Thursday, May 7, 2009

A Funny Little Saying

It is a funny thing, this thing called ‘grief’ . . . .and, this thing they call ‘moving on.’

Yesterday, I cried ALL day! ALL day! Most of the day, Practice was here with me . . . and I still cried. We went out to lunch . . . and I cried. We came home and discussed wedding plans and moving plans and plans and plans and more plans . . . and I cried. He went home . . . and I wept and wept and wept all alone in my giant bed . . . missing my beloved.

I know what triggered the tears. Mother’s Day. Yesterday morning I ordered gifts for all the mothers in our lives . . . and all I could think was that if I don’t ask someone to take my kids shopping for me for Mother’s Day . . . that they won’t have anything to give me on that day. Now, please note – it is NOT about the gift . . . I could care less about getting a gift . . . but it IS important to my kids! And if we go giving all the other moms gifts and they realize they don’t have anything for me . . .that would crush them. And so, it hit me, that this is their daddy’s job . . . and he is dead. And the tears began and would not stop! I’m sure this is the plight of every ‘single mom’ across America and that many of you can relate.

I am so thankful for a new beloved. I love Practice more than I ever thought I could love another man. I am so truly, truly grateful to a loving God for sending me a new beloved and my babies a new daddy. I am so excited to have three MORE children to love . . . and so, something I spoke out of faith very early on in this journey has come to fruition. . .

I will never forget one evening about a year ago now. I had gone to a concert and while I was there I got ‘hit on.’ It wasn’t the first time – but I came home and said something about it to my kids – kind of jokingly. Well, I wound up with Noah begging me to get married (because he needed a new daddy - he is my very BLACK and WHITE child!) and the other two crying. I remember snuggling into bed that night with Abbi as she wept and told me she didn’t ever want a new daddy because she wanted everything to be exactly the same as down here on Earth - when we all get up to Heaven. I tried to explain to her that when and IF God ever chose to bring us a new daddy, that it didn’t mean we would have to stop loving OUR daddy. And I went on to tell her a story . . .

I told her about when she was a baby, and we found out we were pregnant for Noah. Chad and I wondered how we could ever love another baby the way we loved Abbi. It was scary, in a way. How in the world would we ever or could we ever have so much love for another child? And yet, we soon found out what every parent of multiple children finds out along the way – that we were not given just one dose of love that had to be divided . . . but our love grew.

I tried to assure Abbi that if God sent us a new daddy, that our love for Chad would never, ever change – but that God would give us more love to go around – more love to love a new daddy with. We would NEVER have to stop loving our daddy or love him ANY less! Never could I have imagined that not only would we get a new daddy – but three new babies to love, as well.

And so yesterday, as I am weeping alone in my bed, thinking of how much I miss Chad and yet how much I love Practice and his babies . . . I was reminded of that conversation . . . so steeped with bitter tears and pain for one of my babies . . . and I knew that what I has spoken to her that night IS indeed true.

And this, friends, is where the ‘moving on’ part comes into play. I believe that as it relates to grief . . . the statement is FALSE! You see . . . there I sat weeping for my old life while loving and embracing the new. The reality is . . . there is NO SUCH THING as ‘moving on’ as it relates to Chad. Each and every day of my life I have the pleasure of looking into the eyes of his precious children and seeing glimpses of him. Every day I hear one of them laugh, and I am reminded of him. My sweet little Noah is a servant through and through JUST like his daddy – and I am reminded of him. Abbi looks just like a ‘Schieber’ - and I am reminded of him. Micah has Chad’s constant ‘twinkle’ in his eye – and I am reminded of him.

Our hearts are growing – they are not ‘moving on.’ They never will ‘move on.’ Chad will always be my beloved. Practice will be too. My heart does not have to divide the love, Praise God! My heart gets a double portion and I can pour ALL of that sweet, sweet love into a new relationship and a giant new family. One that will be stronger and wiser and appreciated all the more BECAUSE of my first beloved. But, in NO WAY, are we moving on!

Practice was right, back on our first date . . . a part of my heart WILL always belong to Chad. . . and that’s o.k. . . . because my heart just keeps growing!


Jen said...

Gosh dang it I'm crying again!!!
(I know...I need to cry...I need to feel everything...Trust me I am!)

I remember the time when you told me this story. We were meeting for the second or third time and it was late October. (seems so long ago now) Anyways we were at Starbucks and I had asked you about falling in love again, because I didn't think it would ever be possible to love another man like I loved Shawn. I also told you a part of me was scared to ever fall in love again. You told me that when I was ready I would love again and as I sat in the chair crying you told me the exact same thing you told Abbi.

I remember I was sitting there listening to you with tears rolling down my face. Seven months later I still remember that conversation. That conversation has given me hope to love another man again one day. I know that Shawn will always be in my heart and I will always love him no matter what my future may hold.

Thank you for sharing this with me, thank you for sharing it with others as well.

I'm so sorry you had a hard day yesterday. I hate it when days like that sneak up on you. I hate this whole grief thing in general. It sucks!! However, I'm breathing in and out and walking through it the best way that I can.

I will see you tomorrow night at your concert.


I love ya!

Megan Reed said...

Sarah, thank you so much for your ministry. This grieving thing is so complex, and seeing it from your perspective brings me to my knees. God is using you in amazing ways!

You are in our prayers.

Shawna said...

Thank you for sharing.
You are such a strong woman and a true inspiration.

Ginger said...

God has blessed you with so much wisdom. Thank you for sharing it with the rest of us. It has helped me to look at things in a new way. Happy Mother's Day! You are an amazing mother.
Love, Ginger

Cheryl said...


Thank you for giving us an honest glimpse into your life. It is such a blessing to see a strong Christian woman as a role model as to how to live. Thank you for that.


Tricia said...

Hi Sarah,

There is a lady from my church that I think you would like to pray for... she was at my MOPS table last year. Her name is Susan Parrot. She has 5 children and is expecting her 6th child next week. Her husband was in an accident last week and is hanging on by a thread. Doctors say that it will be a miracle if he survives. She is having contractions and her Dr. is considering a c-sectin due to her stress and the stress on the baby. I can't begin to imagine what she and her kids are experiencing, but I know your heart would connect with hers and I wanted to see if you would pray for them. Thank you!

Kelly said...

This was so beautiful and explained so perfectly.

Best wishes to you!

Mouseymom said...

I had left a comment here on your blog about a family in our church and wanted to update you. There are now six little kids that are without a daddy. The baby was born just 3 days before his daddy died.

I do know that after the baby was born, the mom ( susan) brought the baby and laid him on her husbands chest.

the funeral is this friday. I cannot imagine the grief she is experiencing... with a week old baby none the less.

keep praying

Sunny said...

I mourned with you. I am sooo sorry. I feel your pain and it pains me sooo much. I go to your home church and I know you will do what's right and even though it's hard to know that God is faithful through tough times, he is still good and faithful. It is a funny little saying, I was in a storm of my own in my life and I literally cried all the time and I felt so depressed and sad and I definitly know how you feel even if you don't believe it.