I recently heard a comment that literally made me sick! I heard about a wife who told her husband to do his own laundry because she does enough for herself and their three kids. I, honestly, was stunned and heart- broken for that dear husband and truly could not believe that a wife would do such a thing. I would say that I am sorry if I am stepping on your toes – but I’m not. And – if I’m stepping on your toes, then GOOD! Listen up!
You know, I grew up in a Christian home. I also grew up in a broken home. I didn’t know what a godly marriage should look like. Neither did Chad. I shared with the ladies out in Virginia last weekend that I actually think that was a blessing. Because neither of us knew what it should look like, we set out to be purposeful about figuring it out. We worked VERY hard to learn about what God wanted for our marriage and what it should look like from His perspective.
I certainly had no idea what God’s purpose for marriage is. Guess what I thought it was? To have sex! Yep! There you have it! I thought that the purpose of marriage was to have sex! Fortunately, I was set straight along the way!
There is a book that literally changed my life. It changed who I was as a Christian woman, who I was as a wife, and in turn – it transformed our marriage. The book is called, “The Excellent Wife,” by Martha Peace. In this book I learned that God’s ultimate goal for marriage is that we operate in such oneness as a couple (unity) that we become a magnet for unbelievers. Let me put it simply . . . .by loving one another with Christ-like love we make God look awesome to the ‘world’ and they want what we have! It sounds simple . . . but we all know if it was, there would be no divorce.
What sickened me about this wife’s comment was the brazen selfishness behind it. Any marriage being driven by that type of attitude is destined to fail, and indeed, that one did. When we love one another as Christ loves us it must be a completely selfless love.
We must train ourselves not to ask the questions “what can I get out of this?” or “what is my spouse doing for me?” And begin to ask questions like “how can I serve my spouse today?” and “what can I do to fill him/her up today?” Unfortunately, we live in a world where we are bombarded with selfishness! Becoming selfless is NOT easy! Everywhere we turn there are messages “Have it your way,” “your way right away,” “If it feels good, do it.” EVERYWHERE we turn we are taught to be selfish. That is why in 1 Timothy 4:7 the word teaches us to, “discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness.” The New Testament Greek word for discipline is gymnazo which means “to exercise or to train.” Martha Peace writes that, “how godly we become depends on how hard we work at it. Old habits of sinful thoughts and RESPNONSES do not just disappear. They have to be replaced with new, godly ways of thinking and responding.”
My friends, some day – when I have finished the book, “The Long October Road,” I will write a book about marriage. Chad and I studied, IN DEPTH, a concept that Martha Peace introduces in the book. This concept is that the Trinity is the perfect model of marriage. You see, the Trinity is three separate entities working in perfect unity. A marriage should have God the Father as the head of the marriage, the Husband as Christ – who SERVES the church and therefore glorifies God, and the wife as the Holy Spirit who SERVES Christ and the Father and therefore glorifies God.
Our world has completely lied to us about the roles within marriage. We emasculate men. Men are commanded in the Bible to be the head of the home as Christ is the head of the church. If you cut an animal’s head off . . . what will happen? The body will die! My friends – if we don’t let men be men – let them be the head . . . the body (family) will die! Men! You are to be the cornerstone and foundation of your home by keeping your relationship with Christ in line! In that same breath – men are commanded to be a head as Christ is a head . . . Christ did not lead by power . . . he led by being a servant! The biggest servant in EVERY home should be the husband/father. Serve God, serve your wife, serve your kids . . . everything else will fall in line. There is no place for ‘self’ in a godly husband.
One of the most beautiful things about a godly husband – and one of the things that I missed most after Chad died – is that in Ephesians 5:28, husbands are commanded to “Nourish, protect, and cherish her as Christ does the Church.” Nourish means to bring your wife up to maturity – literally, the husband is to help his wife grow in Christ. Cherish means to keep warm, cherish with tender love and to foster with tender care. A biblical example is that husbands are commanded to cherish their wives as a piece of ‘fine china.’ Wow! What if every husband REALLY cherished their wives like that? A husband is to be a ‘covering’ over his wife – spiritually and physically – and THAT, my friends, is what I found to be so hard after Chad died was to not have his spiritual and physical covering!
Not only do we emasculate men, but we teach women to be LIKE men and to take the power and that submission is a bad thing – a sign of weakness! BULL! Let me set you straight, sisters! Submission, in a godly marriage, is actually a position of strength and respect! In Genesis 2:18 God says that Adam’s “aloneness” is not good – so He makes for Him a “helper suitable.” The Hebrew word “helper” there literally means “help, helper, STAFF, STRENGTH.” It is the same meaning as in Exodus 18:4 “my father’s God was my helper.” And Deuteronomy 33:29, “He is your shield and helper and your glorious sword.” See, as young women we have somehow been fed the lie – that it is in some way a bad thing – a sign of weakness – to be our husband’s “helper.” When, in reality – it is a sign of strength. We need to take that back - to claim our Godly inheritance as our husband‘s staff and strength!!!!
Now, let me caution you, ladies, that this is a big responsibility and NOT to be taken lightly! It does NOT mean that we manipulate our husbands to do what WE want. It means that just as the Holy Spirit is a ‘counselor’ and ‘guide’ AND ‘intercedes on our behalf,’ so we have a responsibility to give wise and godly counsel to our husbands AND to be the absolute best wife we can be and serve him by praying for him! Truly – praying for your husband is the greatest calling and honor of a wife! Some of the characteristics of the Holy Spirit in Scripture are ~ encourager, He warns (husbands – listen to your wives!), He speaks the truth, He is a counselor, and He is a teacher. This is a beautiful description of a wife!
So, my friends, now go back to the beginning of this lecture (sorry!) . . . . a wife who tells her husband to do his own laundry because she does enough with her and the kids! Self, self, and MORE SELF!!!!!! It should be an honor for a wife to do her husband’s laundry – even if she HATES doing laundry.
Guess what? I bet Jesus hated dying on the cross for my sins but He did it willingly! That, my friends is the perfect example of how we should serve one another in marriage!
Friday, March 13, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
We’re moving!
Up. . . .that is! :-)
As I write this morning, I am sitting next to a marble fireplace in the Marriot Hotel in Williamsburg, Virginia. I am here to speak, sing, and help lead worship at a huge women’s retreat called Discover the Joy. They have over 500 women registered, who will all begin arriving today. My dear friends in ministry, Paula Stitt (who wrote many of the songs on my Gratitude CD) and Lisa Beals, are here with me. We did this same conference a few years ago. The keynote speaker is Evelyn Husband. Evelyn’s husband was the captain of the shuttle that disintegrated upon reentry into our atmosphere. Little could I have known when we first met Evelyn as a new widow, that soon her story would be mine, as well. It is amazing what time reveals, isn’t it?
I am so excited to share with you ALL that is happening on the music front! The Long October Road album is very near completion! We will release the first song, called “Run,” to radio in just a couple of weeks. My radio promoter, Wendell Gafford, of Creative Promotions, fully expects “Run” to chart in the top ten on the national Christian charts . . . will you be bold with me and ask God to put “Run” at number one!!!!!???????
We will “Officially Release” the album on May 29th at Christian Celebration Center in Midland, Michigan. That is my home church. The concert will be sponsored by Family Life Radio and will be free to the public. I really want to ‘give’ this concert to my home community as a thank you for all of their love and support over the past 17 months. If you live anywhere nearby – PLEASE plan to attend! It will be a wonderful celebration of God’s faithfulness . . . plus, there might just be some GREAT music!!!!!
May I be blunt? This new album, The Long October Road, is amazing! The people in the ‘know’ in the music industry are blown away by it. They are amazed by the transparency of it. The songs are deep and true to what I have been through – yet the album as a whole has an uplifting feel. Wendell said he has not heard an album this good in YEARS (and he is NOT one to ‘fluff’ a !!!!! I am truly, truly SO thankful to the Lord for His faithfulness in this. My goal as we started writing the album last August was to accurately portray - and remain true to the transparency of our grief journey – but not end up with a depressing album. I wanted to have songs that radio would ‘eat up,’ but also have songs that remain true to who I am as an artist. This album is a beautiful blend of the two – and for that I am SO thankful.
The month of May will be a HUGE month. I think I have about seven appearances (concerts and/or speaking) scheduled – one of which is in Colorado – and all building up to the release on the 29th. As you can see, my schedule is filling up quickly. If you are interested in a concert, or in having me speak, please contact me through my website, www.sarahschieber.com and I will forward your info to my booking agent.
One thing that I am WILDLY excited about is that I have been invited to speak and sing in San Diego, California in July, for the 1st Annual National Conference on Widowhood! Wow! I am so excited. They are expecting 2,000 widows from all across the world, gathering to support, uplift, and love one another. This isn’t an event marked by grieving. The goal of the conference is to give hope and encouragement to widows in every stage of their widow’s walk. I can already tell that this is going to be a wonderful weekend. If you are a widow, or know one, please pass this information along. I will soon have a link up on my website to their site with all of the info about the conference!
Also, I have just been invited to speak and sing in Texas in September . . . at Chuck Swindoll’s church! Holy moly!!!!!!! Chuck Swindoll! It is for a Mom2mom women’s event. I hope to be able to plan a ‘Texas Tour’ around that booking – so if you are reading this and live in Texas – I would love to come sing at your church – please get in touch with me.
So, what has been, for years, a local ministry, is now becoming national. It is very exciting to sit back and watch God at work. It is very exciting to sit back and watch it grow.
There is no end to the work involved right now. My mind never stops ‘noodle-ing’ all of this (a term Chad and I penned after reading the book, “Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti.”) We are launching a whole new, fully comprehensive website very soon. It will still be the same web address – just a whole new look. We are working on a promo video that will be available to watch through my website that will tell people all about my ministry. We continue to work on the design (please pray for my graphic designer, Michael Buckingham of Holy Cow Creative) of the CD cover and layout of the inside of the CD. AND – I continue to write the book. It both blesses me AND stresses me . . . but I really believe that STRESS IS HIGHLY OVERRATED (right Marni?) . . . .so, I choose to live in the blessing of writing the book!
Wendell Gafford, my radio promoter, has come on board as my manager and ministry consultant! This is absolutely wonderful and amazing! His specialty is in marketing and he is deeply steeped in the music industry. His contacts and knowledge of the industry are such a blessing to me and my ministry. I am so grateful for the opportunity to work with Wendell.
Two of my very best friends, Collette and Marni, have also come on board to tag team my booking and to work together to keep me moving forward. You have to know that I am COMPLETELY the flighty musician! I am very good at being on stage and all of the ‘artistic’ work of writing and singing. I am TERRIBLE, however, at the business end. Just tell me where to go and what I need to do. In fact, to be quite honest, I had NO idea where I was going this weekend until my sister-in-law told me on Wednesday, the day before I left, that I was going to Williamsburg. I knew I was going to Virginia – and that was good enough for me. I had NO idea where in Virginia! Isn’t that funny? That is just how I am wired. All of the business details and the details of maintaining the technical end of this ministry (MySpace, Facebook, blogging, etc . . . ) absolutely make me want to go curl up in my bed in the fetal position!
So, I am very thankful to have a wonderful team of people surrounding me who keep me moving forward AND to help me cast vision for the future. One thing is clear, my friends, the future of Sarah Schieber, Inc. is very bright. I am very excited about the doors that God is opening. Perhaps sometime next week I will talk to you all about what my message is. I feel that I have a very strong and distinct message to tell the world! I would love to share it with you!
And, in ending this blog, just let me tell you that Practice is wonderful. Practice gets better and better every day. I am truly in awe of God. I had the very best for 15 years of my life. I never thought I would have it again, and now, here is Practice. The very best . . . again. God must really love me, and for that I am grateful beyond words!
Blessings All! Thanks for reading my blog!
As I write this morning, I am sitting next to a marble fireplace in the Marriot Hotel in Williamsburg, Virginia. I am here to speak, sing, and help lead worship at a huge women’s retreat called Discover the Joy. They have over 500 women registered, who will all begin arriving today. My dear friends in ministry, Paula Stitt (who wrote many of the songs on my Gratitude CD) and Lisa Beals, are here with me. We did this same conference a few years ago. The keynote speaker is Evelyn Husband. Evelyn’s husband was the captain of the shuttle that disintegrated upon reentry into our atmosphere. Little could I have known when we first met Evelyn as a new widow, that soon her story would be mine, as well. It is amazing what time reveals, isn’t it?
I am so excited to share with you ALL that is happening on the music front! The Long October Road album is very near completion! We will release the first song, called “Run,” to radio in just a couple of weeks. My radio promoter, Wendell Gafford, of Creative Promotions, fully expects “Run” to chart in the top ten on the national Christian charts . . . will you be bold with me and ask God to put “Run” at number one!!!!!???????
We will “Officially Release” the album on May 29th at Christian Celebration Center in Midland, Michigan. That is my home church. The concert will be sponsored by Family Life Radio and will be free to the public. I really want to ‘give’ this concert to my home community as a thank you for all of their love and support over the past 17 months. If you live anywhere nearby – PLEASE plan to attend! It will be a wonderful celebration of God’s faithfulness . . . plus, there might just be some GREAT music!!!!!
May I be blunt? This new album, The Long October Road, is amazing! The people in the ‘know’ in the music industry are blown away by it. They are amazed by the transparency of it. The songs are deep and true to what I have been through – yet the album as a whole has an uplifting feel. Wendell said he has not heard an album this good in YEARS (and he is NOT one to ‘fluff’ a !!!!! I am truly, truly SO thankful to the Lord for His faithfulness in this. My goal as we started writing the album last August was to accurately portray - and remain true to the transparency of our grief journey – but not end up with a depressing album. I wanted to have songs that radio would ‘eat up,’ but also have songs that remain true to who I am as an artist. This album is a beautiful blend of the two – and for that I am SO thankful.
The month of May will be a HUGE month. I think I have about seven appearances (concerts and/or speaking) scheduled – one of which is in Colorado – and all building up to the release on the 29th. As you can see, my schedule is filling up quickly. If you are interested in a concert, or in having me speak, please contact me through my website, www.sarahschieber.com and I will forward your info to my booking agent.
One thing that I am WILDLY excited about is that I have been invited to speak and sing in San Diego, California in July, for the 1st Annual National Conference on Widowhood! Wow! I am so excited. They are expecting 2,000 widows from all across the world, gathering to support, uplift, and love one another. This isn’t an event marked by grieving. The goal of the conference is to give hope and encouragement to widows in every stage of their widow’s walk. I can already tell that this is going to be a wonderful weekend. If you are a widow, or know one, please pass this information along. I will soon have a link up on my website to their site with all of the info about the conference!
Also, I have just been invited to speak and sing in Texas in September . . . at Chuck Swindoll’s church! Holy moly!!!!!!! Chuck Swindoll! It is for a Mom2mom women’s event. I hope to be able to plan a ‘Texas Tour’ around that booking – so if you are reading this and live in Texas – I would love to come sing at your church – please get in touch with me.
So, what has been, for years, a local ministry, is now becoming national. It is very exciting to sit back and watch God at work. It is very exciting to sit back and watch it grow.
There is no end to the work involved right now. My mind never stops ‘noodle-ing’ all of this (a term Chad and I penned after reading the book, “Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti.”) We are launching a whole new, fully comprehensive website very soon. It will still be the same web address – just a whole new look. We are working on a promo video that will be available to watch through my website that will tell people all about my ministry. We continue to work on the design (please pray for my graphic designer, Michael Buckingham of Holy Cow Creative) of the CD cover and layout of the inside of the CD. AND – I continue to write the book. It both blesses me AND stresses me . . . but I really believe that STRESS IS HIGHLY OVERRATED (right Marni?) . . . .so, I choose to live in the blessing of writing the book!
Wendell Gafford, my radio promoter, has come on board as my manager and ministry consultant! This is absolutely wonderful and amazing! His specialty is in marketing and he is deeply steeped in the music industry. His contacts and knowledge of the industry are such a blessing to me and my ministry. I am so grateful for the opportunity to work with Wendell.
Two of my very best friends, Collette and Marni, have also come on board to tag team my booking and to work together to keep me moving forward. You have to know that I am COMPLETELY the flighty musician! I am very good at being on stage and all of the ‘artistic’ work of writing and singing. I am TERRIBLE, however, at the business end. Just tell me where to go and what I need to do. In fact, to be quite honest, I had NO idea where I was going this weekend until my sister-in-law told me on Wednesday, the day before I left, that I was going to Williamsburg. I knew I was going to Virginia – and that was good enough for me. I had NO idea where in Virginia! Isn’t that funny? That is just how I am wired. All of the business details and the details of maintaining the technical end of this ministry (MySpace, Facebook, blogging, etc . . . ) absolutely make me want to go curl up in my bed in the fetal position!
So, I am very thankful to have a wonderful team of people surrounding me who keep me moving forward AND to help me cast vision for the future. One thing is clear, my friends, the future of Sarah Schieber, Inc. is very bright. I am very excited about the doors that God is opening. Perhaps sometime next week I will talk to you all about what my message is. I feel that I have a very strong and distinct message to tell the world! I would love to share it with you!
And, in ending this blog, just let me tell you that Practice is wonderful. Practice gets better and better every day. I am truly in awe of God. I had the very best for 15 years of my life. I never thought I would have it again, and now, here is Practice. The very best . . . again. God must really love me, and for that I am grateful beyond words!
Blessings All! Thanks for reading my blog!
Sunday, March 1, 2009
His Daddy's Voice
Well, My Friends! I began a blog about three days ago about ALL the wonderful things that are happening on the music front these days . . . that blog remains partly written for another day. . . perhaps tomorrow or the next day. There are SO many wonderful new developments on the music front that I can’t wait to tell you about!
Tonight,though, I need to share with you something that just happened. We have had a wonderful weekend. Yesterday we spent all day out at the farm (Practice’s house.) His son turned seven and we had a birthday party and we got to meet the ENTIRE family. It was fun and wonderful and very enjoyable.
Today Abbi had a swim meet and Practice and his kids came. Again, we had a wonderful time and it is fun to see these kids bonding. It is also wonderful to continue to grow in friendship with Practice. He is a wonderful man. Each day that we spend together and each of the ‘everyday life’ situations that we face just continue to confirm to us that we are very well matched.
Tonight, though, my kids and I needed to discuss something that had happened earlier in the day. There was a little miscommunication between Micah and Practice and we needed to discuss the matter. As Abbi, Noah, Micah and I sat talking, I brought up Practice’s voice. It is deep and strong and to be very honest, I prayed for a man with a nice voice (it was on the ‘list’) and I got it! I love his voice! But it is different than Chad’s voice, and therefore is different than we are used to.
As we were talking I said, “Jim’s voice is different than Daddy’s voice, isn’t it?” To which my dear, sweet, eight-year-old Micah said, “I don’t remember Daddy’s voice.”
“What? You don’t remember Daddy’s voice?” Oh my! Stunned! Oh, my baby! I think somewhere deep inside of me I knew this day would come . . . I have thought from time to time that I should get out our family videos and we should watch them . . . but, honestly, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I knew that, of all three of my kids, Micah would be the one that we would have to work the hardest with to keep his Daddy’s memory alive. He was only six when Chad died. I have felt that I have a responsibility to Micah to keep Chad’s memory alive for him - to really work at it – and while we talk about Chad ALL the time - clearly that is not enough. This poor baby doesn’t remember his daddy’s voice. Oh, Jesus, please help us!
And so, right there, we all began crying. I grabbed Micah and pulled him into me. I was just weeping and telling him how sorry I was. I grabbed my cell phone and told Abbi not to answer her's and I called it and put it up to Micah’s ear . . . so he could hear the message that answers Abbi’s phone (which used to be Chad’s number) and for the first time in almost 17 months Micah heard his daddy’s voice as Chad’s message said, “This is Chad Schieber from Lifeshield Child Safety Products. Sorry I can’t take your call right now but if you’ll leave your name, number, and a brief message I’ll get back with you just as soon as I can. Thank you.” I played it over and over for him as we sat there crying together.
How in the world could I have missed this? How could I not have thought about this? How many times have we all been taken aback when we've called Abbi only to hear Chad’s voice on the other end? How many times has my dear sister-in-law Missy told me that she had once again called Abbi and gotten Chad’s message and wound up bawling? How could I not have thought about this precious baby who has not heard his Daddy’s voice in SEVENTEEN months!
Oh, my God! Please be with little Micah. Lord, please help this baby to remember his daddy. Please cement every memory of Chad that lives within this little boy! Keep them clear and vivid, Lord. Please work a miracle within Micah’s little memory.
Rest assured that in the next couple weeks I WILL be figuring out how to play all those old family videos. I promised that little boy that I will figure out how to make all those little black 8mm tapes work on our TV and that we will watch lots of videos of his Daddy!
Tonight,though, I need to share with you something that just happened. We have had a wonderful weekend. Yesterday we spent all day out at the farm (Practice’s house.) His son turned seven and we had a birthday party and we got to meet the ENTIRE family. It was fun and wonderful and very enjoyable.
Today Abbi had a swim meet and Practice and his kids came. Again, we had a wonderful time and it is fun to see these kids bonding. It is also wonderful to continue to grow in friendship with Practice. He is a wonderful man. Each day that we spend together and each of the ‘everyday life’ situations that we face just continue to confirm to us that we are very well matched.
Tonight, though, my kids and I needed to discuss something that had happened earlier in the day. There was a little miscommunication between Micah and Practice and we needed to discuss the matter. As Abbi, Noah, Micah and I sat talking, I brought up Practice’s voice. It is deep and strong and to be very honest, I prayed for a man with a nice voice (it was on the ‘list’) and I got it! I love his voice! But it is different than Chad’s voice, and therefore is different than we are used to.
As we were talking I said, “Jim’s voice is different than Daddy’s voice, isn’t it?” To which my dear, sweet, eight-year-old Micah said, “I don’t remember Daddy’s voice.”
“What? You don’t remember Daddy’s voice?” Oh my! Stunned! Oh, my baby! I think somewhere deep inside of me I knew this day would come . . . I have thought from time to time that I should get out our family videos and we should watch them . . . but, honestly, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I knew that, of all three of my kids, Micah would be the one that we would have to work the hardest with to keep his Daddy’s memory alive. He was only six when Chad died. I have felt that I have a responsibility to Micah to keep Chad’s memory alive for him - to really work at it – and while we talk about Chad ALL the time - clearly that is not enough. This poor baby doesn’t remember his daddy’s voice. Oh, Jesus, please help us!
And so, right there, we all began crying. I grabbed Micah and pulled him into me. I was just weeping and telling him how sorry I was. I grabbed my cell phone and told Abbi not to answer her's and I called it and put it up to Micah’s ear . . . so he could hear the message that answers Abbi’s phone (which used to be Chad’s number) and for the first time in almost 17 months Micah heard his daddy’s voice as Chad’s message said, “This is Chad Schieber from Lifeshield Child Safety Products. Sorry I can’t take your call right now but if you’ll leave your name, number, and a brief message I’ll get back with you just as soon as I can. Thank you.” I played it over and over for him as we sat there crying together.
How in the world could I have missed this? How could I not have thought about this? How many times have we all been taken aback when we've called Abbi only to hear Chad’s voice on the other end? How many times has my dear sister-in-law Missy told me that she had once again called Abbi and gotten Chad’s message and wound up bawling? How could I not have thought about this precious baby who has not heard his Daddy’s voice in SEVENTEEN months!
Oh, my God! Please be with little Micah. Lord, please help this baby to remember his daddy. Please cement every memory of Chad that lives within this little boy! Keep them clear and vivid, Lord. Please work a miracle within Micah’s little memory.
Rest assured that in the next couple weeks I WILL be figuring out how to play all those old family videos. I promised that little boy that I will figure out how to make all those little black 8mm tapes work on our TV and that we will watch lots of videos of his Daddy!
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Valentines Times Two
Will there ever be an end to the confusion of grief?
Today I awoke to a wonderful text from a wonderful man asking me to be his Valentine? I slept last night in this man's sweatshirt that smells like him, and every time I woke up I would thank God for sending me Practice (a name I will explain in a bit.)
I texted him back and replied that I will be his Valentine for always and forever and then . . . the tears began to stream . . . a trickle at first and then the dam broke! Cry and cry and cry! And then I remembered that last year I took a rose out to the grave and that this year I should probably do that, too. More tears!
I really thought this Valentine's Day would be filled with all joy. You see, I am just so thankful to our sweet Lord for His grace and kindness in bringing the kids and I Practice. Last Valentine's Day - my first without Chad and in the darkest days of my grief (four months after Chad's death) - was HORRIBLE!!!!! Absolutely terrible. Add insult to injury, I was working at a flower shop and was filling out cards to 'lovebirds' all day (PUKE!)
So, as the anticipation of this holiday has approached, it has not been with fear and trembling . . . but with gratefulness in my heart to God, and Practice. You see, I was not expecting this. In fact, I wasn't looking for it and I wasn't even sure I wanted it. I knew that to fall in love again would mean having to trust that my heart would not be ripped in two again. I had gotten myself to a place in the grieving process where I knew I was o.k. as ME. I didn't NEED anyone. The kids and I were operating in our 'new normal' (again, PUKE!) and I wasn't sure I wanted to put my heart out there knowing that if I fall in love again there are no guarantees that he won't die too. In fact, (I'm sure you are all smiling!) the guarantee is just the opposite . . . yep! At some point this one will die, too!
Then a friend asked me if I would be willing to try a blind date. Sure. Why not. I needed some practice if I was going to get back out there. I thought having someone to go to dinner with, or chat with at the end of the day, or go to a movie with would be fun.
Enter ‘Practice.’ (His real name is Jim, by the way.) He lives about 35 minutes from me and is a farmer. I know, I know . . . we ALL thought I would find some metro-sexual musician from Nashville, didn’t we? He is divorced (a biblical divorce on his end, for those of you already beginning to look down the end of your noses) with three children. Well, I had already informed the Lord (not long after Chad died) that I did NOT want a divorced man with three kids! Too much baggage! (Like I don’t come with an entire entourage of baggage . . . nice, Sarah!) And a farmer? They still have those these days! Yes, I can be a real, stuck-up snot sometimes. My pastor looked at me before this date and said, “Sarah! Farmers are wonderful people and they are VERY smart.” (He was right!)
So, I truly went on that first date just for practice. What I was NOT expecting was to fall in love.
Let’s be real now, folks. The first thing I noticed about Practice were his looks. (Maybe I should just leave it at that and let you figure out if they were good or bad . . . Nah!) I had certainly never been on a blind date and truly the most nerve wracking part of it was having NO idea what he looked like. Of course, there are pictures of me everywhere . . . so Practice knew what he was getting when he called to ask me out. He told me that he is bald and a mutual friend had informed me that he ‘wears it well.’ I had NO idea what to expect. Well, let me just tell you . . . he wears it VERY well. Practice is VERY good looking AND, this is girl talk now . . . guess what? When he took his coat off at dinner he had a short sleeve shirt on and guess what was under those short sleeves? VERY nice biceps :-) Well, I noticed those RIGHT off but tried hard not to let on.
And then this wonderful thing happened . . . we started to talk. We talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and haven’t stopped since. Some nights we talk on the phone for three or four hours. We are both exhausted because with six kids between us and two full-time jobs the only time to talk is late at night. A sacrifice I am willing to make :-).
The truth is . . . that not long after we started dating I began to realize that Practice had all of the qualities that I had been praying for since Chad died. Honestly, and I do mean honestly . . . I did not think I would ever find them again. Not all in one package. I thought I would have to compromise. I had had the very best already, and I was not willing to compromise, so I just figured I would be alone.
This week, as I was working on writing the book, I was reading through my journals. In December of 2007, just about eight weeks after Chad died I cried out to Chad in my despair and asked him to please send us someone who would love us. Someone who would love the WHOLE package . . . me, the kids, the ministry, AND our memories of Chad. Then I made a list and asked Chad to work with God to find this man. Practice has EVERY thing on the list! God is truly amazing!
On our first date, Practice looked at me during those hours and hours of talking and said, “I want you to know if we continue to date, that I understand that a part of your heart will always belong to Chad and that I will never try to change that or take that away.” I know that I began to fall in love with him right then and there.
He is kind and loving and wise and smart (yes, there is a difference between wise and smart!) He is a very good daddy and has wisdom in how he handles his babies and all that they have been through. He loves God and loves Christian music . . . especially this local girl from Midland now, I guess :-). And, have I mentioned the biceps?
Here we go, now. Here is me, being transparent with you . . . I was NOT prepared for how hard this would be! Practice has put a beaming, happy smile back in some deep, dark places. Places that I didn’t know if I would ever feel life in again. But the truth is . . . everyone says ‘just have fun.’ Well, that’s great when you are 17 or 20. That is when most people date, you know. A large part of those reading this blog probably dated when they were young and hopefully, will never have to date again. Well, let me tell you . . . this is NOT fun! You see, I am a wife. It is very deeply who I am. I was a good wife, a great one, maybe, and I loved every minute of it. I know how to do it! To now have to go back and be a girlfriend is both frustrating and painful. You see, I know what it is to lie in a man’s arms all night long. To be held and caressed and snuggled so close. And now, night after night we must say goodbye and leave one another’s arms. That hurts.
One of the most fascinating parts of all of this is that I am finding that the ‘wife’ parts of me that died the day Chad died are coming back to life. I want to cook for him and clean his house and help him plan birthday parties and . . . I want to pray and pray and pray for him (the MOST important role of a wife, by the way.) It is clear to me . . . and perhaps a discussion for a different blog . . . that there IS a distinction between wife and mother. While they may go hand in hand, they are two VERY different roles.
Oh, don’t get me wrong . . . it is fun! Today we get to spend the entire day together and I absolutely cannot wait! All EIGHT of us. The six kids and Jim and I. (His kids are wonderful, by the way.) How wonderful! The kids adore one another. We continue to pray that God will lead and guide and direct us and that He will continue to confirm all of this through these precious children . . . and He does.
But dating at 37 and 34 with six children watching every move . . . six children who, themselves, have all been through enormous hurt and upheaval in their lives . . . is not fun . . . it is terrifying! There is no ‘manual’ written on how to do this (please don’t start sending me books . . . I don’t have time to read. I would be open to the Cliff’s Note version via e-mail, though :-)) As a mama and a daddy – our hearts long to do this right so that we make this as easy as we can for the babies. There is nothing ‘normal’ about ‘us.’ We are not 20 year olds trying to find our way through college and wondering who to go to the next big game with. We are thirty-somethings with kids and careers and our own homes we are trying to maintain and extensive friendships and the list can go on and on.
And then add into it . . . Chad. My beloved. And on this Valentine’s Day 2009 . . . I am SO very, very thankful that there is a new smile in my heart named Practice . . . but at the moment that Practice texted me at 6:38 this morning and asked me to be his Valentine . . . the tears began to roll. The reality is, I will NEVER stop grieving Chad. No matter who or what comes into my life. No matter what joys come in the future . . . Practice was right, back on that first date . . . There IS a part of my heart that will always belong to Chad. It will always mourn the loss of what I THOUGHT was going to be my life. I am thankful for hope and new beginnings, but I will always be sad for what ISN’t. It is all very confusing deep inside. How can I weep for one man and long to be in the arms of another?
Practice called, and I was crying, and he listened and loved on me and told me he’ll get here just as soon as he can . . . and the truth is . . . today, I think I get to have TWO Valentine’s . . . one here on Earth . . . and one in Heaven. I love you, Practice! I love you, Chad!
Today I awoke to a wonderful text from a wonderful man asking me to be his Valentine? I slept last night in this man's sweatshirt that smells like him, and every time I woke up I would thank God for sending me Practice (a name I will explain in a bit.)
I texted him back and replied that I will be his Valentine for always and forever and then . . . the tears began to stream . . . a trickle at first and then the dam broke! Cry and cry and cry! And then I remembered that last year I took a rose out to the grave and that this year I should probably do that, too. More tears!
I really thought this Valentine's Day would be filled with all joy. You see, I am just so thankful to our sweet Lord for His grace and kindness in bringing the kids and I Practice. Last Valentine's Day - my first without Chad and in the darkest days of my grief (four months after Chad's death) - was HORRIBLE!!!!! Absolutely terrible. Add insult to injury, I was working at a flower shop and was filling out cards to 'lovebirds' all day (PUKE!)
So, as the anticipation of this holiday has approached, it has not been with fear and trembling . . . but with gratefulness in my heart to God, and Practice. You see, I was not expecting this. In fact, I wasn't looking for it and I wasn't even sure I wanted it. I knew that to fall in love again would mean having to trust that my heart would not be ripped in two again. I had gotten myself to a place in the grieving process where I knew I was o.k. as ME. I didn't NEED anyone. The kids and I were operating in our 'new normal' (again, PUKE!) and I wasn't sure I wanted to put my heart out there knowing that if I fall in love again there are no guarantees that he won't die too. In fact, (I'm sure you are all smiling!) the guarantee is just the opposite . . . yep! At some point this one will die, too!
Then a friend asked me if I would be willing to try a blind date. Sure. Why not. I needed some practice if I was going to get back out there. I thought having someone to go to dinner with, or chat with at the end of the day, or go to a movie with would be fun.
Enter ‘Practice.’ (His real name is Jim, by the way.) He lives about 35 minutes from me and is a farmer. I know, I know . . . we ALL thought I would find some metro-sexual musician from Nashville, didn’t we? He is divorced (a biblical divorce on his end, for those of you already beginning to look down the end of your noses) with three children. Well, I had already informed the Lord (not long after Chad died) that I did NOT want a divorced man with three kids! Too much baggage! (Like I don’t come with an entire entourage of baggage . . . nice, Sarah!) And a farmer? They still have those these days! Yes, I can be a real, stuck-up snot sometimes. My pastor looked at me before this date and said, “Sarah! Farmers are wonderful people and they are VERY smart.” (He was right!)
So, I truly went on that first date just for practice. What I was NOT expecting was to fall in love.
Let’s be real now, folks. The first thing I noticed about Practice were his looks. (Maybe I should just leave it at that and let you figure out if they were good or bad . . . Nah!) I had certainly never been on a blind date and truly the most nerve wracking part of it was having NO idea what he looked like. Of course, there are pictures of me everywhere . . . so Practice knew what he was getting when he called to ask me out. He told me that he is bald and a mutual friend had informed me that he ‘wears it well.’ I had NO idea what to expect. Well, let me just tell you . . . he wears it VERY well. Practice is VERY good looking AND, this is girl talk now . . . guess what? When he took his coat off at dinner he had a short sleeve shirt on and guess what was under those short sleeves? VERY nice biceps :-) Well, I noticed those RIGHT off but tried hard not to let on.
And then this wonderful thing happened . . . we started to talk. We talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and haven’t stopped since. Some nights we talk on the phone for three or four hours. We are both exhausted because with six kids between us and two full-time jobs the only time to talk is late at night. A sacrifice I am willing to make :-).
The truth is . . . that not long after we started dating I began to realize that Practice had all of the qualities that I had been praying for since Chad died. Honestly, and I do mean honestly . . . I did not think I would ever find them again. Not all in one package. I thought I would have to compromise. I had had the very best already, and I was not willing to compromise, so I just figured I would be alone.
This week, as I was working on writing the book, I was reading through my journals. In December of 2007, just about eight weeks after Chad died I cried out to Chad in my despair and asked him to please send us someone who would love us. Someone who would love the WHOLE package . . . me, the kids, the ministry, AND our memories of Chad. Then I made a list and asked Chad to work with God to find this man. Practice has EVERY thing on the list! God is truly amazing!
On our first date, Practice looked at me during those hours and hours of talking and said, “I want you to know if we continue to date, that I understand that a part of your heart will always belong to Chad and that I will never try to change that or take that away.” I know that I began to fall in love with him right then and there.
He is kind and loving and wise and smart (yes, there is a difference between wise and smart!) He is a very good daddy and has wisdom in how he handles his babies and all that they have been through. He loves God and loves Christian music . . . especially this local girl from Midland now, I guess :-). And, have I mentioned the biceps?
Here we go, now. Here is me, being transparent with you . . . I was NOT prepared for how hard this would be! Practice has put a beaming, happy smile back in some deep, dark places. Places that I didn’t know if I would ever feel life in again. But the truth is . . . everyone says ‘just have fun.’ Well, that’s great when you are 17 or 20. That is when most people date, you know. A large part of those reading this blog probably dated when they were young and hopefully, will never have to date again. Well, let me tell you . . . this is NOT fun! You see, I am a wife. It is very deeply who I am. I was a good wife, a great one, maybe, and I loved every minute of it. I know how to do it! To now have to go back and be a girlfriend is both frustrating and painful. You see, I know what it is to lie in a man’s arms all night long. To be held and caressed and snuggled so close. And now, night after night we must say goodbye and leave one another’s arms. That hurts.
One of the most fascinating parts of all of this is that I am finding that the ‘wife’ parts of me that died the day Chad died are coming back to life. I want to cook for him and clean his house and help him plan birthday parties and . . . I want to pray and pray and pray for him (the MOST important role of a wife, by the way.) It is clear to me . . . and perhaps a discussion for a different blog . . . that there IS a distinction between wife and mother. While they may go hand in hand, they are two VERY different roles.
Oh, don’t get me wrong . . . it is fun! Today we get to spend the entire day together and I absolutely cannot wait! All EIGHT of us. The six kids and Jim and I. (His kids are wonderful, by the way.) How wonderful! The kids adore one another. We continue to pray that God will lead and guide and direct us and that He will continue to confirm all of this through these precious children . . . and He does.
But dating at 37 and 34 with six children watching every move . . . six children who, themselves, have all been through enormous hurt and upheaval in their lives . . . is not fun . . . it is terrifying! There is no ‘manual’ written on how to do this (please don’t start sending me books . . . I don’t have time to read. I would be open to the Cliff’s Note version via e-mail, though :-)) As a mama and a daddy – our hearts long to do this right so that we make this as easy as we can for the babies. There is nothing ‘normal’ about ‘us.’ We are not 20 year olds trying to find our way through college and wondering who to go to the next big game with. We are thirty-somethings with kids and careers and our own homes we are trying to maintain and extensive friendships and the list can go on and on.
And then add into it . . . Chad. My beloved. And on this Valentine’s Day 2009 . . . I am SO very, very thankful that there is a new smile in my heart named Practice . . . but at the moment that Practice texted me at 6:38 this morning and asked me to be his Valentine . . . the tears began to roll. The reality is, I will NEVER stop grieving Chad. No matter who or what comes into my life. No matter what joys come in the future . . . Practice was right, back on that first date . . . There IS a part of my heart that will always belong to Chad. It will always mourn the loss of what I THOUGHT was going to be my life. I am thankful for hope and new beginnings, but I will always be sad for what ISN’t. It is all very confusing deep inside. How can I weep for one man and long to be in the arms of another?
Practice called, and I was crying, and he listened and loved on me and told me he’ll get here just as soon as he can . . . and the truth is . . . today, I think I get to have TWO Valentine’s . . . one here on Earth . . . and one in Heaven. I love you, Practice! I love you, Chad!
Monday, February 9, 2009
FEELING Trust!
I wish I could say that I KNEW that this would happen. The truth is, I TRUSTED that it would . . . . I HOPED and PRAYED that it would . . . but if I am to be totally honest with you . . . I don’t think I can say that I KNEW it would happen.
None the less, I believe that I am living in the place where old and new are colliding . . . and new is taking hold and running away with me. I feel that I am standing on a precipice, really. I stand at the place where happiness, not joy, but happiness has crept back in and hope for a good future is now reality - not just trust.
Joy is unconditional. It is a promise of having the Spirit of God alive within us. It is not dependent upon our lives or the circumstances of them. One of the most painful and often confusing aspects of having walked through grief was the knowledge that happiness IS situational. That bothered me. I am, by nature, a very happy person. I choose to view the cup half full not half empty. I didn’t like not being happy. I didn’t like that my happiness could be dictated by circumstances in my life that were completely out of my control.
Today, I wonder if YOU have ever stood in this place? In the place that you trusted God for? In the place that you hoped and prayed for but never actually knew if it would happen? Have you ever been here, my friends?
I guess that is the beautiful thing about trust. Trusting God really and truly goes back to a core of KNOWING that God truly wants the best for us.
Maybe the hardest part of trusting God does not lie in trusting Him – but lies in not trusting ourselves. You see, I can want something so badly that it hurts . . . but that doesn’t mean that it is what is best for me. God knows that. So sometimes I struggle in the actual ‘asking’ for what I want . . . . and calling that ‘trusting’ . . . . when what I want might actually be hurtful to myself or my family down the road . . . and GOD KNOWS THAT!!!!! (I could go into an entire dissertation now about the true meaning of prayer . . . a laundry list of our wants OR a sweet fellowship and communion with our Savior?)
Maybe that is where that sometimes constant struggle within ourselves comes from. I know what I want but it might not be what is best. I know what I would like to see happen, but only time will tell. That is a rather precarious place to be, my friends. And so, it all comes back to trusting that God knows and wants what is best in our lives and there is a choice . . . I will bring this back to me now . . . I have a choice to either trust Him and ‘rest’ and not fret . . . or be a wreck.
Honestly? Sometimes I AM a wreck! Sometimes I just can’t see past the end of my nose . . . or I’m PMS’ing . . . or I am not taking it all to the Lord CONSTANTLY!!!!!!! But, usually, at the end of being a wreck I figure out that truly, the only place I want to live is in trusting Him, and I find my way back to resting.
So, today I find myself beginning the climb out of this dark valley of grief . . . well! That is not true at all! I am not beginning my climb – for that happened on October 7th, 2007. No, today I find myself NEAR the very top of the mountain. You know how sometimes when you watch rock climbers . . . when they get to the very top there is a lip they must go around or a patch of snow or ice they must get around to actually get to the top? THAT is where I am at. It is not all clear. Actually . . . there are MANY questions! I am trying not to be a wreck in all of those questions . . . but in those questions lies the place where the grief of the past and the hope of the future collide.
This is the place of God’s promises. This is the place where quoting Jeremiah 29:11 on the darkest day of your life, and telling your kids that God is good and we are choosing to trust Him JUST after telling them that their daddy is dead, and resting in Him for months when the questions go unanswered . . . .begin to merge with the knowledge that FEELING and TRUSTING are two very different things and today, the things that I could truly only TRUST for a very long time are now things I FEEL!
None the less, I believe that I am living in the place where old and new are colliding . . . and new is taking hold and running away with me. I feel that I am standing on a precipice, really. I stand at the place where happiness, not joy, but happiness has crept back in and hope for a good future is now reality - not just trust.
Joy is unconditional. It is a promise of having the Spirit of God alive within us. It is not dependent upon our lives or the circumstances of them. One of the most painful and often confusing aspects of having walked through grief was the knowledge that happiness IS situational. That bothered me. I am, by nature, a very happy person. I choose to view the cup half full not half empty. I didn’t like not being happy. I didn’t like that my happiness could be dictated by circumstances in my life that were completely out of my control.
Today, I wonder if YOU have ever stood in this place? In the place that you trusted God for? In the place that you hoped and prayed for but never actually knew if it would happen? Have you ever been here, my friends?
I guess that is the beautiful thing about trust. Trusting God really and truly goes back to a core of KNOWING that God truly wants the best for us.
Maybe the hardest part of trusting God does not lie in trusting Him – but lies in not trusting ourselves. You see, I can want something so badly that it hurts . . . but that doesn’t mean that it is what is best for me. God knows that. So sometimes I struggle in the actual ‘asking’ for what I want . . . . and calling that ‘trusting’ . . . . when what I want might actually be hurtful to myself or my family down the road . . . and GOD KNOWS THAT!!!!! (I could go into an entire dissertation now about the true meaning of prayer . . . a laundry list of our wants OR a sweet fellowship and communion with our Savior?)
Maybe that is where that sometimes constant struggle within ourselves comes from. I know what I want but it might not be what is best. I know what I would like to see happen, but only time will tell. That is a rather precarious place to be, my friends. And so, it all comes back to trusting that God knows and wants what is best in our lives and there is a choice . . . I will bring this back to me now . . . I have a choice to either trust Him and ‘rest’ and not fret . . . or be a wreck.
Honestly? Sometimes I AM a wreck! Sometimes I just can’t see past the end of my nose . . . or I’m PMS’ing . . . or I am not taking it all to the Lord CONSTANTLY!!!!!!! But, usually, at the end of being a wreck I figure out that truly, the only place I want to live is in trusting Him, and I find my way back to resting.
So, today I find myself beginning the climb out of this dark valley of grief . . . well! That is not true at all! I am not beginning my climb – for that happened on October 7th, 2007. No, today I find myself NEAR the very top of the mountain. You know how sometimes when you watch rock climbers . . . when they get to the very top there is a lip they must go around or a patch of snow or ice they must get around to actually get to the top? THAT is where I am at. It is not all clear. Actually . . . there are MANY questions! I am trying not to be a wreck in all of those questions . . . but in those questions lies the place where the grief of the past and the hope of the future collide.
This is the place of God’s promises. This is the place where quoting Jeremiah 29:11 on the darkest day of your life, and telling your kids that God is good and we are choosing to trust Him JUST after telling them that their daddy is dead, and resting in Him for months when the questions go unanswered . . . .begin to merge with the knowledge that FEELING and TRUSTING are two very different things and today, the things that I could truly only TRUST for a very long time are now things I FEEL!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Thank you, Dr. Sowers!
It is amazing, isn’t it, my friends? Tracing the hand of the Lord in our lives? Think about it … Where were you 10 years ago? Where are you now? Are you where you thought you would be? Has the path, the road, been what you thought it would be?
About seven years ago Chad and I wrote a song about this very concept. We were marveling at the path our life had taken . . . a path that we never expected. We marveled at how many curves, dips, valleys, and yes . . . even mountain tops had been placed along our paths. We chuckled as we looked BACK . . . knowing that if God had given us a map when we first became believers . . . a map that showed EVERYTHING . . . all those dips, bends in the road, the sharp curves . . . that it would have been our human nature to try to find the short cut! In our humanity we would have searched for the way around the hard parts. And yet, we knew on that day all those years ago, that each of those twists and turns had been allowed along our path because of the character, perseverance, and spiritual growth that would spring forth. In that moment we penned the words :
You know me better than I know myself,
You know what I need more than anyone else,
You know my heart more than anyone can,
So I lay down my life and give you all that I am.
Now, jump forward seven years. Suffice it to say that my life has not taken the path I thought it would. Duh! I would like to tell you the story of a very sweet and wonderful man in my life . . . and let YOU marvel WITH me at the sweet hand of the Lord and His nudging along my journey . . . and may it cause you to trace His fingerprints in your life!
I graduated from Traverse City High School back in 1992. That summer I came down with Mono and spent the entire summer on the couch trying to recover and be well enough to head off to college in the fall. I had grown up Wesleyan and was planning to attend Indiana Wesleyan University. I had my books all bought, knew my schedule, had corresponded with my roommate, etc . . . I was set! IWU was starting classes the Tuesday after Labor Day.
I was already ‘singing concerts’ by this point and one Sunday the middle of August I did a concert at a church in Traverse City. The next day, as I lay on my couch resting, I received a call from the Anderson University Admissions Department. The man introduced himself to me and said that he understood that I had applied to their school (uh, yeah, NINE months ago!) and that somehow I had fallen through the cracks. He was wondering what they could do to get me to come to their school. I very kindly replied that I was going to IWU and no thank you. SIX CALLS LATER the man would NOT leave me alone! He kept offering to meet whatever money IWU was giving me and I kept telling him NO! My mom was at work that day, and finally she called me and said “Sarah, I think maybe we need to check this out. Maybe God is trying to tell you something and we can’t know until we go visit the school.” Now, the kicker in all of this is that this is Monday . . . I am PLANNING to leave for college in three weeks . . . . and Anderson University starts ONE WEEK from today!
I called that man who kept calling me and told him that my mom and I would be down the next day. She took a couple days off work and we left for this college that we knew nothing about . . . other than they had a great music program. We drove down on Tuesday and spent Wednesday touring the campus and auditioning for the head of the music dept and another professor. I sang a couple songs that I regularly performed in concert (southern gospel) and they then informed me that they don’t sing that kind of music there . . . they only teach classical music because if you can sing classical you can sing anything. I was thinking, “wait a minute . . . the Gaithers are on the board here . . . this is where you come to become a Christian singer and you are telling me you don’t sing that music here?” Hmmmm. But, I did my audition and left.
I will never forget sitting in the Motel Six that night . . . knowing that Anderson University was the place I needed to be. It was so clear. I looked at my mom and said, “this is it . . . this is where I need to be.” She knew it, too. So, Thursday morning we went back to the campus, told them I was switching schools, they called IWU to let them know and we drove the eight hours back to Traverse City. I now had TWO days to pack for school, say my goodbyes, finish recuperating from Mono, and leave for a university and city where I knew NOONE!!!!!!! I was terrified! On top of all that – Chad and I were madly in love and I was about to move eight hours away!!!! Oh my!
Remember that audition I did for the head of the music dept.? Well, his name was Dr. Richard Sowers. On Monday morning I began the rounds heading to all my classes and discovered that not only had I ‘made’ it into private voice . . . .but, Dr. Sowers got to hand pick who he would have in his voice studio and I had made his list! What a privilege!
At this point in my life I was a very broken, hurting, wounded young woman. My parents had split up when I was eleven, and I had had VERY little contact with my dad since then, and I was truly broken and wounded. Loving and being loved by Chad was so hard . . . I lived in constant fear that he would leave me, too. And now enters into my life this wonderful, father-like figure ~ Dr. Sowers. We spent MANY, MANY hours together just by virtue of me being in his studio and ALL the hours of rehearsals, tours, classes, etc . . . Over the next few years Dr. Sowers became one of the sweetest persons who would ever weave their way through my twisty, tourney path. He was always wise, loving, kind, and willing to listen. He knew I was broken and very quietly offered wisdom and gently loved a young woman who really didn’t know what it was to have a father. I will never forget the night that Chad proposed to me . . . .without me knowing, of course, he took that ring in and showed Dr. Sowers before he popped the question to me.
Chad and I soon got married, and l left college a year sooner than I had planned and finished my degree in Midland where Chad had secured his position with the Midland Police Department. I lost touch with Dr. Sowers and many of my college friends (thank goodness for Facebook, huh?.) Over the next twelve years I saw Dr. Sowers a couple times – just very briefly. I always held him near to my heart, though, and thought of him often. I had become a voice teacher myself and I taught my students the vocal techniques that Dr. Sowers had taught me on a weekly basis.
About five weeks after Chad died it occurred to me that in the constant flurry of activity – the unending press attention, the non-stop ring of both the phone and the doorbell, and the constant watch of family and friends – that I had not been alone with my children since before Chad died! I needed to get 200 CD’s to Nashville, and rather than ship them I decided to drive with one of my best friends down to Nashville and get the kids and I OUT of Midland. I needed a break, I needed to be with my babies, and I needed to be somewhere where nobody knew who we were for a while!
I had received cards from several special people at Anderson University, and we decided to pop in on our way to Nashville. I had the pleasure of seeing Dr. Sowers. We hugged and talked and then I will never forget what happened next. Dr. Sowers sat all three of my kids down and told them the story of the day that he turned sixteen. It was Father’s Day . . . AND his birthday . . . AND the day his daddy went home to be with Jesus . . . very unexpectedly . . . just like Chad. He then told my kids that it was going to be very hard but that they would be o.k. . . . AND that even though it didn’t seem like it at times . . . that their mama would be o.k. eventually, too. Once again, this kind and wise man who had spoken into my life SO many times SO many years before, was speaking into my life again . . . and even more special . . . into the lives of my precious babies.
Last week Dr. Sowers surfaced again. He found me on Facebook and made his way to my blog and once again his words and wisdom encouraged and uplifted me.
And it occurs to me, that in August of 1992, sitting in a mobile home in Traverse City, Michigan, when that first phone call from Anderson University came . . . there was no way I could have known that a man named Dr. Richard Sowers was about to enter into the journey of my life and be the hands and mouth and mind of God reaching into my life. Never could I have known that Dr. Sowers would gently help to shape the woman that I was becoming and therefore leave an indelible print on a marriage that was going to end far too soon. Never could I have known that he would speak into my children’s lives one day and minister that same grace and wisdom to them that he had to me on so many occasions. Never . . . . could I have imagined . . . the path that just that one relationship in my life would take.
My friends – God IS so very good! In Matthew 10:29 He tells us “Are not two sparrows sold for just one penny? Yet, not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of our Heavenly Father.” You see, those sparrows aren’t worth much . . . yet the Word tells us that NOT ONE OF THEM is out of the faithful keeping of our Heavenly Father.
I don’t understand the course of my life. I AM NOT where I thought I would be ten years ago. I will never, this side of Heaven, understand why Chad had to die. I will never understand why my babies have had to bury their daddy and why we have all had to endure this horrible, horrible grief! There is SO MUCH that we will never understand! But remember how I said that Chad and I were in awe of the dips and valleys and mountains and curves and that if God told us they were coming, our human nature would be to try and avoid them? This is certainly one that I would have done everything in my power to avoid . . . EVERYTHING!
But one thing I do understand is that God is in control. And, back in August of 1992, He chose to weave a wonderful man into the complex, wonderful, horrible, delightful, painful, lovely tapestry that would become my life. There is a purpose in ALL of that. It would boggle my mind to sit and try to figure that out . . . so I must simply rest in knowing that God is SO big, and SO loving, and SO all-knowing that I can trust the ‘weaving’ of that tapestry even as it is constantly going on around me. Really, what that does, is free me up to know that no matter what comes my way God already has the tapestry being woven and I can rest in Him.
And so I wonder, my friends, what part are you playing in the tapestry of other people’s lives? Are you speaking life and love and encouragement into those around you? Are you being the Hands of God, the mouth of God, and the mind of God ministering to those around you? Does your heart beat with the love of God? In all honesty . . . those were traits that did not come easily to me and I prayed for years that God would help me to be an encourager! Are you praying that God would do that in your heart as well?
And on the flip side of that . . . today, in the midst of your struggle, perhaps as you mourn a loss, or maybe as you question where your job went, or maybe as you wrestle with a marriage that is falling apart around you . . . are you trusting that God is big enough to care about the weaving of the tapestry of your life? Are you able to rest in the fact that God is good? Period! You don’t have to figure that one out . . . you just have to trust it! My friends, Matthew goes on to say in verse 31, “So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to Him than a whole flock of sparrows.”
Rest in Him, today. Know that the dips and valleys and curves all serve a plan and a greater purpose and that truly, even when we hate it or question it or wonder about it, God sees the entire map and is directing you down the perfect path for where He needs to take you. Romans 8:28 tells us that He can make ALL those tough roads work together for good in your life . . . and that is exactly what He will do! He is so faithful!
And, Dr. Sowers, when you read this . . . please know that I love you dearly and am so thankful for the indelible mark you have left on my life! Thank you!!!!!!
About seven years ago Chad and I wrote a song about this very concept. We were marveling at the path our life had taken . . . a path that we never expected. We marveled at how many curves, dips, valleys, and yes . . . even mountain tops had been placed along our paths. We chuckled as we looked BACK . . . knowing that if God had given us a map when we first became believers . . . a map that showed EVERYTHING . . . all those dips, bends in the road, the sharp curves . . . that it would have been our human nature to try to find the short cut! In our humanity we would have searched for the way around the hard parts. And yet, we knew on that day all those years ago, that each of those twists and turns had been allowed along our path because of the character, perseverance, and spiritual growth that would spring forth. In that moment we penned the words :
You know me better than I know myself,
You know what I need more than anyone else,
You know my heart more than anyone can,
So I lay down my life and give you all that I am.
Now, jump forward seven years. Suffice it to say that my life has not taken the path I thought it would. Duh! I would like to tell you the story of a very sweet and wonderful man in my life . . . and let YOU marvel WITH me at the sweet hand of the Lord and His nudging along my journey . . . and may it cause you to trace His fingerprints in your life!
I graduated from Traverse City High School back in 1992. That summer I came down with Mono and spent the entire summer on the couch trying to recover and be well enough to head off to college in the fall. I had grown up Wesleyan and was planning to attend Indiana Wesleyan University. I had my books all bought, knew my schedule, had corresponded with my roommate, etc . . . I was set! IWU was starting classes the Tuesday after Labor Day.
I was already ‘singing concerts’ by this point and one Sunday the middle of August I did a concert at a church in Traverse City. The next day, as I lay on my couch resting, I received a call from the Anderson University Admissions Department. The man introduced himself to me and said that he understood that I had applied to their school (uh, yeah, NINE months ago!) and that somehow I had fallen through the cracks. He was wondering what they could do to get me to come to their school. I very kindly replied that I was going to IWU and no thank you. SIX CALLS LATER the man would NOT leave me alone! He kept offering to meet whatever money IWU was giving me and I kept telling him NO! My mom was at work that day, and finally she called me and said “Sarah, I think maybe we need to check this out. Maybe God is trying to tell you something and we can’t know until we go visit the school.” Now, the kicker in all of this is that this is Monday . . . I am PLANNING to leave for college in three weeks . . . . and Anderson University starts ONE WEEK from today!
I called that man who kept calling me and told him that my mom and I would be down the next day. She took a couple days off work and we left for this college that we knew nothing about . . . other than they had a great music program. We drove down on Tuesday and spent Wednesday touring the campus and auditioning for the head of the music dept and another professor. I sang a couple songs that I regularly performed in concert (southern gospel) and they then informed me that they don’t sing that kind of music there . . . they only teach classical music because if you can sing classical you can sing anything. I was thinking, “wait a minute . . . the Gaithers are on the board here . . . this is where you come to become a Christian singer and you are telling me you don’t sing that music here?” Hmmmm. But, I did my audition and left.
I will never forget sitting in the Motel Six that night . . . knowing that Anderson University was the place I needed to be. It was so clear. I looked at my mom and said, “this is it . . . this is where I need to be.” She knew it, too. So, Thursday morning we went back to the campus, told them I was switching schools, they called IWU to let them know and we drove the eight hours back to Traverse City. I now had TWO days to pack for school, say my goodbyes, finish recuperating from Mono, and leave for a university and city where I knew NOONE!!!!!!! I was terrified! On top of all that – Chad and I were madly in love and I was about to move eight hours away!!!! Oh my!
Remember that audition I did for the head of the music dept.? Well, his name was Dr. Richard Sowers. On Monday morning I began the rounds heading to all my classes and discovered that not only had I ‘made’ it into private voice . . . .but, Dr. Sowers got to hand pick who he would have in his voice studio and I had made his list! What a privilege!
At this point in my life I was a very broken, hurting, wounded young woman. My parents had split up when I was eleven, and I had had VERY little contact with my dad since then, and I was truly broken and wounded. Loving and being loved by Chad was so hard . . . I lived in constant fear that he would leave me, too. And now enters into my life this wonderful, father-like figure ~ Dr. Sowers. We spent MANY, MANY hours together just by virtue of me being in his studio and ALL the hours of rehearsals, tours, classes, etc . . . Over the next few years Dr. Sowers became one of the sweetest persons who would ever weave their way through my twisty, tourney path. He was always wise, loving, kind, and willing to listen. He knew I was broken and very quietly offered wisdom and gently loved a young woman who really didn’t know what it was to have a father. I will never forget the night that Chad proposed to me . . . .without me knowing, of course, he took that ring in and showed Dr. Sowers before he popped the question to me.
Chad and I soon got married, and l left college a year sooner than I had planned and finished my degree in Midland where Chad had secured his position with the Midland Police Department. I lost touch with Dr. Sowers and many of my college friends (thank goodness for Facebook, huh?.) Over the next twelve years I saw Dr. Sowers a couple times – just very briefly. I always held him near to my heart, though, and thought of him often. I had become a voice teacher myself and I taught my students the vocal techniques that Dr. Sowers had taught me on a weekly basis.
About five weeks after Chad died it occurred to me that in the constant flurry of activity – the unending press attention, the non-stop ring of both the phone and the doorbell, and the constant watch of family and friends – that I had not been alone with my children since before Chad died! I needed to get 200 CD’s to Nashville, and rather than ship them I decided to drive with one of my best friends down to Nashville and get the kids and I OUT of Midland. I needed a break, I needed to be with my babies, and I needed to be somewhere where nobody knew who we were for a while!
I had received cards from several special people at Anderson University, and we decided to pop in on our way to Nashville. I had the pleasure of seeing Dr. Sowers. We hugged and talked and then I will never forget what happened next. Dr. Sowers sat all three of my kids down and told them the story of the day that he turned sixteen. It was Father’s Day . . . AND his birthday . . . AND the day his daddy went home to be with Jesus . . . very unexpectedly . . . just like Chad. He then told my kids that it was going to be very hard but that they would be o.k. . . . AND that even though it didn’t seem like it at times . . . that their mama would be o.k. eventually, too. Once again, this kind and wise man who had spoken into my life SO many times SO many years before, was speaking into my life again . . . and even more special . . . into the lives of my precious babies.
Last week Dr. Sowers surfaced again. He found me on Facebook and made his way to my blog and once again his words and wisdom encouraged and uplifted me.
And it occurs to me, that in August of 1992, sitting in a mobile home in Traverse City, Michigan, when that first phone call from Anderson University came . . . there was no way I could have known that a man named Dr. Richard Sowers was about to enter into the journey of my life and be the hands and mouth and mind of God reaching into my life. Never could I have known that Dr. Sowers would gently help to shape the woman that I was becoming and therefore leave an indelible print on a marriage that was going to end far too soon. Never could I have known that he would speak into my children’s lives one day and minister that same grace and wisdom to them that he had to me on so many occasions. Never . . . . could I have imagined . . . the path that just that one relationship in my life would take.
My friends – God IS so very good! In Matthew 10:29 He tells us “Are not two sparrows sold for just one penny? Yet, not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of our Heavenly Father.” You see, those sparrows aren’t worth much . . . yet the Word tells us that NOT ONE OF THEM is out of the faithful keeping of our Heavenly Father.
I don’t understand the course of my life. I AM NOT where I thought I would be ten years ago. I will never, this side of Heaven, understand why Chad had to die. I will never understand why my babies have had to bury their daddy and why we have all had to endure this horrible, horrible grief! There is SO MUCH that we will never understand! But remember how I said that Chad and I were in awe of the dips and valleys and mountains and curves and that if God told us they were coming, our human nature would be to try and avoid them? This is certainly one that I would have done everything in my power to avoid . . . EVERYTHING!
But one thing I do understand is that God is in control. And, back in August of 1992, He chose to weave a wonderful man into the complex, wonderful, horrible, delightful, painful, lovely tapestry that would become my life. There is a purpose in ALL of that. It would boggle my mind to sit and try to figure that out . . . so I must simply rest in knowing that God is SO big, and SO loving, and SO all-knowing that I can trust the ‘weaving’ of that tapestry even as it is constantly going on around me. Really, what that does, is free me up to know that no matter what comes my way God already has the tapestry being woven and I can rest in Him.
And so I wonder, my friends, what part are you playing in the tapestry of other people’s lives? Are you speaking life and love and encouragement into those around you? Are you being the Hands of God, the mouth of God, and the mind of God ministering to those around you? Does your heart beat with the love of God? In all honesty . . . those were traits that did not come easily to me and I prayed for years that God would help me to be an encourager! Are you praying that God would do that in your heart as well?
And on the flip side of that . . . today, in the midst of your struggle, perhaps as you mourn a loss, or maybe as you question where your job went, or maybe as you wrestle with a marriage that is falling apart around you . . . are you trusting that God is big enough to care about the weaving of the tapestry of your life? Are you able to rest in the fact that God is good? Period! You don’t have to figure that one out . . . you just have to trust it! My friends, Matthew goes on to say in verse 31, “So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to Him than a whole flock of sparrows.”
Rest in Him, today. Know that the dips and valleys and curves all serve a plan and a greater purpose and that truly, even when we hate it or question it or wonder about it, God sees the entire map and is directing you down the perfect path for where He needs to take you. Romans 8:28 tells us that He can make ALL those tough roads work together for good in your life . . . and that is exactly what He will do! He is so faithful!
And, Dr. Sowers, when you read this . . . please know that I love you dearly and am so thankful for the indelible mark you have left on my life! Thank you!!!!!!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Keeping On!
Well, my Friends! Where has January gone? I am so sorry that it has been so long since my last blog . . . some of you have begun calling or e-mailing wondering where I am and am I alright. Alright? Very alright, friends!
Do you remember back at the very beginning of January when I said that I was going out on a date? Well, one date turned to two and two to three and so on! The Lord has been kind and gracious and brought a very wonderful man into my life. I am not sure that I am ready to really go into ‘all’ of what this is and ‘all’ of the emotions that are wrapped up in it . . . but let me just say, for now, that there is a smile returning deep within my heart . . . life returning deep within me . . . and it feels VERY good!
There is much to be done on the music front right now . . . “The Long October Road” is beginning to wind down. Paul (my producer) is beginning to mix and master the album (terms for the final touches ‘technically.’) I am so thrilled with this project as a whole. I truly cannot tell you the depth of satisfaction that I feel when I listen to the songs. First of all – to have such deeply emotional songs that I was able to co-write and then watch as they came to life for the whole world to hear! Wow! What an incredible process. Then, musically and vocally, this project is deep and rich and EXACTLY what I have longed to put my heart into! I am so proud of what this album is and I truly look forward to watching God move. I pray that His rich anointing will be ALL over the songs and that they will minister to thousands of hurting people! He is just SO, SO good!
There are many details that still need to be thought of and ironed out . . . designs and artwork, pre-release and release dates, bookings (would love to sing in your area . . . please contact me for booking information.) I just lost my booking agent . . . so that is an area of desperate need and prayer. On top of all of that – my goal in the next week or so is to get the book outline done! So, there is MUCH to be done . . . but I am truly so thankful for the leading of the Sweet Lord in my life . . . thankful for the opportunity to do any of it! I can’t wait to minister and teach and offer hope and encouragement to those in need.
I know this is not very ‘deep.’ I will write ‘deep’ soon! But, I did want to get an update out to you so that you know that all is well – just a TON to be done.
Blessings!
Sarah
Do you remember back at the very beginning of January when I said that I was going out on a date? Well, one date turned to two and two to three and so on! The Lord has been kind and gracious and brought a very wonderful man into my life. I am not sure that I am ready to really go into ‘all’ of what this is and ‘all’ of the emotions that are wrapped up in it . . . but let me just say, for now, that there is a smile returning deep within my heart . . . life returning deep within me . . . and it feels VERY good!
There is much to be done on the music front right now . . . “The Long October Road” is beginning to wind down. Paul (my producer) is beginning to mix and master the album (terms for the final touches ‘technically.’) I am so thrilled with this project as a whole. I truly cannot tell you the depth of satisfaction that I feel when I listen to the songs. First of all – to have such deeply emotional songs that I was able to co-write and then watch as they came to life for the whole world to hear! Wow! What an incredible process. Then, musically and vocally, this project is deep and rich and EXACTLY what I have longed to put my heart into! I am so proud of what this album is and I truly look forward to watching God move. I pray that His rich anointing will be ALL over the songs and that they will minister to thousands of hurting people! He is just SO, SO good!
There are many details that still need to be thought of and ironed out . . . designs and artwork, pre-release and release dates, bookings (would love to sing in your area . . . please contact me for booking information.) I just lost my booking agent . . . so that is an area of desperate need and prayer. On top of all of that – my goal in the next week or so is to get the book outline done! So, there is MUCH to be done . . . but I am truly so thankful for the leading of the Sweet Lord in my life . . . thankful for the opportunity to do any of it! I can’t wait to minister and teach and offer hope and encouragement to those in need.
I know this is not very ‘deep.’ I will write ‘deep’ soon! But, I did want to get an update out to you so that you know that all is well – just a TON to be done.
Blessings!
Sarah
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Make Love Emotionally
Good Day Friends!
I have been in Nashville all week - unable to figure out how to get my computer online so that I could blog. Sorry for the delay in blogs!
It has been an amazing week. I arrived Monday and actually got to shop a little and enjoy some much needed R&R. Tuesday we hit it hard in the studio - laying my vocals on the final songs. Tuesday was very tough - we recorded the three most emotional songs of the entire album - songs that rip my heart out of my chest and lay it bare for the entire world to see. Songs that dig so deep into the pain and agony of my journey through grief that they leave me a bit exasperated . . . so, three of them back to back was tough. Then, one of them disappeared into cyberspace and we had to re-record it yesterday (we lost four hours of my singing work!) It is o.k. though - in the end the re-do was WAY better than the first take. God DOES work all things together for good.
In the end - I know that those three songs that were the toughest, emotionally, will forever be my favorites! Why, you may ask? Because I will not sugar coat this journey that I have been on! I will not pretend that it is or has been anything other than it is. I believe that the "church" needs to get back to authenticity and stop pretending that God is a magic eraser to the struggles of this world.
At some point last summer I had a neighbor of mine look at me and tell me that she doesn't think there is such a thing as suffering . . . chew on that for a moment . . . (I furrow my brow as I think of our conversation.) A seventy-something woman who has never lost a child or husband and who regularly vacations in the Caribbean and who has a condo up north, etc . . . looking at a 34 year-old widow with three young children and saying there is no such thing as suffering. HUH???? What in the world? Truly!
I looked at her and said, "you know, the bible says that 'to live is Christ and to die is gain.' Christ suffered, how can you say we shouldn't suffer?' Her only reply was that she didn't think that was the right interpretation of that scripture.
Well, friends, I pray that your life is so great that you agree with my dear neighbor. However, my life has been riddled with suffering. My daddy left me when I was eleven. I know the pain of miscarriage. I know the angst of drawn out marriage troubles (yes, we had a WONDERFUL marriage - but we had truly had our struggles along the way.) I have and still do taste the bitter tears of grief . . .
It is from these places of darkness in my life that I can stand before you today and tell you that if you are facing dark days - there is a way through. There IS hope! There is a constant Who longs to hold you and be your strength and shield. That DOES NOT mean that the pain and sorrow in your life will disappear . . . it means that there is a hiding place in the midst of this sinful world!
There is a key in all of this . . . Philippians 4:11 says that "I have learned the secret to being content . . . " Paul continues and says, " I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need."
Today - if you are walking through high waters - please turn to Christ. Please focus your eyes on Him and all that HE is and all that HE wants to be to you. How? How do you do this? Well, for me it has been through my being authentic with Christ. It has reminded me of those times after Chad and I had been intimate with one another . . . totally open and raw and intimate . . . two people becoming one . . . hiding nothing. Then, in the moments to follow, there was perfect peace . . . a total calming as we rested in the afterglow.
Throughout this past year, the moments of sweetest communion with God have come after I have been the most open and transparent with Him - when I wasn't afraid to shake my fists at Him and yell at Him and tell Him what I truly thought and felt. Then, like that calm, that peace of the afterglow . . . the Spirit of God would come over me and envelope me and God would pull me in just as Chad did and He whispered to me "Be Still, my sweet Sarah! Be still and know that I am God!" Ah . . . the rest.
Hide nothing from God, my friends! Bare it all . . .and in that transparency, in the being real with God, in you being you and no one else . . .that is where God can meet you at the deepest places of who you are and enter in and heal. That doesn't mean 'magic' . . . it means peace. What more can we really ask for?
I have been in Nashville all week - unable to figure out how to get my computer online so that I could blog. Sorry for the delay in blogs!
It has been an amazing week. I arrived Monday and actually got to shop a little and enjoy some much needed R&R. Tuesday we hit it hard in the studio - laying my vocals on the final songs. Tuesday was very tough - we recorded the three most emotional songs of the entire album - songs that rip my heart out of my chest and lay it bare for the entire world to see. Songs that dig so deep into the pain and agony of my journey through grief that they leave me a bit exasperated . . . so, three of them back to back was tough. Then, one of them disappeared into cyberspace and we had to re-record it yesterday (we lost four hours of my singing work!) It is o.k. though - in the end the re-do was WAY better than the first take. God DOES work all things together for good.
In the end - I know that those three songs that were the toughest, emotionally, will forever be my favorites! Why, you may ask? Because I will not sugar coat this journey that I have been on! I will not pretend that it is or has been anything other than it is. I believe that the "church" needs to get back to authenticity and stop pretending that God is a magic eraser to the struggles of this world.
At some point last summer I had a neighbor of mine look at me and tell me that she doesn't think there is such a thing as suffering . . . chew on that for a moment . . . (I furrow my brow as I think of our conversation.) A seventy-something woman who has never lost a child or husband and who regularly vacations in the Caribbean and who has a condo up north, etc . . . looking at a 34 year-old widow with three young children and saying there is no such thing as suffering. HUH???? What in the world? Truly!
I looked at her and said, "you know, the bible says that 'to live is Christ and to die is gain.' Christ suffered, how can you say we shouldn't suffer?' Her only reply was that she didn't think that was the right interpretation of that scripture.
Well, friends, I pray that your life is so great that you agree with my dear neighbor. However, my life has been riddled with suffering. My daddy left me when I was eleven. I know the pain of miscarriage. I know the angst of drawn out marriage troubles (yes, we had a WONDERFUL marriage - but we had truly had our struggles along the way.) I have and still do taste the bitter tears of grief . . .
It is from these places of darkness in my life that I can stand before you today and tell you that if you are facing dark days - there is a way through. There IS hope! There is a constant Who longs to hold you and be your strength and shield. That DOES NOT mean that the pain and sorrow in your life will disappear . . . it means that there is a hiding place in the midst of this sinful world!
There is a key in all of this . . . Philippians 4:11 says that "I have learned the secret to being content . . . " Paul continues and says, " I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything with the help of Christ who gives me the strength I need."
Today - if you are walking through high waters - please turn to Christ. Please focus your eyes on Him and all that HE is and all that HE wants to be to you. How? How do you do this? Well, for me it has been through my being authentic with Christ. It has reminded me of those times after Chad and I had been intimate with one another . . . totally open and raw and intimate . . . two people becoming one . . . hiding nothing. Then, in the moments to follow, there was perfect peace . . . a total calming as we rested in the afterglow.
Throughout this past year, the moments of sweetest communion with God have come after I have been the most open and transparent with Him - when I wasn't afraid to shake my fists at Him and yell at Him and tell Him what I truly thought and felt. Then, like that calm, that peace of the afterglow . . . the Spirit of God would come over me and envelope me and God would pull me in just as Chad did and He whispered to me "Be Still, my sweet Sarah! Be still and know that I am God!" Ah . . . the rest.
Hide nothing from God, my friends! Bare it all . . .and in that transparency, in the being real with God, in you being you and no one else . . .that is where God can meet you at the deepest places of who you are and enter in and heal. That doesn't mean 'magic' . . . it means peace. What more can we really ask for?
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Happy New Year????
Well, my friends ~ this morning as I did my devotions and sat and pondered the year we are about to say goodbye to and the year ahead . . . there were many realizations. It occurred to me that at the beginning of 2007 I believed it would be one of the greatest years of my life! I knew that we would release ‘Gratitude’ and launch a marriage ministry – there was so much anticipation. On a personal level we were taking our first major family trip (to Disney in April of ’07) and would have all three kids in school ALL day come fall (you can figure that one out !)
That year, however, ended in such despair that I truly cannot put the depth of that feeling into words. As I turned the corner from ’07 into ’08 just one year ago tonight . . . it was with dread and fear and pain. I was saying goodbye to the last year I could ever ‘be’ with my beloved . . . and entering into my first year of ‘alone.’ I had no idea what ’08 would bring . . . but I knew I didn’t want it . . . ANY of it! I wanted my beloved . . . but I knew that there was NOTHING I could do but trust God! And trust I did!
2008 began with me truly wanting to die. “Please God . . . can’t our home be filled with carbon monoxide and ALL four of us wake up with You and Chad?” This is me . . . being real . . .with you! I DID NOT want to continue without my beloved. I am so thankful, however, for God’s sustaining grace and strength. I made it through those first dreadful months of ’08 . . . truly, only for my children. Slowly ~ hope for a new future began to emerge . . . despite dealing with illness that put me to bed for most of June and July. I am so thankful that God is bigger than me (duh!) and works despite me. All the while I was working to grieve and mourn, God was working to continue to bring healing and hope and a future.
Throughout 2008 I can truly tell you (and with a smile on my face) that I have found ‘ME.’ You see, when you are married . . . you work to meld two into one. That is our job as a married couple. Not that I LOST me while I was married . . . but I wasn’t ever just ‘Sarah.’ I was Chadandsarah! That is how we wanted it. That was our command from the Lord . . . the two shall become one! We spent 12 ½ years working toward becoming one person. I entered 2008 limping – feeling that ½ of me had been ripped away and I was wounded and bleeding and exposed. I cannot tell you the depth of that feeling. I remember walking through stores, driving through town, attending church or kids’ activities with a constant ‘wonder’ within me . . . . trying to figure out where Chad went and who in the world I was without him. Even, and especially, into June and July my journal read “I don’t know me without you.” I remember frantically looking around wondering who would marry me . . .because I certainly couldn’t be alone! It was a terrifying feeling. I didn’t trust my own emotions through any of that . . . but I was so afraid to be alone . . . I got married so I wouldn’t have to be alone! Now what? How could I possibly face life alone?
But, I am so happy to tell you, friends, that I have figured out who ‘Sarah’ is . . .well, I should say, I AM figuring out who ‘Sarah’ is. It is a wonderful feeling. I do not feel the ‘need’ to have a man . . .should God bring one along I will be blessed . . . but I WILL NOT settle out of loneliness or despair. I will not have a man JUST to not be alone. All that being said . . . guess what? I am going on a date! Someone called and asked me! Isn’t that exciting? I won’t tell you when or where . . . that is for me (and him) to know and you NOT to find out .
When Chad first died, people told me “don’t worry, Sarah, you are young and beautiful and there will be men lined up around the block.” Well, in November of this year (over a year after Chad died) I told my brother that I was clearly standing on the WRONG BLOCK!!!!! And, while there certainly is NOT a line . . . It is exciting to know that someone is interested and we will just go out and have fun . . . and THAT will be nice!
Also!!!!!! I have VERY exciting news!!!!!!! Last week Christmas In Heaven hit the charts at #30 on the Billboard Christian (radio airplay) chart AND #17 on THE national Christian airplay chart ~ (click on the title of this blog to go to the chart) (http://www.radioandrecords.com/Formats/Charts/Christ_Inspo_Chart.asp)! That is the top 20!!!!! Today, a radio guy I know wrote and congratulated me . . . my Christmas song beat the new Casting Crowns song!!!!!! Wow!!!!!! Thank you God! I am truly SO, SO thankful!
So, my friends, as I turn the corner into a new year . . . there is much to be hopeful about. We have made it through what I hope will live down as the toughest year of our lives. The kids and I are happy and healthy . . . PLEASE don’t mistake that for thinking that our hearts don’t still break . . . for, every single day they do. I DON'T WANT a top 20 song because my husband is dead . . . I DON'T WANT to go on a first date because my husband is dead . . . but, though this isn’t the story I would have been chosen it is the story I have been given and I WILL make the best of it! I WILL glorify God through ALL of it! I WILL rejoice in ALL that HE is doing and I CHOOSE to trust ALL that HE is!
I realize that today, as YOU turn the page on a new year, you may be facing great pain or many trials. I understand that, my friend! PLEASE hold on to Jesus! Please REST in WHO God is and how truly faithful He is! He IS good . . . even, and especially, when you don’t FEEL it! Nuzzle yourself under the shelter of the shadow of His wings (Psalm 91:1) . . . stay SO close to Him that when light or dark surround you it doesn’t destroy you because you are so close to Him that His shadow protects you from whatever it is that comes at you. It doesn’t mean that you don’t feel the heat or the pain . . . it is not a magic ‘eraser’ for this life and this world and all that it holds . . . but it IS a sustaining recipe for our lives! Christ . . . and ALL that HE IS will get each of us through WHATEVER 2009 holds! That, my friends, is for certain!
God Bless your 2009!
Sarah
That year, however, ended in such despair that I truly cannot put the depth of that feeling into words. As I turned the corner from ’07 into ’08 just one year ago tonight . . . it was with dread and fear and pain. I was saying goodbye to the last year I could ever ‘be’ with my beloved . . . and entering into my first year of ‘alone.’ I had no idea what ’08 would bring . . . but I knew I didn’t want it . . . ANY of it! I wanted my beloved . . . but I knew that there was NOTHING I could do but trust God! And trust I did!
2008 began with me truly wanting to die. “Please God . . . can’t our home be filled with carbon monoxide and ALL four of us wake up with You and Chad?” This is me . . . being real . . .with you! I DID NOT want to continue without my beloved. I am so thankful, however, for God’s sustaining grace and strength. I made it through those first dreadful months of ’08 . . . truly, only for my children. Slowly ~ hope for a new future began to emerge . . . despite dealing with illness that put me to bed for most of June and July. I am so thankful that God is bigger than me (duh!) and works despite me. All the while I was working to grieve and mourn, God was working to continue to bring healing and hope and a future.
Throughout 2008 I can truly tell you (and with a smile on my face) that I have found ‘ME.’ You see, when you are married . . . you work to meld two into one. That is our job as a married couple. Not that I LOST me while I was married . . . but I wasn’t ever just ‘Sarah.’ I was Chadandsarah! That is how we wanted it. That was our command from the Lord . . . the two shall become one! We spent 12 ½ years working toward becoming one person. I entered 2008 limping – feeling that ½ of me had been ripped away and I was wounded and bleeding and exposed. I cannot tell you the depth of that feeling. I remember walking through stores, driving through town, attending church or kids’ activities with a constant ‘wonder’ within me . . . . trying to figure out where Chad went and who in the world I was without him. Even, and especially, into June and July my journal read “I don’t know me without you.” I remember frantically looking around wondering who would marry me . . .because I certainly couldn’t be alone! It was a terrifying feeling. I didn’t trust my own emotions through any of that . . . but I was so afraid to be alone . . . I got married so I wouldn’t have to be alone! Now what? How could I possibly face life alone?
But, I am so happy to tell you, friends, that I have figured out who ‘Sarah’ is . . .well, I should say, I AM figuring out who ‘Sarah’ is. It is a wonderful feeling. I do not feel the ‘need’ to have a man . . .should God bring one along I will be blessed . . . but I WILL NOT settle out of loneliness or despair. I will not have a man JUST to not be alone. All that being said . . . guess what? I am going on a date! Someone called and asked me! Isn’t that exciting? I won’t tell you when or where . . . that is for me (and him) to know and you NOT to find out .
When Chad first died, people told me “don’t worry, Sarah, you are young and beautiful and there will be men lined up around the block.” Well, in November of this year (over a year after Chad died) I told my brother that I was clearly standing on the WRONG BLOCK!!!!! And, while there certainly is NOT a line . . . It is exciting to know that someone is interested and we will just go out and have fun . . . and THAT will be nice!
Also!!!!!! I have VERY exciting news!!!!!!! Last week Christmas In Heaven hit the charts at #30 on the Billboard Christian (radio airplay) chart AND #17 on THE national Christian airplay chart ~ (click on the title of this blog to go to the chart) (http://www.radioandrecords.com/Formats/Charts/Christ_Inspo_Chart.asp)! That is the top 20!!!!! Today, a radio guy I know wrote and congratulated me . . . my Christmas song beat the new Casting Crowns song!!!!!! Wow!!!!!! Thank you God! I am truly SO, SO thankful!
So, my friends, as I turn the corner into a new year . . . there is much to be hopeful about. We have made it through what I hope will live down as the toughest year of our lives. The kids and I are happy and healthy . . . PLEASE don’t mistake that for thinking that our hearts don’t still break . . . for, every single day they do. I DON'T WANT a top 20 song because my husband is dead . . . I DON'T WANT to go on a first date because my husband is dead . . . but, though this isn’t the story I would have been chosen it is the story I have been given and I WILL make the best of it! I WILL glorify God through ALL of it! I WILL rejoice in ALL that HE is doing and I CHOOSE to trust ALL that HE is!
I realize that today, as YOU turn the page on a new year, you may be facing great pain or many trials. I understand that, my friend! PLEASE hold on to Jesus! Please REST in WHO God is and how truly faithful He is! He IS good . . . even, and especially, when you don’t FEEL it! Nuzzle yourself under the shelter of the shadow of His wings (Psalm 91:1) . . . stay SO close to Him that when light or dark surround you it doesn’t destroy you because you are so close to Him that His shadow protects you from whatever it is that comes at you. It doesn’t mean that you don’t feel the heat or the pain . . . it is not a magic ‘eraser’ for this life and this world and all that it holds . . . but it IS a sustaining recipe for our lives! Christ . . . and ALL that HE IS will get each of us through WHATEVER 2009 holds! That, my friends, is for certain!
God Bless your 2009!
Sarah
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
quick update
Greetings Friends! Thank you all so much for your very sweet comments . . .they bless me richly. I am so thankful that the song Christmas in Heaven is ministering to and blessing so many people. Last night I received an e-mail from a manager at 'Billboard' . . . as in Billboard Magazine . . . the Top 40 . . .etc . . . He said that the song Christmas in Heaven is 'charting' on their chart this week and that they need more information!
Wow! I may have a 'Top 40' song! Can you believe that? Little ol' me . . . little Sarah sitting in Midland, MI . . . just trying to honor her husband and get through some very painful holidays . . . little ol' me . . . so thankful and honored . . . Billboard! Wow!!!!! Let me say it again . . . BILLBOARD!!!!!! Now, I think they might chart the top 100 songs . . so, I could be number 98 . . . but, that's o.k. :-) I'm still on the Billboard charts . . . and, I'm thankful.
Well, Friends. These holidays ARE proving to be very difficult. I cry a lot. For months the crying had really tapered off . . . but in the past week I have cried enought to make up for any lack of October and November. It is just SO hard and SO painful. I miss Chad more than I could ever even begin to describe. My heart breaks for my dear children.
Last Saturday Noah had a good break down. He cried and cried and told me he wishes we could just skip Christmas this year and that he wants to die and go Home to be with Daddy. Oh, how my heart broke. I couldn't hug, nor hold him tight enough. Sweet baby . . . 10 years old and carrying a weight SO much larger than he.
If you were to look back to the winter months of last year, my journals would read the same as Noah's wishes . . . 'Lord, can't there be Carbon Monoxide in our house and all four of us just wake up in Heaven with Chad? . . . Please Lord! Get us out of this misery!' Perhaps you think that means we have little faith. You can think what you like . . . judge away if that makes you feel better. It just meant that my heart broke more than I ever dreamed it could . . . I understand little Noah! Bless him, Lord. Please bless these precious children this Christmas and help us all to celebrate even when the pain is just so great.
I have much to say . . . I have Blogs begun that will BLOW YOU AWAY :-) . . well, they'll give you something to think about . . .but right now I am just working to get the kids and I through this holiday AND keep up with the CD orders . . . there are waiting lists all over this area, and I have envelopes addressed and ready to fly out of here . . .but NO CD'S!!!!! I am not too happy with UPS right now! They were supposed to be on my doorstep last Friday (It is now Tuesday morning). A terrible snow storm kept them away . . . I understand that. Nothing we can do about that. However . . .they SHOULD have been delivered yesterday and were not.
So, today, my dear friend Christy is driving to Saginaw to PICK THEM UP and begin delivering them to all the bookstores that are out and then will bring them back here so we can begin stuffing envelopes and filling the last of the order.
Just a quick note - you can now digitally download the song on CD BABY - so if you are waiting on a CD to arrive, and need a 'temporary fix' . . . that is an option. If you are waiting - I am SO very sorry . . . this has truly been out of my control!
Blessings to you all this Christmas season! May the Lord give sweetness to your Christmas festivities . . . even if, and especially when, they may be seasoned with pain!
Wow! I may have a 'Top 40' song! Can you believe that? Little ol' me . . . little Sarah sitting in Midland, MI . . . just trying to honor her husband and get through some very painful holidays . . . little ol' me . . . so thankful and honored . . . Billboard! Wow!!!!! Let me say it again . . . BILLBOARD!!!!!! Now, I think they might chart the top 100 songs . . so, I could be number 98 . . . but, that's o.k. :-) I'm still on the Billboard charts . . . and, I'm thankful.
Well, Friends. These holidays ARE proving to be very difficult. I cry a lot. For months the crying had really tapered off . . . but in the past week I have cried enought to make up for any lack of October and November. It is just SO hard and SO painful. I miss Chad more than I could ever even begin to describe. My heart breaks for my dear children.
Last Saturday Noah had a good break down. He cried and cried and told me he wishes we could just skip Christmas this year and that he wants to die and go Home to be with Daddy. Oh, how my heart broke. I couldn't hug, nor hold him tight enough. Sweet baby . . . 10 years old and carrying a weight SO much larger than he.
If you were to look back to the winter months of last year, my journals would read the same as Noah's wishes . . . 'Lord, can't there be Carbon Monoxide in our house and all four of us just wake up in Heaven with Chad? . . . Please Lord! Get us out of this misery!' Perhaps you think that means we have little faith. You can think what you like . . . judge away if that makes you feel better. It just meant that my heart broke more than I ever dreamed it could . . . I understand little Noah! Bless him, Lord. Please bless these precious children this Christmas and help us all to celebrate even when the pain is just so great.
I have much to say . . . I have Blogs begun that will BLOW YOU AWAY :-) . . well, they'll give you something to think about . . .but right now I am just working to get the kids and I through this holiday AND keep up with the CD orders . . . there are waiting lists all over this area, and I have envelopes addressed and ready to fly out of here . . .but NO CD'S!!!!! I am not too happy with UPS right now! They were supposed to be on my doorstep last Friday (It is now Tuesday morning). A terrible snow storm kept them away . . . I understand that. Nothing we can do about that. However . . .they SHOULD have been delivered yesterday and were not.
So, today, my dear friend Christy is driving to Saginaw to PICK THEM UP and begin delivering them to all the bookstores that are out and then will bring them back here so we can begin stuffing envelopes and filling the last of the order.
Just a quick note - you can now digitally download the song on CD BABY - so if you are waiting on a CD to arrive, and need a 'temporary fix' . . . that is an option. If you are waiting - I am SO very sorry . . . this has truly been out of my control!
Blessings to you all this Christmas season! May the Lord give sweetness to your Christmas festivities . . . even if, and especially when, they may be seasoned with pain!
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