I wish I could say that I KNEW that this would happen. The truth is, I TRUSTED that it would . . . . I HOPED and PRAYED that it would . . . but if I am to be totally honest with you . . . I don’t think I can say that I KNEW it would happen.
None the less, I believe that I am living in the place where old and new are colliding . . . and new is taking hold and running away with me. I feel that I am standing on a precipice, really. I stand at the place where happiness, not joy, but happiness has crept back in and hope for a good future is now reality - not just trust.
Joy is unconditional. It is a promise of having the Spirit of God alive within us. It is not dependent upon our lives or the circumstances of them. One of the most painful and often confusing aspects of having walked through grief was the knowledge that happiness IS situational. That bothered me. I am, by nature, a very happy person. I choose to view the cup half full not half empty. I didn’t like not being happy. I didn’t like that my happiness could be dictated by circumstances in my life that were completely out of my control.
Today, I wonder if YOU have ever stood in this place? In the place that you trusted God for? In the place that you hoped and prayed for but never actually knew if it would happen? Have you ever been here, my friends?
I guess that is the beautiful thing about trust. Trusting God really and truly goes back to a core of KNOWING that God truly wants the best for us.
Maybe the hardest part of trusting God does not lie in trusting Him – but lies in not trusting ourselves. You see, I can want something so badly that it hurts . . . but that doesn’t mean that it is what is best for me. God knows that. So sometimes I struggle in the actual ‘asking’ for what I want . . . . and calling that ‘trusting’ . . . . when what I want might actually be hurtful to myself or my family down the road . . . and GOD KNOWS THAT!!!!! (I could go into an entire dissertation now about the true meaning of prayer . . . a laundry list of our wants OR a sweet fellowship and communion with our Savior?)
Maybe that is where that sometimes constant struggle within ourselves comes from. I know what I want but it might not be what is best. I know what I would like to see happen, but only time will tell. That is a rather precarious place to be, my friends. And so, it all comes back to trusting that God knows and wants what is best in our lives and there is a choice . . . I will bring this back to me now . . . I have a choice to either trust Him and ‘rest’ and not fret . . . or be a wreck.
Honestly? Sometimes I AM a wreck! Sometimes I just can’t see past the end of my nose . . . or I’m PMS’ing . . . or I am not taking it all to the Lord CONSTANTLY!!!!!!! But, usually, at the end of being a wreck I figure out that truly, the only place I want to live is in trusting Him, and I find my way back to resting.
So, today I find myself beginning the climb out of this dark valley of grief . . . well! That is not true at all! I am not beginning my climb – for that happened on October 7th, 2007. No, today I find myself NEAR the very top of the mountain. You know how sometimes when you watch rock climbers . . . when they get to the very top there is a lip they must go around or a patch of snow or ice they must get around to actually get to the top? THAT is where I am at. It is not all clear. Actually . . . there are MANY questions! I am trying not to be a wreck in all of those questions . . . but in those questions lies the place where the grief of the past and the hope of the future collide.
This is the place of God’s promises. This is the place where quoting Jeremiah 29:11 on the darkest day of your life, and telling your kids that God is good and we are choosing to trust Him JUST after telling them that their daddy is dead, and resting in Him for months when the questions go unanswered . . . .begin to merge with the knowledge that FEELING and TRUSTING are two very different things and today, the things that I could truly only TRUST for a very long time are now things I FEEL!
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5 comments:
I just wanted to tell you that this is a beautiful post. The way you write is just wonderful and there is so much meaning in your words.
I know I have told you this before, but I feel like I want to tell you again. Thank you so much for being 'Sarah' and for being so upfront and honest with me about this thing called grief. Thank you for sharing Sarah and Chad with me.Your words, your knowledge, your experiences and most of all your friendship has helped get me through the darkest time of my enitre life after losing Shawn. Thank you for 'walking' this with me.
As I've also said before I was very hesitant to meet you. I didn't want to pour my heart out to a 'stranger' even though you knew exactly what I was going through. I now know that you and I were supposed to meet and become friends. Even though I didn't know it at the time I believe that God sent me to you. I believe that God wanted us to meet and to become friends. Thank you to God for that!! He knows!!
So I wanted to tell you that this was a beautiful post. I also wanted to say "thank you" for helping me on my climb to the top of the mountain. I know I started my climb at 11:37 the morning of August 18th, but without you I don't know if I would be as far up the mountain as I am now, you have helped more than you know!.
I'm so glad that you are finding happiness once again!
I love you!
I love you TONS Jenny! God is so faithful to have brought the two of us together!!!!!!
I have to agree with Jen who said how beautifully way you wrote those thoughts. I needed to read those words; they echo what God has been telling me already and teaching me in my own walk with Him right now. Thanks for sharing dear friend and sister. Love, Paula
Sarah
Sometimes that is all we do is trust, I also wish we could get all of questions answered but then I think do I really want to know the answers or sometimes even the questions. I just know that God is in control all the time (easier typed than put into practice) but I know that I know that I know and sometimes that is all you get. I believe we are all on that mountain with you but at different points and yes looking back is helpful cuz you can see a glimpse of just how far you have came and looking ahead just gives you enough hope to take one more step. I have read your blog and now God has given you both the look back and the look forward and I know you can trust him. Know that I will be praying for you Kim
You are a beautiful person and an amazing example!
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