Greetings Friends ~
At about 10:30 this morning, after doing a radio interview with a station in Port Huron, Michigan, I sat down and began a blog. It is now over 12 hours later, and I have barely had time to breathe today - much less finish the blog.
I do believe this is what record companies are for, but alas, I am an indie artist - so the grunt work all falls on me . . . and my wonderful girlfriends who are with me around the clock right now! They are helping me return e-mails (they are flooding in from people around the country who are being touched by Christmas in Heaven), fill the constant stream of orders, answer the phone which is ringing off the hook with people wanting to stop in and pick some up or bookstores wondering if they can sell it, assisting with the many business details (like verifying bank accounts, e-mail programs that MAY NOT WORK when you need them too!!!!!!, etc .. ) . . .and the list can go on and on! These are truly SUCH WONDERFUL problems to have. I am very thankful.
What noone can help with is the fact that what I would really like to do is have the time to go curl up in my nice warm bed, clutching the flag that laid over Chad's casket and weep for my beloved whom I miss more than anyone could ever know. What noone can help with is the fact that at the end of all of this chaos and business that are my career going to new hieghts - my beloved is still dead and the reason that I get to sing this incredible song is because he is gone. What noone can help with is the fact that in the midst of all of this our hearts still break.
One of my children had a meltdown . . . absolute meltdown tonight! One came home sick today. One had a meltdown yesterday. We are dealing with some major issues, and there is no daddy here to help me. No partner to give me the perspective that I so desperately need right now. Noone to say 'Sarah, you are doing it right.' Well, that is not true . . . Marni and Christy and Missy all told me that today. But, I really want Chad to tell me that! I wish he was here. I need him! I want him! Sometimes I just don't know if I can do all this . . . And yet, in the midst of it all, as the tears stream down my face as I type this, I know that God is giving me a strength and a peace that truly come from Him!
Right when I need to know what to say as a parent . . . the words are there. Right when I need to make a decision as a business woman . . . the wisdom is there. At my weakest . . . the stregth wells up from inside. Right when I need a hand . . . someone is here to lend it. I just wish Chad was here.
Underlying everything . . . the excitement of hearing my song on the radio over and over and over . . . the thrill of seeing orders escalate day after day after day . . . the knowlege of knowing that today, and tomorrow, and the next day I will have the chance to be on both radio and television all across the country and encourage people that they CAN make it . . . underlying everything, my friend, is a constant thread of pain. A constant ache. A constant knowlege that this is our suffering being redeemed . . . even as the suffering continues.
I am thankful. God is good. God is faithful. I know and feel ALL of that tonight! I hold tight to Jesus and ask Him to PLEASE tell Chad I love him. . . and to please tell Chad how much we all miss him.
Blessings - and good night!