Saturday, July 25, 2009

The Darker Side of Alone

Well Friends! I don’t know who flipped what switch . . . but today ALL of the planning . . . .the house, the wedding . . . everything got put into high gear! Holy moly! Fasten your seat belts and hold on tight!

Yesterday I took all six kids shopping and we got the boys their black dress pants and white shirts. I am having their ties made – they will match the girls dresses which are also being made by a friend of mine who has a degree in fashion and is AMAZING at this stuff! The dresses she designed are absolutely perfect! I also got the boys clothes for the reception and we got the girls all shoes to go with their amazing dresses.

After about two hours of phone calls this morning – confirming everything with the rental company, going over details for the wedding and ceremony with both my soon-to-be mother-in-law (who I absolutely adore, by the way!) and my dear friend and wedding planner (and booking agent for my ministry), Collette . . . after ALL of that –Marn and I set out to Starbuck’s and then to begin plotting the registry. I am having a bridal shower - we have asked that no one bring gifts to the wedding – so Marni and I spent the day today looking at all the stores in Midland for towels, bedding, etc . . . trying to figure out what to register for for the shower. Problem is . . . I don’t have all the colors nailed down for the house – which is completely torn up and in the process of being dry-walled right now. It has been amazing to watch the house go from the original, to stripped down to the studs, the space re-allocated and framed in, insulated, and now dry-walled! Anyhow – I am meeting with the interior designer on Tuesday to figure out all the color schemes, and will then go register! Ah, the pressure.

Then, Marni and I took five of our kids and shopped (after a good workout so that I look great on my wedding day) for Practice’s clothes for the reception and honeymoon. By the way – someone asked if his name is really Practice . . . and no, it is not. His real name is Jim – but we call him practice for the blog. Read back to the Valentine’s Day post and you will learn a bit more. (I actually call him Farmer . . . but that one is just for me!)

Tomorrow Practice and I will go get his suit for the ceremony, rent refrigerators for the reception food, go to pre-marital counseling, AND we hope to go pick out carpet and flooring for the house . . . then he needs to sleep a couple hours and heads into work to work a 12 hour night shift.

Next week I need to get his house ready for us to move into (remember me saying it is all torn up right now?????) Lots of cleaning and dusting to do - PLUS beginning the work to make room for an entire ‘other’ household to be brought over. The week after that . . . I will work to pack my house up. Then, the Tuesday before the wedding we will move (the kids and I will sleep in the guest bedroom of OUR house until the wedding day.) OH MY!

In the midst of ALL of that . . . I continue to wrestle with emotions! Yesterday was a tough day. Practice and I actually had two hours alone together. We went out to eat . . . and the emotion of all that is taking place came over me as we drove back to the farm for me to get in my van and drive the half-hour home to my house. I cried and cried and cried all the way home and went straight to the cemetery and wrote the following ~

Tonight I am acutely aware of the fact that there is a BIG difference between being o.k. with ‘being’ alone . . . and the ‘feeling’ of alone! Tonight, I feel completely alone. I am not! There are people who love me ALL around me . . . but NONE of them . . . not one of them. . . have been where I am at today. Three weeks from Saturday I will say ‘I do’ to the man of my prayers. I will become his wife. With two little words I will close an enormous chapter of my life. In one beautiful, intimate, worshipful ceremony before our closest family and friends – I will leave my life as I know it. I will leave my life with Chad. With that, I take my three children with me. I am so aware of the fact that they really have no say in this matter. For the past twenty two months their lives have had no stability. And now, I have made a choice that will remove them from ALL that they have left that is stable . . . but with that . . . I have made a choice that I believe will provide them with long term, lasting, ‘daddy’ stability! Something that I, as the mama, know that they all three need . . . and so . . . I have made a decision that I believe is best for not only myself . . . but for my babies, as well.

I am SO thankful for the new! So thankful that the new has a name and a face and arms to hold me and a life to build with me.

Yet, I find myself feeling alone and exposed as I leave everything I built with Chad. We built a wonderful life! I will do the same with Practice. I can’t wait to be Mrs. Practice . . .

But here I am . . . feeling so alone! How in the world can you want two different things SO badly all at the same time? How can you long for old and new all in one breath? How can you weep . . . yet rejoice at the very same time?

And so, I am aware . . . that the ‘feeling’ of alone . . .is tough. It is scary, and painful, and difficult. I . . . am . . . alone!

Today broke with an overwhelming feeling that in three short weeks all of this craziness WILL be done. In three short weeks I WILL be Mrs. Practice. In three short weeks I won’t have to drive home anymore . . . home will be in his arms at the end of every day!

I know there will still be times that I feel alone. When the feelings of missing Chad hit . . . I feel alone now matter who I am with or what I am doing. I don’t know if that will ever change. But at the end of all of that, I, will be Mrs. Practice . . . and that, my friends, is a wonderful thing! Thank you, Lord! Thank you!


Jen said...

It sure sounds like you have had a crazy busy last few days. I wonder if I missed you guys at Starabucks yesterday...I was there twice. I'm addicted to their ice coffee. (By the way thank you for getting me started on coffee!)

Isn't it funny how one minute we can be 'ok' with being 'alone' and then the next minute we are bawling our eyes out in the car. Actually, I don't think it is funny, I really hate when the grief sneaks up and smacks you in the face, especially when you are having a good day. As you and I know all to well life is not fair.

It also amazes me that I too can feel alone even when I'm surronded by a lot of people. I have great family and great friends, but yet there are times when I feel like I'm the only person in the room. I have never experienced this feeling before until Shawn died. On July 4th I was in Ytown with all of my friends having a great time. There were probably about 60 people at the house and we were watching the fireworks. Yet I sat in the dark shedding tears because I had that horrible sense of being alone wash over me. I wasn't...I was with friends who have loved and supported me the last 11 months, but it wasn't the same because I wasn't with Shawn, the one person I wanted more than life itself to be with.

As I read what you wrote yesterday I had tears in my eyes.(shocking I know...but you do say to cry!) While I was in Chicago I had a conversation with my friend about falling in love and finding real happines once again. I told her I was really excited and even starting to look forward to that happining. However, at the same time I told her that will mean that my life will be over as I have known it. (How I wanted our life to be ended on Aug 18, but I think you know what I mean)Even though I'm looking forward to the thoughts of a new man to love (not that I have come close to finding him yet)it is still so scary to want the new at the same time. Like you said, "How can you long for old, and new all in the same breath!" Here I sit just thinking these thoughts as I have yet to find the 'new man'. But with time I hope that I will. I can't even begin to imagine all you are feeling with getting married in three weeks.I know exactly how you feel with missing Chad, but not about being excited for so much 'new'.

I hope as the next few weeks roll by you will be filled with peace and happiness. I'm so excited and happy for you that you have found Practise, you deserve to be really truly happy again.

You and Jim are giving widows everywhere a little more hope. Especially the one widow in particular! :)

Once again thank you so much for becoming my friend. Thank you for meeting me on that cold October night just 6 weeks after Shawn died. You have given me so much strenght and encouragement ever since. You, Marni, and Collette have also helped be open up to God and I don't know if I can ever repay you for that as well. I'm so honored to have you as my friend.

Ok...I think we just need to get together for coffee one day. This 'comment' is just entirely to long. (yeah like you have time!!)

I will see you at church tomorrow!

I love you!!

ginger said...

I so enjoy reading your blog so I have a sense of where you are in life. I miss seeing you every week. Wish I could be there to help you wedding plan and move and everything. At least I get to see you on the big day!!!! Even though these next 3 weeks will be crazy, enjoy them. God has blessed you so much. See you soon! Love, Ginger

Jamison said...

Sarah AND Jen...I have absolutely no clue why both of your blogs have pulled me in as they have, but they have. Sarah, I met you in March and you made me realize that perhaps i took my precious Jamie for granted. Jen, I read your blog through Sarah's, and though I can't relate to what either of you have been through, I look forward to both of your updates all of the time, and I am so glad you have both shared your stories. Please know that I pray for both of you on a daily basis and I look forward to reading about the happily ever after stories that you will both have... You are both such beautiful women, and I know God will bless you both with abundant happiness.

Jen said...

I am so thrilled to hear that you are happy and getting married! What a blessing!! We have all been praying for this day to come for you.

I hope that you, Practice, and your kids all thrive in this new situation and maybe I will see you soon around Applebee's! Take care!


Kim said...

You are going to be great, you all are going to be great, I am not saying you won't have bumps along the way will work thru it and come out of it, I will be praying for everything, Kim

Anonymous said...

Sarah - From my family to yours, we wish you all much happiness, deserved happiness, abundant happiness. May God bless you all.

Jon, Emily, Tyler & Tanner Squires