Saturday, December 6, 2008

Some days . . . I cry.

Today, I cry. It has been a while since I have had a 'day' in which all I want to do is cry . . . but today, it has come around again.

I must say that at times my life just seems very overwhelming. It is hard to be both mama and daddy. I had to spank Noah today and I had to call the parents of Abbi's long time best friend to tell them that Abbi did not want to attend their child's birthday party because the girls are just not getting along. It is hard to parent by yourself. Chad and I always worked so beautifully as a team . . . I know he is here, cheering me on . . . but I long for him HERE . . . WITH me! A couple of Micah's birthday presents have broken and I need to take him to the store to look for replacements . . .but oh, how I long for a daddy for him to help a little boy pick appropriate little boy toys. I can and will do it . . . but that is what my heart feels.

Plus, there is laundry to be put away, laundry to be done, an invisible fence for the dog to be ordered, dishes to be done, a driveway to shovel, beds to be stripped and redressed, a swim meet to pack for, I need to unpack from TWO, yes, I said it . . TWO trips! . . . the list could go on and on . . .

I have been planning all week to decorate for Christmas today . . . I've even been excited to do so. Marni and I bought some new decorations yesterday and I've looked forward to this day. But now that it is here it just seems overwhelming. I look around the house and see so many HUGE and beautiful funeral plants and I don't know where the tree(s) will go this year and it just seems like such a BIG job.

Today - I would rather curl up in my big bed with a sappy movie than face my life. On top of all of that I have a long, long list of 'should do's' regarding my career . . . I'm not going to go into all that, though.

Sometimes I think that if I go to the grave and sit above the casket maybe, just maybe, I'll feel closer to him. Our life is moving on. . . we have a lot of happiness in our daily lives . . . we are finding the new normal. Yet, I still long for and miss the life I had planned. I long for and miss my beloved. . .

What amazes me is that in the midst of longing for Chad, I am also beginning to long for someone new. I know that I need to blog about this new adventure that will be 'dating' . . . but that is a discussion for another day and time. My heart does wonder, though, HOW can I long for what was and yet look forward to what may be? How can I weep for my husband all the while praying that somehow, someway, my sweet Heavenly Father will bring us a new husband and daddy?

Oh, the diversity of the emotion . . . this great big ball of emotions that we call grief! Alas . . . God is good. I trust Him for all of this!

Now, I'm going to light a fire with my sons and try to make sense of the boxes of Christmas decorations and all these blasted funeral plants! Blessings to you all . . . if you have not read the next blog entry down . . . please keep reading . . .it may just change your life!

12 comments:

Steph said...

Hi Sarah,

My name is Stephanie. I found your blog through Tyson's. I've been reading for a few weeks. I just haven't posted a comment.

I can totally relate to your post. I am in a similar place. I am 31 years old. The first of Dec. marked the second year since my husband passed away. I have a two and a half year old little boy.

I have a blog as well. After Keith died, it became a place for me to share my journey through grief.
Sometimes it helps me to know that there are others out there who I can relate to. It's not that I want to see other people hurting. It's just good to know that I'm not the only one. For what it's worth, it does get easier. . .

Stephanie
www.mccordfamilytx.blogspot.com

Sarah Schieber said...

Thank you, Stephanie! Blessings in your journey as well.
Sarah

Karen said...

Sarah,

I am sorry that it has been that kind of day. I know that there are no words that I can offer that will bring any real comfort. You are in my prayers, though.

blessings,
karen

Sarah Schieber said...

Thank you, Karen, for your prayers!

Kelly said...

Praying...So sorry about what happened to Micah at school. :o( Kids can be cruel.

Ang said...

Hi Sarah,
I pray with each day your family lives will get a little easier. God is always able. I know it's easy for me to say I haven't experienced what you have. My dad passed away almost 10 years ago and it seems like yesterday and until you experience loss before I could never relate to people and now I can. My husband is out of town 18-20 days a month and I sure could relate to what you said about being mama and daddy! That too was a comfort to me. So thank you ..If you can do it I can I. I will be praying!!

Jennifer said...

Sarah,
I found your blog through Jenny Coin's. I have been reading for awhile now! You are an amazing person with such a beautiful faith in our Lord! I am so sorry for the loss of your precious husband! I am keeping you in my prayers!

I experience my own loss this year...my precious Mom in April. I miss her so much and find myself feeling like you, I just want to cry. Thankfully I have my wonderful husband, and my boys, as well as the Lord to get me through!

I have to tell you how much I LOVE your song: Christmas in Heaven. I ordered 5 CD's. One for my brother, my father, my house, my car and ???. I was wondering...do you mind if I play it on my blog? I would be sure to give you the credit! If it is a copyright thing, no big deal, I will just comment on how much it touched me and put a link to it. Whatever is best for you! Thank you for the song that will forever remind me of my Mom and her new home in Heaven!
Also the post you wrote to Jenny was AMAZING! I have already shared it with so many. You are obviously a true blessing from above sent to her!

Jen

Paula S said...

Sarah,I'm praying for God's gifts of comfort, love, peace and hope to be yours today.

Courtney said...

Hi Sarah, I found your blog through Jenny's. I cannot imagine what you are going through, but I wanted to let you know that I will be praying for comfort for you and your beautiful children. Kids can be so cruel and I hope Micah and the other young child work it out.

E said...

Hi, I also have been reading your blog and thought I would step out and say hi. I have not lost my spouse as you have and cant imagine your pain. But I do have a life I didn't think would go the way it is. I have a child with special needs and I also have days that I cry. Thanks for sharing, you are an amazing Mom and you inspire me!

Mary Helen said...

hi sarah i love you so much . you are the best i am so excited because we might have a snow day tomorrow love mary

Corrine said...

I am so sorry for you loss, and all the mixed emotions that come with it. I can't even imagine. thanks for sharing your feelings.

May Heavenly Father continue to bless you in your struggles.