Breathe In, Breathe Out

Ah, Friends! There is a stirring within me today! These are the days when I love to blog . . . when the stirring hits I love to share with you what it is that is mulling deep within me. Today it all starts with . . . a hat! Yep, you read right . . . a hat.

I went shopping with a couple girlfriends yesterday and I bought myself a new hat. Now, those of you who know the ‘everyday’ Sarah know that the ‘dolled up’ Sarah you see on my album covers, in concert, in interviews, etc . . . is NOT the real me J. Nah, I often run around town with no make-up on and my hair pulled back. . . OR . . . in a hat. (Good thing about all that, right now, is that Practice begs me not to get ‘dolled up’ . . .he likes the plain ol’ me best.) Anyhow, yesterday I bought a new hat b/c not long after Chad died I lost my very favorite hat, so my supply has been a bit lacking.

My new hat has a saying on it . . . I bet that some of you have seen this saying and this brand. The hat says, “Life is Good.” I love it. Always have. I am a ‘cup half full’ kind of girl and I love a cute little logo that basically tells the world that the cup is half full.

Only problem is . . . Is that while I do believe, somewhere deep inside, that life IS inherently good . . . I also know that there are days, and seasons, and times . . . when life just really and truly doesn’t seem good.

I am taken back to January 13^th, 2008. Just three short months after Chad died AND the day after Abbi’s 12^th birthday. I remember the preacher teaching about Jeremiah 29:11 that day. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you hope and a future.” Well, friends, IF that is true . . . then life IS good, right? Well, I was tormented by that that day! To me, as Sarah Schieber . . . walking through the hell of grief . . . Life was NOT good! You see, to me, I knew that I served a God who was big enough to breathe the life BACK INTO my husband on the south Chicago street on October 7^th! That would be hope and a future . . . at least in my mind! I just could not see through, or past, or around the pain of the grief. How could God have good plans for me . . . for us . . . and yet let this happen? This is my journal to my Lord on that day . . . it is long . . .but PLEASE stick with me . . . it will be worth it!

O God, I am so confused . . . I hate church right now . . .hate it! I am so mad at You! Do you know how horrible that feels? I feel like a whiner and complainer – like I should just be able to throw my arms up in praise to You . . .because I know all the Christian answers . .. but right now none of this feels o.k.! NONE of it! Yesterday someone told me – ‘just look forward – not backward.’ What is that supposed to mean – that I just forget Chad? Sure, we’ll just forget him as we celebrate Abbi’s 12^th birthday without her daddy there. I feel so guilty at church – for being angry with you. For knowing the answers but not feeling them – or for that matter – even wanting them! God – I am SO angry at you! You are God – why didn’t you save him? Why do we have to go through this? Why have you forsaken me? I feel like this must be punishment. Do you love me? Everyone wants to know – what’s happening with the music? Screw the music! I just want Chad back! Please keep working is spite of me! Please help me . . . I don’t want to be angry at you . . . it is so hard when from the pulpit you hear “if you’re depressed . . . come be prayed for.” No! This doesn’t work this way! There is NO magic ‘God’ answer’ to this one! It is so hard to know how to walk through the grief with grace. How do you go through the stages of grief – the anger . . . with grace? I don’t want to hear that God’s gonna make it o.k.! Damn it! This is NOT o.k.! How could You possibly have thought that this was o.k.? Huh, God! How! There is an expectation that God makes everything o.k. – so therefore I should be getting better. How do I season that with walking out faith AND grief?

Ah, as I clutch Chad’s bible to my bosom, the song ‘Be Still and know that I am God.” Stillness . . . that is what I need – not the stillness of quiet – God knows that I have enough of that – but the stillness of the Spirit ~ please God, continue to ‘float’ me in a bubble of peace.

Still

My spirit

Still my mind

Still

My emotions

Still

My broken heart

Still

The storm

I cry out – where does my help come from? It comes from God. Still, still, still! Please God, may I know the stillness of who You are! Please, through my pain, anger, confusion – please may I know . . . Still!

There seem to be moments of breakthrough. I should know this by now – that when the waves and winds and confusion seem to be the worst – be escalating – that that is when You speak. That is when You cut through with Your knife of revelation . . . perhaps that is when we steal away. But even with Chad and I - You moved and cut through when the waters seemed to be getting highest.

There is no ‘pat’ answer for my storm. There is no formula that can be given from the pulpit. This storm is too big. This is not your typical storm. This is a tsunami – the wall of grief is a force of its own. I cannot fight it. There is no ‘christian-ese’ or ‘God formula’ for it. I must go with it. I must feel every bit of it. But - in it and through it I will know STILL. That doesn’t mean the weeping is bad, or the questioning. It just means ‘still’ in the midst of the storm.

I am exhausted! What is stillness? It is knowing that it all will be o.k. – even when you can’t see. Even when you question.

Huh! What a sweet gift I have in my journals. What a documentary of the grief of a young family grappling with HUGE questions!

You know, the truth about life is that sometimes . . . there just are NO answers for the storms! As Christians, I think we want to just be able to put a verse or saying on the storms of life and expect them to ‘fall into line’ with right thinking. Well, friends, THAT is not reality!

It is out of these storms that a very precious song on The Long October Road was birthed. It was out of the reality that sometimes . . . there just ARE NO answers to the stroms of life! Maybe today you are walking through reality . . . death, financial hardship, health issues, infertility, divorce . . . storms that leave you with no answers AND an aching heart! I would like you to hear a clip from the song Breathe In, Breathe Out.

The night I met my producer, Paul Marino, he left our dinner meeting and went home. Unable to sleep, he went to his computer and began to read all he could about Chad, me, all that had happened (if you google Chad Schieber you get thousands of articles, etc. . ), and my ministry. He went to my website and on the homepage there was a quote. It said, “Some days we just breathe.” Right there and then Paul began to write this song.

Job 3:25 & 26 says, What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil.” You know what, friends? If we are going to quote Jeremiah 29:11 . . . then we also need to be able to quote Job 3! You see, REAL life would suggest that life is NOT always good. Fortunately . . . GOD IS!

Practice is Perfect!

Oh, my dear friends ~

I have some ABSOLUTLEY WONDERFUL news! Practice has asked to become Perfect . . . and I have answered with a resounding “YES!!!!!!”

Yes, friends, Practice and I are engaged! We will be married the end of this summer in a very small and intimate ceremony that will celebrate the glory of ALL that God has restored to us and our children.

This past Friday evening Jim and I had the evening to have a date (with six children, two careers, two houses, etc . . . finding alone time can be a job in itself.) Anyhow, it was a warm, lovely evening and we had planned to go to his favorite haunt for pizza, then head back to his house on the farm to sit on the front porch and watch the sunset. He was running a little late after work and by the time we could leave to get pizza the sun was already beginning to set.

Jim owns some property that has a lake on it that they call ‘the pit.’ I had not been out to the pit yet, so we decided to head up to the pit to watch the sunset and then head to get pizza from there. We had such a wonderful time walking around the banks of the water, just walking, talking, holding hands and enjoying quiet time together. It was absolutely beautiful! So quiet! When you have always lived in a city – the quiet of the country is pretty amazing! The sounds of nature are incredible and I absolutely love it out there. Anyhow, it was out there, in that beautiful setting, that Jim got down on one knee and asked if I will be his wife.

It will be an honor! I am so in awe of God for His sustaining power in each of our lives . . . we have both emerged from such deep, deep pain. I am so in awe of God for His promises that are so true . . . as Romans 8:28 promises us that, “all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” My friends – that is what Jim and I represent in each others’ lives . . . that is what our marriage and new family represent to these six babies who have walked through pain that no adult should have to walk through. I pray, THAT is what our marriage will represent to anyone watching from near or far . . . that God IS good and His promises ARE true and He truly DOES redeem our suffering!

I have had an idea that this was coming . . . and about a week ago I penned the following blog . . . but felt that it gave too much away, and therefore I waited to post it until I could officially announce our engagement. But I would like you to see the emotion of all that we are walking through . . . there is SO much good! SO much! But the pain of losing Chad will never, ever go away . . . and so . . . I give to you the mixed emotion of widowhood, remarriage, and starting over ~

The past few days I have been in a funk. Just a plain ol’ good ol’ FUNK! It bothers me when I am like this – as I am generally a very upbeat person. So, when the funk comes I tend to begin to analyze . . . ask questions and try to figure out the ‘why’ of the funk. A year ago there was no question . . . it was an unending, penetrating, inescapable ‘funk.’ Well . . . a never ending weeping is more like it. But now, these days, the smile has returned to my heart and to our life . . . and while there are still days and moments that I weep for my beloved Chad . . . those moments do not define my days . .. our days . . as they did one year ago.

So, it has really caused me to take notice and ask “why?” Why this funk. I have finally figured it out. I share this with you so that you can follow the continuation of this journey. I pray that none of you will ever have to endure the horrible grief, shock, and pain that we have. But, unfortunately, the reality is that some of you will. I pray that my journey will encourage you. And so, I share with you my heart.

The smile HAS returned deep within my heart. And while so much of it is nothing short of the glory and faithfulness of God . . . this smile has a name. Many of you know that the name on this smile is Practice. If, at this point, you are confused . . . then please read back to my Valentine’s Day blog and it will fill you in. Anyhow, Practice has put a smile deep in the parts of my heart that I thought might always remain dark and painful. And, while loving Practice takes NOTHING away from loving Chad, it most certainly has taken the sting out of a life of lost love.

As Practice and I journey further into a life together . .. and as discussions of a life together begin to turn to reality. . . reality itself begins to set in. You see . . . I truly long for nothing more right now than a life with this wonderful man that God has brought into my life. The reality is that if Practice and I had TRIED to make this happen . . . if we had gone looking for one another . . . we never would have found each other. Our relationship IS a picture of the grace and mercy and glory of God our Father.

But there is another reality in all of this . . . as we discuss what a life together may look like . . . a sweet, new beginning will mean a certain ending. It is the door closing on my life with Chad. Not of our love, or our memories of one of the most incredible men to ever live, or of one of the greatest gifts God ever gave me . . . no, it does not mean an ending to those. But, it does mean an ending to our life together.

It means selling my house – the house that I will never forget finding . . . it wasn’t even for sale. One thing led to another and we signed the papers to sell our first home (the one we had all three of our babies at) at seven O’clock on a Thursday evening, got a babysitter and at nine O’clock that evening Chad leaned against a ladder in the basement of this house and began to weep. He pulled me in to his arms and said, “THIS is our ‘forever home.’ “ Huh. . . our ‘forever home.’

It means leaving the canopy of this dear, dear city that embraced us and loved us and poured out love to us in such tangible and meaningful ways after Chad died. In a way, I look forward to the anonymity of a new town . . . and I will CERTAINLY be in Midland often . . . but the memories here are sweet and many. It will, to be honest, be nice to jog down a road that doesn’t have a memory of running there with Chad – those memories are just too painful. There is a relief in starting over . . . getting out from under being “Chad’s widow.” It is such an honor to have been his wife and to be his widow . . . but in time, it also becomes a label that we cannot escape. I hope and pray you can understand that and not judge me for my truthfulness to you.

You see, the reality of our lives is that we have HAD to create a new life. We have had NO choice. Our choice would have been for none of this to ever happen . . . but it did.

I have LONG believed that God redeems our suffering. The Word of God PROMISES that He will take the bad that happens in our lives and make good out of it. That is the love of God at work in our lives! That is God’s goodness to us.

Now, enter . . . Practice. My suffering redeemed. His suffering redeemed. That is what we are to one another. Never could I have imagined that God would restore to me . . . love. Deep love! Perhaps a deeper love than I have ever, ever experienced . . . why? Because I know what it is to lose that love and I plan to savor and capture EVERY moment of it! I have told Practice that I WILL memorize every contour of his body . . . and I will . . . because I know what it is to bury that body with whom you are one and to have to walk away and NEVER, EVER see or touch or feel again. And so, I WILL memorize every contour of his body. I will cherish every moment I have with him. I will know who it is to be ‘Sarah,’ and will be ‘Sarah’ very well. For, I have learned who I am as ‘me’ and how to be independent and how to take care of myself. But, I will be so happy to be cared for again, and cherished again, and I will be so happy to settle in to being half of one. I will be so humbled to be a wife again. And so, I do believe that I will love more deeply than ever before . . . because I know the sting of losing the very love of my life. I WILL cherish every moment I have to be Mrs. Practice! I will praise God for His restoration and I will be faithful with the calling of ‘wife.’

The Chris Tomlin/Louie Giglio song Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone), has a verse I just love! I used to sit at the grave and weep as I rewound the song to play this verse over and over and over . . . it says:

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures

I would listen to that over and over and over and beg God to please let that be true in my life – as I sat there staring at my husband’s grave. The song goes on to say:

My chains are gone
I’ve been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace

Unending love . . . that is what Chad and I had. Our love will NEVER end . . . and in many ways, it will shine brightly through Practice and I because I am who I am because of Chad and the love that we shared. But, while our love will never end . . . this chapter of our life WILL. And, as one chapter ends and a new one begins, there may be days of ‘funk.’ Days where the excitement and joy of ALL of the good that God has brought to my life right now is dimmed a bit by the fact that a very sweet and beautiful and wonderful and blessed chapter of my life is ending. I guess, my friends, this is what they call the circle of life.

Thank you!

Thank you to all of my readers! I am often amazed at your comments! You have truly blessed me by your comments from my last blog!

I want you all to know that God is so good and big and faithful and I am so happy that you can see that in my writings! Please hang in here with me for a couple more weeks . . . there is BIG news to come and I can't wait to share with you all!

I am having a small 'procedure' done on Friday (varicose veins) and will have some down time over the weekend - I hope to update you all about Micah and Mary . . perhaps a bit about Practice (are you all wondering?) . . . and more about the life in general. I have some ADORABLE pictures of Micah and Mary . . .but I have never put a picture on here . . . so, that might just take my entire weekend!!!!

Blessings to you all . . and THANK YOU so much for your sweet comments - I TRULY appreciate them!

Sarah

Yachting . . . Times Two!

Well Friends! I would like to share with you a bit more about our journey through grief. This will be a look into both the ‘past’ of the grief and the ‘present.’

Last April we happened to be in Florida this exact week. A dear, dear friend of mine lived in the Keys during the winter and when she found out we were going to be in Florida, she asked if I would come down to Marathon Key and do a concert at their church. I took six months off after Chad died, and the concert in the Keys was my first concert ‘back.’ The concert was on April 6th, and it just so happened that April 7th marked the six month anniversary of Chad’s death.

At the concert that night, there was a very sweet man named Captain Jim who asked if we would all (there were eight of ‘us’ there) like to spend the next day out on his 52 foot yacht. Would we? My heavens! Those of us who live in Michigan RARELY (if ever) get the chance to spend a day out on the ocean in a yacht! Yes, yes, and again . . . yes!

You know . . . there are days along the way . . . on this journey I call grief . . . that are significant. Days that no matter how you look at them, or which direction you come at them, they are ‘big.’ The six month anniversary was one of those days. It represented a ‘half way’ point. Everyone would tell me that if we could just get through the first year . . . through all the firsts . . . that we would make it. Yet, there in that month, we were still facing such deep, deep grief. The pain was still SO relentless. It just felt like we would NEVER get to a year!

Now enter . . . the yacht! Monday morning, April 7th, 2008 . . . we all walked up the plank and onto our first taste of new . . . AND good! Oh, we had had a lot of new . . . but this day would be our first taste of new AND good mixed together. It would be a sign that someday we would be happy again. . . even without our beloved. It was our first look at laughing and making new memories . . . . GOOD memories. . . without our precious daddy. This day would be SUCH a blessing!

We spent most of the day out on the yacht. Captain Jim and his wife Jo were so gracious and hospitable. Others had joined us for the day, as well. But honestly – all I remember is me and my babies smiling and having the time of our lives!

I spent most of the day out on the bow of the boat (I hope that’s what it is called and how you spell it) with my sister, sister-in-law, best friend Hillary, and my Mime’s (the one who asked us to come down to sing.) We laid in the sun out there ALL day . . . and marveled at the unbelievable color of the water in the Keys. Captain Jim would anchor the boat along the way and we would jump in and swim around in the ocean. The kids all jumped off the boat from high atop the back deck (I think about a 15 foot jump.) We had a lovely lunch out on the water and spent some time driving through the canals and gawking at the mansions and the yachts.

We had to head back in according to the tide and if I recall correctly, we had to be in around 2:30 in the afternoon – or else we would have to stay out until evening. I will never forget as we were heading in . . . our trip about to end . . . someone spotted a family of dolphins off in the distance. Captain Jim whipped that boat around and off we went in the direction of the dolphins! It was two adults and a baby dolphin. Right there in the middle of all that water those dolphins danced around the yacht like they were putting on a show for us. It was absolutely thrilling! What a sight to see. Not the dolphins . . .the smiles on my children’s faces as their eyes danced with glee for the first time since their daddy died. What a precious gift from our Heavenly Father . . . and Chad!

Well, by the time Captain Jim headed back in through the channel – he was kickin’ up dirt in his prop the entire way. As we went through the channel we saw sting rays go flying through the water as the boat went by. We said our goodbyes and went on our way. Jim and Jo said that if we ever got back down their way to let them know and we would go back out on the yacht.

We went home to continue our journey through grief. You know, the ‘going home’ was always difficult. I will NEVER forget the first ‘going home.’ It was, may I be blunt? Hell! Going home knowing that Chad would never be there again was absolute Hell! I will never forget the second ‘going home.’ We had been in Nashville and when we got home it would be our first night in our house alone – just the kids and I. Again, Hell.

Well, this time was no different . . . except that we had had a taste . . . a small picture or glimpse into the fact that someday . . . eventually. . . we would laugh again and, yes, even be happy again. We had been given a window into someday. We had been given hope along our journey.

Now fast forward one whole year . . . When I got to thinking that we were going to be in Miami all this week it occurred to me that we wouldn’t be too far from Marathon and that maybe . . . just maybe we could see Captain Jim and Jo. I sent an e-mail and before I knew it the plans were all made. We drove down there (about 3 hours from where we are staying) Tuesday night . . . ironically . . . April 7th. The 18 month anniversary of Chad’s death. Yesterday, we spent the ENTIRE day out on the yacht. Once again . . . it was an absolutely delightful day. Fishing, swimming with the fish on a reef, snorkeling, and yes, once again . . . dolphins! This time not only did they dance for us – but they swam right with the boat! It was just wonderful.

It never ceases to amaze me how there are no strangers in the body of Christ. . . just family. Captain Jim and Jo are wonderful people (as well as the others who joined in for the day and are truly family, as well – we love you Gay Ann, Robin, and Kirsten!) who love the Lord and love people and will forever be near and dear friends of ours. We may only connect a couple times a year ~ but they are a highlight of our year and some of our favorite people in the world.

There was one major difference this year. While the day on the yacht was much the same as the year before . . . WE are not. You see ~ last year the family on that yacht was broken and wounded and limping along without the biggest part of their body . . . trying desperately to figure out how to walk on without that part. Last year ~ we had a small glimpse into the future . . . into happiness . . . into what life might someday be like.

This year . . . we are living ‘someday.’ We ARE happy. This year, we have learned how to stand on our own, NEW, two feet and what that looks like and what that feels like. This year we didn’t make a first memory . . . we continued along this journey called our healing process.

Oh, please don’t get me wrong . . . each and every day we miss Chad. There is not a day that goes by that we don’t think of him, talk about him, and dearly, dearly miss him. But the reality in our lives is that we HAD to heal. That broken, wounded family of April 7th, 2008 HAD to give way to the ‘living again’ family of April 8th, 2009. I am so thankful for our days on the yacht, for Captain Jim and Jo, and for time . . . which truly does take some of the sting out of grief.

If you are walking some sort of journey today that is long and painful – please rest in the fact that GOD IS FAITHFUL! He is so loving and kind and will give you ‘glimpses’ along your way. Please be looking for them! God is our healer . . . and while time really helps . . . God is the balm. Psalm 46:1 says, “God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.”

Thank you, Father, for being my refuge and strength . . . and for yachting . . . times two!

Still Here!!!!!

Hi All -

I am so sorry for the long absence from blogging! Life has been going full speed - and sometimes the blog just keeps getting put off.

I wanted to let you all know that tomorrow (Friday, April 3rd) is the official release date of the first 'single' from my new album ~ The Long October Road! The song is called "Wishin' Time Away," and is an awesome song that seems to be most people's favorite song off the album (those who have heard it.) The process of releasing a song is VERY long and is more like running a marathon - definitely not a sprint! It may take weeks for the programmers to actually decide that they will play the song - then even longer for the listeners to hear the song. IF you hear the song on your local radio, PLEASE call or e-mail your station and ask them to play it more. But, please don't call out of the blue to ask for it . . .the programmers DO NOT like that!

Also - will you please pray over this very special song - that it will have God's favor all over it. Please pray that as the programmers listen - that they will have a sense of God's presence and anointing and that they will KNOW that this is a song that will powerfully touch their listener's lives!!!!!!! Please join me in prayer for the success of "Wishin' Time Away."

Also - just so you all know . . . we are still busy working on a brand new website . . . the cover art and design of the CD cover/case . . . and working to schedule concerts.

The kids and I are in South Florida for the next 10 days! What a blessing. It is a working vacation for me. I was at Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church yesterday - the church of the former D. James Kennedy. They have a radio station and a very dear lady named Leslie Hurst interviewed me. We then spent the afternoon together having lunch and getting to know one another. It was a very sweet time.

Tonight we drive to Fort Myers to introduce the song on a big station over there tomorrow morning! I am so excited to share this powerful song with listeners all over the country!!!!!!

I need to buy a new camera - ours is broken - and once I do I will work to put pictures on my blog. You can see my babies and keep up with our vacation.

Do any of you remember WAY back at the beginning of my blogging days when I told you that Micah and Mary are in love? Well - stay tuned for the continuation of that love story . . . and many, many pictures of the two of them down here on the beach!!!!!

Blessings to you all!
Sarah

You’re About To Get A Lecture!

I recently heard a comment that literally made me sick! I heard about a wife who told her husband to do his own laundry because she does enough for herself and their three kids. I, honestly, was stunned and heart- broken for that dear husband and truly could not believe that a wife would do such a thing. I would say that I am sorry if I am stepping on your toes – but I’m not. And – if I’m stepping on your toes, then GOOD! Listen up!

You know, I grew up in a Christian home. I also grew up in a broken home. I didn’t know what a godly marriage should look like. Neither did Chad. I shared with the ladies out in Virginia last weekend that I actually think that was a blessing. Because neither of us knew what it should look like, we set out to be purposeful about figuring it out. We worked VERY hard to learn about what God wanted for our marriage and what it should look like from His perspective.

I certainly had no idea what God’s purpose for marriage is. Guess what I thought it was? To have sex! Yep! There you have it! I thought that the purpose of marriage was to have sex! Fortunately, I was set straight along the way!

There is a book that literally changed my life. It changed who I was as a Christian woman, who I was as a wife, and in turn – it transformed our marriage. The book is called, “The Excellent Wife,” by Martha Peace. In this book I learned that God’s ultimate goal for marriage is that we operate in such oneness as a couple (unity) that we become a magnet for unbelievers. Let me put it simply . . . .by loving one another with Christ-like love we make God look awesome to the ‘world’ and they want what we have! It sounds simple . . . but we all know if it was, there would be no divorce.

What sickened me about this wife’s comment was the brazen selfishness behind it. Any marriage being driven by that type of attitude is destined to fail, and indeed, that one did. When we love one another as Christ loves us it must be a completely selfless love.

We must train ourselves not to ask the questions “what can I get out of this?” or “what is my spouse doing for me?” And begin to ask questions like “how can I serve my spouse today?” and “what can I do to fill him/her up today?” Unfortunately, we live in a world where we are bombarded with selfishness! Becoming selfless is NOT easy! Everywhere we turn there are messages “Have it your way,” “your way right away,” “If it feels good, do it.” EVERYWHERE we turn we are taught to be selfish. That is why in 1 Timothy 4:7 the word teaches us to, “discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness.” The New Testament Greek word for discipline is gymnazo which means “to exercise or to train.” Martha Peace writes that, “how godly we become depends on how hard we work at it. Old habits of sinful thoughts and RESPNONSES do not just disappear. They have to be replaced with new, godly ways of thinking and responding.”

My friends, some day – when I have finished the book, “The Long October Road,” I will write a book about marriage. Chad and I studied, IN DEPTH, a concept that Martha Peace introduces in the book. This concept is that the Trinity is the perfect model of marriage. You see, the Trinity is three separate entities working in perfect unity. A marriage should have God the Father as the head of the marriage, the Husband as Christ – who SERVES the church and therefore glorifies God, and the wife as the Holy Spirit who SERVES Christ and the Father and therefore glorifies God.

Our world has completely lied to us about the roles within marriage. We emasculate men. Men are commanded in the Bible to be the head of the home as Christ is the head of the church. If you cut an animal’s head off . . . what will happen? The body will die! My friends – if we don’t let men be men – let them be the head . . . the body (family) will die! Men! You are to be the cornerstone and foundation of your home by keeping your relationship with Christ in line! In that same breath – men are commanded to be a head as Christ is a head . . . Christ did not lead by power . . . he led by being a servant! The biggest servant in EVERY home should be the husband/father. Serve God, serve your wife, serve your kids . . . everything else will fall in line. There is no place for ‘self’ in a godly husband.

One of the most beautiful things about a godly husband – and one of the things that I missed most after Chad died – is that in Ephesians 5:28, husbands are commanded to “Nourish, protect, and cherish her as Christ does the Church.” Nourish means to bring your wife up to maturity – literally, the husband is to help his wife grow in Christ. Cherish means to keep warm, cherish with tender love and to foster with tender care. A biblical example is that husbands are commanded to cherish their wives as a piece of ‘fine china.’ Wow! What if every husband REALLY cherished their wives like that? A husband is to be a ‘covering’ over his wife – spiritually and physically – and THAT, my friends, is what I found to be so hard after Chad died was to not have his spiritual and physical covering!

Not only do we emasculate men, but we teach women to be LIKE men and to take the power and that submission is a bad thing – a sign of weakness! BULL! Let me set you straight, sisters! Submission, in a godly marriage, is actually a position of strength and respect! In Genesis 2:18 God says that Adam’s “aloneness” is not good – so He makes for Him a “helper suitable.” The Hebrew word “helper” there literally means “help, helper, STAFF, STRENGTH.” It is the same meaning as in Exodus 18:4 “my father’s God was my helper.” And Deuteronomy 33:29, “He is your shield and helper and your glorious sword.” See, as young women we have somehow been fed the lie – that it is in some way a bad thing – a sign of weakness – to be our husband’s “helper.” When, in reality – it is a sign of strength. We need to take that back - to claim our Godly inheritance as our husband‘s staff and strength!!!!

Now, let me caution you, ladies, that this is a big responsibility and NOT to be taken lightly! It does NOT mean that we manipulate our husbands to do what WE want. It means that just as the Holy Spirit is a ‘counselor’ and ‘guide’ AND ‘intercedes on our behalf,’ so we have a responsibility to give wise and godly counsel to our husbands AND to be the absolute best wife we can be and serve him by praying for him! Truly – praying for your husband is the greatest calling and honor of a wife! Some of the characteristics of the Holy Spirit in Scripture are ~ encourager, He warns (husbands – listen to your wives!), He speaks the truth, He is a counselor, and He is a teacher. This is a beautiful description of a wife!

So, my friends, now go back to the beginning of this lecture (sorry!) . . . . a wife who tells her husband to do his own laundry because she does enough with her and the kids! Self, self, and MORE SELF!!!!!! It should be an honor for a wife to do her husband’s laundry – even if she HATES doing laundry.

Guess what? I bet Jesus hated dying on the cross for my sins but He did it willingly! That, my friends is the perfect example of how we should serve one another in marriage!

We’re moving!

Up. . . .that is! :-)

As I write this morning, I am sitting next to a marble fireplace in the Marriot Hotel in Williamsburg, Virginia. I am here to speak, sing, and help lead worship at a huge women’s retreat called Discover the Joy. They have over 500 women registered, who will all begin arriving today. My dear friends in ministry, Paula Stitt (who wrote many of the songs on my Gratitude CD) and Lisa Beals, are here with me. We did this same conference a few years ago. The keynote speaker is Evelyn Husband. Evelyn’s husband was the captain of the shuttle that disintegrated upon reentry into our atmosphere. Little could I have known when we first met Evelyn as a new widow, that soon her story would be mine, as well. It is amazing what time reveals, isn’t it?

I am so excited to share with you ALL that is happening on the music front! The Long October Road album is very near completion! We will release the first song, called “Run,” to radio in just a couple of weeks. My radio promoter, Wendell Gafford, of Creative Promotions, fully expects “Run” to chart in the top ten on the national Christian charts . . . will you be bold with me and ask God to put “Run” at number one!!!!!???????

We will “Officially Release” the album on May 29th at Christian Celebration Center in Midland, Michigan. That is my home church. The concert will be sponsored by Family Life Radio and will be free to the public. I really want to ‘give’ this concert to my home community as a thank you for all of their love and support over the past 17 months. If you live anywhere nearby – PLEASE plan to attend! It will be a wonderful celebration of God’s faithfulness . . . plus, there might just be some GREAT music!!!!!

May I be blunt? This new album, The Long October Road, is amazing! The people in the ‘know’ in the music industry are blown away by it. They are amazed by the transparency of it. The songs are deep and true to what I have been through – yet the album as a whole has an uplifting feel. Wendell said he has not heard an album this good in YEARS (and he is NOT one to ‘fluff’ a !!!!! I am truly, truly SO thankful to the Lord for His faithfulness in this. My goal as we started writing the album last August was to accurately portray - and remain true to the transparency of our grief journey – but not end up with a depressing album. I wanted to have songs that radio would ‘eat up,’ but also have songs that remain true to who I am as an artist. This album is a beautiful blend of the two – and for that I am SO thankful.

The month of May will be a HUGE month. I think I have about seven appearances (concerts and/or speaking) scheduled – one of which is in Colorado – and all building up to the release on the 29th. As you can see, my schedule is filling up quickly. If you are interested in a concert, or in having me speak, please contact me through my website, www.sarahschieber.com and I will forward your info to my booking agent.

One thing that I am WILDLY excited about is that I have been invited to speak and sing in San Diego, California in July, for the 1st Annual National Conference on Widowhood! Wow! I am so excited. They are expecting 2,000 widows from all across the world, gathering to support, uplift, and love one another. This isn’t an event marked by grieving. The goal of the conference is to give hope and encouragement to widows in every stage of their widow’s walk. I can already tell that this is going to be a wonderful weekend. If you are a widow, or know one, please pass this information along. I will soon have a link up on my website to their site with all of the info about the conference!

Also, I have just been invited to speak and sing in Texas in September . . . at Chuck Swindoll’s church! Holy moly!!!!!!! Chuck Swindoll! It is for a Mom2mom women’s event. I hope to be able to plan a ‘Texas Tour’ around that booking – so if you are reading this and live in Texas – I would love to come sing at your church – please get in touch with me.

So, what has been, for years, a local ministry, is now becoming national. It is very exciting to sit back and watch God at work. It is very exciting to sit back and watch it grow.

There is no end to the work involved right now. My mind never stops ‘noodle-ing’ all of this (a term Chad and I penned after reading the book, “Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti.”) We are launching a whole new, fully comprehensive website very soon. It will still be the same web address – just a whole new look. We are working on a promo video that will be available to watch through my website that will tell people all about my ministry. We continue to work on the design (please pray for my graphic designer, Michael Buckingham of Holy Cow Creative) of the CD cover and layout of the inside of the CD. AND – I continue to write the book. It both blesses me AND stresses me . . . but I really believe that STRESS IS HIGHLY OVERRATED (right Marni?) . . . .so, I choose to live in the blessing of writing the book!

Wendell Gafford, my radio promoter, has come on board as my manager and ministry consultant! This is absolutely wonderful and amazing! His specialty is in marketing and he is deeply steeped in the music industry. His contacts and knowledge of the industry are such a blessing to me and my ministry. I am so grateful for the opportunity to work with Wendell.

Two of my very best friends, Collette and Marni, have also come on board to tag team my booking and to work together to keep me moving forward. You have to know that I am COMPLETELY the flighty musician! I am very good at being on stage and all of the ‘artistic’ work of writing and singing. I am TERRIBLE, however, at the business end. Just tell me where to go and what I need to do. In fact, to be quite honest, I had NO idea where I was going this weekend until my sister-in-law told me on Wednesday, the day before I left, that I was going to Williamsburg. I knew I was going to Virginia – and that was good enough for me. I had NO idea where in Virginia! Isn’t that funny? That is just how I am wired. All of the business details and the details of maintaining the technical end of this ministry (MySpace, Facebook, blogging, etc . . . ) absolutely make me want to go curl up in my bed in the fetal position!

So, I am very thankful to have a wonderful team of people surrounding me who keep me moving forward AND to help me cast vision for the future. One thing is clear, my friends, the future of Sarah Schieber, Inc. is very bright. I am very excited about the doors that God is opening. Perhaps sometime next week I will talk to you all about what my message is. I feel that I have a very strong and distinct message to tell the world! I would love to share it with you!

And, in ending this blog, just let me tell you that Practice is wonderful. Practice gets better and better every day. I am truly in awe of God. I had the very best for 15 years of my life. I never thought I would have it again, and now, here is Practice. The very best . . . again. God must really love me, and for that I am grateful beyond words!

Blessings All! Thanks for reading my blog!

His Daddy's Voice

Well, My Friends! I began a blog about three days ago about ALL the wonderful things that are happening on the music front these days . . . that blog remains partly written for another day. . . perhaps tomorrow or the next day. There are SO many wonderful new developments on the music front that I can’t wait to tell you about!

Tonight,though, I need to share with you something that just happened. We have had a wonderful weekend. Yesterday we spent all day out at the farm (Practice’s house.) His son turned seven and we had a birthday party and we got to meet the ENTIRE family. It was fun and wonderful and very enjoyable.

Today Abbi had a swim meet and Practice and his kids came. Again, we had a wonderful time and it is fun to see these kids bonding. It is also wonderful to continue to grow in friendship with Practice. He is a wonderful man. Each day that we spend together and each of the ‘everyday life’ situations that we face just continue to confirm to us that we are very well matched.

Tonight, though, my kids and I needed to discuss something that had happened earlier in the day. There was a little miscommunication between Micah and Practice and we needed to discuss the matter. As Abbi, Noah, Micah and I sat talking, I brought up Practice’s voice. It is deep and strong and to be very honest, I prayed for a man with a nice voice (it was on the ‘list’) and I got it! I love his voice! But it is different than Chad’s voice, and therefore is different than we are used to.

As we were talking I said, “Jim’s voice is different than Daddy’s voice, isn’t it?” To which my dear, sweet, eight-year-old Micah said, “I don’t remember Daddy’s voice.”

“What? You don’t remember Daddy’s voice?” Oh my! Stunned! Oh, my baby! I think somewhere deep inside of me I knew this day would come . . . I have thought from time to time that I should get out our family videos and we should watch them . . . but, honestly, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I knew that, of all three of my kids, Micah would be the one that we would have to work the hardest with to keep his Daddy’s memory alive. He was only six when Chad died. I have felt that I have a responsibility to Micah to keep Chad’s memory alive for him - to really work at it – and while we talk about Chad ALL the time - clearly that is not enough. This poor baby doesn’t remember his daddy’s voice. Oh, Jesus, please help us!

And so, right there, we all began crying. I grabbed Micah and pulled him into me. I was just weeping and telling him how sorry I was. I grabbed my cell phone and told Abbi not to answer her's and I called it and put it up to Micah’s ear . . . so he could hear the message that answers Abbi’s phone (which used to be Chad’s number) and for the first time in almost 17 months Micah heard his daddy’s voice as Chad’s message said, “This is Chad Schieber from Lifeshield Child Safety Products. Sorry I can’t take your call right now but if you’ll leave your name, number, and a brief message I’ll get back with you just as soon as I can. Thank you.” I played it over and over for him as we sat there crying together.

How in the world could I have missed this? How could I not have thought about this? How many times have we all been taken aback when we've called Abbi only to hear Chad’s voice on the other end? How many times has my dear sister-in-law Missy told me that she had once again called Abbi and gotten Chad’s message and wound up bawling? How could I not have thought about this precious baby who has not heard his Daddy’s voice in SEVENTEEN months!

Oh, my God! Please be with little Micah. Lord, please help this baby to remember his daddy. Please cement every memory of Chad that lives within this little boy! Keep them clear and vivid, Lord. Please work a miracle within Micah’s little memory.

Rest assured that in the next couple weeks I WILL be figuring out how to play all those old family videos. I promised that little boy that I will figure out how to make all those little black 8mm tapes work on our TV and that we will watch lots of videos of his Daddy!

Valentines Times Two

Will there ever be an end to the confusion of grief?

Today I awoke to a wonderful text from a wonderful man asking me to be his Valentine? I slept last night in this man's sweatshirt that smells like him, and every time I woke up I would thank God for sending me Practice (a name I will explain in a bit.)

I texted him back and replied that I will be his Valentine for always and forever and then . . . the tears began to stream . . . a trickle at first and then the dam broke! Cry and cry and cry! And then I remembered that last year I took a rose out to the grave and that this year I should probably do that, too. More tears!

I really thought this Valentine's Day would be filled with all joy. You see, I am just so thankful to our sweet Lord for His grace and kindness in bringing the kids and I Practice. Last Valentine's Day - my first without Chad and in the darkest days of my grief (four months after Chad's death) - was HORRIBLE!!!!! Absolutely terrible. Add insult to injury, I was working at a flower shop and was filling out cards to 'lovebirds' all day (PUKE!)

So, as the anticipation of this holiday has approached, it has not been with fear and trembling . . . but with gratefulness in my heart to God, and Practice. You see, I was not expecting this. In fact, I wasn't looking for it and I wasn't even sure I wanted it. I knew that to fall in love again would mean having to trust that my heart would not be ripped in two again. I had gotten myself to a place in the grieving process where I knew I was o.k. as ME. I didn't NEED anyone. The kids and I were operating in our 'new normal' (again, PUKE!) and I wasn't sure I wanted to put my heart out there knowing that if I fall in love again there are no guarantees that he won't die too. In fact, (I'm sure you are all smiling!) the guarantee is just the opposite . . . yep! At some point this one will die, too!

Then a friend asked me if I would be willing to try a blind date. Sure. Why not. I needed some practice if I was going to get back out there. I thought having someone to go to dinner with, or chat with at the end of the day, or go to a movie with would be fun.

Enter ‘Practice.’ (His real name is Jim, by the way.) He lives about 35 minutes from me and is a farmer. I know, I know . . . we ALL thought I would find some metro-sexual musician from Nashville, didn’t we? He is divorced (a biblical divorce on his end, for those of you already beginning to look down the end of your noses) with three children. Well, I had already informed the Lord (not long after Chad died) that I did NOT want a divorced man with three kids! Too much baggage! (Like I don’t come with an entire entourage of baggage . . . nice, Sarah!) And a farmer? They still have those these days! Yes, I can be a real, stuck-up snot sometimes. My pastor looked at me before this date and said, “Sarah! Farmers are wonderful people and they are VERY smart.” (He was right!)

So, I truly went on that first date just for practice. What I was NOT expecting was to fall in love.

Let’s be real now, folks. The first thing I noticed about Practice were his looks. (Maybe I should just leave it at that and let you figure out if they were good or bad . . . Nah!) I had certainly never been on a blind date and truly the most nerve wracking part of it was having NO idea what he looked like. Of course, there are pictures of me everywhere . . . so Practice knew what he was getting when he called to ask me out. He told me that he is bald and a mutual friend had informed me that he ‘wears it well.’ I had NO idea what to expect. Well, let me just tell you . . . he wears it VERY well. Practice is VERY good looking AND, this is girl talk now . . . guess what? When he took his coat off at dinner he had a short sleeve shirt on and guess what was under those short sleeves? VERY nice biceps :-) Well, I noticed those RIGHT off but tried hard not to let on.

And then this wonderful thing happened . . . we started to talk. We talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and haven’t stopped since. Some nights we talk on the phone for three or four hours. We are both exhausted because with six kids between us and two full-time jobs the only time to talk is late at night. A sacrifice I am willing to make :-).

The truth is . . . that not long after we started dating I began to realize that Practice had all of the qualities that I had been praying for since Chad died. Honestly, and I do mean honestly . . . I did not think I would ever find them again. Not all in one package. I thought I would have to compromise. I had had the very best already, and I was not willing to compromise, so I just figured I would be alone.

This week, as I was working on writing the book, I was reading through my journals. In December of 2007, just about eight weeks after Chad died I cried out to Chad in my despair and asked him to please send us someone who would love us. Someone who would love the WHOLE package . . . me, the kids, the ministry, AND our memories of Chad. Then I made a list and asked Chad to work with God to find this man. Practice has EVERY thing on the list! God is truly amazing!

On our first date, Practice looked at me during those hours and hours of talking and said, “I want you to know if we continue to date, that I understand that a part of your heart will always belong to Chad and that I will never try to change that or take that away.” I know that I began to fall in love with him right then and there.

He is kind and loving and wise and smart (yes, there is a difference between wise and smart!) He is a very good daddy and has wisdom in how he handles his babies and all that they have been through. He loves God and loves Christian music . . . especially this local girl from Midland now, I guess :-). And, have I mentioned the biceps?

Here we go, now. Here is me, being transparent with you . . . I was NOT prepared for how hard this would be! Practice has put a beaming, happy smile back in some deep, dark places. Places that I didn’t know if I would ever feel life in again. But the truth is . . . everyone says ‘just have fun.’ Well, that’s great when you are 17 or 20. That is when most people date, you know. A large part of those reading this blog probably dated when they were young and hopefully, will never have to date again. Well, let me tell you . . . this is NOT fun! You see, I am a wife. It is very deeply who I am. I was a good wife, a great one, maybe, and I loved every minute of it. I know how to do it! To now have to go back and be a girlfriend is both frustrating and painful. You see, I know what it is to lie in a man’s arms all night long. To be held and caressed and snuggled so close. And now, night after night we must say goodbye and leave one another’s arms. That hurts.

One of the most fascinating parts of all of this is that I am finding that the ‘wife’ parts of me that died the day Chad died are coming back to life. I want to cook for him and clean his house and help him plan birthday parties and . . . I want to pray and pray and pray for him (the MOST important role of a wife, by the way.) It is clear to me . . . and perhaps a discussion for a different blog . . . that there IS a distinction between wife and mother. While they may go hand in hand, they are two VERY different roles.

Oh, don’t get me wrong . . . it is fun! Today we get to spend the entire day together and I absolutely cannot wait! All EIGHT of us. The six kids and Jim and I. (His kids are wonderful, by the way.) How wonderful! The kids adore one another. We continue to pray that God will lead and guide and direct us and that He will continue to confirm all of this through these precious children . . . and He does.

But dating at 37 and 34 with six children watching every move . . . six children who, themselves, have all been through enormous hurt and upheaval in their lives . . . is not fun . . . it is terrifying! There is no ‘manual’ written on how to do this (please don’t start sending me books . . . I don’t have time to read. I would be open to the Cliff’s Note version via e-mail, though :-)) As a mama and a daddy – our hearts long to do this right so that we make this as easy as we can for the babies. There is nothing ‘normal’ about ‘us.’ We are not 20 year olds trying to find our way through college and wondering who to go to the next big game with. We are thirty-somethings with kids and careers and our own homes we are trying to maintain and extensive friendships and the list can go on and on.

And then add into it . . . Chad. My beloved. And on this Valentine’s Day 2009 . . . I am SO very, very thankful that there is a new smile in my heart named Practice . . . but at the moment that Practice texted me at 6:38 this morning and asked me to be his Valentine . . . the tears began to roll. The reality is, I will NEVER stop grieving Chad. No matter who or what comes into my life. No matter what joys come in the future . . . Practice was right, back on that first date . . . There IS a part of my heart that will always belong to Chad. It will always mourn the loss of what I THOUGHT was going to be my life. I am thankful for hope and new beginnings, but I will always be sad for what ISN’t. It is all very confusing deep inside. How can I weep for one man and long to be in the arms of another?

Practice called, and I was crying, and he listened and loved on me and told me he’ll get here just as soon as he can . . . and the truth is . . . today, I think I get to have TWO Valentine’s . . . one here on Earth . . . and one in Heaven. I love you, Practice! I love you, Chad!

FEELING Trust!

I wish I could say that I KNEW that this would happen. The truth is, I TRUSTED that it would . . . . I HOPED and PRAYED that it would . . . but if I am to be totally honest with you . . . I don’t think I can say that I KNEW it would happen.

None the less, I believe that I am living in the place where old and new are colliding . . . and new is taking hold and running away with me. I feel that I am standing on a precipice, really. I stand at the place where happiness, not joy, but happiness has crept back in and hope for a good future is now reality - not just trust.

Joy is unconditional. It is a promise of having the Spirit of God alive within us. It is not dependent upon our lives or the circumstances of them. One of the most painful and often confusing aspects of having walked through grief was the knowledge that happiness IS situational. That bothered me. I am, by nature, a very happy person. I choose to view the cup half full not half empty. I didn’t like not being happy. I didn’t like that my happiness could be dictated by circumstances in my life that were completely out of my control.

Today, I wonder if YOU have ever stood in this place? In the place that you trusted God for? In the place that you hoped and prayed for but never actually knew if it would happen? Have you ever been here, my friends?

I guess that is the beautiful thing about trust. Trusting God really and truly goes back to a core of KNOWING that God truly wants the best for us.

Maybe the hardest part of trusting God does not lie in trusting Him – but lies in not trusting ourselves. You see, I can want something so badly that it hurts . . . but that doesn’t mean that it is what is best for me. God knows that. So sometimes I struggle in the actual ‘asking’ for what I want . . . . and calling that ‘trusting’ . . . . when what I want might actually be hurtful to myself or my family down the road . . . and GOD KNOWS THAT!!!!! (I could go into an entire dissertation now about the true meaning of prayer . . . a laundry list of our wants OR a sweet fellowship and communion with our Savior?)

Maybe that is where that sometimes constant struggle within ourselves comes from. I know what I want but it might not be what is best. I know what I would like to see happen, but only time will tell. That is a rather precarious place to be, my friends. And so, it all comes back to trusting that God knows and wants what is best in our lives and there is a choice . . . I will bring this back to me now . . . I have a choice to either trust Him and ‘rest’ and not fret . . . or be a wreck.

Honestly? Sometimes I AM a wreck! Sometimes I just can’t see past the end of my nose . . . or I’m PMS’ing  . . . or I am not taking it all to the Lord CONSTANTLY!!!!!!! But, usually, at the end of being a wreck I figure out that truly, the only place I want to live is in trusting Him, and I find my way back to resting.

So, today I find myself beginning the climb out of this dark valley of grief . . . well! That is not true at all! I am not beginning my climb – for that happened on October 7th, 2007. No, today I find myself NEAR the very top of the mountain. You know how sometimes when you watch rock climbers . . . when they get to the very top there is a lip they must go around or a patch of snow or ice they must get around to actually get to the top? THAT is where I am at. It is not all clear. Actually . . . there are MANY questions! I am trying not to be a wreck in all of those questions . . . but in those questions lies the place where the grief of the past and the hope of the future collide.

This is the place of God’s promises. This is the place where quoting Jeremiah 29:11 on the darkest day of your life, and telling your kids that God is good and we are choosing to trust Him JUST after telling them that their daddy is dead, and resting in Him for months when the questions go unanswered . . . .begin to merge with the knowledge that FEELING and TRUSTING are two very different things and today, the things that I could truly only TRUST for a very long time are now things I FEEL!