Friday, October 24, 2008

October 24th –

Today, I miss my beloved. Where did he go? Sometimes I still just can’t believe that this is our life. Chad Michael – wherever you are, watching over us today . . . please know that my heart breaks not having you here. I miss you so very much. You were my very best friend. You completed me. You made me want to be the very best I could be . . . the best wife, the best mama, the best believer. You inspired me. Your memory lives on in our hearts. I hate that! I wish you lived on . . . but, alas, you do not. I cannot change what is . . .

I can only choose to continue to live the best life I can. Knowing . . . that you are watching. That you are cheering us on! Knowing that all that was good in you will continue to live on through us.

We choose to glorify God. We choose to live! We ARE going on! I wish it was with you by my side. But I do not have a say in this. Lord, may You get the glory!

Next week we will begin the recording of The Long October Road. This is an entire ‘work’ that comes straight from my heart. From deep within my heart. It is my journey through grief put into song. It will be raw, real, and true. Yet, it will also be uplifting, encouraging, and offer hope to others who walk this road called life.

My very favorite song is one called “My Beloved.” It is my heart sung to my husband. It is straight out of my journals. It is the story of a young widow grappling with her faith, the future that has been dealt her that she does not want, and the raw emotion of wondering where her beloved has gone. I leave you with part of the lyric of “My Beloved.”

Where are you, my beloved?
Do you realize just how much my heart is bleedin’?
Why did you, have to fly away?
And leave me here to pick up all of the pieces. . . .
Up here in the balcony
I’m listening to the choir sing
Don’t have it in me now to praise
So I’ll just put on my best face . . .


Jen said...

Maybe we should have gotten together today. I had an "off" day myself.I missed Shawn a lot today, and thought about him almost constantly today. I even actually went and picked up my cell phone to call him, because I wanted to tell him something. Picked it up, remembered, then put it back down. Gosh, this whole thing really sucks! But like you said we are strong and they are watching and taking care of us.

When I went to Youngstown my friends put together a book of sayings for me I wanted to share this one with you, I'm not sure if you have seen this one or not...

"You can shed tears that he is gone,
Or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,
Or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him only that he is gone,
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what he'd want:
Smile, open your eyes, love and go on." By: David Harkins

I've read this everynight before I've gone to bed, it makes me cry every night, but at the same time makes me feel a little bit better.


Ginger said...

I just listened to "Christmas in Heaven". What a beautiful song-I can't wait to hear the rest. I love the way that I can understand every word you sing. It makes me sad that you are hurting, but it makes me pray for you more. Love you and miss you.