening. I will never forget as we were heading in . . . our trip about to end . . . someone spotted a family of dolphins off in the distance. Captain Jim whipped that boat around and off we went in the direction of the dolphins! It was two adults and a baby dolphin. Right there in the middle of all that water those dolphins danced around the yacht like they were putting on a show for us. It was absolutely thrilling! What a sight to see. Not the dolphins . . .the smiles on my children’s faces as their eyes danced with glee for the first time since their daddy died. What a precious gift from our Heavenly Father . . . and Chad!

Well, by the time Captain Jim headed back in through the channel – he was kickin’ up dirt in his prop the entire way. As we went through the channel we saw sting rays go flying through the water as the boat went by. We said our goodbyes and went on our way. Jim and Jo said that if we ever got back down their way to let them know and we would go back out on the yacht.

We went home to continue our journey through grief. You know, the ‘going home’ was always difficult. I will NEVER forget the first ‘going home.’ It was, may I be blunt? Hell! Going home knowing that Chad would never be there again was absolute Hell! I will never forget the second ‘going home.’ We had been in Nashville and when we got home it would be our first night in our house alone – just the kids and I. Again, Hell.

Well, this time was no different . . . except that we had had a taste . . . a small picture or glimpse into the fact that someday . . . eventually. . . we would laugh again and, yes, even be happy again. We had been given a window into someday. We had been given hope along our journey.

Now fast forward one whole year . . . When I got to thinking that we were going to be in Miami all this week it occurred to me that we wouldn’t be too far from Marathon and that maybe . . . just maybe we could see Captain Jim and Jo. I sent an e-mail and before I knew it the plans were all made. We drove down there (about 3 hours from where we are staying) Tuesday night . . . ironically . . . April 7th. The 18 month anniversary of Chad’s death. Yesterday, we spent the ENTIRE day out on the yacht. Once again . . . it was an absolutely delightful day. Fishing, swimming with the fish on a reef, snorkeling, and yes, once again . . . dolphins! This time not only did they dance for us – but they swam right with the boat! It was just wonderful.

It never ceases to amaze me how there are no strangers in the body of Christ. . . just family. Captain Jim and Jo are wonderful people (as well as the others who joined in for the day and are truly family, as well – we love you Gay Ann, Robin, and Kirsten!) who love the Lord and love people and will forever be near and dear friends of ours. We may only connect a couple times a year ~ but they are a highlight of our year and some of our favorite people in the world.

There was one major difference this year. While the day on the yacht was much the same as the year before . . . WE are not. You see ~ last year the family on that yacht was broken and wounded and limping along without the biggest part of their body . . . trying desperately to figure out how to walk on without that part. Last year ~ we had a small glimpse into the future . . . into happiness . . . into what life might someday be like.

This year . . . we are living ‘someday.’ We ARE happy. This year, we have learned how to stand on our own, NEW, two feet and what that looks like and what that feels like. This year we didn’t make a first memory . . . we continued along this journey called our healing process.

Oh, please don’t get me wrong . . . each and every day we miss Chad. There is not a day that goes by that we don’t think of him, talk about him, and dearly, dearly miss him. But the reality in our lives is that we HAD to heal. That broken, wounded family of April 7th, 2008 HAD to give way to the ‘living again’ family of April 8th, 2009. I am so thankful for our days on the yacht, for Captain Jim and Jo, and for time . . . which truly does take some of the sting out of grief.

If you are walking some sort of journey today that is long and painful – please rest in the fact that GOD IS FAITHFUL! He is so loving and kind and will give you ‘glimpses’ along your way. Please be looking for them! God is our healer . . . and while time really helps . . . God is the balm. Psalm 46:1 says, “God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.”

Thank you, Father, for being my refuge and strength . . . and for yachting . . . times two!

Still Here!!!!!

2009-04-02T15:28:00.002-04:00

Hi All -

I am so sorry for the long absence from blogging! Life has been going full speed - and sometimes the blog just keeps getting put off.

I wanted to let you all know that tomorrow (Friday, April 3rd) is the official release date of the first 'single' from my new album ~ The Long October Road! The song is called "Wishin' Time Away," and is an awesome song that seems to be most people's favorite song off the album (those who have heard it.) The process of releasing a song is VERY long and is more like running a marathon - definitely not a sprint! It may take weeks for the programmers to actually decide that they will play the song - then even longer for the listeners to hear the song. IF you hear the song on your local radio, PLEASE call or e-mail your station and ask them to play it more. But, please don't call out of the blue to ask for it . . .the programmers DO NOT like that!

Also - will you please pray over this very special song - that it will have God's favor all over it. Please pray that as the programmers listen - that they will have a sense of God's presence and anointing and that they will KNOW that this is a song that will powerfully touch their listener's lives!!!!!!! Please join me in prayer for the success of "Wishin' Time Away."

Also - just so you all know . . . we are still busy working on a brand new website . . . the cover art and design of the CD cover/case . . . and working to schedule concerts.

The kids and I are in South Florida for the next 10 days! What a blessing. It is a working vacation for me. I was at Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church yesterday - the church of the former D. James Kennedy. They have a radio station and a very dear lady named Leslie Hurst interviewed me. We then spent the afternoon together having lunch and getting to know one another. It was a very sweet time.

Tonight we drive to Fort Myers to introduce the song on a big station over there tomorrow morning! I am so excited to share this powerful song with listeners all over the country!!!!!!

I need to buy a new camera - ours is broken - and once I do I will work to put pictures on my blog. You can see my babies and keep up with our vacation.

Do any of you remember WAY back at the beginning of my blogging days when I told you that Micah and Mary are in love? Well - stay tuned for the continuation of that love story . . . and many, many pictures of the two of them down here on the beach!!!!!

Blessings to you all!
Sarah

You’re About To Get A Lecture!

2009-03-13T23:03:00.002-04:00

I recently heard a comment that literally made me sick! I heard about a wife who told her husband to do his own laundry because she does enough for herself and their three kids. I, honestly, was stunned and heart- broken for that dear husband and truly could not believe that a wife would do such a thing. I would say that I am sorry if I am stepping on your toes – but I’m not. And – if I’m stepping on your toes, then GOOD! Listen up!

You know, I grew up in a Christian home. I also grew up in a broken home. I didn’t know what a godly marriage should look like. Neither did Chad. I shared with the ladies out in Virginia last weekend that I actually think that was a blessing. Because neither of us knew what it should look like, we set out to be purposeful about figuring it out. We worked VERY hard to learn about what God wanted for our marriage and what it should look like from His perspective.

I certainly had no idea what God’s purpose for marriage is. Guess what I thought it was? To have sex! Yep! There you have it! I thought that the purpose of marriage was to have sex! Fortunately, I was set straight along the way!

There is a book that literally changed my life. It changed who I was as a Christian woman, who I was as a wife, and in turn – it transformed our marriage. The book is called, “The Excellent Wife,” by Martha Peace. In this book I learned that God’s ultimate goal for marriage is that we operate in such oneness as a couple (unity) that we become a magnet for unbelievers. Let me put it simply . . . .by loving one another with Christ-like love we make God look awesome to the ‘world’ and they want what we have! It sounds simple . . . but we all know if it was, there would be no divorce.

What sickened me about this wife’s comment was the brazen selfishness behind it. Any marriage being driven by that type of attitude is destined to fail, and indeed, that one did. When we love one another as Christ loves us it must be a completely selfless love.

We must train ourselves not to ask the questions “what can I get out of this?” or “what is my spouse doing for me?” And begin to ask questions like “how can I serve my spouse today?” and “what can I do to fill him/her up today?” Unfortunately, we live in a world where we are bombarded with selfishness! Becoming selfless is NOT easy! Everywhere we turn there are messages “Have it your way,” “your way right away,” “If it feels good, do it.” EVERYWHERE we turn we are taught to be selfish. That is why in 1 Timothy 4:7 the word teaches us to, “discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness.” The New Testament Greek word for discipline is gymnazo which means “to exercise or to train.” Martha Peace writes that, “how godly we become depends on how hard we work at it. Old habits of sinful thoughts and RESPNONSES do not just disappear. They have to be replaced with new, godly ways of thinking and responding.”

My friends, some day – when I have finished the book, “The Long October Road,” I will write a book about marriage. Chad and I studied, IN DEPTH, a concept that Martha Peace introduces in the book. This concept is that the Trinity is the perfect model of marriage. You see, the Trinity is three separate entities working in perfect unity. A marriage should have God the Father as the head of the marriage, the Husband as Christ – who SERVES the church and therefore glorifies God, and the wife as the Holy Spirit who SERVES Christ and the Father and therefore glorifies God.

Our world has completely lied to us about the roles within marriage. We emasculate men. Men are commanded in the Bible to be the head of the home as Christ is the head of the church. If you cut an animal’s head off . . . what will happen? The body will die! My friends – if we don’t let men be men – let them be the head . . . the body (family) will die! Men! You are to be the cornerstone and foundation of your home by keeping your relationship with Christ in line! In that same breath – men are commanded to be a head as Christ is a head . . . Christ did not lead by power . . . he led by being a servant! The biggest servant in EVERY home should be the husband/father. Serve God, serve your wife, serve your kids . . . everything else will fall in line. There is no place for ‘self’ in a godly husband.

One of the most beautiful things about a godly husband – and one of the things that I missed most after Chad died – is that in Ephesians 5:28, husbands are commanded to “Nourish, protect, and cherish her as Christ does the Church.” Nourish means to bring your wife up to maturity – literally, the husband is to help his wife grow in Christ. Cherish means to keep warm, cherish with tender love and to foster with tender care. A biblical example is that husbands are commanded to cherish their wives as a piece of ‘fine china.’ Wow! What if every husband REALLY cherished their wives like that? A husband is to be a ‘covering’ over his wife – spiritually and physically – and THAT, my friends, is what I found to be so hard after Chad died was to not have his spiritual and physical covering!

Not only do we emasculate men, but we teach women to be LIKE men and to take the power and that submission is a bad thing – a sign of weakness! BULL! Let me set you straight, sisters! Submission, in a godly marriage, is actually a position of strength and respect! In Genesis 2:18 God says that Adam’s “aloneness” is not good – so He makes for Him a “helper suitable.” The Hebrew word “helper” there literally means “help, helper, STAFF, STRENGTH.” It is the same meaning as in Exodus 18:4 “my father’s God was my helper.” And Deuteronomy 33:29, “He is your shield and helper and your glorious sword.” See, as young women we have somehow been fed the lie – that it is in some way a bad thing – a sign of weakness – to be our husband’s “helper.” When, in reality – it is a sign of strength. We need to take that back - to claim our Godly inheritance as our husband‘s staff and strength!!!!

Now, let me caution you, ladies, that this is a big responsibility and NOT to be taken lightly! It does NOT mean that we manipulate our husbands to do what WE want. It means that just as the Holy Spirit is a ‘counselor’ and ‘guide’ AND ‘intercedes on our behalf,’ so we have a responsibility to give wise and godly counsel to our husbands AND to be the absolute best wife we can be and serve him by praying for him! Truly – praying for your husband is the greatest calling and honor of a wife! Some of the characteristics of the Holy Spirit in Scripture are ~ encourager, He warns (husbands – listen to your wives!), He speaks the truth, He is a counselor, and He is a teacher. This is a beautiful description of a wife!

So, my friends, now go back to the beginning of this lecture (sorry!) . . . . a wife who tells her husband to do his own laundry because she does enough with her and the kids! Self, self, and MORE SELF!!!!!! It should be an honor for a wife to do her husband’s laundry – even if she HATES doing laundry.

Guess what? I bet Jesus hated dying on the cross for my sins but He did it willingly! That, my friends is the perfect example of how we should serve one another in marriage!

We’re moving!

2009-03-07T17:43:00.002-05:00

Up. . . .that is! :-)

As I write this morning, I am sitting next to a marble fireplace in the Marriot Hotel in Williamsburg, Virginia. I am here to speak, sing, and help lead worship at a huge women’s retreat called Discover the Joy. They have over 500 women registered, who will all begin arriving today. My dear friends in ministry, Paula Stitt (who wrote many of the songs on my Gratitude CD) and Lisa Beals, are here with me. We did this same conference a few years ago. The keynote speaker is Evelyn Husband. Evelyn’s husband was the captain of the shuttle that disintegrated upon reentry into our atmosphere. Little could I have known when we first met Evelyn as a new widow, that soon her story would be mine, as well. It is amazing what time reveals, isn’t it?

I am so excited to share with you ALL that is happening on the music front! The Long October Road album is very near completion! We will release the first song, called “Run,” to radio in just a couple of weeks. My radio promoter, Wendell Gafford, of Creative Promotions, fully expects “Run” to chart in the top ten on the national Christian charts . . . will you be bold with me and ask God to put “Run” at number one!!!!!???????

We will “Officially Release” the album on May 29th at Christian Celebration Center in Midland, Michigan. That is my home church. The concert will be sponsored by Family Life Radio and will be free to the public. I really want to ‘give’ this concert to my home community as a thank you for all of their love and support over the past 17 months. If you live anywhere nearby – PLEASE plan to attend! It will be a wonderful celebration of God’s faithfulness . . . plus, there might just be some GREAT music!!!!!

May I be blunt? This new album, The Long October Road, is amazing! The people in the ‘know’ in the music industry are blown away by it. They are amazed by the transparency of it. The songs are deep and true to what I have been through – yet the album as a whole has an uplifting feel. Wendell said he has not heard an album this good in YEARS (and he is NOT one to ‘fluff’ a !!!!! I am truly, truly SO thankful to the Lord for His faithfulness in this. My goal as we started writing the album last August was to accurately portray - and remain true to the transparency of our grief journey – but not end up with a depressing album. I wanted to have songs that radio would ‘eat up,’ but also have songs that remain true to who I am as an artist. This album is a beautiful blend of the two – and for that I am SO thankful.

The month of May will be a HUGE month. I think I have about seven appearances (concerts and/or speaking) scheduled – one of which is in Colorado – and all building up to the release on the 29th. As you can see, my schedule is filling up quickly. If you are interested in a concert, or in having me speak, please contact me through my website, www.sarahschieber.com and I will forward your info to my booking agent.

One thing that I am WILDLY excited about is that I have been invited to speak and sing in San Diego, California in July, for the 1st Annual National Conference on Widowhood! Wow! I am so excited. They are expecting 2,000 widows from all across the world, gathering to support, uplift, and love one another. This isn’t an event marked by grieving. The goal of the conference is to give hope and encouragement to widows in every stage of their widow’s walk. I can already tell that this is going to be a wonderful weekend. If you are a widow, or know one, please pass this information along. I will soon have a link up on my website to their site with all of the info about the conference!

Also, I have just been invited to speak and sing in Texas in September . . . at Chuck Swindoll’s church! Holy moly!!!!!!! Chuck Swindoll! It is for a Mom2mom women’s event. I hope to be able to plan a ‘Texas Tour’ around that booking – so if you are reading this and live in Texas – I would love to come sing at your church – please get in touch with me.

So, what has been, for years, a local ministry, is now becoming national. It is very exciting to sit back and watch God at work. It is very exciting to sit back and watch it grow.

There is no end to the work involved right now. My mind never stops ‘noodle-ing’ all of this (a term Chad and I penned after reading the book, “Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti.”) We are launching a whole new, fully comprehensive website very soon. It will still be the same web address – just a whole new look. We are working on a promo video that will be available to watch through my website that will tell people all about my ministry. We continue to work on the design (please pray for my graphic designer, Michael Buckingham of Holy Cow Creative) of the CD cover and layout of the inside of the CD. AND – I continue to write the book. It both blesses me AND stresses me . . . but I really believe that STRESS IS HIGHLY OVERRATED (right Marni?) . . . .so, I choose to live in the blessing of writing the book!

Wendell Gafford, my radio promoter, has come on board as my manager and ministry consultant! This is absolutely wonderful and amazing! His specialty is in marketing and he is deeply steeped in the music industry. His contacts and knowledge of the industry are such a blessing to me and my ministry. I am so grateful for the opportunity to work with Wendell.

Two of my very best friends, Collette and Marni, have also come on board to tag team my booking and to work together to keep me moving forward. You have to know that I am COMPLETELY the flighty musician! I am very good at being on stage and all of the ‘artistic’ work of writing and singing. I am TERRIBLE, however, at the business end. Just tell me where to go and what I need to do. In fact, to be quite honest, I had NO idea where I was going this weekend until my sister-in-law told me on Wednesday, the day before I left, that I was going to Williamsburg. I knew I was going to Virginia – and that was good enough for me. I had NO idea where in Virginia! Isn’t that funny? That is just how I am wired. All of the business details and the details of maintaining the technical end of this ministry (MySpace, Facebook, blogging, etc . . . ) absolutely make me want to go curl up in my bed in the fetal position!

So, I am very thankful to have a wonderful team of people surrounding me who keep me moving forward AND to help me cast vision for the future. One thing is clear, my friends, the future of Sarah Schieber, Inc. is very bright. I am very excited about the doors that God is opening. Perhaps sometime next week I will talk to you all about what my message is. I feel that I have a very strong and distinct message to tell the world! I would love to share it with you!

And, in ending this blog, just let me tell you that Practice is wonderful. Practice gets better and better every day. I am truly in awe of God. I had the very best for 15 years of my life. I never thought I would have it again, and now, here is Practice. The very best . . . again. God must really love me, and for that I am grateful beyond words!

Blessings All! Thanks for reading my blog!

His Daddy's Voice

2009-03-01T21:18:00.002-05:00

Well, My Friends! I began a blog about three days ago about ALL the wonderful things that are happening on the music front these days . . . that blog remains partly written for another day. . . perhaps tomorrow or the next day. There are SO many wonderful new developments on the music front that I can’t wait to tell you about!

Tonight,though, I need to share with you something that just happened. We have had a wonderful weekend. Yesterday we spent all day out at the farm (Practice’s house.) His son turned seven and we had a birthday party and we got to meet the ENTIRE family. It was fun and wonderful and very enjoyable.

Today Abbi had a swim meet and Practice and his kids came. Again, we had a wonderful time and it is fun to see these kids bonding. It is also wonderful to continue to grow in friendship with Practice. He is a wonderful man. Each day that we spend together and each of the ‘everyday life’ situations that we face just continue to confirm to us that we are very well matched.

Tonight, though, my kids and I needed to discuss something that had happened earlier in the day. There was a little miscommunication between Micah and Practice and we needed to discuss the matter. As Abbi, Noah, Micah and I sat talking, I brought up Practice’s voice. It is deep and strong and to be very honest, I prayed for a man with a nice voice (it was on the ‘list’) and I got it! I love his voice! But it is different than Chad’s voice, and therefore is different than we are used to.

As we were talking I said, “Jim’s voice is different than Daddy’s voice, isn’t it?” To which my dear, sweet, eight-year-old Micah said, “I don’t remember Daddy’s voice.”

“What? You don’t remember Daddy’s voice?” Oh my! Stunned! Oh, my baby! I think somewhere deep inside of me I knew this day would come . . . I have thought from time to time that I should get out our family videos and we should watch them . . . but, honestly, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I knew that, of all three of my kids, Micah would be the one that we would have to work the hardest with to keep his Daddy’s memory alive. He was only six when Chad died. I have felt that I have a responsibility to Micah to keep Chad’s memory alive for him - to really work at it – and while we talk about Chad ALL the time - clearly that is not enough. This poor baby doesn’t remember his daddy’s voice. Oh, Jesus, please help us!

And so, right there, we all began crying. I grabbed Micah and pulled him into me. I was just weeping and telling him how sorry I was. I grabbed my cell phone and told Abbi not to answer her's and I called it and put it up to Micah’s ear . . . so he could hear the message that answers Abbi’s phone (which used to be Chad’s number) and for the first time in almost 17 months Micah heard his daddy’s voice as Chad’s message said, “This is Chad Schieber from Lifeshield Child Safety Products. Sorry I can’t take your call right now but if you’ll leave your name, number, and a brief message I’ll get back with you just as soon as I can. Thank you.” I played it over and over for him as we sat there crying together.

How in the world could I have missed this? How could I not have thought about this? How many times have we all been taken aback when we've called Abbi only to hear Chad’s voice on the other end? How many times has my dear sister-in-law Missy told me that she had once again called Abbi and gotten Chad’s message and wound up bawling? How could I not have thought about this precious baby who has not heard his Daddy’s voice in SEVENTEEN months!

Oh, my God! Please be with little Micah. Lord, please help this baby to remember his daddy. Please cement every memory of Chad that lives within this little boy! Keep them clear and vivid, Lord. Please work a miracle within Micah’s little memory.

Rest assured that in the next couple weeks I WILL be figuring out how to play all those old family videos. I promised that little boy that I will figure out how to make all those little black 8mm tapes work on our TV and that we will watch lots of videos of his Daddy!

Valentines Times Two

2009-02-14T07:18:00.003-05:00

Will there ever be an end to the confusion of grief?

Today I awoke to a wonderful text from a wonderful man asking me to be his Valentine? I slept last night in this man's sweatshirt that smells like him, and every time I woke up I would thank God for sending me Practice (a name I will explain in a bit.)

I texted him back and replied that I will be his Valentine for always and forever and then . . . the tears began to stream . . . a trickle at first and then the dam broke! Cry and cry and cry! And then I remembered that last year I took a rose out to the grave and that this year I should probably do that, too. More tears!

I really thought this Valentine's Day would be filled with all joy. You see, I am just so thankful to our sweet Lord for His grace and kindness in bringing the kids and I Practice. Last Valentine's Day - my first without Chad and in the darkest days of my grief (four months after Chad's death) - was HORRIBLE!!!!! Absolutely terrible. Add insult to injury, I was working at a flower shop and was filling out cards to 'lovebirds' all day (PUKE!)

So, as the anticipation of this holiday has approached, it has not been with fear and trembling . . . but with gratefulness in my heart to God, and Practice. You see, I was not expecting this. In fact, I wasn't looking for it and I wasn't even sure I wanted it. I knew that to fall in love again would mean having to trust that my heart would not be ripped in two again. I had gotten myself to a place in the grieving process where I knew I was o.k. as ME. I didn't NEED anyone. The kids and I were operating in our 'new normal' (again, PUKE!) and I wasn't sure I wanted to put my heart out there knowing that if I fall in love again there are no guarantees that he won't die too. In fact, (I'm sure you are all smiling!) the guarantee is just the opposite . . . yep! At some point this one will die, too!

Then a friend asked me if I would be willing to try a blind date. Sure. Why not. I needed some practice if I was going to get back out there. I thought having someone to go to dinner with, or chat with at the end of the day, or go to a movie with would be fun.

Enter ‘Practice.’ (His real name is Jim, by the way.) He lives about 35 minutes from me and is a farmer. I know, I know . . . we ALL thought I would find some metro-sexual musician from Nashville, didn’t we? He is divorced (a biblical divorce on his end, for those of you already beginning to look down the end of your noses) with three children. Well, I had already informed the Lord (not long after Chad died) that I did NOT want a divorced man with three kids! Too much baggage! (Like I don’t come with an entire entourage of baggage . . . nice, Sarah!) And a farmer? They still have those these days! Yes, I can be a real, stuck-up snot sometimes. My pastor looked at me before this date and said, “Sarah! Farmers are wonderful people and they are VERY smart.” (He was right!)

So, I truly went on that first date just for practice. What I was NOT expecting was to fall in love.

Let’s be real now, folks. The first thing I noticed about Practice were his looks. (Maybe I should just leave it at that and let you figure out if they were good or bad . . . Nah!) I had certainly never been on a blind date and truly the most nerve wracking part of it was having NO idea what he looked like. Of course, there are pictures of me everywhere . . . so Practice knew what he was getting when he called to ask me out. He told me that he is bald and a mutual friend had informed me that he ‘wears it well.’ I had NO idea what to expect. Well, let me just tell you . . . he wears it VERY well. Practice is VERY good looking AND, this is girl talk now . . . guess what? When he took his coat off at dinner he had a short sleeve shirt on and guess what was under those short sleeves? VERY nice biceps :-) Well, I noticed those RIGHT off but tried hard not to let on.

And then this wonderful thing happened . . . we started to talk. We talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and haven’t stopped since. Some nights we talk on the phone for three or four hours. We are both exhausted because with six kids between us and two full-time jobs the only time to talk is late at night. A sacrifice I am willing to make :-).

The truth is . . . that not long after we started dating I began to realize that Practice had all of the qualities that I had been praying for since Chad died. Honestly, and I do mean honestly . . . I did not think I would ever find them again. Not all in one package. I thought I would have to compromise. I had had the very best already, and I was not willing to compromise, so I just figured I would be alone.

This week, as I was working on writing the book, I was reading through my journals. In December of 2007, just about eight weeks after Chad died I cried out to Chad in my despair and asked him to please send us someone who would love us. Someone who would love the WHOLE package . . . me, the kids, the ministry, AND our memories of Chad. Then I made a list and asked Chad to work with God to find this man. Practice has EVERY thing on the list! God is truly amazing!

On our first date, Practice looked at me during those hours and hours of talking and said, “I want you to know if we continue to date, that I understand that a part of your heart will always belong to Chad and that I will never try to change that or take that away.” I know that I began to fall in love with him right then and there.

He is kind and loving and wise and smart (yes, there is a difference between wise and smart!) He is a very good daddy and has wisdom in how he handles his babies and all that they have been through. He loves God and loves Christian music . . . especially this local girl from Midland now, I guess :-). And, have I mentioned the biceps?

Here we go, now. Here is me, being transparent with you . . . I was NOT prepared for how hard this would be! Practice has put a beaming, happy smile back in some deep, dark places. Places that I didn’t know if I would ever feel life in again. But the truth is . . . everyone says ‘just have fun.’ Well, that’s great when you are 17 or 20. That is when most people date, you know. A large part of those reading this blog probably dated when they were young and hopefully, will never have to date again. Well, let me tell you . . . this is NOT fun! You see, I am a wife. It is very deeply who I am. I was a good wife, a great one, maybe, and I loved every minute of it. I know how to do it! To now have to go back and be a girlfriend is both frustrating and painful. You see, I know what it is to lie in a man’s arms all night long. To be held and caressed and snuggled so close. And now, night after night we must say goodbye and leave one another’s arms. That hurts.

One of the most fascinating parts of all of this is that I am finding that the ‘wife’ parts of me that died the day Chad died are coming back to life. I want to cook for him and clean his house and help him plan birthday parties and . . . I want to pray and pray and pray for him (the MOST important role of a wife, by the way.) It is clear to me . . . and perhaps a discussion for a different blog . . . that there IS a distinction between wife and mother. While they may go hand in hand, they are two VERY different roles.

Oh, don’t get me wrong . . . it is fun! Today we get to spend the entire day together and I absolutely cannot wait! All EIGHT of us. The six kids and Jim and I. (His kids are wonderful, by the way.) How wonderful! The kids adore one another. We continue to pray that God will lead and guide and direct us and that He will continue to confirm all of this through these precious children . . . and He does.

But dating at 37 and 34 with six children watching every move . . . six children who, themselves, have all been through enormous hurt and upheaval in their lives . . . is not fun . . . it is terrifying! There is no ‘manual’ written on how to do this (please don’t start sending me books . . . I don’t have time to read. I would be open to the Cliff’s Note version via e-mail, though :-)) As a mama and a daddy – our hearts long to do this right so that we make this as easy as we can for the babies. There is nothing ‘normal’ about ‘us.’ We are not 20 year olds trying to find our way through college and wondering who to go to the next big game with. We are thirty-somethings with kids and careers and our own homes we are trying to maintain and extensive friendships and the list can go on and on.

And then add into it . . . Chad. My beloved. And on this Valentine’s Day 2009 . . . I am SO very, very thankful that there is a new smile in my heart named Practice . . . but at the moment that Practice texted me at 6:38 this morning and asked me to be his Valentine . . . the tears began to roll. The reality is, I will NEVER stop grieving Chad. No matter who or what comes into my life. No matter what joys come in the future . . . Practice was right, back on that first date . . . There IS a part of my heart that will always belong to Chad. It will always mourn the loss of what I THOUGHT was going to be my life. I am thankful for hope and new beginnings, but I will always be sad for what ISN’t. It is all very confusing deep inside. How can I weep for one man and long to be in the arms of another?

Practice called, and I was crying, and he listened and loved on me and told me he’ll get here just as soon as he can . . . and the truth is . . . today, I think I get to have TWO Valentine’s . . . one here on Earth . . . and one in Heaven. I love you, Practice! I love you, Chad!

FEELING Trust!

2009-02-09T06:51:00.002-05:00

I wish I could say that I KNEW that this would happen. The truth is, I TRUSTED that it would . . . . I HOPED and PRAYED that it would . . . but if I am to be totally honest with you . . . I don’t think I can say that I KNEW it would happen.

None the less, I believe that I am living in the place where old and new are colliding . . . and new is taking hold and running away with me. I feel that I am standing on a precipice, really. I stand at the place where happiness, not joy, but happiness has crept back in and hope for a good future is now reality - not just trust.

Joy is unconditional. It is a promise of having the Spirit of God alive within us. It is not dependent upon our lives or the circumstances of them. One of the most painful and often confusing aspects of having walked through grief was the knowledge that happiness IS situational. That bothered me. I am, by nature, a very happy person. I choose to view the cup half full not half empty. I didn’t like not being happy. I didn’t like that my happiness could be dictated by circumstances in my life that were completely out of my control.

Today, I wonder if YOU have ever stood in this place? In the place that you trusted God for? In the place that you hoped and prayed for but never actually knew if it would happen? Have you ever been here, my friends?

I guess that is the beautiful thing about trust. Trusting God really and truly goes back to a core of KNOWING that God truly wants the best for us.

Maybe the hardest part of trusting God does not lie in trusting Him – but lies in not trusting ourselves. You see, I can want something so badly that it hurts . . . but that doesn’t mean that it is what is best for me. God knows that. So sometimes I struggle in the actual ‘asking’ for what I want . . . . and calling that ‘trusting’ . . . . when what I want might actually be hurtful to myself or my family down the road . . . and GOD KNOWS THAT!!!!! (I could go into an entire dissertation now about the true meaning of prayer . . . a laundry list of our wants OR a sweet fellowship and communion with our Savior?)

Maybe that is where that sometimes constant struggle within ourselves comes from. I know what I want but it might not be what is best. I know what I would like to see happen, but only time will tell. That is a rather precarious place to be, my friends. And so, it all comes back to trusting that God knows and wants what is best in our lives and there is a choice . . . I will bring this back to me now . . . I have a choice to either trust Him and ‘rest’ and not fret . . . or be a wreck.

Honestly? Sometimes I AM a wreck! Sometimes I just can’t see past the end of my nose . . . or I’m PMS’ing  . . . or I am not taking it all to the Lord CONSTANTLY!!!!!!! But, usually, at the end of being a wreck I figure out that truly, the only place I want to live is in trusting Him, and I find my way back to resting.

So, today I find myself beginning the climb out of this dark valley of grief . . . well! That is not true at all! I am not beginning my climb – for that happened on October 7th, 2007. No, today I find myself NEAR the very top of the mountain. You know how sometimes when you watch rock climbers . . . when they get to the very top there is a lip they must go around or a patch of snow or ice they must get around to actually get to the top? THAT is where I am at. It is not all clear. Actually . . . there are MANY questions! I am trying not to be a wreck in all of those questions . . . but in those questions lies the place where the grief of the past and the hope of the future collide.

This is the place of God’s promises. This is the place where quoting Jeremiah 29:11 on the darkest day of your life, and telling your kids that God is good and we are choosing to trust Him JUST after telling them that their daddy is dead, and resting in Him for months when the questions go unanswered . . . .begin to merge with the knowledge that FEELING and TRUSTING are two very different things and today, the things that I could truly only TRUST for a very long time are now things I FEEL!

Thank you, Dr. Sowers!

2009-02-03T23:33:00.003-05:00

It is amazing, isn’t it, my friends? Tracing the hand of the Lord in our lives? Think about it … Where were you 10 years ago? Where are you now? Are you where you thought you would be? Has the path, the road, been what you thought it would be?

About seven years ago Chad and I wrote a song about this very concept. We were marveling at the path our life had taken . . . a path that we never expected. We marveled at how many curves, dips, valleys, and yes . . . even mountain tops had been placed along our paths. We chuckled as we looked BACK . . . knowing that if God had given us a map when we first became believers . . . a map that showed EVERYTHING . . . all those dips, bends in the road, the sharp curves . . . that it would have been our human nature to try to find the short cut! In our humanity we would have searched for the way around the hard parts. And yet, we knew on that day all those years ago, that each of those twists and turns had been allowed along our path because of the character, perseverance, and spiritual growth that would spring forth. In that moment we penned the words :

You know me better than I know myself,
You know what I need more than anyone else,
You know my heart more than anyone can,
So I lay down my life and give you all that I am.

Now, jump forward seven years. Suffice it to say that my life has not taken the path I thought it would. Duh! I would like to tell you the story of a very sweet and wonderful man in my life . . . and let YOU marvel WITH me at the sweet hand of the Lord and His nudging along my journey . . . and may it cause you to trace His fingerprints in your life!

I graduated from Traverse City High School back in 1992. That summer I came down with Mono and spent the entire summer on the couch trying to recover and be well enough to head off to college in the fall. I had grown up Wesleyan and was planning to attend Indiana Wesleyan University. I had my books all bought, knew my schedule, had corresponded with my roommate, etc . . . I was set! IWU was starting classes the Tuesday after Labor Day.

I was already ‘singing concerts’ by this point and one Sunday the middle of August I did a concert at a church in Traverse City. The next day, as I lay on my couch resting, I received a call from the Anderson University Admissions Department. The man introduced himself to me and said that he understood that I had applied to their school (uh, yeah, NINE months ago!) and that somehow I had fallen through the cracks. He was wondering what they could do to get me to come to their school. I very kindly replied that I was going to IWU and no thank you. SIX CALLS LATER the man would NOT leave me alone! He kept offering to meet whatever money IWU was giving me and I kept telling him NO! My mom was at work that day, and finally she called me and said “Sarah, I think maybe we need to check this out. Maybe God is trying to tell you something and we can’t know until we go visit the school.” Now, the kicker in all of this is that this is Monday . . . I am PLANNING to leave for college in three weeks . . . . and Anderson University starts ONE WEEK from today!

I called that man who kept calling me and told him that my mom and I would be down the next day. She took a couple days off work and we left for this college that we knew nothing about . . . other than they had a great music program. We drove down on Tuesday and spent Wednesday touring the campus and auditioning for the head of the music dept and another professor. I sang a couple songs that I regularly performed in concert (southern gospel) and they then informed me that they don’t sing that kind of music there . . . they only teach classical music because if you can sing classical you can sing anything. I was thinking, “wait a minute . . . the Gaithers are on the board here . . . this is where you come to become a Christian singer and you are telling me you don’t sing that music here?” Hmmmm. But, I did my audition and left.

I will never forget sitting in the Motel Six that night . . . knowing that Anderson University was the place I needed to be. It was so clear. I looked at my mom and said, “this is it . . . this is where I need to be.” She knew it, too. So, Thursday morning we went back to the campus, told them I was switching schools, they called IWU to let them know and we drove the eight hours back to Traverse City. I now had TWO days to pack for school, say my goodbyes, finish recuperating from Mono, and leave for a university and city where I knew NOONE!!!!!!! I was terrified! On top of all that – Chad and I were madly in love and I was about to move eight hours away!!!! Oh my!

Remember that audition I did for the head of the music dept.? Well, his name was Dr. Richard Sowers. On Monday morning I began the rounds heading to all my classes and discovered that not only had I ‘made’ it into private voice . . . .but, Dr. Sowers got to hand pick who he would have in his voice studio and I had made his list! What a privilege!

At this point in my life I was a very broken, hurting, wounded young woman. My parents had split up when I was eleven, and I had had VERY little contact with my dad since then, and I was truly broken and wounded. Loving and being loved by Chad was so hard . . . I lived in constant fear that he would leave me, too. And now enters into my life this wonderful, father-like figure ~ Dr. Sowers. We spent MANY, MANY hours together just by virtue of me being in his studio and ALL the hours of rehearsals, tours, classes, etc . . . Over the next few years Dr. Sowers became one of the sweetest persons who would ever weave their way through my twisty, tourney path. He was always wise, loving, kind, and willing to listen. He knew I was broken and very quietly offered wisdom and gently loved a young woman who really didn’t know what it was to have a father. I will never forget the night that Chad proposed to me . . . .without me knowing, of course, he took that ring in and showed Dr. Sowers before he popped the question to me.

Chad and I soon got married, and l left college a year sooner than I had planned and finished my degree in Midland where Chad had secured his position with the Midland Police Department. I lost touch with Dr. Sowers and many of my college friends (thank goodness for Facebook, huh?.) Over the next twelve years I saw Dr. Sowers a couple times – just very briefly. I always held him near to my heart, though, and thought of him often. I had become a voice teacher myself and I taught my students the vocal techniques that Dr. Sowers had taught me on a weekly basis.

About five weeks after Chad died it occurred to me that in the constant flurry of activity – the unending press attention, the non-stop ring of both the phone and the doorbell, and the constant watch of family and friends – that I had not been alone with my children since before Chad died! I needed to get 200 CD’s to Nashville, and rather than ship them I decided to drive with one of my best friends down to Nashville and get the kids and I OUT of Midland. I needed a break, I needed to be with my babies, and I needed to be somewhere where nobody knew who we were for a while!

I had received cards from several special people at Anderson University, and we decided to pop in on our way to Nashville. I had the pleasure of seeing Dr. Sowers. We hugged and talked and then I will never forget what happened next. Dr. Sowers sat all three of my kids down and told them the story of the day that he turned sixteen. It was Father’s Day . . . AND his birthday . . . AND the day his daddy went home to be with Jesus . . . very unexpectedly . . . just like Chad. He then told my kids that it was going to be very hard but that they would be o.k. . . . AND that even though it didn’t seem like it at times . . . that their mama would be o.k. eventually, too. Once again, this kind and wise man who had spoken into my life SO many times SO many years before, was speaking into my life again . . . and even more special . . . into the lives of my precious babies.

Last week Dr. Sowers surfaced again. He found me on Facebook and made his way to my blog and once again his words and wisdom encouraged and uplifted me.

And it occurs to me, that in August of 1992, sitting in a mobile home in Traverse City, Michigan, when that first phone call from Anderson University came . . . there was no way I could have known that a man named Dr. Richard Sowers was about to enter into the journey of my life and be the hands and mouth and mind of God reaching into my life. Never could I have known that Dr. Sowers would gently help to shape the woman that I was becoming and therefore leave an indelible print on a marriage that was going to end far too soon. Never could I have known that he would speak into my children’s lives one day and minister that same grace and wisdom to them that he had to me on so many occasions. Never . . . . could I have imagined . . . the path that just that one relationship in my life would take.

My friends – God IS so very good! In Matthew 10:29 He tells us “Are not two sparrows sold for just one penny? Yet, not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of our Heavenly Father.” You see, those sparrows aren’t worth much . . . yet the Word tells us that NOT ONE OF THEM is out of the faithful keeping of our Heavenly Father.

I don’t understand the course of my life. I AM NOT where I thought I would be ten years ago. I will never, this side of Heaven, understand why Chad had to die. I will never understand why my babies have had to bury their daddy and why we have all had to endure this horrible, horrible grief! There is SO MUCH that we will never understand! But remember how I said that Chad and I were in awe of the dips and valleys and mountains and curves and that if God told us they were coming, our human nature would be to try and avoid them? This is certainly one that I would have done everything in my power to avoid . . . EVERYTHING!

But one thing I do understand is that God is in control. And, back in August of 1992, He chose to weave a wonderful man into the complex, wonderful, horrible, delightful, painful, lovely tapestry that would become my life. There is a purpose in ALL of that. It would boggle my mind to sit and try to figure that out . . . so I must simply rest in knowing that God is SO big, and SO loving, and SO all-knowing that I can trust the ‘weaving’ of that tapestry even as it is constantly going on around me. Really, what that does, is free me up to know that no matter what comes my way God already has the tapestry being woven and I can rest in Him.

And so I wonder, my friends, what part are you playing in the tapestry of other people’s lives? Are you speaking life and love and encouragement into those around you? Are you being the Hands of God, the mouth of God, and the mind of God ministering to those around you? Does your heart beat with the love of God? In all honesty . . . those were traits that did not come easily to me and I prayed for years that God would help me to be an encourager! Are you praying that God would do that in your heart as well?

And on the flip side of that . . . today, in the midst of your struggle, perhaps as you mourn a loss, or maybe as you question where your job went, or maybe as you wrestle with a marriage that is falling apart around you . . . are you trusting that God is big enough to care about the weaving of the tapestry of your life? Are you able to rest in the fact that God is good? Period! You don’t have to figure that one out . . . you just have to trust it! My friends, Matthew goes on to say in verse 31, “So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to Him than a whole flock of sparrows.”

Rest in Him, today. Know that the dips and valleys and curves all serve a plan and a greater purpose and that truly, even when we hate it or question it or wonder about it, God sees the entire map and is directing you down the perfect path for where He needs to take you. Romans 8:28 tells us that He can make ALL those tough roads work together for good in your life . . . and that is exactly what He will do! He is so faithful!

And, Dr. Sowers, when you read this . . . please know that I love you dearly and am so thankful for the indelible mark you have left on my life! Thank you!!!!!!

Keeping On!

2009-01-25T22:00:00.000-05:00

Well, my Friends! Where has January gone? I am so sorry that it has been so long since my last blog . . . some of you have begun calling or e-mailing wondering where I am and am I alright. Alright? Very alright, friends!

Do you remember back at the very beginning of January when I said that I was going out on a date? Well, one date turned to two and two to three and so on! The Lord has been kind and gracious and brought a very wonderful man into my life. I am not sure that I am ready to really go into ‘all’ of what this is and ‘all’ of the emotions that are wrapped up in it . . . but let me just say, for now, that there is a smile returning deep within my heart . . . life returning deep within me . . . and it feels VERY good!

There is much to be done on the music front right now . . . “The Long October Road” is beginning to wind down. Paul (my producer) is beginning to mix and master the album (terms for the final touches ‘technically.’) I am so thrilled with this project as a whole. I truly cannot tell you the depth of satisfaction that I feel when I listen to the songs. First of all – to have such deeply emotional songs that I was able to co-write and then watch as they came to life for the whole world to hear! Wow! What an incredible process. Then, musically and vocally, this project is deep and rich and EXACTLY what I have longed to put my heart into! I am so proud of what this album is and I truly look forward to watching God move. I pray that His rich anointing will be ALL over the songs and that they will minister to thousands of hurting people! He is just SO, SO good!

There are many details that still need to be thought of and ironed out . . . designs and artwork, pre-release and release dates, bookings (would love to sing in your area . . . please contact me for booking information.) I just lost my booking agent . . . so that is an area of desperate need and prayer. On top of all of that – my goal in the next week or so is to get the book outline done! So, there is MUCH to be done . . . but I am truly so thankful for the leading of the Sweet Lord in my life . . . thankful for the opportunity to do any of it! I can’t wait to minister and teach and offer hope and encouragement to those in need.

I know this is not very ‘deep.’ I will write ‘deep’ soon! But, I did want to get an update out to you so that you know that all is well – just a TON to be done.

Blessings!
Sarah

Make Love Emotionally

2009-01-08T12:57:00.003-05:00

Good Day Friends!

I have been in Nashville all week - unable to figure out how to get my computer online so that I could blog. Sorry for the delay in blogs!

It has been an amazing week. I arrived Monday and actually got to shop a little and enjoy some much needed R&R. Tuesday we hit it hard in the studio - laying my vocals on the final songs. Tuesday was very tough - we recorded the three most emotional songs of the entire album - songs that rip my heart out of my chest and lay it bare for the entire world to see. Songs that dig so deep into the pain and agony of my journey through grief that they leave me a bit exasperated . . . so, three of them back to back was tough. Then, one of them disappeared into cyberspace and we had to re-record it yesterday (we lost four hours of my singing work!) It is o.k. though - in the end the re-do was WAY better than the first take. God DOES work all things together for good.

In the end - I know that those three songs that were the toughest, emotionally, will forever be my favorites! Why, you may ask? Because I will not sugar coat this journey that I have been on! I will not pretend that it is or has been anything other than it is. I believe that the "church" needs to get back to authenticity and stop pretending that God is a magic eraser to the struggles of this world.

At some point last summer I had a neighbor of mine look at me and tell me that she doesn't think there is such a thing as suffering . . . chew on that for a moment . . . (I furrow my brow as I think of our conversation.) A seventy-something woman who has never lost a child or husband and who regularly vacations in the Caribbean and who has a condo up north, etc . . . looking at a 34 year-old widow with three young children and saying there is no such thing as suffering. HUH???? What in the world? Truly!

I looked at her and said, "you know, the bible says that 'to live is Christ and to die is gain.' Christ suffered, how can you say we shouldn't suffer?' Her only reply was that she didn't think that was the right interpretation of that scripture.

Well, friends, I pray that your life is so great that you agree with my dear neighbor. However, my life has been riddled with suffering. My daddy left me when I was eleven. I know the pain of miscarriage. I know the angst of drawn out marriage troubles (yes, we had a WONDERFUL marriage - but we had truly had our struggles along the way.) I have and still do taste the bitter tears of grief . . .

It is from these places of darkness in my life that I can stand before you today and tell you that if you are facing dark days - there is a way through. There IS hope! There is a constant Who longs to hold you and be your strength and shield. That DOES NOT mean that the pain and sorrow in your life will disappear . . . it means that there is a hiding place in the midst of this sinful world!

There is a key in all of this . . . Philippians 4:11 says that "I have learned the secret to being content . . . " Paul continues and says, " I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need."

Today - if you are walking through high waters - please turn to Christ. Please focus your eyes on Him and all that HE is and all that HE wants to be to you. How? How do you do this? Well, for me it has been through my being authentic with Christ. It has reminded me of those times after Chad and I had been intimate with one another . . . totally open and raw and intimate . . . two people becoming one . . . hiding nothing. Then, in the moments to follow, there was perfect peace . . . a total calming as we rested in the afterglow.

Throughout this past year, the moments of sweetest communion with God have come after I have been the most open and transparent with Him - when I wasn't afraid to shake my fists at Him and yell at Him and tell Him what I truly thought and felt. Then, like that calm, that peace of the afterglow . . . the Spirit of God would come over me and envelope me and God would pull me in just as Chad did and He whispered to me "Be Still, my sweet Sarah! Be still and know that I am God!" Ah . . . the rest.

Hide nothing from God, my friends! Bare it all . . .and in that transparency, in the being real with God, in you being you and no one else . . .that is where God can meet you at the deepest places of who you are and enter in and heal. That doesn't mean 'magic' . . . it means peace. What more can we really ask for?

Happy New Year????

2008-12-31T17:41:00.003-05:00

Well, my friends ~ this morning as I did my devotions and sat and pondered the year we are about to say goodbye to and the year ahead . . . there were many realizations. It occurred to me that at the beginning of 2007 I believed it would be one of the greatest years of my life! I knew that we would release ‘Gratitude’ and launch a marriage ministry – there was so much anticipation. On a personal level we were taking our first major family trip (to Disney in April of ’07) and would have all three kids in school ALL day come fall (you can figure that one out !)

That year, however, ended in such despair that I truly cannot put the depth of that feeling into words. As I turned the corner from ’07 into ’08 just one year ago tonight . . . it was with dread and fear and pain. I was saying goodbye to the last year I could ever ‘be’ with my beloved . . . and entering into my first year of ‘alone.’ I had no idea what ’08 would bring . . . but I knew I didn’t want it . . . ANY of it! I wanted my beloved . . . but I knew that there was NOTHING I could do but trust God! And trust I did!

2008 began with me truly wanting to die. “Please God . . . can’t our home be filled with carbon monoxide and ALL four of us wake up with You and Chad?” This is me . . . being real . . .with you! I DID NOT want to continue without my beloved. I am so thankful, however, for God’s sustaining grace and strength. I made it through those first dreadful months of ’08 . . . truly, only for my children. Slowly ~ hope for a new future began to emerge . . . despite dealing with illness that put me to bed for most of June and July. I am so thankful that God is bigger than me (duh!) and works despite me. All the while I was working to grieve and mourn, God was working to continue to bring healing and hope and a future.

Throughout 2008 I can truly tell you (and with a smile on my face) that I have found ‘ME.’ You see, when you are married . . . you work to meld two into one. That is our job as a married couple. Not that I LOST me while I was married . . . but I wasn’t ever just ‘Sarah.’ I was Chadandsarah! That is how we wanted it. That was our command from the Lord . . . the two shall become one! We spent 12 ½ years working toward becoming one person. I entered 2008 limping – feeling that ½ of me had been ripped away and I was wounded and bleeding and exposed. I cannot tell you the depth of that feeling. I remember walking through stores, driving through town, attending church or kids’ activities with a constant ‘wonder’ within me . . . . trying to figure out where Chad went and who in the world I was without him. Even, and especially, into June and July my journal read “I don’t know me without you.” I remember frantically looking around wondering who would marry me . . .because I certainly couldn’t be alone! It was a terrifying feeling. I didn’t trust my own emotions through any of that . . . but I was so afraid to be alone . . . I got married so I wouldn’t have to be alone! Now what? How could I possibly face life alone?

But, I am so happy to tell you, friends, that I have figured out who ‘Sarah’ is . . .well, I should say, I AM figuring out who ‘Sarah’ is. It is a wonderful feeling. I do not feel the ‘need’ to have a man . . .should God bring one along I will be blessed . . . but I WILL NOT settle out of loneliness or despair. I will not have a man JUST to not be alone. All that being said . . . guess what? I am going on a date! Someone called and asked me! Isn’t that exciting? I won’t tell you when or where . . . that is for me (and him) to know and you NOT to find out .

When Chad first died, people told me “don’t worry, Sarah, you are young and beautiful and there will be men lined up around the block.” Well, in November of this year (over a year after Chad died) I told my brother that I was clearly standing on the WRONG BLOCK!!!!! And, while there certainly is NOT a line . . . It is exciting to know that someone is interested and we will just go out and have fun . . . and THAT will be nice!

Also!!!!!! I have VERY exciting news!!!!!!! Last week Christmas In Heaven hit the charts at #30 on the Billboard Christian (radio airplay) chart AND #17 on THE national Christian airplay chart ~ (click on the title of this blog to go to the chart) (http://www.radioandrecords.com/Formats/Charts/Christ_Inspo_Chart.asp)! That is the top 20!!!!! Today, a radio guy I know wrote and congratulated me . . . my Christmas song beat the new Casting Crowns song!!!!!! Wow!!!!!! Thank you God! I am truly SO, SO thankful!

So, my friends, as I turn the corner into a new year . . . there is much to be hopeful about. We have made it through what I hope will live down as the toughest year of our lives. The kids and I are happy and healthy . . . PLEASE don’t mistake that for thinking that our hearts don’t still break . . . for, every single day they do. I DON'T WANT a top 20 song because my husband is dead . . . I DON'T WANT to go on a first date because my husband is dead . . . but, though this isn’t the story I would have been chosen it is the story I have been given and I WILL make the best of it! I WILL glorify God through ALL of it! I WILL rejoice in ALL that HE is doing and I CHOOSE to trust ALL that HE is!

I realize that today, as YOU turn the page on a new year, you may be facing great pain or many trials. I understand that, my friend! PLEASE hold on to Jesus! Please REST in WHO God is and how truly faithful He is! He IS good . . . even, and especially, when you don’t FEEL it! Nuzzle yourself under the shelter of the shadow of His wings (Psalm 91:1) . . . stay SO close to Him that when light or dark surround you it doesn’t destroy you because you are so close to Him that His shadow protects you from whatever it is that comes at you. It doesn’t mean that you don’t feel the heat or the pain . . . it is not a magic ‘eraser’ for this life and this world and all that it holds . . . but it IS a sustaining recipe for our lives! Christ . . . and ALL that HE IS will get each of us through WHATEVER 2009 holds! That, my friends, is for certain!

God Bless your 2009!

Sarah

quick update

2008-12-23T07:51:00.002-05:00

Greetings Friends! Thank you all so much for your very sweet comments . . .they bless me richly. I am so thankful that the song Christmas in Heaven is ministering to and blessing so many people. Last night I received an e-mail from a manager at 'Billboard' . . . as in Billboard Magazine . . . the Top 40 . . .etc . . . He said that the song Christmas in Heaven is 'charting' on their chart this week and that they need more information!

Wow! I may have a 'Top 40' song! Can you believe that? Little ol' me . . . little Sarah sitting in Midland, MI . . . just trying to honor her husband and get through some very painful holidays . . . little ol' me . . . so thankful and honored . . . Billboard! Wow!!!!! Let me say it again . . . BILLBOARD!!!!!! Now, I think they might chart the top 100 songs . . so, I could be number 98 . . . but, that's o.k. :-) I'm still on the Billboard charts . . . and, I'm thankful.

Well, Friends. These holidays ARE proving to be very difficult. I cry a lot. For months the crying had really tapered off . . . but in the past week I have cried enought to make up for any lack of October and November. It is just SO hard and SO painful. I miss Chad more than I could ever even begin to describe. My heart breaks for my dear children.

Last Saturday Noah had a good break down. He cried and cried and told me he wishes we could just skip Christmas this year and that he wants to die and go Home to be with Daddy. Oh, how my heart broke. I couldn't hug, nor hold him tight enough. Sweet baby . . . 10 years old and carrying a weight SO much larger than he.

If you were to look back to the winter months of last year, my journals would read the same as Noah's wishes . . . 'Lord, can't there be Carbon Monoxide in our house and all four of us just wake up in Heaven with Chad? . . . Please Lord! Get us out of this misery!' Perhaps you think that means we have little faith. You can think what you like . . . judge away if that makes you feel better. It just meant that my heart broke more than I ever dreamed it could . . . I understand little Noah! Bless him, Lord. Please bless these precious children this Christmas and help us all to celebrate even when the pain is just so great.

I have much to say . . . I have Blogs begun that will BLOW YOU AWAY :-) . . well, they'll give you something to think about . . .but right now I am just working to get the kids and I through this holiday AND keep up with the CD orders . . . there are waiting lists all over this area, and I have envelopes addressed and ready to fly out of here . . .but NO CD'S!!!!! I am not too happy with UPS right now! They were supposed to be on my doorstep last Friday (It is now Tuesday morning). A terrible snow storm kept them away . . . I understand that. Nothing we can do about that. However . . .they SHOULD have been delivered yesterday and were not.

So, today, my dear friend Christy is driving to Saginaw to PICK THEM UP and begin delivering them to all the bookstores that are out and then will bring them back here so we can begin stuffing envelopes and filling the last of the order.

Just a quick note - you can now digitally download the song on CD BABY - so if you are waiting on a CD to arrive, and need a 'temporary fix' . . . that is an option. If you are waiting - I am SO very sorry . . . this has truly been out of my control!

Blessings to you all this Christmas season! May the Lord give sweetness to your Christmas festivities . . . even if, and especially when, they may be seasoned with pain!

Swamped

2008-12-17T23:17:00.002-05:00

Greetings Friends ~

At about 10:30 this morning, after doing a radio interview with a station in Port Huron, Michigan, I sat down and began a blog. It is now over 12 hours later, and I have barely had time to breathe today - much less finish the blog.

I do believe this is what record companies are for, but alas, I am an indie artist - so the grunt work all falls on me . . . and my wonderful girlfriends who are with me around the clock right now! They are helping me return e-mails (they are flooding in from people around the country who are being touched by Christmas in Heaven), fill the constant stream of orders, answer the phone which is ringing off the hook with people wanting to stop in and pick some up or bookstores wondering if they can sell it, assisting with the many business details (like verifying bank accounts, e-mail programs that MAY NOT WORK when you need them too!!!!!!, etc .. ) . . .and the list can go on and on! These are truly SUCH WONDERFUL problems to have. I am very thankful.

What noone can help with is the fact that what I would really like to do is have the time to go curl up in my nice warm bed, clutching the flag that laid over Chad's casket and weep for my beloved whom I miss more than anyone could ever know. What noone can help with is the fact that at the end of all of this chaos and business that are my career going to new hieghts - my beloved is still dead and the reason that I get to sing this incredible song is because he is gone. What noone can help with is the fact that in the midst of all of this our hearts still break.

One of my children had a meltdown . . . absolute meltdown tonight! One came home sick today. One had a meltdown yesterday. We are dealing with some major issues, and there is no daddy here to help me. No partner to give me the perspective that I so desperately need right now. Noone to say 'Sarah, you are doing it right.' Well, that is not true . . . Marni and Christy and Missy all told me that today. But, I really want Chad to tell me that! I wish he was here. I need him! I want him! Sometimes I just don't know if I can do all this . . . And yet, in the midst of it all, as the tears stream down my face as I type this, I know that God is giving me a strength and a peace that truly come from Him!

Right when I need to know what to say as a parent . . . the words are there. Right when I need to make a decision as a business woman . . . the wisdom is there. At my weakest . . . the stregth wells up from inside. Right when I need a hand . . . someone is here to lend it. I just wish Chad was here.

Underlying everything . . . the excitement of hearing my song on the radio over and over and over . . . the thrill of seeing orders escalate day after day after day . . . the knowlege of knowing that today, and tomorrow, and the next day I will have the chance to be on both radio and television all across the country and encourage people that they CAN make it . . . underlying everything, my friend, is a constant thread of pain. A constant ache. A constant knowlege that this is our suffering being redeemed . . . even as the suffering continues.

I am thankful. God is good. God is faithful. I know and feel ALL of that tonight! I hold tight to Jesus and ask Him to PLEASE tell Chad I love him. . . and to please tell Chad how much we all miss him.

Blessings - and good night!

Order Information

2008-12-10T00:26:00.002-05:00

Well - please read on down, my friends . . . but many of you are wondering how you can get the Christmas In Heaven CD ~

They are available for sale on my website www.sarahschieber.com. They are beautifully packaged as a single and make wonderful gifts. You can purchase them for $5 each or 5 for $20 - I cover the shipping.

Thanks for asking!

By the way . . . I sold 199 today! Just today on my website! Yea God!!!!! And . . . Thank You, God! I am so humbled!!!!! Thank You!

Wow!

2008-12-09T09:50:00.002-05:00

This is going to be a quick one, my friends. I just wanted to let you know that today I stand in absolute awe of God! Not that I don't all days . . . but today I am just amazed at His sweet goodness and faithfulness.

It is 10:00 a.m. in Michigan . . .and I have already sold almost 100 CD's TODAY!!!!!! That is just amazing! Christmas in Heaven is taking the country by storm! I am so thankful. I sold almost 100 yesterday, as well.

Yesterday morning I had the opportunity to do an interview on a very big secular station in my area. Soon after leaving the station my cell phone rang. It was a very sweet mama who lost her son two years ago. He was in his young twenties. She had heard Christmas in Heaven and had to have the song. She is struggling in her faith - the questions and doubt looming within her. I was able to encourage her to continue walking in her faith and I prayed with her.

"Lord, today may You continue to bless that mama as she tries to make sense of her loss. Father, at the end of the questioning may she surrender back to You. You are good, and faithful. We can't always see that . . . but Father, we KNOW it to be true so we TRUST YOU! Lord, please continue to anoint this very sweet song "Christmas in Heaven." Please use it this Christmas to minister to thousands of wounded hearts. We will be so careful to give you ALL of the glory! Thank you, Lord."

Some days . . . I cry.

2008-12-06T12:01:00.002-05:00

Today, I cry. It has been a while since I have had a 'day' in which all I want to do is cry . . . but today, it has come around again.

I must say that at times my life just seems very overwhelming. It is hard to be both mama and daddy. I had to spank Noah today and I had to call the parents of Abbi's long time best friend to tell them that Abbi did not want to attend their child's birthday party because the girls are just not getting along. It is hard to parent by yourself. Chad and I always worked so beautifully as a team . . . I know he is here, cheering me on . . . but I long for him HERE . . . WITH me! A couple of Micah's birthday presents have broken and I need to take him to the store to look for replacements . . .but oh, how I long for a daddy for him to help a little boy pick appropriate little boy toys. I can and will do it . . . but that is what my heart feels.

Plus, there is laundry to be put away, laundry to be done, an invisible fence for the dog to be ordered, dishes to be done, a driveway to shovel, beds to be stripped and redressed, a swim meet to pack for, I need to unpack from TWO, yes, I said it . . TWO trips! . . . the list could go on and on . . .

I have been planning all week to decorate for Christmas today . . . I've even been excited to do so. Marni and I bought some new decorations yesterday and I've looked forward to this day. But now that it is here it just seems overwhelming. I look around the house and see so many HUGE and beautiful funeral plants and I don't know where the tree(s) will go this year and it just seems like such a BIG job.

Today - I would rather curl up in my big bed with a sappy movie than face my life. On top of all of that I have a long, long list of 'should do's' regarding my career . . . I'm not going to go into all that, though.

Sometimes I think that if I go to the grave and sit above the casket maybe, just maybe, I'll feel closer to him. Our life is moving on. . . we have a lot of happiness in our daily lives . . . we are finding the new normal. Yet, I still long for and miss the life I had planned. I long for and miss my beloved. . .

What amazes me is that in the midst of longing for Chad, I am also beginning to long for someone new. I know that I need to blog about this new adventure that will be 'dating' . . . but that is a discussion for another day and time. My heart does wonder, though, HOW can I long for what was and yet look forward to what may be? How can I weep for my husband all the while praying that somehow, someway, my sweet Heavenly Father will bring us a new husband and daddy?

Oh, the diversity of the emotion . . . this great big ball of emotions that we call grief! Alas . . . God is good. I trust Him for all of this!

Now, I'm going to light a fire with my sons and try to make sense of the boxes of Christmas decorations and all these blasted funeral plants! Blessings to you all . . . if you have not read the next blog entry down . . . please keep reading . . .it may just change your life!

Big Questions

2008-12-04T21:38:00.001-05:00

Good COLD December evening, friends!

Perhaps you are somewhere warmer than I . . . lucky duck! I would like to begin by thanking you all for your kind thoughts, comments, and especially prayers of blessings over my sweet baby, Micah. We have spent the last two evenings celebrating his birthday ~ last night we had a special family dinner and tonight he took six of his closest friends to Chuck E. Cheese for a party. Micah has begged for YEARS to go to Chuck E. Cheese . .. it isn't a place that we frequent. The kids had a nice time, but I will say that there has been a 'frustration' in Micah for the past couple days - today included. I began to feel a bit down - perhaps I try to make up for Chad's absence a bit too much in material ways (a question I ponder often, and still think the answer is 'no' . .. but I don't want to not ask myself the hard questions and in doing so let it get out of hand)? Did he not appreciate the party? As I was tucking the kids into bed tonight and reflecting back on Micah's mood I was once again hit with the notion that we continue to celebrate the holidays . . . all the while 'pretending' that everything is alright . . . but knowing that everything is, indeed, not alright. I sensed that in Micah this past couple days. So, again, I thank you all for your prayers offered up on his behalf!

Well, I could probably end there tonight . . . but there is much more to come. In fact, I believe that what I am about to post is probably THE MOST IMPORTANT thing that may ever go on my blog. Please don't check out on me.

If you have followed this blog for any amount of time, you know about my new friend Jenny Coin. Jenny was widowed unexpectedly three and a half months ago, and soon after she lost her beloved husband, Shawn, she miscarried their first child. Jenny and I have been ministering to one another, and in doing so we are becoming good friends. Jenny is strong! I am so proud of her. Jenny asks really good questions and we are saving all of the letters that we write back and forth to one another so that we can soon launch a new blog of our letters and our journeys through grief as young women.

On Monday morning I awoke to find this e-mail from Jenny. My kids were all home because of a snow day . . . and when I found her e-mail I knew that this could possibly be one of the most important e-mails I have ever, or will ever respond to. I asked the kids to keep the noise to a minimum and proceeded to answer her questions to the best of my ability. Below you will find her e-mail to me . . . and my response. Please stick with it to the end . . . and I would like you all to know that if anyone has a question about a relationship with Jesus and you would like to e-mail me, personally, I would welcome your e-mail. You can find me at sarah@sarahschieber.com. Blessings!

Hi me again,

I got another sympathy card in the mail again yesterday...they just keep coming. However this one got me thinking. The card was from a family that I used to babysit for while I was in college, when Shawn and I were living in Marquette.

Anyways there was a note at the bottom of the card. The note said "There must be a better grand plan for you because you are a wonderful person and deserve great times ahead" Several people have told me this the last three months, especially after the baby. Actually many people have been telling me that my 'new life' will be so much better, that the plan for me has changed and my new path will just enhance my life more and bring me more joy. Well for some reason just today it got me thinking two different things.

1. I know when people say this to me, they only mean the best for me and mean well. But sometimes I just want tolook at them and say to them "what the heck are you talking about...my husband just died and I just lost our baby....what do you mean my life is about to get better?
My response to that at first was...well I don't want a 'better' life, I loved the life that I had...I loved my husband and our life...I wanted to have our baby...I wanted the perfect family...I didn't ask for nor did I want a different life, I was perfectly happy with the life that I had.

I know I have a lot of time to grieve yet and to figure out my 'new life' and what I want to do. I think just now after 3 months I'm realizing that my life is going be extremely different from what I had "planned". I'm trying to come to terms with having a different life and trying to figure out how my life is going to be so much "better" then what I had. For now, I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing for the last 3 months...breath in and breath out and take one day at a time. I also have been remembering Matthew 6 that I found on your blog. I am a HUGE planner, that is where I get my control and security from. I'm quickly realizing that you can have everything all planned out, but just as soon as you can have a plan, it can all come crashing down around you.

So I guess my first question is...After Chad passed away did people tell you that God had a better plan for you? and How did you respond to that?

2. This is a biggie! Ok, how am I who just had MY perfect life ripped out of my hands supposed to one, believe that there is a bigger/better grand plan for me? When all I've ever wanted in my life was to be the best wife to the man I love and a mother (I thought that was my plan and truly why I was put on this earth) those are both now gone and two after I have just had my 'original plan' ripped out from under me, how am I supposed to put my faith, heart and sould into a new plan...what if that plan gets destroyed and I get hurt again. I don't think I can handle it if anything else 'bad' would happen. The new plan makes me so scared as well. I sit here typing this with tears streaming down my face as I listen to Bring the Rain from Mercy Me.

I don't know maybe I'm just feeling this way because like I've told you in the past...I haven't been a very religious person. I have always believed in God and said a prayer here and there, especially in times of struggle but I don't think I've ever really let him into my life. Correction I know I haven't really let him in. Does that make any sense to you? I will honestly tell you though that during the last two months I have been really trying to let God into my life more. I need to know why...I need to know what is next for me...and I now know that God is the only one who knows this. I didn't let him in so much the first month, I was so mad at God for taking Shawn from me, I even prayed the morning Shawn died on my way to work for him to please keep Shawn healthy and to please fix what was wrong with him. I mean I really really prayed hard, out loud and everything. Three hours later he died. I haven't told anybody that, nobody knows that I prayed that morning. Like I said maybe I'm just feeling this way because I just don't know how to feel. Maybe I'm feeling this way because I haven't been to church in a really long time. Maybe I need to find a church and just go.

Wow this email is making me think of a zillion things. Maybe I will wrap up this email and we can talk about some of my other questions another day. Funny how such a life shattering event can make you feel like you need to re-think the religious or lack of religious aspect of your life. I wonder if I would have belived harder in God before if Shawn would still be here with me?

Ok, well I'm going to go and read for a while and try to stop thinking so I can sleep. I will talk to you soon and sorry this got so extremely long. Maybe this would have been better to ask in person.

~Jenny

Jenny ~ Wow! What wonderful questions you are asking! They are good, and healthy, and I am so glad that you are asking them. I'm not sure I know where to start - so let's start with the most important part . . . God!

Jenny ~ The one thing I am absolutely sure about is that God wants to have a relationship with you! Can you believe that? The God who created Heaven and Earth and who keeps it all in order and in motion wants to have a relationship with YOU! Jenny, He doesn't want to be some far off god that you pray to on holidays or when you really need something. No, my friend, He wants to be your friend! Just like you and I have become friends . . . that is who God wants to be in your life. Please forgive me if I go into more detail, or tell you something you already know, but there may be someone who eventually reads this who does not know these things. Jenny, God the Father sent His beloved son to die on the cross because sin had separated us from Him. Jesus died on the cross to reconcile us to God the Father once and for all. For thousands of years people had needed to offer sacrifices as a way to reconcile themselves and their sin. God sent His son as the final sacrifice so that we could walk in relationship and have the assurance of eternal life.

I, personally, think that the 'relationship' part of this is the key. Think of it this way ~ if you wanted to have a relationship with me, but only called once every few months or when you needed something . . . would that be a relationship? God never changes and He never moves! He is ALWAYS surrounding us waiting for us to call out. He tells us in Romans 3:23 that "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." But in verse 24 He goes on to say, "Yet now God in His gracious kindness declares us not guilty. He has done this through Christ Jesus, who freed us by taking away our sins." In Romans 7 the Word tells us that we wrestle with this thing called "sin" all our lives. It is why we do the things we don't want to do and don't do the things that we do want to do! It goes on, though, in chapter eight to tell us that when Jesus comes into our hearts the power of sin is broken and that it is like the lights come on in a dark place! There is a new power at work in our lives.

How do we get this reconciliation and new power? We do it by repenting of our sins - basically, admitting that we were born with sin in us, and asking Jesus to come into our hearts and have a 'relationship' with us.

Now, Jenny, I would like to tell you about my personal relationship with Jesus. I grew up in a Christian home. I knew all about Jesus . . . but I will never forget one night when I was thirteen years old I decided that I wanted more . . . I needed a relationship with him. My daddy had left us when I was eleven, and I needed a 'constant' in my life. I needed someone whom I could trust was ALWAYS there and would ALWAYS love me. In the book of Philippians the bible tells us the "Jesus will never leave us nor forsake us." That, was what I needed. I took a step one night at a church service and went to the altar and gave my heart . . . ALL of me . . . my hopes, my dreams, my life . . . to Jesus. Since that night, I have lived my life with Jesus in mind. I had watched enough Christians by this point to know that a life with Christ didn't mean a life free of trouble, rather, that when troubles come there is a constant . . . an anchor.

This, my friend, is the crux of all of this . . . please hang on here for the most important part . . . Jenny, when Jesus died on the cross, He rose from the dead and not long after that He ascended up to Heaven to live there with Father God. When He did that, He sent something called the Holy Spirit. When we ask Jesus into our hearts, at that moment the Holy Spirit is deposited into our "spirits." One thing the bible teaches is that there are three parts to our physical being . . . our body, our spirit, and our soul. Our soul is our mind, will, and emotions. Basically, at the moment of salvation, we lay down our souls and let the Holy Spirit come in to inhabit our 'spirit' being. The Holy Spirit is an amazing, incredible part of all of this! The Holy Spirit is our counselor, our guide through this wonderful and horrible life, our constant companion and our light to follow. The Holy Spirit becomes that little voice that directs our path . . . the world sometimes refers to women having a 'sixth sence.' Well, what I have come to know as a believer is that my 'sixth sense' is the Holy Spirit that lives within me. . . always comforting and guiding me.

Jenny, there is something regarding my faith that I am really chewing on right now. What I am chewing on is this concept of 'peace.' You see, what I know beyond knowing as I look back over this past year of my life and all of my grieving is that all of my pain and fear and mourning and questions have been enveloped in a very sweet peace that has come from the Lord. When I was thirteen years old, I had NO idea what my life would hold . . . .the good OR the bad. But that decision as a teenager has changed the way that I relate to my life. I could have become paralyzed the day Chad died - paralyzed with fear, pain, or both. But instead, I look back on that day and know that, truly, the Hand of God ushered me through every horrible step of the grieving process. That doesn't mean that the pain was magically gone or that I didn't question or get angry with God or Chad, or even that I didn't sometimes want my own life to end! It didn't mean that I didn't feel hopeless at times as I grappled with the most horrible pain I ever could have imagined. It doesn't mean that I didn't question how in the world my life could ever go on. What it does mean is that through ALL of the questioning and grappling that there was a CONSTANT! Jesus was with my through every step and every tear. The Holy Spirit was, and is, my very constant companion.

In Phillipians 4 the word tells us that, "when we present our requests before God, with thanksgiving in our hearts, that He will give us a peace that passes all our understanding that will gaurd our hearts and our minds." Jenny ~ I DO NOT understand how it is true! But, my friend, I KNOW that it is! I have had a peace that has truly stood gaurd around my mind and my emotions. It is way bigger than I . . . It is truly something that only God could do! I am so thankful for my relationship. HE is my best friend! The Word says that we will have a friend in HIM that will stick closer than a brother! I have tested it and know it is true! He is SO good.

One thing that one of my counselors told me this past year was that it is in times of great trouble like you are going through that we must go back to what we KNOW to be true . . .NOT what we FEEL! I tell people in my concerts, that the God of October 6th - the day before Chad died when my life was perfect and good - and the God of October 7th - the day my whole life came crashing down on me - are the SAME GOD! My circumstances don't change WHO God is! God is good! Period! I trust that! I trust Him!!!!!

Now, for the comments that people say to you. Hmmmm . . . I am so sorry that people feel that they have to make sense of all of this for you! The best thing for them to say would just be to say they are sorry - but they feel that they need to help, so they tell you that there will be good ahead. You know, Jenny, there WILL be good ahead. I know that because God's Word tells us that "All things work together for good for those who love Him." I am a BIG believer in the fact that God "redeems our suffering." That is a topic for another time . . . but basically, it means that God does not waste our suffering.

However, please let me assure you, Jenny, that God did not take your husband from you so the He could give you better! That is absolutely NOT the way a loving and tender Heavenly Father works. When God created Heaven and Earth, death was not in His plan! However, when sin entered the world, so did death. I am so thankful that God made a way through Jesus for us to be reconciled back to Him . . .and therefore back to our Husbands who now live with Him in Heaven! The notion that somehow God did this to you so that you can have a bigger, better future is ridiculous!

Does God have a plan for you? Absolutely! Will it be good? Yes and no! I TRUST my precious Lord who gives me this amazing thing called 'peace' to have a good future me. I don't believe that my life will be without struggle. I DO know that God longs to redeem all of this pain and anguish and I trust that somehow, in some way He will bring good into our lives.

Jenny, remember our little pup Miah? She is named after Jeremiah 29:11 that says, "I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and to give you hope and a future." THAT is the heart of a Heavenly Father who does, truly, want good for you.

Psalm 91:1 (God's 911) says, "Those who live in the shelter of the Most High God will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty." Jenny, God longs for you to be snuggled in so close to Him that you will be sheltered in His shadow. Cry out to Him! Open your heart completely to Him and let His sweet Spirit envelope ALL of who you are - your pain, your future, your hopes, your dreams! He longs to hold it all in His hands . . . so that when the plans YOU make fall apart - He is there to hold you through it!

Another part to all of this, is that I would recommend that you get into a really good, supportive, bible teaching church. Marni and Collette and I would love it if you would like to come with us! Our church is great! I know you have a church . . . but I'm not sure how plugged in you are. Our church has absolutely been a rock to me through all of this! But, we can talk about that later!

I love you so much, Jenny! And I pray God's best for your life!
Sarah

My Little Micah

2008-12-02T22:13:00.004-05:00

Greetings All!

Well, you have blessed me greatly! Thank you all for your comments, thoughts, and encouragement! They mean the world to me . . . as do your prayers . . .and I know that many of you are offering those up on our behalf, and I thank you!

On that note . . .would you please lift my little Micah up in prayer tomorrow . . . it will be his eighth birthday. No matter how much we brace ourselves for the inevitable "hole" in our holidays . . . it is still there. Will you please pray a blessing over this baby ~ that his birthday will be one of joy and laughter and that his memories of his daddy will be sweet and comforting as he continues his journey through his little life?

Kids can and will be mean and every now and then we have to deal with the reality of that. Last Tuesday Micah came out to the van after school and his usually pleasant face was looking a bit glum. He said that he never wanted to go back to school again! I asked what was wrong and he told me that a little boy in his class had teased him because his daddy was dead. Oh, man! My heart just sunk! My poor little guy! I explained to him that what the little boy had done was wrong but that I think he did it because he is confused about death and maybe even scared by it. But all of my explanations and coddling at that point could not remove the pain that must have pierced Micah's heart when that little boy said that. Micah's teacher has been very compassionate and has done what she can to help the boys work through this, and for that I am very grateful.

I am finding that when holidays and special events roll around my kids seem to be a bit on edge. They are too young to verbalize the depth of the emotion that they feel and therefore it comes out in sheer crabbiness! That is fine . . . may our sweet and faithful Heavenly Father bless them each as they work through their grief as 12, 10, and 8 year-olds!

Father in Heaven ~ will You please Bless my little Micah tomorrow? Please bless the next year of His life. Please give Micah hope for a wonderful future. I ask that You will help him to like school and that You will anoint those working with him to know exactly how this precious little guy's mind works. Father, please guard his heart and mind with Your sweet peace and pour into and out of him all the counsel and comfort that is his through your Holy Spirit. Thank you, Lord, for the gift of Micah ~ our wonderful little surprise. I know that You have incredible plans for his life and I thank You for them. Please keep the memory of his daddy ever present in his little mind. Please bless, bless, bless him, Lord! Amen.

Your thoughts!

2008-11-30T22:22:00.002-05:00

November 30, 2008!

Yea! My last post received over 10 comments! Sorry . . . you are hopefully smiling at that . . . but I have been watching to see when my little blog would get 10 comments. Now, technically two of them are mine . . . but close enough! We did it! I'm so excited! Thank you to all who read this and to those of you who comment. I watch all day to see who comments and from where and what you have to say! You bless my socks off (and I LOVE socks) when you leave me comments, so I thank you!

I would really treasure some feedback from you all right now - and no, this is not a way to just up the comments, despite what you may think :-). As of late I have been using my blog as a sort of journal. Since Chad passed away I have been journaling quite faithfully, but keeping both a journal and a blog seems a bit repetitive. There are things that I will write to myself that I will not share with all of you . . . but not many. Well anyhow, I had some very deep thoughts today, one of which I will blog now and the other I will do in the next couple days. I tend to be a pretty deep thinker. I lean toward melancholy and thus my thoughts tend to be a bit on the serious side. What I would like to know from you is do you mind the deep thoughts? Because this journey is a bit long and painful right now, I fear that sharing my journey and emotions with you might become a drag - and yet, I don't want to miss an opportunity to encourage some of you by the mere fact that I open myself up for you to watch the entire experience. On the other hand, perhaps you are here for the sole purpose of seeing what is going on with my music. If that is the case, you may want just the stories about what is going on with that front.

All in all, I don't want to get too heavy for the daily readers . . . and yet, I DO NOT want to sugar coat all that we are going through! So, I guess I am answering my own question - but I would love to know your thoughts. So . . . on to my deep thought for today . . . It is not long . . . but it is a window into my soul ~

Tonight I began Christmas shopping and also bought Micah a birthday present - as he will turn eight on December 3rd. It never ceases to amaze me how you can be in a store or a mall FULL of people and yet be all alone. I am settling into the 'alone.' I am figuring out who I am on my own and the 'alone' doesn't bother me much anymore like it did in those early months after Chad died. Back then, the 'alone' terrified me. But today, I often relish the quiet time in my life and the 'alone' doesn't seem as horrible as it once did.

There are, however, still moments along this journey that the 'alone' pierces me to my very core and sends a chilling reminder through my emotions that I am, indeed, 'alone.' As I walked through the mall and navigated the toy aisles at Target and Walmart I was struck with the keen awareness that this year I shop 'alone.' Chad and I used to deliberate long and hard over what three gifts (to signify the three gifts that Christ received) the kids would get. We then LOVED traversing the crowded streets and stores to create a very nice Christmas for our babies. We always did it together. Tonight, walking 'alone' through the toy sections, longing for his input and discernment as a daddy for his sons, my heart just broke! The familiar songs play, the warmth and excitement of the season are in the air, and yet, the realities of life are never far from my daily functioning. This year I will shop alone. This year we will even celebrate alone. That is reality, my friends. I will be o.k. WE will be o.k. But if you see me out and about, and perhaps my mind seems miles away its because it is. It is most likely far off in memories of a time when 'alone' meant free time away from Chad and the kids . . . not reality.

Blessings to you all!
Sarah

Refuge

2008-11-28T08:47:00.001-05:00

November 28, 2008

Oh, my Father, once again old and new collide. Yesterday was so very hard, yet today brings bright hope for tomorrow.

It is so strange – today I will sit at my brother’s house, probably in my pajamas, and have a wonderful, relaxing day with my children and family. The whole time knowing that all throughout America people will hear Christmas In Heaven for the first time. It is a song that will stop them in their tracks. They will be pierced by the lyric of it and it will stick with them forever. I know this because I have experienced that firsthand and I am now receiving testimonies of the power of the song on almost a daily basis. Today, over 250 radio stations all across this great land will begin playing Christmas in Heaven. Oh, Lord, please bless it! Please! Please draw people into it and please compel them to find it and buy it. Lord, may I be so bold as to ask that this be the song that puts me on the map. Today, there is much, much evidence of the new . . . the good . . . excitement!

Yet, yesterday was marked with tremendous pain from a past that I can no longer call my future! This is NOT how I would want this, yet, my sweet Lord, I submit and find refuge in You. My days are so much better now, emotionally, that I thought perhaps I would make it through the day without much fuss. That, was not the case. By nine a.m. I stood weeping in the kitchen, my heart absolutely breaking for my beloved who is not here. Oh, how I miss him! I long for the future we had planned. I ache for my sweet children who’s daddy is in Heaven – not here on Earth to be all that they need him to be. How ironic that as I stood weeping it was those precious, wonderful little vessels of Chad that came and stood under me, arms wrapped around me, and held me as I wept for their daddy. And my heart broke – the questions. The pain. I miss him so very much. I weep and mourn for three wonderful babies who no longer have their daddy.

Why do they have to hold ME as I weep for their daddy? Why do our hearts have to break like this? As a mama, I worry – how are they really doing? I know and understand what this means in their little lives . . . I see the whole picture. But, how are they really? They all continue to go to counseling. Abbi wants to stop going, well, she never wanted to go to begin with. But it is my duty to make sure they get through this with their emotional self intact. Perhaps they go more for my peace of mind than for theirs. This way I know that there is always an outlet for their pain and questions. If I can’t make sense of it – how in Heaven’s name can they?

My heart breaks for them. Why? Abbi needs a daddy here to show her how a man should treat her. I am so thankful – ah, yes, it puts a smile on my face – that the very last thing her daddy taught her was how to let a boy down easily. What a beautiful thing! Thank you, Lord! And my boys – my sweet, tender, intuitive Noah – who is so, so much like his daddy. He needs a daddy here to play Lego’s with him and to usher him through all the changes that lay ahead for his body and his emotions. And precious little Micah – how in the world can this baby possibly make sense of any of this? My goal is just to work as hard as I can to keep his daddy’s memory alive for him. Oh, Lord! Thank you that you wired Micah the way you did . . . please keep vivid ALL of the memories that he has of his beloved daddy. Lord, thank you for the men . . .the men who have risen to the occasion and been daddy’s to my babies throughout this past year. Thank you! Please bless them all!

Father, please give me the wisdom and strength to guide these babies through all of this. I love when they hold me – and yet, I hate it! I need to be the strong one – and yet, I am thankful that they have seen me mourn and weep for the love of my life.

I see signs of their mourning in other ways . . . Micah still needs me throughout the night. Oh, Lord, You know that we were never a ‘family bed’ family. Micah starts out in his own bed, but usually by Midnight he has crawled in and is snuggling with me. He tries to crawl inside my skin, I think. Several times throughout the night he will look for my hand . . . his little hand searching to find it. When he finds it he wraps his little fingers around my thumb and holds on, usually with an “I love you” to follow. Often times I will wake up with his head on my chest – I know that he is listening for my heart. He knows his daddy’s heart stopped . . . and I know he finds peace in listening to mine. Oh, father, please be his refuge. Please give this baby peace as he wrestles with a beast so much bigger than his almost eight little years. Please shelter him.

Father, I must say, that I am amazed. I am amazed at the peace. Your word promises it. Over and over it tells us to rest in you . . . to present our requests to You and You will give us peace . . . .to know that You are our refuge. Yet, through this storm that has been so big, and dark, and painful, and engulfing . . . You HAVE been a refuge. I do not understand it . . . I do not know how it works . . . .but I am thankful. Thank You, Lord, for being my refuge and strength. Thank you for granting my soul ‘rest’ when my body and emotions are weak beyond weak. Thank you for granting to me a peace that goes so far beyond anything that my understanding can figure out.

Please, God, be all of that to my precious children. Please be their refuge. Please help me, as their mama, to demonstrate to them, all that You are. Please help me to be their mama AND their daddy. Please complete us, Lord. Please prepare us for all that lies ahead. Oh, God, please send them a new daddy and me a new beloved. That is the prayer of a widow’s heart . . . that is the prayer of a mama’s heart. We submit to You, oh God. Lord, may You get the glory.

Happy Birthday, My Love!

2008-11-26T23:49:00.002-05:00

November 27, 2008

Well, my friends, today would have been Chad’s 37th birthday. My goodness . . . that sounds old :-) Ironic that this year it falls on Thanksgiving. He always loved that. He was a pie lover . . .he could have skipped cake all around – but NOT pie! He loved it! He loved that he could have pie with a candle in it for his birthday. Chad used to tell stories of his mom making him his very own pumpkin pie for his birthday . . .and he didn’t have to share it with anyone! It always put a smile on his face! He said no one could rival his mom’s pumpkin pie!

So, today we will celebrate two holidays – Thanksgiving, and my beloved’s birthday. We will begin bright and early at the cemetery. The kids and I will go to the grave and place a beautiful, orange rose there to honor our husband and daddy. We will then pick up my dad and head off to my brother’s house over near Grand Rapids. My whole family will be there. The last time we were all together there was the morning after the marathon when we gathered there to tell the children of Chad’s passing. These next few days, I must admit, will be seasoned with very painful memories.

One year ago today I was being crushed under the weight of uncertainty. My entire world had been turned upside down and inside out all within one heartbeat. There was no warning and there were no goodbyes. I know that at Thanksgiving time last year I was still in such a state of bewilderment and confusion . . . still in a total daze! I really did not understand what had just hit us and I certainly could not see any end to the pain and confusion. I literally could only breathe in, and breathe out. There were moments in those early days that the mere act of breathing was even asking a lot.

I am certain that some of you who are reading this today might feel the weight of uncertainty in your life. Perhaps, today, the simple act of breathing is asking a lot. Perhaps questions are haunting you or maybe you are facing a mountain that seems impossible. This is my journal entry (part of it) from last November 27th ~
“Happy Birthday, My Love! Do you have any idea how much I miss you? How much I hurt? I just can’t take this! I miss you SO much . . . I feel so lonely without you! I love you so much, Chad! Please God – if he can’t see this – please tell him! Oh, Chad – I miss you! I still just can’t believe this! How could you just be gone? We had a party for you tonight. Michael (one of Chad’s best friends) lost a stone in his wedding band about a year ago and he had it replaced with your birthstone as a tribute to you and to what we have sown into their marriage. Also, Pam Wellington came over today and told me about her hair dresser and her husband. They have both given their hearts to the Lord since your funeral. Could you have ever guessed it, Babe? May our children know your legacy! Can you believe it – funeral? It just doesn’t seem like it could really be! I would give anything just to touch you one more time – or to talk to you – tell you goodbye and that I love you! You were all my dreams come true! Thank you for being Christ in flesh – for loving me and filling all the dark holes in my heart. I love and miss you. Do you know how miserable we all are without you? Lord, I just give You all of this – may You get the glory!

Those, my friends, are the words of a young woman completely blindsided by uncertainty and pain. I am amazed at how much pain time has healed. One year later there is still uncertainty . . . yes, there is definitely still uncertainty. But, you know what? It is o.k. I am learning the beauty of Matthew’s words in Matthew 6, “Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.” I used to spend so much time planning and analyzing and thinking about where we were and where we were going and how to handle the in between of all of that. In one instant all of it was stripped away.

I am learning the beauty of the word ‘rest.’ You see, no matter what my plans are, there is a plan that is way bigger than I. Perhaps we are all just pawns in the Father’s hand. I could wish for nothing more than that, really! To be a pawn in His hand is the greatest thing I could imagine! If that is the case, then all I have to concern myself with is staying so close to Him that His hands encompass me. It takes me back to all the evening when Chad and I would put the kids to bed and then sit snuggled up on the couch. We were snuggled so closely that if one of us reached for the remote it would move the other one’s body as well. I long to be snuggled so close to God that when He moves I am there to be a part of it.

Some of you may know already that I love the sweet old hymn, ‘Be Still and Know.’ It has ministered to me in profound ways since Chad’s death! Oh, the sweetness of those simple words . . . “Be still and know that I am God.” Saying and singing them may be simple, but following through with it on an emotional level is a bit more difficult. How do you ‘be still’ when the world around you is swirling, when the waves are crashing against you, when the winds are shredding all that you know to be true? That, my friend, is the place where ‘seeing’ and ‘faith’ collide.

Today, you may only be able to ‘see’ the storm that rages around you. Three very dear friends of mine are walking through stormy waters today. One just buried her mother, one is spending Thanksgiving with her beloved father who had a stroke last week, and the other just found out that her beloved daddy has lymphoma. Big storms! But, it is in those places of seeing the storm rage wildly around us that we must trust that our Abba Father is bigger than the storm. It is in those places of trial, that we must know that His precious word is true! Psalm 46 says, “God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in times of trouble. So do not fear, even if earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea. Let the oceans roar and foam. Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge! . . . The Lord almighty is here among us . . . Be still! And know that I am God.”

This Thanksgiving . . . rest. Rest in Him! Rest in a Daddy who has tomorrow in His hands. Rest in a daddy that is bigger than whatever storm you are facing and who says to not fear the storm. Rest in a daddy who says you can be still . . . because HE IS GOD!

Done for now!!!!!!

2008-11-22T00:57:00.002-05:00

Well All! I am so thankful to say that after another very long, intense day in the studio - we are finished, for now! We have six songs well on their way. There will be 11 in all. There have been moments in the studio where we have spent an hour singing ONE word . . . .over and over and over. Last night we sang the word 'better' for almost an hour! This is how it goes ~ "soften the 'buh,' dipthong (a musical term that really means a very quick 'scoop') into the 'e', not so much 'e' sound - add a little 'uh' to the 'e', don't hit the 'tt' too hard, dipthong into the 'er', no vibrato on the 'er' but put a crackle on the end all while you curl the 'er' around." ALL within one second or less, with the perfect tone and the perfect pitch and the perfect inflection! Now, can you see why it can take an hour to sing ONE word correctly! My goodness! But, despite how painful the process can be at times - it is also a beautiful thing.

I am truly in awe of God's goodness. This album is my heart poured out! The sounds and essence of it are rich with emotion and meaning. It will be an album that ministers. One of the songs on the project is called 'wishin time away,' and as we worked on it today, I sat in the isolation booth caressing Chad's wedding ring and longing to touch him. I miss him so deeply - his friendship - his smile. I miss the excitement that he would share with me as we work on the CD. I know he sees and hears it all. I know he is proud. The kids and I are choosing to live! We are choosing to walk forward. This album is us walking forward!

The final words that Chad ever penned was the line "Lord, May You get the glory." The Long October Road is our way to continue Chad's legacy . . . Lord, may You get the glory!

Recording, Day 2

2008-11-20T02:06:00.002-05:00

Good Morning ~

Most of you are probably reading this when you wake up. I, however, have not yet been to bed. The day started very early with Abbi calling at 6:40 to see if she could go to school without her wrist brace on (she hurt her wrist a while back.) Neither Marni or I could get back to sleep. So, with just a few hours of sleep we dove into our day. It took me quite a while to get ready for the TV interview. It takes a LOT of makeup and GREAT hair for something like that - - - both things that don't just 'happen' these days :-) The interview went well. It will air on Christmas day on the Christian Television Network.

Then we were off to Paul's for another 11 hours of recording. Holy moly! I am exhausted. It is now 2:11 a.m. . . . Recording can be VERY frustrating. Paul is amazing at pulling out of me a tone and attitude that I have longed to translate to my albums, but have never had someone to help me do so . . . the only problem is that he and I communicate really differently, and it can tend to infuriate me! Just to give you an example ~ I sang ONE word for over an hour today. Seriously! The same word over and over and over and I never did get it the way Paul wanted it. He was wonderful today, though, and I think has figured out that I work best with encouragement. He gave me lots of 'good jobs,' and Marni prayed REALLY hard . . .and we have gotten some absolutely incredible songs going! This new album is going to be awesome - and is truly taking my voice, sound, and music to a whole new level! It is thrilling! Thank you, Paul, for being dedicated enough to the process to really push me through . . . I appreciate you very much!

Well, off to bed . . . another long day ahead of us tomorrow. Blessings to you all!
Sarah

Recording, Day 1

2008-11-19T00:14:00.002-05:00

Good Evening All!

Well, recording 'day one' is over. We did two really fun songs today. The first one went very well and was easy. The second was very frustrating and took a really long time to get right. Recording is really tough work. Every little move of the tongue or jaw or lips can change the tone and sound. It is very technical and can get very tedious. I am not complaining AT ALL! I am so thankful for the opportunity.

Tomorrow I have a TV interview in the morning and then back to the studio. Our goal is two songs a day . . . today we recorded for close to 11 hours.

I have some very exciting news! Family Life Network out of Bath, New York is adding the song Christmas in Heaven!!!!!! That means 60 more stations throughout New York and Pennsylvania will be playing it. This is just great news! All of those stations mark areas that I can possibly go to and sing. We already know that American Family Radio will play it - that is almost 200 stations across the country. Each network that adds it gives us great momentum to continue picking up new stations.

Thank you all for your prayers and for reading my blog. Thank you for sharing in the excitement of all these new and opened doors. Blessings to each of you through out this week. May you feel the peace and presence of our sweet Savior in all that you do. He is so good. REST in Him. Abide in Him.

Lauging Again

2008-11-18T01:57:00.002-05:00

Greetings All!

Marni and I made it to Nashville today. I must say . . . the trip flew by as we talked, talked, talked, talked, and then talked some more. Three weeks ago, when I drove down with Kraig and Malachi, by the time we reached the Michigan/Indiana border (on the way DOWN) Kraig was already out of words. He looked at me and said, "I bet when you go down with Krystn (our sister) you don't run out of things to say this quick." Uh, yeah, or NEVER! Women never run out of things to say!!!! Now, I must say that Kraig worked very hard to talk the entire trip and I really appreciated that.

Marni and I didn't need to 'work' at it at all! We got to Nashville around 11:00 pm and I took her on a little sight seeing expedition through Music Row and downtown Nashville . . . Why not? We're both night owls. Although I do need to get to bed as it is 2:11 a.m. and I must get rest for my voice this week!!!!!

It was hard to leave home today. . . it always is. I wonder if it always will be. The feeling that Chad should be there to send me off just never dims. It is always there. Then, of course, the reality that he will not be there when I come home is there, lurking, as well. In some way, though, I know that he is with me more now than he ever was here on Earth. I know it. I feel it. I rest in it! Jesus . . .please tell my beloved how much I love him.

We begin recording at 10:00 tomorrow (Tuesday). It will be hard work. I am very excited to report to you all that I had a wonderful concert on Saturday. Not wonderful because of me or the performance. No, it was the people. The church. It was at a Catholic church in Bay City - St. James - and the people were so kind and receptive. We had a great time! The last time I had sung I took 270 pre-orders for Christmas in Heaven. This concert almost felt like a test . . .was that enormous pre-order response just a fluke? Would that happen again????

Yep! It did! I am so grateful! I sold 218 copies of Christmas In Heaven! Wow! God is so faithful. My first 1,000 are almost gone and today I reordered 2,000 more! Thank you, Lord! Thank you!

I would like to share with you a little diddy that wrote the other night while listening to the kids! I pray it will encourage you and put a smile on your face. Please lift my babies in prayer this week as I am away. May the Lord bless them and keep them and make His sweet face to shine upon them and be gracious unto them! May He grant all three of them His wonderful peace!!!!!

Friday, November 14th: As I write this the sound of laughter fills our home. The children are wrestling - all three of them - AND giving Micah a MAJOR wedgie . . . something their daddy would be very proud of! It feels so good. . .not the wedgie . . . the laughter. I see, every day, that joy is returning to our home. I am so thankful.

Stay tuned for a fun week of recording . . . .Blessings!!!!!!

A Tale of Two Coins

2008-11-14T10:28:00.001-05:00

Hey all - As you read my blog from today, I comment about a friend of mine . . . her blog. I have figured out that it is A Tale of Two Coins! Check her out! Jenny is amazing. Please be praying for her. . . her grief is new, and big, and hard, and horrible.

Jenny - remember today - - - - YOU ARE SO STRONG!!!!! You are loved and lifted up in prayer.

November 14th

2008-11-14T09:49:00.002-05:00

Good Morning All -

Before I begin - I am excited to let you know that Christmas In Heaven is now available to order on my website. It makes a wonderful gift . . . a teacher gift, a boss gift, a stocking stuffer. It is just the one song and is beautifully packaged. Please order LOTS of them :-). My website is www.sarahschieber.com. Also, I want to let you know that a new friend of mine, Jenny Coin, and I are going to be doing another blog together. Jenny was widowed 11 weeks ago now, and is only 31 years old. This blog will be letters that we write back a forth to one another about our journeys through grief. It will be fascinating. We have e-mails stacking up that we have written to one another. It will be moving and intriguing. Please be watching for more information about that. You can also check out Jenny's blog. . . although . . . I'm not sure where. Well, she has left comments for me . . . so maybe you can find her that way. Jenny . . . when you read this . . . why don't you comment and leave your info. I'm so bad at this 'tech' stuff! I can barely find my own blog - in fact, if it wasn't just a tab on my website, I wouldn't know how to get here :-). Pathetic, I know!

I am sorry it has been a while. I cannot seem to keep up with my life right now. I have had some good writing time - working on the book. It is getting harder and harder. I am now writing about the marathon weekend - and this is where it becomes emotional. I find I don't cry much anymore . . . I just don't have time. My counselor advised me this week to MAKE time to rest and to cry. That is wise counsel. All that being said, writing about what happened in Chicago is very emotionally draining and difficult. Trying to sort out ALL that happened after the marathon is daunting . . . but God is so very good and I know it will all come together.

My mom was down last weekend and we worked on paperwork. I had gone about a month w/o opening mail (can you believe that?) and it had been two months since I had done any paperwork regarding Sarah Schieber, Inc . . .which meant much work for my dear mom. She has been a bookkeeper for years and years, so I have asked her to take over the bookkeeping. We met with my accountant and the two of them are off and running. I have been having work done on my computers all week (the computer guy - who's name happens to be Chad Michael - is here right now) so that we can get the corporation up and running. I am so thankful that my mom can take all of this over. The paperwork really overwhelms me, and she 'gets' it all - so it is really a blessing. She and my accountant will get it all computerized, and we are off and running!

I have a concert tomorrow in Bay City. I leave Monday for Nashville. My good friend, Marni (Mary's mom), is going with me. While we are there I will sing, sing, sing - to record my vocals. I am really nervous about it - so any prayers offered up on my behalf would really be appreciated. Also, on Wednesday morning I will do a TV interview - I will give my testimony and sing Christmas In Heaven. It is pre-recorded, and is for a Christmas special on the Christian Television Network. I have a publicist in Nashville, named Gina Adams, and she will go with me to this event.

There are TONS of interviews stacking up for December. I have a feeling it will be a VERY busy month. Some are for articles that will be written about Christmas In Heaven and my testimony regarding it, and some are for radio. Please pray that Christmas In Heaven will be played ALL across the country and that I will have favor with the programmers. Please pray that I can keep up with all this . . . as I type I remember that I have many cd's I need to put in the mail today to go to radio stations . . . my house is a total MESS . . . .I need to pack . . . I need to practice for the concert tomorrow and practice the songs I will be recording next week . . . I need to figure out what I'm wearing for TV . . . I need to make a list of where and when my kids need to be next week for the gal who is staying with them . .. AND - I need to keep working on the outline for the book! Ug!

Well, I better get to work. Enough blogging! Oh, I do want to update you all on Mary and Micah first. It has become very evident this week that not only is Mary smitten on him . . . Micah is smitten on her!!!!! In fact, he has told his buddy's at school that he has a girlfriend (of course, Mary has no idea of that, yet) and one of them told him yesterday that he should kiss her. He said, "Mom, I'm not going to kiss her, but if I did, how old do you think I should be?" The last two days as he has gotten in the car after school he told me, "I couldn't stop thinking about you know who all day." Now - you all know the adult code of ethic, here, right? This is top secret! You must not breathe a word of this to Micah! Bless his little heart! He has got it bad!!!!!!!

Please remember today - Psalm 46 assures us that God is our Refuge and Strength! He is our very present help in time of trouble! "A very present help" . . . think about that . . . not a distant help, not "I'll get around to it when I can" . . . no, my friends! He is here . . . NOW. Right when you need him . . . He is here for you today. Blessings!

November 6th

2008-11-06T11:47:00.001-05:00

Today I weep. My beloved is gone. I miss him so deeply. There is nothing I can do. I cannot hear him, nor see him, nor touch him, nor talk to him. I would give anything to just have him for one moment. Oh, my heart breaks. The tears . . . the weeping.

It seems now that many days are good. There are days without weeping and I am thankful. But, when it hits it is still so deep and painful. I am writing the book outline and am getting to the weekend of the marathon. It is really difficult to relive it. I know that is why the tears come. How do I ever capture in word all that happened that weekend. How do I capture in word the emotion? How do I capture in word God’s unending faithfulness when my entire world had come crashing down?

I miss my beloved. Chad Michael – you were all my dreams come true. Thank you for your life and your love. Today I snuggled up next to Micah as I woke him up. His skin feels just like yours, Chad. There is so much of you living on in our babies. I snuggled him close and kissed that sweet, warm, skin. I told him that we weren’t planning to get pregnant when we did. I told him that he was a COMPLETE surprise . . . and one of the best surprises of my life. I told him that I can’t imagine life without him and that he reminds me so much of you. Honey, you would be so proud of our babies . . . they are such wonderful people! I know you see us! I know you must. Please show us signs of you today, Chad. Please! I need to see you today! I love you.

2008-11-04T16:44:00.001-05:00

Voting day! Finally! We can get back to life as normal . . . please get out and vote.

Today, I am going to tell you about two precious babies. My little Micah and his buddy Mary. Many of you know about our new puppy Miah. Well, when I set out to find a puppy, I called a lady in our church that I had heard of but had never met. Her name is Marni, and in no time at all Marni and I have become the best of friends. (Are you confused, yet? These are a lot of "M" names.) Our kids are similar in ages, and that makes puppy play dates (they have three dogs) really fun for all of us.

Marni's youngest is Mary. Mary is 8 years old. My youngest is Micah. Micah is 7 years old. They both have birthdays the first week in December. I remember Marni telling me, when we first met, that her little Mary is her 'fireball.' The one you never know what to expect from. The one who lives larger than life. That would pretty much sum up my Micah. We call him our 'enigma,' because there is so much more going on behind his eyes than you could ever know. The first five years of his life the most frequently spoken words were "Where's Micah?" He would quietly wander off to follow the garbage truck down the street or to follow a snake across town!

Surely I digress . . . back to 2008. It seems that little Mary has a bit of a crush on Micah. At kids camp this summer she informed my daughter, Abbi, that she should marry Micah. She is the MOST adorable kid I think I've ever met . . . so I am happy to betroth my child to her :-) We recently all went to a movie and Marni and I made the mistake of letting Mary and Micah sit way at the end of the aisle next to one another . . . all through the movie all we heard was 'giggle, giggle, giggle!" The two of them are two peas in a great big pod! Mary smiles her way through life and Micah giggles his way through life. They are so much fun together. You can just kinda see the wheels turning the whole time they are playing. Mary has also informed her mom that they should go on a date for their birthdays. If they go to Applebee's they can get two appetizers for the price of one AND each get a free dessert. In fact, she said, if they get married they can celebrate their birthdays like that every year and that should be perfect!

Yesterday, Mary looked at Marni and with concern in her eyes asked, "Mom, what is devil oping?" Of course, as you and I would also be, Marni was completely confused. "Devil oping?" She asked. "Yeah," Mary replied, "what is devil oping?" "Well, Mary, I don't know. Where did you hear about it?" "Well," Mary said, "I know I shouldn't have, but I peaked on my report card and at the top it says that I am devil oping." How sweet is that? In case you haven't looked at a report card in a while, one of the categories is 'developing.'

Now on to my little enigma and a story that breaks my heart. One thing I have learned about grief is that you never know when it may hit. You can be smiling one minute and weeping in a heap on the floor the next . . . literally! As many of you know, I grilled yesterday. Truly, just the fact that I actually cooked is sign of healing. I was so proud of myself that not only did I make a healthy meal, but I also used Chad's grill.

After dinner, my best friend, Hillary, and I were going to run to the mall. Dan and Hillary live about two minutes away, and Dan is a daddy to my kids, so I was taking the boys over there to hang out with Uncle Danny while us ladies were out (Abbi was at a friends house.)

I need to back up a couple weeks to another two minute car ride where Micah asked on the way to school one morning, "Where do people go when they come back from the dead?" You can imagine that it stopped me in my tracks. Micah didn't begin grieving until about July. My understanding of grief in young children is that they can only process a very little bit at a time, so it takes a while. I am just thankful that he finally began to process . . .and I am thankful for our counselor who can speak wisdom into all of this.

Anyhow, that morning on the way to school was tough, and at one point my ten-year-old, Noah, turned to Micah and said very matter of factly, "Micah! Daddy's NOT coming back." Ug, stick a knife in my heart! We talked it all through and I thought that Micah and I had communicated that daddy is not coming back and that some of his questions had been answered. I couldn't believe that for a year this baby had been thinking that his daddy would come back.

Fast forward to last night . . . the boys got to talking about Christmas and Santa and Micah informed me that he was going to ask Santa something that no one else could know. Of course, I begin panicking thinking, "has he figured all this out? Is this his way of outsmarting me? Is this the year when belief in Santa comes to an end?"

"Yep," he replied, "no one can know." "Micah, you have to tell at least Mommy." "Nope, its just between me and him." Noah being the older, wiser, non-believing brother said, "Micah, that's not the way it works." "I don't care, I'm not telling."

By now my wheels are beginning to spin, and yes, my friend, just as you are I was beginning to connect the dots. As my mind raced (remember, this is only a two minute car ride!) and I wondered how to direct this conversation, my precious baby piped up from the back seat, "Mama, if daddy comes back to life will he be able to get out of the grave?" Oh, the dagger that just drove through my heart! The joy of healing stripped away with the innocent question of a seven year old who's daddy is dead. "Baby, is that what you are going to ask Santa? Are you going to ask him to bring daddy back?" . . . . from the back a very soft, sweet, "yeah."

Dear God . . . please hold Micah when reality hits. Please, may we all be there for this precious little guy when he finally realized that his daddy is not coming back. Lord, please hold his little heart and emotions in Your loving hands and help guide us all through this. We need you, Lord. We need You so desprdesperatelyp;

May little Micah and little Mary bring joy and friendship into one another's lives!

Signs of healing

2008-11-03T17:01:00.000-05:00

I see little signs of healing all around. A month ago I decorated for Harvest - it felt so good to want to decorate again. Tonight, I will use Chad's grill for the first time! Chad had been named Officer Of The Year the June before he passed away. He got a bonus, and with that bonus he purchased the laptop I am typing on, a cordless drill that I don't know how to use, and a beautiful, BIG grill. He loved it! We grilled ALL the time! We had had a wonderful grilled salmon and grilled veggie dinner just days before we left for Chicago. I have not been able to bring myself to use it. It has just sat for a year. But tonight, I will grill.

Healing. Progress. I think my beloved would be proud of us. We love you, Chad! We miss you!

2008-11-02T22:59:00.006-05:00

November 2nd –

Good Sunday all! I started typing this about 7:30 this morning – it is now Sunday evening. Did you all remember to turn your clocks back last night? I can remember last year when the clocks were turned back. My journal from that day reads:

“November 4,2007 – Well, my life feels very lonely right now . . . I just miss my honey! Last night we turned the clocks back – the LAST thing I want right now is an extra hour in my day! Ug! Time just drags by! It has been four weeks today.”

The pain during those very dark days was suffocating. I am so thankful that today, the pain is so much less. It is still there. In fact, I will tell you of a very sweet, yet tearful, moment I had on the way home from Nashville. Yes, the pain will always be there, I suspect. But, now there is so much hope. I am very excited to tell you all about our trip to Nashville last week. I will get to the teary part in a bit. . .it will be worth the wait . . . I promise!

First, I would like to thank you all for reading my blog. I am shocked at the number of you who have stopped me on the street to tell me that you are reading it. Thank you, thank you! Please tell everyone you know about it . . . and please, comment. I read them all and they make me smile. It is so wonderful to keep in touch this way! You all bless me! Many of you tell me that you are still praying for the kids and I and I truly cannot tell you how much that means to me! I know that those prayers help walk us through our days! Also, I want to let you know that I now have Christmas In Heaven in hand and ready to sell. They will be available on my website soon – but until then you can just e-mail me at sarah@sarahschieber.com to order them. They are $5 each, or a bundle pack of 5 for $20. That price includes shipping. They will make wonderful teacher/boss gifts, stocking stuffers, etc. Please spread the news!

Now, on to our amazing week! My friends, IT is happening. What, you may ask, is IT? You can interpret it for yourself – I will just fill you in on the details, you can figure IT out J. God is just so good. Isn’t He? As many of you know, my brother, Kraig, his 16-year-old son, Malachi, and I left for Nashville last Sunday. We arrived Monday evening and had my photo shoot on Tuesday. Then, Wednesday morning we began ‘laying tracks’ at the Quad Studio on music row in downtown Nashville. ‘Laying tracks’ means that we went into a larger studio with the musicians – acoustic/electric guitar player, drummer, bass guitar player, and pianist. No vocals are recorded at this point (we will do those in a smaller, much less expensive studio.) The musicians hear a demo of each song and then go play it. Now, let me qualify this – these are the BEST musicians in Nashville and therefore some of the best musicians, period! The guitar player, his name is Dave Cleveland, has played for some of the biggest names in Christian music and recently played for Miley Cyrus! Now – THAT is big time! The drummer, Scott Williamson, has produced Point of Grace. I’m tellin’ ya – these guys are the best. Can you believe that they are playing on MY CD? Wow! I am so grateful! These men were humble, kind, servants of the Lord!

So, we had a wonderful day on Wednesday. The guys knocked out one song after another. We got seven done that day. Then Paul, Kraig, Malachi, and I went to a great little Italian restaurant called Demo’s.

It was a pretty late night – but well worth it. Of note – one of the highlights for Malachi was that Dave, the guitarist, let him sit right in the sound booth with him and watch him play. Mal is a budding guitarist, and to be able to sit and watch greatness at work was a wonderful experience! Thank you, Dave!

Now on to Thursday ~ it was one of the most memorable days I have ever had. It was magical! The Holy Spirit was all over Thursday – not that He wasn’t all over the other days – but this day was special. We only had three songs left to record on Thursday. It started out normal, we got the first song out of the way. As we were getting started, a man showed up at the studio. His name is Bruce, and he said that he wanted to come down to the studio to meet me. Bruce works for a company called Lifeway. Lifeway publishes music, has bookstores all across the country, and is who Paul writes music for. The songs that Paul and I have co-written for this CD are all owned by Lifeway. Bruce had heard some of what we have written and wanted to come be a part of what we were doing. Every person whom I have met or spoken with from Lifeway are people who are in this business to serve the Lord. You don’t always find that in the music industry. These people really seem to have a focus and love for the Lord. It was great to meet Bruce.

Our second song that morning was the title track to the album, ‘The Long October Road.’ This song is obviously birthed out of grief. It is based on the idea that October will last forever in our lives. It is poignant and beautiful! The guys listened to the demo and prepared to record. As they began playing, it was clear that the glory (power) of God had just fallen on that studio in a tangible way. They nailed the song the first time through. . . but beyond that, it left us all speechless. Eyes were filled with tears. Each of the musicians walked away from their instruments with a stunned look. No one knew what to say. I looked at Paul, and his eyes were moist with tears. You know, these guys play song after song, day after day – it is what they do. But THIS song was different. The anointing fell in an amazing way. It was very special. I am so humbled. I am so grateful! Lord, I thank You!

We finished up the last song – again, with a powerful move of the Lord on it. It is a wonderful worship song called “I Am Open.” I believe it will minister to many. After that, Bruce asked if he could take us to lunch. We went to a very nice restaurant and were able to meet another of the Lifeway employees named Craig. I am very thankful to these men for their guidance and for thinking big on my behalf.

I am most grateful, however, for the sweet presence of the Lord. This is all very amazing. These are lifelong dreams coming true. It is all WAY over my head. But, never once have I felt overwhelmed by the magnitude of it. Psalm 139 tells me that nothing I do, and nowhere that I go, am I ever far from God. Nothing is a surprise to him – not Chad dying, not the recording of any of these songs, not any of the doors that are now opening. God is in ALL of it. The peace that I feel is the only thing that IS overwhelming. I am just so thankful!

Now to the teary part. What does October mean to you? Perhaps it is simply 31 days sandwiched between September and November. Perhaps in your life it represents a birth, or a wedding, or maybe even like me – grief. We had a very nice drive home from Nashville. The last hour-and-a-half I was all alone. In those moments of quiet, alone with my new tracks to my new album, in the wee small hours of Friday morning, once again the presence of the Lord was enormous. His sweetness and His Spirit enveloped me as I drove and listened to the anointed music of The Long October Road. His peace held me as I sensed October. You see, what October means to me is that my beloved is gone. What October means in my life is that all the good and wonderful and exciting things that are happening in our life right now are seasoned with pain. Seasoned with the knowledge that while I know Chad sees and knows all that is happening, he is not here. His arms are not here to hold me. His sweet lips will never sweep softly across mine again. My heart can not bear the ‘missing.’ I never knew it could be bruised within my chest. October, my friends, will forever season our lives. It will forever be a part of who we are.

Pictures from Picture Day

2008-10-29T12:55:00.005-04:00

Hi, everyone!

Krystn here, posting some pics that Kraig sent me this morning. Sounds like they are having a great time. Picture taking was fun, but exhausting work. Melanie, of The Velvet Trunk, www.thevelvettrunk.com, and the make-up artist Holly, were great to work with. Kraig got to hold one of the lights all day, so was involved, too. He got some nice pix for us all to enjoy!

Last night, they went down to The Bluebird, a club, to hear an acoustic showcase, with a bunch of singer/songwriters. They loved it! Maybe one of them will post about who the folks were.

Today is THE DAY when The Long October Road begins to take shape with music. Sarah said that when she and Paul sat down the other night to put all the song in her keys, that it felt like putting on an old pair of jeans...easy, comfortable. This project is from her heart, in her words, now in her key...and now to be in the studio and recording in Nashville...well, it is truly an amazing day for her! Let's all pray God's grace like sunshine all over this project and all that they are doing down there this week!

2008-10-27T23:33:00.001-04:00

Hi All -

Well, our trip to Nashville is in full swing. Today, my brother, Kraig, and his son, Malachi, and I drove from Indianapolis to Nashville. We left home yesterday and spent Sunday night at the home of some dear friends of mine in the Indy area. It makes a great trip. Five hours one day, Five the next.

We arrived at our hotel mid-afternoon, ran to the mall - which is right next to the hotel (how absolutely perfect!) - to pick up a couple last minute items for the photo shoot tomorrow, then we went to my producer, Paul's house. As many of you know, Paul and I have spent the last few months writing the album "The Long October Road." This week, we begin to turn the concepts that birthed in our hearts into music. This is a very exciting part of the recording process. Tomorrow (Tuesday) I will have a photo shoot. We will be in the Franklin, TN area. My photographer's name is Melanie. I can't wait to meet her . . and the hair/make-up artist. They both sound like absolute sweethearts. We will go to several different locations and are really working toward a hip, artsy look. I'm excited. It is actually a LOT of work to get ready for an album cover photo shoot. It takes a ton of planning.

Then, on Wednesday and Thursday we will be in a big studio on 'music row' with the drummer, pianist, and guitar players. They will create the tracks that I will later lay my vocals to. The musicians who will play on my album are the very best of the best. It will be very exhilarating to listen as they bring our songs to life! We can't wait!

Tonight, at Paul's house, we ran through all the songs to make sure we have them in the right keys (notes/range) and just finalized our thoughts about them. Then we went out for a great dinner and dessert (Paul LOVES to eat! - that's a really fun part about this process - we eat out A LOT!!!!!!)

The next couple days we will have pictures to post and much to report . . . stay tuned! Blessings!

Oh, btw . . . yesterday was really hard . . . well, even today I bawled on the way here. Yesterday was so bitter with the knowledge that I was leaving home to continue on the road to fulfilling my lifelong dream . . . and my dear, sweet Chad was not there to send me off . . . or to come along with me.

Then today, I was asked to open for Selah in December, and I got news that the radio programmers are beginning to send word back to my radio promoter that they are LOVING "Christmas In Heaven!" They love it so much that one let Wendell - my promoter - know that she plans to start playing it before the Christmas season! She said she suspects it will be a 'hit.' Oh, that is such wonderful news - it is SO great . . . but, it is all because my beloved is dead.

None of this would be happening if Chad had not died. It is so heartbreaking! How do you celebrate when your heart is breaking. I would rather have Chad back than ANY of this!!!!!! I miss my beloved! I love you, Chad. I love you. GMML.

2008-10-24T22:50:00.001-04:00

October 24th –

Today, I miss my beloved. Where did he go? Sometimes I still just can’t believe that this is our life. Chad Michael – wherever you are, watching over us today . . . please know that my heart breaks not having you here. I miss you so very much. You were my very best friend. You completed me. You made me want to be the very best I could be . . . the best wife, the best mama, the best believer. You inspired me. Your memory lives on in our hearts. I hate that! I wish you lived on . . . but, alas, you do not. I cannot change what is . . .

I can only choose to continue to live the best life I can. Knowing . . . that you are watching. That you are cheering us on! Knowing that all that was good in you will continue to live on through us.

We choose to glorify God. We choose to live! We ARE going on! I wish it was with you by my side. But I do not have a say in this. Lord, may You get the glory!

Next week we will begin the recording of The Long October Road. This is an entire ‘work’ that comes straight from my heart. From deep within my heart. It is my journey through grief put into song. It will be raw, real, and true. Yet, it will also be uplifting, encouraging, and offer hope to others who walk this road called life.

My very favorite song is one called “My Beloved.” It is my heart sung to my husband. It is straight out of my journals. It is the story of a young widow grappling with her faith, the future that has been dealt her that she does not want, and the raw emotion of wondering where her beloved has gone. I leave you with part of the lyric of “My Beloved.”

Where are you, my beloved?
Do you realize just how much my heart is bleedin’?
Why did you, have to fly away?
And leave me here to pick up all of the pieces. . . .
Up here in the balcony
I’m listening to the choir sing
Don’t have it in me now to praise
So I’ll just put on my best face . . .

Honoring Chad, with love and Miah.

2008-10-13T00:24:00.008-04:00

Well, this week marked the one year anniversary of Chad going Home to be with our Lord. It was a difficult week, but was drenched in the peace and power of our sweet Abba. I have been praying for quite some time now how we should mark such a difficult day. It is not so much about what I would like, but rather, what will mean the most to my sweet children. He was their daddy. They are so young. How do you honor such tragedy . . . yet display to them the hope that we have through Christ?

My prayers were answered, as God so clearly showed me exactly how to spend October 7^th. In retrospect, I am very thankful that our day had structure from beginning to end. It really helped. We had lunch in our home for our closest family and friends (about 30) at 11:30. Just before lunch we each wrote Chad notes and attached them to balloons. Following lunch we had a time of dessert and our head pastor, Joel Stocker, and his wife, Donna, joined us for a time of ministry from the word. Pastor Joel is an amazing communicator, but more than that, he is a pray-er! He prayed about what he should share with our family, and it was just perfect.

He shared with us out of the Word that Chad’s passing was a result of a ‘finite body’s failure.’ We have grappled all year with the question, “who do you blame this on?” Did the enemy win? Did God ‘take him’ home? Somewhere in all of this IS God’s plan, but Chad died because his earthly body gave out on him. Period. Joel also shared with my children that in Hebrews 12 it tells us that we have a ‘great cloud of witnesses,’ and that their daddy is alive in Heaven and is part of that ‘great cloud.’ He told them that their daddy is the biggest cheerleader they could ever have, and to always ask the question, “what would my daddy be cheering me on to be and do?”

After the time of ministry, Pastor Joel and Donna left to be a part of the most exciting part of the day… we’ll get to that. The rest of us took the balloons and went to the cemetery. We had been informed by the police department that the headstone had been put in place on Monday . . . it was so exciting to finally see Chad honored in this beautiful piece of art. What a treat that it was there for our graveside celebration.

As a side note . . . I had not known what to expect from the police department. You know, Chad wasn’t their beloved . . . their husband or father. So, I didn’t know if they would remember. But, they did! And very beautifully! The night shift placed flowers on his grave at 1:11 a.m (that’s how they knew the stone had been delivered,) and at 1:11 in the afternoon they had a minute of silence over their radios. Chad’s badge # was 111. What a beautiful way to honor him. Thank you, Midland Police Department! Thank you! You touched us all. Thank you for remembering us! Thank you for the flowers, driving by his grave all day, and for honoring him! You are appreciated.

Well, back to the cemetery. . . it was a warm, sunny day. We took pictures at his grave, and took all the balloons out into the open space nearby to release them into the big, blue sky. One of the balloons got lost . . . how appropriate. . .as Chad got lost everywhere he went J!

Once back home, I gathered everyone in the living room and told the children that last year Pastor Joel brought them some very bad news (he was the one who told the kids that Chad had passed away,) and that this year I had asked Pastor Joel and Miss Donna to bring them some very good news! I told the kids that in Jeremiah 29:11 God promises us that He has good plans for us . . . plans to give us hope, and a future, and that this good news is a part of our hope and our future. Right then Joel and Donna came in with our new puppy cradled in their arms! My kids were absolutely speechless. Abbi’s eyes filled with tears and she said, “Mama, is this really for us . . . to keep?” Chad and I had always told them NO dogs! They are too much work! Well, as I prayed about October 7^th, I just knew that this was what was supposed to happen. My new friend, Marni, helped me with the search to find our sweet little girl, Miah, for JereMIAH 29:11. She is a chocolate brown Standard Poodle. She is very mild mannered and calm. She hasn’t mastered the art of “potty outside,” but is only 11 weeks old and I’ve been told they don’t figure the pottying out until around 16 weeks. Yikes . . That’s five more weeks of constant vigilance! Oh well, it is worth it to see the joy on my children’s faces! Little Miah was the perfect ending to the day! Thank you, Jesus, for your continued guidance as we walk out this life we have been given.

Good Morning All!

2008-09-22T10:29:00.000-04:00

This is Sarah. Just wanted to catch everyone up . . . I am amazed at all that happened last week. The Christmas song we recorded, "Christmas in Heaven" is a beautiful, anointed song that will minister to thousands of people! Getting the right vocals on the song was tough - but well worth the hours and hours it took. My producer, Paul, was really able to caress a new, more contemporary flavor out of my voice that I think you will all be excited about. We also wrote two great new songs. One of them is called "Not Today" and is a very fun, tap-your-foot, dance-along-with-it song. The other is a great new worship song called "Open." We worked ALL night last Wednesday (the day I did the radio interview at AFR and drove from Tupelo back to Nashville . . . I was exhausted when Paul looked at me around 10 p.m. and said, "Hey, what do you think about this tune . . .?" We then stayed up until 5 a.m. writing this song. It will be an incredible part of worship for many down the road!

There is so much to look forward to ~ I am singing at a Mary Kay event tonight, will be out in Coleman, MI next week, will speak for the Red Hat State Convention in a few weeks and am most excited about the 1st annual Chad Schieber Memorial Run on October 18th (you can walk it, too :-) I am beginning the 'book writing' process, and the CD is completely written and now we begin the 'fun' part . . . the music! All of that, and yet the loneliness of grief is still so profound. I miss my beloved so very, very deeply. October brings with it the last of our 'firsts.' It will be the anniversary of Chad's passing. Will you please pray that we will know the perfect way to mark this day?

I am sure that wherever you are in your life today, that you have pain and that you understand that common thread of loneliness that accompanies pain. Please be encouraged. Our precious Heavenly Father will not leave you alone in your pain. He promises to be 'near to the brokenhearted.' He is so good, and so faithful. Psalm 62 says that we are to wait quietly before Him. He ALONE is our rock - a fortress where we WILL NOT be shaken! Steel away with God today, my friend. Let His sweet Holy Spirit minister to your pain today. Be still and know that HE IS GOD!

Building 429!!!

2008-09-18T18:05:00.003-04:00

We were just about to leave the AFR station when we saw Jason Roy and Jesse Garcia of Building 429 going into the studio with Dave. We both love their music, so it was great to meet them and get a cool picture of the two guys with Sarah. They have hearts for Jesus, and were fun to talk to!

This is definitely one of the best parts of being in Christian music...the other people in this business are talented, interesting and really out there serving Him.

The Wonderful American Family Radio Family

2008-09-18T17:22:00.004-04:00

What a great group of people! Everyone we met and spent time with at the home office of American Family Radio was so nice and so warm...they truly live the conviction of their hearts as Christians. Sarah is in this picture with Jim Stanley, on left, and then David Brock and Rick Robertson.

Our day started with lunch with a group of the on-air people and other staff, at a delicious restaurant in Tupelo called "Peppers." We then went back to the station where Sarah did an interview with David Brock...pictured in the studio below.

Sarah then had the opportunity to share her testimony with many members of the staff of AFR. The Lord really had the glory in that room, and we made a bunch of new friends as we met with people afterward.

All in all, it was a wonderful day with wonderful people, who really serve HIM in all they do!
Thank you to all the AFR folks for making us feel so welcome...southern hospitality at its best!

Fun Pix from Natchez Trace

2008-09-18T16:42:00.004-04:00

We had a super trip down to Tupelo...a stop at Starbucks, a lazy wind through northern Alabama, and then a lovely drive down the Natchez Trace Trail, which is like driving through a park, but for many, many miles...we took these wonderful sunflower pictures there, laughing and free....

Later, we listened to some of the new songs, which made me (Krystn) cry....the songs are very intelligent and authentic. Some are sad, some are hopeful, all are honest.

We had a wonderful dinner with Jim Stanley, from AFR, and his warm and friendly wife, Collette. They are super nice people and we enjoyed our time with them very much.

Check back for the update on our day with the wonderful people from American Family Radio!

Road Trip to Tupelo!

2008-09-16T14:53:00.000-04:00

Today, before I even got back with our morning(noon) coffee...Paul and Sarah had written most of an upbeat song...as Sarah said, it is amazing that something exists that was not here before! These two are very creative and it is lots of fun to watch them work.

We were in the studio until well past one am today....nightowls! The song is sounding great and is so perfect for Sarah....here are some of the lyrics...

December hasn't changed
This town looks the same
They still light the tree in the city square
There's red,white and green shining everywhere
And I wish you were here.

This afternoon Sarah and I leave for Tupelo, Mississippi, where we will be guests at the home offices of American Family Radio, one of the stations that is playing "Show Us Your Glory."
We are so excited to be part of that musical family! We will get to meet the folks there for lunch tomorrow, and then she will be interviewed by David Brock for his afternoon show, heard by many, many people each day! What a blessing and opportunity for Sarah to share her testimony. Please pray for journeying mercies, and for the Lord to do His wondrous will through her interview tomorrow...

Stay tuned and I will let you know what is going on!!

love,
Krystn

What does a producer do?

2008-09-15T21:50:00.000-04:00

A producer is a coach, a mentor, a teacher, a facilitator, a joker, and the leader through the myriad levels of the work of making a new song or album...or, that is what Paul does.

Paul is all of the above and more! He and Sarah have been pouring over her journals, and Chad's journals, to find the essential kernels of the emotions that will grow up to be the new songs.

They have been staying up late at night, during Sarah's other trips down here, to write songs that reflect the journey that Sarah has been on...to capture it in music. I was privileged to hear some of their songs today and all I can say is...WOW!!! You are all going to love what you hear!

In the picture above, you can see Paul in front of his computers and sound engineering system. With this amazing program and his expertise, he can lay down the tracks, add instrumentation, tune the vocals, "comp" the pieces of the vocals that sound the best...he builds the song and the sound. With Sarah, he gives her an idea of the place he wants to sound to come from in her voice, and he helps her to interpret the music. He keeps her focused and he asks her for the best that she can give at all times.

He also tells really corny jokes, loves to go out for yummy food to keep us all going, and puts up with our Starbucks addiction.

When you hear the songs they are working on, you will hear the genius that is Paul in there, making the music sparkle and shine!

We also get to hang out with his lovely wife Karolyne and his three great kids, and the dogs and hamsters that are part of his family.

We are filled with thanksgiving and gratitude that the Lord has brought him into our lives!

We Are in Nashville, Recording!

2008-09-15T14:20:00.000-04:00

Hi, everyone...this is Krystn, Sarah's sister....I will be making frequent appearances in her blog, as I live her life along with her, and I work for her. Sometimes the voice you hear here will be mine.

This is a very exciting week for us...we have flown to Nashville (through the very windy skies post-Hurricane Ike) to record a very special song called, "Christmas in Heaven."

We first heard the song last April, when we were here for Gospel Music Association Week. We had just met Paul Marino, of the group River, who has now become Sarah's producer...we visited him at his home studio, and he played us the song. We both just sat spellbound on the couch and wept. The song talks to someone up in heaven and asks the questions we all have about what it is like...and, of course, who more than Sarah should sing a song like that? The writers were hoping to have a big country star sing the song...

God however had a different idea...and by August, Sarah was blessed to have the opportunity to record this song, and to put it out to radio for the Christmas season.

So, right now we are in Paul's studio, and he is leading her through the process of recording. It is very tedious and exacting...there are lots of repeats of each phrase and he gives her the ideas he has for making the song sound its best. She sings each part of the song over and over and tries to get it exactly right.

She is in the soundproof room and he sits just outside at his control computer area. Even thought they have been working together for many weeks now, writing songs for her new project, this is the first time they have recorded a song together, and so they have to talk through what each phrase should sound like. Paul is one of the writers of the song, plus he is an amazing producer. He knows exactly how to bring the best out of his artists.

Please, if you are reading this, you are someone who loves Sarah and will pray for her. Will you please take a moment and pray that His anointing will be on them both today and tomorrow as they work on this song?

More later...there is much more happening here this week, so check back in with us often. We would so love to read your comment on our blog!

Welcome to my new BLOG!

2008-09-07T21:35:00.000-04:00

Thanks so much for stopping by! This blog is a new venture for me, and I hope it will be a great way to keep in touch. There is a lot of amazing grace coming my way, and I want to give God the glory...He has faithfully led me through the hardest year of my life.

This blog will keep you updated on the triumphs and the tears, and will be a way for me to share with all of you the news about my career, my kids, my life!

Many of you know the story...last October, while running with me in the Chicago Marathon, my beloved husband Chad collapsed and died. I still sometimes cannot believe that...how can that have happened, and how can this be my life? We were sooooo happy...we had such a great marriage...and we were enjoying a season of true goodness in our lives.

And, then, the unthinkable happened...and the kids and I have HAD to go on, even when we did not know how to...even when we did not want to.

Just before Chad died, I had released my first solo album. We had worked so hard for it, on it and with it...and we were so delighted by it. It was to be the foundation of our marriage ministry. Well, that ministry ended when my husband died...BUT, in the Lord's own mysterious way, He has opened up a whole new ministry for me, and is setting the path before me to sing and speak for him in a whole new way, with a whole new message.

The next few posts of this blog will bring you up to date on what is going on now with my ministry. Stay tuned for some truly amazing graces...and some wonderful pictures as we journey through!

Welcome to my blog!