Good Day Faithful Readers!
I am so excited to tell you about the weekend I just had! I tried to write this blog while the weekend was actually happening . . . but I couldn’t figure out how to get onto the internet at my hotel (go figure!) Then, Marni suggested that I write it on the plane as we were flying home, which was a great idea, in theory. The only problem was that Marni talked me into letting her have one of my Zanex (anti-anxiety pill) and I spent the ENTIRE flight from California to Ohio trying to keep the woman from climbing the walls of the airplane! She completely LOST her mind. Suffice to say, there were moments I was laughing so hard I thought I would pee my pants . . . thank goodness I only took one Zanex and not my usual two – which puts me completely out! Had I done that I’m not sure who would have kept an eye on her!
Well, anyway! I spent this past weekend in San Diego, California at the 1st Annual National Conference on Widowhood. A mouthful, huh? Well! Let me tell you – what an incredible experience!
The idea for this conference was birthed out of a woman named Michele Neff Hernandez. Michele was widowed four years ago, very unexpectedly and at a pretty young age. She set out to interview other widows all over the United States to figure out what a widow was supposed to look like and be. How do you get through it? What does widowhood look like in our modern age? Who are we supposed to be?
What she found was that there is not one specific answer to these questions . . . and . . . that widows are a breed unto their own. They are strong, intelligent, amazing women. She began teaming up with other widows to support and uplift one another and along the way formed the WidowsBond website, the Widow Match program, and the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation.
Through all of that came the idea for this conference. There were 110 attendees and 25 speakers. I was blessed to be able to both speak and sing. This is a conference with no religious affiliation – so I was very excited to teach a seminar on how my faith has sustained me through my grief. When I began my presentation I explained that I am a born again Christian and that that was the premise of my talk. Two women got up and left! That was o.k.! The wonderful news is that two women came up to me afterward and told me that they have been so angry at God. . . .unable to pray or go to church. They were encouraged by my talk and were going to work on their relationships with Christ! THAT, my friends, is what it is all about!
There were women there from all walks of life! Many, MANY of them were young! What a gift to each of us . . . to find each other!
Friday evening there was a welcome reception. A very sweet young woman had just registered and turned around from the registration desk to find an empty hallway. Just then, I walked by. I could tell by the look in her eyes . . . she was so very, very lost. I introduced myself and asked her her name. Come to find out – she was widowed just three months ago. She had heard about the conference and came all by herself! My goodness! God bless her. At three months you have no idea which way is up . . . and here she stood! Wow! What an amazing woman. I met another woman that evening – with the sweetness of the Lord ALL over her. Her husband of many many years died unexpectedly just four months ago. She was a beautiful woman – both inside and out. Her daughters had brought her. How sweet to see a family clinging to one another as they grapple with the realities of this Earth.
So – what do YOU think, my friends? What does a widow look like to you? Have you ever thought about it? I sure have! I would love to hear your thoughts . . . so please let me know in the comments! When I say the word ‘widow,’ what image comes to your mind?
You know what’s funny? I still see a woman with white hair. Isn’t that weird? Here I am . . . a picture, myself, of a widow . . . but ‘me’ is not what I see.
What I see happening, today, is both a beautiful and a horrible thing . . . us younger widows are redefining widowhood! We are forming alliances and groups and support ALL over this world!
Oh yes, did I mention that there were women there from all across the globe? Friday afternoon began with a speaker’s luncheon. I sat a table with a doctor from Bagdad, Iraq! She was there to raise the plight of widows around the globe. There was another speaker there from Kenya. Hold on and fasten your seatbelts because what I am about to tell you is going to sicken you . . .
In many countries of this world, when you are widowed you are thought of as bad luck and you are then treated like the plague! In India, for example, when you are widowed they strip you of all rights and take your children away from you and place you in an area where all the widows go. Can you imagine? CAN you imagine? Oh my! I can’t! I got through my widowhood by clinging to Christ and my babies! How in the world would you make it through in a situation like that? My goodness!
A short conclusion to all of this . . . then I am off to take two cats to the vet (FUN!), clean my house, begin packing up my house to move in less than three weeks, AND . . . to keep working on wedding plans! Please check back almost daily right now! I think I will use the blog as a journal for the next few weeks as we countdown to the wedding! I am SO excited!!!!!
Well – you know that I have asked the question . . . what is a widow? I would like to tell you a discovery I had along the way this weekend . . . it is one I have had before . . . but was reconfirmed this weekend.
One of the greatest gifts that I will take away from my widowhood is gift of knowing the beauty of ‘alone.’ Last Friday I had to drive from L.A. to San Diego . . . alone. I had to deal with traffic, unfamiliar cities, and get checked into the hotel . . . alone. I had to figure out where to park my rental car, unload my luggage, and find the nearest Starbuck’s . . . alone. Thankfully . . . the Starbuck’s was right in the lobby of the hotel! What a relief!!!!! I had to get unpacked (yeah, right!), figure out what to wear to the speaker’s luncheon, and walk into a completely unfamiliar setting where I knew no one . . . alone! After the luncheon I went to the pool . . . alone. Later that day, I went shopping . . . alone.
You know what I have found? It is that while I love my friends and family . . . while I am so thankful for the gift of Practice and ALL that he has brought to my life . . . while I can’t believe the friend that I have been given in Marni (and a fabulous travel companion, by the way!) . . . I have found that I am o.k. . . . alone! I am alright . . . even great . . . as just ‘me!’ I can conquer the world . . . and drive through Los Angeles . . . .ALONE! I have found that there is not much I cannot do . . . alone! What a gift I have found in my widowhood!
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Saturday, July 11, 2009
A New 'Fit'
Well All ~
This morning I awoke to the sound of a beautiful rain right outside my window. I love to listen to rain, and even better – there was soon a soft rumble of thunder! Oh! Do I love that!
I came out to my living room to let Miah outside and the view across the back lawns of the neighborhood was breathtaking. A soft sun beginning to shine down on the wet, green grass; a subtle bit of hays lifting to the sky. The birds are singing and the entire neighborhood is alive with the sounds of nature.
We have lived here for over seven years and as I looked out over this lovely scene, it struck me. Five weeks from today I will marry the man of my prayers! In just 35 days I will have a new view to take in each morning. In just 35 days I will awake in the arms of a man each morning . . . a gift that far outweighs the beauty of ANY view (although, I must say that the view at the farm is breathtaking, as well! )
In five short weeks the entire course of our life will change, yet again. I am amazed as I watch all four of us . . . and yes, venture to say, even all eight of us . . . adapt to these changes. I will not speak for Practice and his sweet babies . . . only for me and mine.
Our life truly HAS been one big adjustment since the day Chad died. I can see the excitement in my baby’s eyes – the love that is growing in them for their new step daddy and his entire family. Yet, there is so much to adjust to. It is funny how they all adjust at different times. One struggled very early on but now seems very excited and fine. One has no qualms about it at all. And one is really struggling with it all today – excited for the new – but worried about starting at a new school and losing friends back here in Midland.
I am watching the adjustment my boys are making as they work to fit back into being ‘sons’ to a father. I never would have expected this. Chad and I have always been BIG disciplinarians! I tried to keep that up after he died – but the reality is that we just survived for SO many months. I can see now where my kids probably ‘self disciplined’ and took care of each other while I was busy grieving and oblivious to the world. On top of that – throw in the fact that there have been MANY men in and out of their lives for the past two years. Men who have spoken into them and been here for them – but not one of them would have disciplined them. (Not that I would have expected them to or wanted them to.) We all were just trying to keep them going . . . trying to fill in a void.
Now enter Practice. He is honestly one of the wisest men I have ever met. He is one of the best fathers I have ever watched. I am amazed as I watch how he handles his children – SO, SO differently than Chad and I would have handled ours . . . it is fascinating, as a woman, to be so intimately in-tune to two different men. I was once nuzzled under Chad’s covering and I will soon be nuzzled under Practice’s. I see, even now, that I am beginning to think more like Practice . . . and a little less like Chad. It is fascinating to be the wife of two men (not that I am his wife yet . . . but I can see the transition happening as the days tick down.) Well, that is a blog for a different day.
Back to the boys . . . where all these different men worked so hard to fill the void of one man . . . now God has sent one man to fill that void. Practice will be a covering over them, as well. One strong man to be the ‘head’ over us all. What a gift! What a sweet blessing from above. But now, we must all (even me, you know . . . I have become a VERY strong woman over the past 21 months!) ‘fit’ back under the covering of a daddy. I can see my boys testing that. I can see them wresting with it a bit. They are truly, truly sweet and wonderful little boys . . . but there is definitely some adjusting to do.
Please pray for Practice as he learns to be a daddy to three more babies! What a tall order! God must really think he is something else to entrust him with us! We need a ton of wisdom right now . . . but I can tell you. . . Practice really is something else! He is truly the man of my prayers!
Thank you, Jesus!
This morning I awoke to the sound of a beautiful rain right outside my window. I love to listen to rain, and even better – there was soon a soft rumble of thunder! Oh! Do I love that!
I came out to my living room to let Miah outside and the view across the back lawns of the neighborhood was breathtaking. A soft sun beginning to shine down on the wet, green grass; a subtle bit of hays lifting to the sky. The birds are singing and the entire neighborhood is alive with the sounds of nature.
We have lived here for over seven years and as I looked out over this lovely scene, it struck me. Five weeks from today I will marry the man of my prayers! In just 35 days I will have a new view to take in each morning. In just 35 days I will awake in the arms of a man each morning . . . a gift that far outweighs the beauty of ANY view (although, I must say that the view at the farm is breathtaking, as well! )
In five short weeks the entire course of our life will change, yet again. I am amazed as I watch all four of us . . . and yes, venture to say, even all eight of us . . . adapt to these changes. I will not speak for Practice and his sweet babies . . . only for me and mine.
Our life truly HAS been one big adjustment since the day Chad died. I can see the excitement in my baby’s eyes – the love that is growing in them for their new step daddy and his entire family. Yet, there is so much to adjust to. It is funny how they all adjust at different times. One struggled very early on but now seems very excited and fine. One has no qualms about it at all. And one is really struggling with it all today – excited for the new – but worried about starting at a new school and losing friends back here in Midland.
I am watching the adjustment my boys are making as they work to fit back into being ‘sons’ to a father. I never would have expected this. Chad and I have always been BIG disciplinarians! I tried to keep that up after he died – but the reality is that we just survived for SO many months. I can see now where my kids probably ‘self disciplined’ and took care of each other while I was busy grieving and oblivious to the world. On top of that – throw in the fact that there have been MANY men in and out of their lives for the past two years. Men who have spoken into them and been here for them – but not one of them would have disciplined them. (Not that I would have expected them to or wanted them to.) We all were just trying to keep them going . . . trying to fill in a void.
Now enter Practice. He is honestly one of the wisest men I have ever met. He is one of the best fathers I have ever watched. I am amazed as I watch how he handles his children – SO, SO differently than Chad and I would have handled ours . . . it is fascinating, as a woman, to be so intimately in-tune to two different men. I was once nuzzled under Chad’s covering and I will soon be nuzzled under Practice’s. I see, even now, that I am beginning to think more like Practice . . . and a little less like Chad. It is fascinating to be the wife of two men (not that I am his wife yet . . . but I can see the transition happening as the days tick down.) Well, that is a blog for a different day.
Back to the boys . . . where all these different men worked so hard to fill the void of one man . . . now God has sent one man to fill that void. Practice will be a covering over them, as well. One strong man to be the ‘head’ over us all. What a gift! What a sweet blessing from above. But now, we must all (even me, you know . . . I have become a VERY strong woman over the past 21 months!) ‘fit’ back under the covering of a daddy. I can see my boys testing that. I can see them wresting with it a bit. They are truly, truly sweet and wonderful little boys . . . but there is definitely some adjusting to do.
Please pray for Practice as he learns to be a daddy to three more babies! What a tall order! God must really think he is something else to entrust him with us! We need a ton of wisdom right now . . . but I can tell you. . . Practice really is something else! He is truly the man of my prayers!
Thank you, Jesus!
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Still
Greetings Friends!
I am so sorry it has been so long since my last post! Almost a month! I'm sure you may think I have dropped off the face of the Earth, thankfully, though - I have not!
The past month has been one of many struggles. Getting through the CD release was very difficult! I cried and cried and cried! There was just SO much emotion wrapped up in all of it - - - the keen awareness that none of it would have been happening had Chad not died.
Actually . . . that is the reality of ALL of my life right now. As Practice and I begin the transition into a life together . . . wedding plans, house plans, planning for 'our' future, etc . . . it is all seasoned with the awareness deep inside that this is ALL because we lost our beloved. How does one wrestle with that? (smile) I do not have that answer, my friends. One thing I have learned through all of this is to just take one day at a time. Matthew 6 tells us not to worry about tomorrow because tomorrow WILL worry about itself. I have found that to be so true. And so, I just work on getting through today. Some days are filled with so much new joy that I cry with gratitude to the Lord. Some are still laced with the deep bitterness of missing Chad. Each and every one of them are marked by God's continued faithfulness! He is SO good!
Practice is wonderful. 48 days until I get to be his wife . . . but, who's counting?
The biggest struggle of all this past month - and the main reason I have not blogged - is that I have been dealing with some pretty big health issues. The two weeks after the CD release concert were spent in bed. I have become very anemic (again) and my iron levels are VERY low. The purpose of iron in your blood is to carry oxygen to your brain, organs, and entire body. Normal levels are between 37 and 170. Mine is 12 - and I am struggling to keep that where it is without getting lower. There have been days where just walking from my bed to my kitchen (I live in a ranch house) has left me out of breath and struggling to get a good breath. My mind is foggy ALL the time and I struggle to just think straight (no jokes, please!!!!) Anyhow - all of that makes the little things in life seam pretty big some days.
We are working to get it all straightened out. I am taking an iron pill, have received two iron infusions (a four-hour IV of iron straight into my blood), I am doing homeopathic remedies that I have used before and work VERY well, AND tomorrow I begin a new regimen of Chinese Herbs from a specialist in Chicago. I have also seen a specialist here in Midland.
All of that to say - if you think of it, please pray for me! Some days I feel great! Others, I really struggle. I have two concerts and a radio appearance in the next three days and I am feeling very tired and weak! God is always faithful and will give me just what I need! THAT, my friends, is always true!
I will keep up better on this blogging . . . or shall I say . . . I sure will try!!!!
Blessings to you all - - - whatever journey you are on, my friends, keep holding tight to Jesus and keep on keeping on!
Blessings -
Sarah
I am so sorry it has been so long since my last post! Almost a month! I'm sure you may think I have dropped off the face of the Earth, thankfully, though - I have not!
The past month has been one of many struggles. Getting through the CD release was very difficult! I cried and cried and cried! There was just SO much emotion wrapped up in all of it - - - the keen awareness that none of it would have been happening had Chad not died.
Actually . . . that is the reality of ALL of my life right now. As Practice and I begin the transition into a life together . . . wedding plans, house plans, planning for 'our' future, etc . . . it is all seasoned with the awareness deep inside that this is ALL because we lost our beloved. How does one wrestle with that? (smile) I do not have that answer, my friends. One thing I have learned through all of this is to just take one day at a time. Matthew 6 tells us not to worry about tomorrow because tomorrow WILL worry about itself. I have found that to be so true. And so, I just work on getting through today. Some days are filled with so much new joy that I cry with gratitude to the Lord. Some are still laced with the deep bitterness of missing Chad. Each and every one of them are marked by God's continued faithfulness! He is SO good!
Practice is wonderful. 48 days until I get to be his wife . . . but, who's counting?
The biggest struggle of all this past month - and the main reason I have not blogged - is that I have been dealing with some pretty big health issues. The two weeks after the CD release concert were spent in bed. I have become very anemic (again) and my iron levels are VERY low. The purpose of iron in your blood is to carry oxygen to your brain, organs, and entire body. Normal levels are between 37 and 170. Mine is 12 - and I am struggling to keep that where it is without getting lower. There have been days where just walking from my bed to my kitchen (I live in a ranch house) has left me out of breath and struggling to get a good breath. My mind is foggy ALL the time and I struggle to just think straight (no jokes, please!!!!) Anyhow - all of that makes the little things in life seam pretty big some days.
We are working to get it all straightened out. I am taking an iron pill, have received two iron infusions (a four-hour IV of iron straight into my blood), I am doing homeopathic remedies that I have used before and work VERY well, AND tomorrow I begin a new regimen of Chinese Herbs from a specialist in Chicago. I have also seen a specialist here in Midland.
All of that to say - if you think of it, please pray for me! Some days I feel great! Others, I really struggle. I have two concerts and a radio appearance in the next three days and I am feeling very tired and weak! God is always faithful and will give me just what I need! THAT, my friends, is always true!
I will keep up better on this blogging . . . or shall I say . . . I sure will try!!!!
Blessings to you all - - - whatever journey you are on, my friends, keep holding tight to Jesus and keep on keeping on!
Blessings -
Sarah
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
CD REALEASE - MAY 29TH!!!!!!!
Good Day All!
I just wanted to invite anyone close by to PLEASE come to my CD Release Concert at Christian Celebration Center in Midland, MI on May 29th!
The concert will begin at 7:00 pm and is free . . . I really want to do this concert as a 'thank you' to everyone for their love and support throughout our journey!
PLEASE come out on the 29th for a celebration of ALL that God has done in our lives! It will be a wonderful evening!!!!! Invite all your friends and show up early . . . as the seats are sure to go fast! See you there!!!!!!
Blessings!
Sarah
I just wanted to invite anyone close by to PLEASE come to my CD Release Concert at Christian Celebration Center in Midland, MI on May 29th!
The concert will begin at 7:00 pm and is free . . . I really want to do this concert as a 'thank you' to everyone for their love and support throughout our journey!
PLEASE come out on the 29th for a celebration of ALL that God has done in our lives! It will be a wonderful evening!!!!! Invite all your friends and show up early . . . as the seats are sure to go fast! See you there!!!!!!
Blessings!
Sarah
Thursday, May 7, 2009
A Funny Little Saying
It is a funny thing, this thing called ‘grief’ . . . .and, this thing they call ‘moving on.’
Yesterday, I cried ALL day! ALL day! Most of the day, Practice was here with me . . . and I still cried. We went out to lunch . . . and I cried. We came home and discussed wedding plans and moving plans and plans and plans and more plans . . . and I cried. He went home . . . and I wept and wept and wept all alone in my giant bed . . . missing my beloved.
I know what triggered the tears. Mother’s Day. Yesterday morning I ordered gifts for all the mothers in our lives . . . and all I could think was that if I don’t ask someone to take my kids shopping for me for Mother’s Day . . . that they won’t have anything to give me on that day. Now, please note – it is NOT about the gift . . . I could care less about getting a gift . . . but it IS important to my kids! And if we go giving all the other moms gifts and they realize they don’t have anything for me . . .that would crush them. And so, it hit me, that this is their daddy’s job . . . and he is dead. And the tears began and would not stop! I’m sure this is the plight of every ‘single mom’ across America and that many of you can relate.
I am so thankful for a new beloved. I love Practice more than I ever thought I could love another man. I am so truly, truly grateful to a loving God for sending me a new beloved and my babies a new daddy. I am so excited to have three MORE children to love . . . and so, something I spoke out of faith very early on in this journey has come to fruition. . .
I will never forget one evening about a year ago now. I had gone to a concert and while I was there I got ‘hit on.’ It wasn’t the first time – but I came home and said something about it to my kids – kind of jokingly. Well, I wound up with Noah begging me to get married (because he needed a new daddy - he is my very BLACK and WHITE child!) and the other two crying. I remember snuggling into bed that night with Abbi as she wept and told me she didn’t ever want a new daddy because she wanted everything to be exactly the same as down here on Earth - when we all get up to Heaven. I tried to explain to her that when and IF God ever chose to bring us a new daddy, that it didn’t mean we would have to stop loving OUR daddy. And I went on to tell her a story . . .
I told her about when she was a baby, and we found out we were pregnant for Noah. Chad and I wondered how we could ever love another baby the way we loved Abbi. It was scary, in a way. How in the world would we ever or could we ever have so much love for another child? And yet, we soon found out what every parent of multiple children finds out along the way – that we were not given just one dose of love that had to be divided . . . but our love grew.
I tried to assure Abbi that if God sent us a new daddy, that our love for Chad would never, ever change – but that God would give us more love to go around – more love to love a new daddy with. We would NEVER have to stop loving our daddy or love him ANY less! Never could I have imagined that not only would we get a new daddy – but three new babies to love, as well.
And so yesterday, as I am weeping alone in my bed, thinking of how much I miss Chad and yet how much I love Practice and his babies . . . I was reminded of that conversation . . . so steeped with bitter tears and pain for one of my babies . . . and I knew that what I has spoken to her that night IS indeed true.
And this, friends, is where the ‘moving on’ part comes into play. I believe that as it relates to grief . . . the statement is FALSE! You see . . . there I sat weeping for my old life while loving and embracing the new. The reality is . . . there is NO SUCH THING as ‘moving on’ as it relates to Chad. Each and every day of my life I have the pleasure of looking into the eyes of his precious children and seeing glimpses of him. Every day I hear one of them laugh, and I am reminded of him. My sweet little Noah is a servant through and through JUST like his daddy – and I am reminded of him. Abbi looks just like a ‘Schieber’ - and I am reminded of him. Micah has Chad’s constant ‘twinkle’ in his eye – and I am reminded of him.
Our hearts are growing – they are not ‘moving on.’ They never will ‘move on.’ Chad will always be my beloved. Practice will be too. My heart does not have to divide the love, Praise God! My heart gets a double portion and I can pour ALL of that sweet, sweet love into a new relationship and a giant new family. One that will be stronger and wiser and appreciated all the more BECAUSE of my first beloved. But, in NO WAY, are we moving on!
Practice was right, back on our first date . . . a part of my heart WILL always belong to Chad. . . and that’s o.k. . . . because my heart just keeps growing!
Friday, May 1, 2009
Breathe In, Breathe Out
Ah, Friends! There is a stirring within me today! These are the days when I love to blog . . . when the stirring hits I love to share with you what it is that is mulling deep within me. Today it all starts with . . . a hat! Yep, you read right . . . a hat.
I went shopping with a couple girlfriends yesterday and I bought myself a new hat. Now, those of you who know the ‘everyday’ Sarah know that the ‘dolled up’ Sarah you see on my album covers, in concert, in interviews, etc . . . is NOT the real me J. Nah, I often run around town with no make-up on and my hair pulled back. . . OR . . . in a hat. (Good thing about all that, right now, is that Practice begs me not to get ‘dolled up’ . . .he likes the plain ol’ me best.) Anyhow, yesterday I bought a new hat b/c not long after Chad died I lost my very favorite hat, so my supply has been a bit lacking.
My new hat has a saying on it . . . I bet that some of you have seen this saying and this brand. The hat says, “Life is Good.” I love it. Always have. I am a ‘cup half full’ kind of girl and I love a cute little logo that basically tells the world that the cup is half full.
Only problem is . . . Is that while I do believe, somewhere deep inside, that life IS inherently good . . . I also know that there are days, and seasons, and times . . . when life just really and truly doesn’t seem good.
I am taken back to January 13th, 2008. Just three short months after Chad died AND the day after Abbi’s 12th birthday. I remember the preacher teaching about Jeremiah 29:11 that day. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you hope and a future.” Well, friends, IF that is true . . . then life IS good, right? Well, I was tormented by that that day! To me, as Sarah Schieber . . . walking through the hell of grief . . . Life was NOT good! You see, to me, I knew that I served a God who was big enough to breathe the life BACK INTO my husband on the south Chicago street on October 7th! That would be hope and a future . . . at least in my mind! I just could not see through, or past, or around the pain of the grief. How could God have good plans for me . . . for us . . . and yet let this happen? This is my journal to my Lord on that day . . . it is long . . .but PLEASE stick with me . . . it will be worth it!
O God, I am so confused . . . I hate church right now . . .hate it! I am so mad at You! Do you know how horrible that feels? I feel like a whiner and complainer – like I should just be able to throw my arms up in praise to You . . .because I know all the Christian answers . .. but right now none of this feels o.k.! NONE of it! Yesterday someone told me – ‘just look forward – not backward.’ What is that supposed to mean – that I just forget Chad? Sure, we’ll just forget him as we celebrate Abbi’s 12th birthday without her daddy there. I feel so guilty at church – for being angry with you. For knowing the answers but not feeling them – or for that matter – even wanting them! God – I am SO angry at you! You are God – why didn’t you save him? Why do we have to go through this? Why have you forsaken me? I feel like this must be punishment. Do you love me? Everyone wants to know – what’s happening with the music? Screw the music! I just want Chad back! Please keep working is spite of me! Please help me . . . I don’t want to be angry at you . . . it is so hard when from the pulpit you hear “if you’re depressed . . . come be prayed for.” No! This doesn’t work this way! There is NO magic ‘God’ answer’ to this one! It is so hard to know how to walk through the grief with grace. How do you go through the stages of grief – the anger . . . with grace? I don’t want to hear that God’s gonna make it o.k.! Damn it! This is NOT o.k.! How could You possibly have thought that this was o.k.? Huh, God! How! There is an expectation that God makes everything o.k. – so therefore I should be getting better. How do I season that with walking out faith AND grief?
Ah, as I clutch Chad’s bible to my bosom, the song ‘Be Still and know that I am God.” Stillness . . . that is what I need – not the stillness of quiet – God knows that I have enough of that – but the stillness of the Spirit ~ please God, continue to ‘float’ me in a bubble of peace.
Still
My spirit
Still my mind
Still
My emotions
Still
My broken heart
Still
The storm
There seem to be moments of breakthrough. I should know this by now – that when the waves and winds and confusion seem to be the worst – be escalating – that that is when You speak. That is when You cut through with Your knife of revelation . . . perhaps that is when we steal away. But even with Chad and I - You moved and cut through when the waters seemed to be getting highest.
There is no ‘pat’ answer for my storm. There is no formula that can be given from the pulpit. This storm is too big. This is not your typical storm. This is a tsunami – the wall of grief is a force of its own. I cannot fight it. There is no ‘christian-ese’ or ‘God formula’ for it. I must go with it. I must feel every bit of it. But - in it and through it I will know STILL. That doesn’t mean the weeping is bad, or the questioning. It just means ‘still’ in the midst of the storm.
I am exhausted! What is stillness? It is knowing that it all will be o.k. – even when you can’t see. Even when you question.
Huh! What a sweet gift I have in my journals. What a documentary of the grief of a young family grappling with HUGE questions!
You know, the truth about life is that sometimes . . . there just are NO answers for the storms! As Christians, I think we want to just be able to put a verse or saying on the storms of life and expect them to ‘fall into line’ with right thinking. Well, friends, THAT is not reality!
It is out of these storms that a very precious song on The Long October Road was birthed. It was out of the reality that sometimes . . . there just ARE NO answers to the stroms of life! Maybe today you are walking through reality . . . death, financial hardship, health issues, infertility, divorce . . . storms that leave you with no answers AND an aching heart! I would like you to hear a clip from the song Breathe In, Breathe Out.
The night I met my producer, Paul Marino, he left our dinner meeting and went home. Unable to sleep, he went to his computer and began to read all he could about Chad, me, all that had happened (if you google Chad Schieber you get thousands of articles, etc. . ), and my ministry. He went to my website and on the homepage there was a quote. It said, “Some days we just breathe.” Right there and then Paul began to write this song.
Job 3:25 & 26 says, What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil.” You know what, friends? If we are going to quote Jeremiah 29:11 . . . then we also need to be able to quote Job 3! You see, REAL life would suggest that life is NOT always good. Fortunately . . . GOD IS!
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Practice is Perfect!
Oh, my dear friends ~
I have some ABSOLUTLEY WONDERFUL news! Practice has asked to become Perfect . . . and I have answered with a resounding “YES!!!!!!”
Yes, friends, Practice and I are engaged! We will be married the end of this summer in a very small and intimate ceremony that will celebrate the glory of ALL that God has restored to us and our children.
This past Friday evening Jim and I had the evening to have a date (with six children, two careers, two houses, etc . . . finding alone time can be a job in itself.) Anyhow, it was a warm, lovely evening and we had planned to go to his favorite haunt for pizza, then head back to his house on the farm to sit on the front porch and watch the sunset. He was running a little late after work and by the time we could leave to get pizza the sun was already beginning to set.
Jim owns some property that has a lake on it that they call ‘the pit.’ I had not been out to the pit yet, so we decided to head up to the pit to watch the sunset and then head to get pizza from there. We had such a wonderful time walking around the banks of the water, just walking, talking, holding hands and enjoying quiet time together. It was absolutely beautiful! So quiet! When you have always lived in a city – the quiet of the country is pretty amazing! The sounds of nature are incredible and I absolutely love it out there. Anyhow, it was out there, in that beautiful setting, that Jim got down on one knee and asked if I will be his wife.
It will be an honor! I am so in awe of God for His sustaining power in each of our lives . . . we have both emerged from such deep, deep pain. I am so in awe of God for His promises that are so true . . . as Romans 8:28 promises us that, “all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” My friends – that is what Jim and I represent in each others’ lives . . . that is what our marriage and new family represent to these six babies who have walked through pain that no adult should have to walk through. I pray, THAT is what our marriage will represent to anyone watching from near or far . . . that God IS good and His promises ARE true and He truly DOES redeem our suffering!
I have had an idea that this was coming . . . and about a week ago I penned the following blog . . . but felt that it gave too much away, and therefore I waited to post it until I could officially announce our engagement. But I would like you to see the emotion of all that we are walking through . . . there is SO much good! SO much! But the pain of losing Chad will never, ever go away . . . and so . . . I give to you the mixed emotion of widowhood, remarriage, and starting over ~
The past few days I have been in a funk. Just a plain ol’ good ol’ FUNK! It bothers me when I am like this – as I am generally a very upbeat person. So, when the funk comes I tend to begin to analyze . . . ask questions and try to figure out the ‘why’ of the funk. A year ago there was no question . . . it was an unending, penetrating, inescapable ‘funk.’ Well . . . a never ending weeping is more like it. But now, these days, the smile has returned to my heart and to our life . . . and while there are still days and moments that I weep for my beloved Chad . . . those moments do not define my days . .. our days . . as they did one year ago.
So, it has really caused me to take notice and ask “why?” Why this funk. I have finally figured it out. I share this with you so that you can follow the continuation of this journey. I pray that none of you will ever have to endure the horrible grief, shock, and pain that we have. But, unfortunately, the reality is that some of you will. I pray that my journey will encourage you. And so, I share with you my heart.
The smile HAS returned deep within my heart. And while so much of it is nothing short of the glory and faithfulness of God . . . this smile has a name. Many of you know that the name on this smile is Practice. If, at this point, you are confused . . . then please read back to my Valentine’s Day blog and it will fill you in. Anyhow, Practice has put a smile deep in the parts of my heart that I thought might always remain dark and painful. And, while loving Practice takes NOTHING away from loving Chad, it most certainly has taken the sting out of a life of lost love.
As Practice and I journey further into a life together . .. and as discussions of a life together begin to turn to reality. . . reality itself begins to set in. You see . . . I truly long for nothing more right now than a life with this wonderful man that God has brought into my life. The reality is that if Practice and I had TRIED to make this happen . . . if we had gone looking for one another . . . we never would have found each other. Our relationship IS a picture of the grace and mercy and glory of God our Father.
But there is another reality in all of this . . . as we discuss what a life together may look like . . . a sweet, new beginning will mean a certain ending. It is the door closing on my life with Chad. Not of our love, or our memories of one of the most incredible men to ever live, or of one of the greatest gifts God ever gave me . . . no, it does not mean an ending to those. But, it does mean an ending to our life together.
It means selling my house – the house that I will never forget finding . . . it wasn’t even for sale. One thing led to another and we signed the papers to sell our first home (the one we had all three of our babies at) at seven O’clock on a Thursday evening, got a babysitter and at nine O’clock that evening Chad leaned against a ladder in the basement of this house and began to weep. He pulled me in to his arms and said, “THIS is our ‘forever home.’ “ Huh. . . our ‘forever home.’
It means leaving the canopy of this dear, dear city that embraced us and loved us and poured out love to us in such tangible and meaningful ways after Chad died. In a way, I look forward to the anonymity of a new town . . . and I will CERTAINLY be in Midland often . . . but the memories here are sweet and many. It will, to be honest, be nice to jog down a road that doesn’t have a memory of running there with Chad – those memories are just too painful. There is a relief in starting over . . . getting out from under being “Chad’s widow.” It is such an honor to have been his wife and to be his widow . . . but in time, it also becomes a label that we cannot escape. I hope and pray you can understand that and not judge me for my truthfulness to you.
You see, the reality of our lives is that we have HAD to create a new life. We have had NO choice. Our choice would have been for none of this to ever happen . . . but it did.
I have LONG believed that God redeems our suffering. The Word of God PROMISES that He will take the bad that happens in our lives and make good out of it. That is the love of God at work in our lives! That is God’s goodness to us.
Now, enter . . . Practice. My suffering redeemed. His suffering redeemed. That is what we are to one another. Never could I have imagined that God would restore to me . . . love. Deep love! Perhaps a deeper love than I have ever, ever experienced . . . why? Because I know what it is to lose that love and I plan to savor and capture EVERY moment of it! I have told Practice that I WILL memorize every contour of his body . . . and I will . . . because I know what it is to bury that body with whom you are one and to have to walk away and NEVER, EVER see or touch or feel again. And so, I WILL memorize every contour of his body. I will cherish every moment I have with him. I will know who it is to be ‘Sarah,’ and will be ‘Sarah’ very well. For, I have learned who I am as ‘me’ and how to be independent and how to take care of myself. But, I will be so happy to be cared for again, and cherished again, and I will be so happy to settle in to being half of one. I will be so humbled to be a wife again. And so, I do believe that I will love more deeply than ever before . . . because I know the sting of losing the very love of my life. I WILL cherish every moment I have to be Mrs. Practice! I will praise God for His restoration and I will be faithful with the calling of ‘wife.’
The Chris Tomlin/Louie Giglio song Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone), has a verse I just love! I used to sit at the grave and weep as I rewound the song to play this verse over and over and over . . . it says:
The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures
I would listen to that over and over and over and beg God to please let that be true in my life – as I sat there staring at my husband’s grave. The song goes on to say:
My chains are gone
I’ve been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace
Unending love . . . that is what Chad and I had. Our love will NEVER end . . . and in many ways, it will shine brightly through Practice and I because I am who I am because of Chad and the love that we shared. But, while our love will never end . . . this chapter of our life WILL. And, as one chapter ends and a new one begins, there may be days of ‘funk.’ Days where the excitement and joy of ALL of the good that God has brought to my life right now is dimmed a bit by the fact that a very sweet and beautiful and wonderful and blessed chapter of my life is ending. I guess, my friends, this is what they call the circle of life.
I have some ABSOLUTLEY WONDERFUL news! Practice has asked to become Perfect . . . and I have answered with a resounding “YES!!!!!!”
Yes, friends, Practice and I are engaged! We will be married the end of this summer in a very small and intimate ceremony that will celebrate the glory of ALL that God has restored to us and our children.
This past Friday evening Jim and I had the evening to have a date (with six children, two careers, two houses, etc . . . finding alone time can be a job in itself.) Anyhow, it was a warm, lovely evening and we had planned to go to his favorite haunt for pizza, then head back to his house on the farm to sit on the front porch and watch the sunset. He was running a little late after work and by the time we could leave to get pizza the sun was already beginning to set.
Jim owns some property that has a lake on it that they call ‘the pit.’ I had not been out to the pit yet, so we decided to head up to the pit to watch the sunset and then head to get pizza from there. We had such a wonderful time walking around the banks of the water, just walking, talking, holding hands and enjoying quiet time together. It was absolutely beautiful! So quiet! When you have always lived in a city – the quiet of the country is pretty amazing! The sounds of nature are incredible and I absolutely love it out there. Anyhow, it was out there, in that beautiful setting, that Jim got down on one knee and asked if I will be his wife.
It will be an honor! I am so in awe of God for His sustaining power in each of our lives . . . we have both emerged from such deep, deep pain. I am so in awe of God for His promises that are so true . . . as Romans 8:28 promises us that, “all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose.” My friends – that is what Jim and I represent in each others’ lives . . . that is what our marriage and new family represent to these six babies who have walked through pain that no adult should have to walk through. I pray, THAT is what our marriage will represent to anyone watching from near or far . . . that God IS good and His promises ARE true and He truly DOES redeem our suffering!
I have had an idea that this was coming . . . and about a week ago I penned the following blog . . . but felt that it gave too much away, and therefore I waited to post it until I could officially announce our engagement. But I would like you to see the emotion of all that we are walking through . . . there is SO much good! SO much! But the pain of losing Chad will never, ever go away . . . and so . . . I give to you the mixed emotion of widowhood, remarriage, and starting over ~
The past few days I have been in a funk. Just a plain ol’ good ol’ FUNK! It bothers me when I am like this – as I am generally a very upbeat person. So, when the funk comes I tend to begin to analyze . . . ask questions and try to figure out the ‘why’ of the funk. A year ago there was no question . . . it was an unending, penetrating, inescapable ‘funk.’ Well . . . a never ending weeping is more like it. But now, these days, the smile has returned to my heart and to our life . . . and while there are still days and moments that I weep for my beloved Chad . . . those moments do not define my days . .. our days . . as they did one year ago.
So, it has really caused me to take notice and ask “why?” Why this funk. I have finally figured it out. I share this with you so that you can follow the continuation of this journey. I pray that none of you will ever have to endure the horrible grief, shock, and pain that we have. But, unfortunately, the reality is that some of you will. I pray that my journey will encourage you. And so, I share with you my heart.
The smile HAS returned deep within my heart. And while so much of it is nothing short of the glory and faithfulness of God . . . this smile has a name. Many of you know that the name on this smile is Practice. If, at this point, you are confused . . . then please read back to my Valentine’s Day blog and it will fill you in. Anyhow, Practice has put a smile deep in the parts of my heart that I thought might always remain dark and painful. And, while loving Practice takes NOTHING away from loving Chad, it most certainly has taken the sting out of a life of lost love.
As Practice and I journey further into a life together . .. and as discussions of a life together begin to turn to reality. . . reality itself begins to set in. You see . . . I truly long for nothing more right now than a life with this wonderful man that God has brought into my life. The reality is that if Practice and I had TRIED to make this happen . . . if we had gone looking for one another . . . we never would have found each other. Our relationship IS a picture of the grace and mercy and glory of God our Father.
But there is another reality in all of this . . . as we discuss what a life together may look like . . . a sweet, new beginning will mean a certain ending. It is the door closing on my life with Chad. Not of our love, or our memories of one of the most incredible men to ever live, or of one of the greatest gifts God ever gave me . . . no, it does not mean an ending to those. But, it does mean an ending to our life together.
It means selling my house – the house that I will never forget finding . . . it wasn’t even for sale. One thing led to another and we signed the papers to sell our first home (the one we had all three of our babies at) at seven O’clock on a Thursday evening, got a babysitter and at nine O’clock that evening Chad leaned against a ladder in the basement of this house and began to weep. He pulled me in to his arms and said, “THIS is our ‘forever home.’ “ Huh. . . our ‘forever home.’
It means leaving the canopy of this dear, dear city that embraced us and loved us and poured out love to us in such tangible and meaningful ways after Chad died. In a way, I look forward to the anonymity of a new town . . . and I will CERTAINLY be in Midland often . . . but the memories here are sweet and many. It will, to be honest, be nice to jog down a road that doesn’t have a memory of running there with Chad – those memories are just too painful. There is a relief in starting over . . . getting out from under being “Chad’s widow.” It is such an honor to have been his wife and to be his widow . . . but in time, it also becomes a label that we cannot escape. I hope and pray you can understand that and not judge me for my truthfulness to you.
You see, the reality of our lives is that we have HAD to create a new life. We have had NO choice. Our choice would have been for none of this to ever happen . . . but it did.
I have LONG believed that God redeems our suffering. The Word of God PROMISES that He will take the bad that happens in our lives and make good out of it. That is the love of God at work in our lives! That is God’s goodness to us.
Now, enter . . . Practice. My suffering redeemed. His suffering redeemed. That is what we are to one another. Never could I have imagined that God would restore to me . . . love. Deep love! Perhaps a deeper love than I have ever, ever experienced . . . why? Because I know what it is to lose that love and I plan to savor and capture EVERY moment of it! I have told Practice that I WILL memorize every contour of his body . . . and I will . . . because I know what it is to bury that body with whom you are one and to have to walk away and NEVER, EVER see or touch or feel again. And so, I WILL memorize every contour of his body. I will cherish every moment I have with him. I will know who it is to be ‘Sarah,’ and will be ‘Sarah’ very well. For, I have learned who I am as ‘me’ and how to be independent and how to take care of myself. But, I will be so happy to be cared for again, and cherished again, and I will be so happy to settle in to being half of one. I will be so humbled to be a wife again. And so, I do believe that I will love more deeply than ever before . . . because I know the sting of losing the very love of my life. I WILL cherish every moment I have to be Mrs. Practice! I will praise God for His restoration and I will be faithful with the calling of ‘wife.’
The Chris Tomlin/Louie Giglio song Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone), has a verse I just love! I used to sit at the grave and weep as I rewound the song to play this verse over and over and over . . . it says:
The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures
I would listen to that over and over and over and beg God to please let that be true in my life – as I sat there staring at my husband’s grave. The song goes on to say:
My chains are gone
I’ve been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace
Unending love . . . that is what Chad and I had. Our love will NEVER end . . . and in many ways, it will shine brightly through Practice and I because I am who I am because of Chad and the love that we shared. But, while our love will never end . . . this chapter of our life WILL. And, as one chapter ends and a new one begins, there may be days of ‘funk.’ Days where the excitement and joy of ALL of the good that God has brought to my life right now is dimmed a bit by the fact that a very sweet and beautiful and wonderful and blessed chapter of my life is ending. I guess, my friends, this is what they call the circle of life.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Thank you!
Thank you to all of my readers! I am often amazed at your comments! You have truly blessed me by your comments from my last blog!
I want you all to know that God is so good and big and faithful and I am so happy that you can see that in my writings! Please hang in here with me for a couple more weeks . . . there is BIG news to come and I can't wait to share with you all!
I am having a small 'procedure' done on Friday (varicose veins) and will have some down time over the weekend - I hope to update you all about Micah and Mary . . perhaps a bit about Practice (are you all wondering?) . . . and more about the life in general. I have some ADORABLE pictures of Micah and Mary . . .but I have never put a picture on here . . . so, that might just take my entire weekend!!!!
Blessings to you all . . and THANK YOU so much for your sweet comments - I TRULY appreciate them!
Sarah
I want you all to know that God is so good and big and faithful and I am so happy that you can see that in my writings! Please hang in here with me for a couple more weeks . . . there is BIG news to come and I can't wait to share with you all!
I am having a small 'procedure' done on Friday (varicose veins) and will have some down time over the weekend - I hope to update you all about Micah and Mary . . perhaps a bit about Practice (are you all wondering?) . . . and more about the life in general. I have some ADORABLE pictures of Micah and Mary . . .but I have never put a picture on here . . . so, that might just take my entire weekend!!!!
Blessings to you all . . and THANK YOU so much for your sweet comments - I TRULY appreciate them!
Sarah
Friday, April 10, 2009
Yachting . . . Times Two!
Well Friends! I would like to share with you a bit more about our journey through grief. This will be a look into both the ‘past’ of the grief and the ‘present.’
Last April we happened to be in Florida this exact week. A dear, dear friend of mine lived in the Keys during the winter and when she found out we were going to be in Florida, she asked if I would come down to Marathon Key and do a concert at their church. I took six months off after Chad died, and the concert in the Keys was my first concert ‘back.’ The concert was on April 6th, and it just so happened that April 7th marked the six month anniversary of Chad’s death.
At the concert that night, there was a very sweet man named Captain Jim who asked if we would all (there were eight of ‘us’ there) like to spend the next day out on his 52 foot yacht. Would we? My heavens! Those of us who live in Michigan RARELY (if ever) get the chance to spend a day out on the ocean in a yacht! Yes, yes, and again . . . yes!
You know . . . there are days along the way . . . on this journey I call grief . . . that are significant. Days that no matter how you look at them, or which direction you come at them, they are ‘big.’ The six month anniversary was one of those days. It represented a ‘half way’ point. Everyone would tell me that if we could just get through the first year . . . through all the firsts . . . that we would make it. Yet, there in that month, we were still facing such deep, deep grief. The pain was still SO relentless. It just felt like we would NEVER get to a year!
Now enter . . . the yacht! Monday morning, April 7th, 2008 . . . we all walked up the plank and onto our first taste of new . . . AND good! Oh, we had had a lot of new . . . but this day would be our first taste of new AND good mixed together. It would be a sign that someday we would be happy again. . . even without our beloved. It was our first look at laughing and making new memories . . . . GOOD memories. . . without our precious daddy. This day would be SUCH a blessing!
We spent most of the day out on the yacht. Captain Jim and his wife Jo were so gracious and hospitable. Others had joined us for the day, as well. But honestly – all I remember is me and my babies smiling and having the time of our lives!
I spent most of the day out on the bow of the boat (I hope that’s what it is called and how you spell it) with my sister, sister-in-law, best friend Hillary, and my Mime’s (the one who asked us to come down to sing.) We laid in the sun out there ALL day . . . and marveled at the unbelievable color of the water in the Keys. Captain Jim would anchor the boat along the way and we would jump in and swim around in the ocean. The kids all jumped off the boat from high atop the back deck (I think about a 15 foot jump.) We had a lovely lunch out on the water and spent some time driving through the canals and gawking at the mansions and the yachts.
We had to head back in according to the tide and if I recall correctly, we had to be in around 2:30 in the afternoon – or else we would have to stay out until evening. I will never forget as we were heading in . . . our trip about to end . . . someone spotted a family of dolphins off in the distance. Captain Jim whipped that boat around and off we went in the direction of the dolphins! It was two adults and a baby dolphin. Right there in the middle of all that water those dolphins danced around the yacht like they were putting on a show for us. It was absolutely thrilling! What a sight to see. Not the dolphins . . .the smiles on my children’s faces as their eyes danced with glee for the first time since their daddy died. What a precious gift from our Heavenly Father . . . and Chad!
Well, by the time Captain Jim headed back in through the channel – he was kickin’ up dirt in his prop the entire way. As we went through the channel we saw sting rays go flying through the water as the boat went by. We said our goodbyes and went on our way. Jim and Jo said that if we ever got back down their way to let them know and we would go back out on the yacht.
We went home to continue our journey through grief. You know, the ‘going home’ was always difficult. I will NEVER forget the first ‘going home.’ It was, may I be blunt? Hell! Going home knowing that Chad would never be there again was absolute Hell! I will never forget the second ‘going home.’ We had been in Nashville and when we got home it would be our first night in our house alone – just the kids and I. Again, Hell.
Well, this time was no different . . . except that we had had a taste . . . a small picture or glimpse into the fact that someday . . . eventually. . . we would laugh again and, yes, even be happy again. We had been given a window into someday. We had been given hope along our journey.
Now fast forward one whole year . . . When I got to thinking that we were going to be in Miami all this week it occurred to me that we wouldn’t be too far from Marathon and that maybe . . . just maybe we could see Captain Jim and Jo. I sent an e-mail and before I knew it the plans were all made. We drove down there (about 3 hours from where we are staying) Tuesday night . . . ironically . . . April 7th. The 18 month anniversary of Chad’s death. Yesterday, we spent the ENTIRE day out on the yacht. Once again . . . it was an absolutely delightful day. Fishing, swimming with the fish on a reef, snorkeling, and yes, once again . . . dolphins! This time not only did they dance for us – but they swam right with the boat! It was just wonderful.
It never ceases to amaze me how there are no strangers in the body of Christ. . . just family. Captain Jim and Jo are wonderful people (as well as the others who joined in for the day and are truly family, as well – we love you Gay Ann, Robin, and Kirsten!) who love the Lord and love people and will forever be near and dear friends of ours. We may only connect a couple times a year ~ but they are a highlight of our year and some of our favorite people in the world.
There was one major difference this year. While the day on the yacht was much the same as the year before . . . WE are not. You see ~ last year the family on that yacht was broken and wounded and limping along without the biggest part of their body . . . trying desperately to figure out how to walk on without that part. Last year ~ we had a small glimpse into the future . . . into happiness . . . into what life might someday be like.
This year . . . we are living ‘someday.’ We ARE happy. This year, we have learned how to stand on our own, NEW, two feet and what that looks like and what that feels like. This year we didn’t make a first memory . . . we continued along this journey called our healing process.
Oh, please don’t get me wrong . . . each and every day we miss Chad. There is not a day that goes by that we don’t think of him, talk about him, and dearly, dearly miss him. But the reality in our lives is that we HAD to heal. That broken, wounded family of April 7th, 2008 HAD to give way to the ‘living again’ family of April 8th, 2009. I am so thankful for our days on the yacht, for Captain Jim and Jo, and for time . . . which truly does take some of the sting out of grief.
If you are walking some sort of journey today that is long and painful – please rest in the fact that GOD IS FAITHFUL! He is so loving and kind and will give you ‘glimpses’ along your way. Please be looking for them! God is our healer . . . and while time really helps . . . God is the balm. Psalm 46:1 says, “God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.”
Thank you, Father, for being my refuge and strength . . . and for yachting . . . times two!
Last April we happened to be in Florida this exact week. A dear, dear friend of mine lived in the Keys during the winter and when she found out we were going to be in Florida, she asked if I would come down to Marathon Key and do a concert at their church. I took six months off after Chad died, and the concert in the Keys was my first concert ‘back.’ The concert was on April 6th, and it just so happened that April 7th marked the six month anniversary of Chad’s death.
At the concert that night, there was a very sweet man named Captain Jim who asked if we would all (there were eight of ‘us’ there) like to spend the next day out on his 52 foot yacht. Would we? My heavens! Those of us who live in Michigan RARELY (if ever) get the chance to spend a day out on the ocean in a yacht! Yes, yes, and again . . . yes!
You know . . . there are days along the way . . . on this journey I call grief . . . that are significant. Days that no matter how you look at them, or which direction you come at them, they are ‘big.’ The six month anniversary was one of those days. It represented a ‘half way’ point. Everyone would tell me that if we could just get through the first year . . . through all the firsts . . . that we would make it. Yet, there in that month, we were still facing such deep, deep grief. The pain was still SO relentless. It just felt like we would NEVER get to a year!
Now enter . . . the yacht! Monday morning, April 7th, 2008 . . . we all walked up the plank and onto our first taste of new . . . AND good! Oh, we had had a lot of new . . . but this day would be our first taste of new AND good mixed together. It would be a sign that someday we would be happy again. . . even without our beloved. It was our first look at laughing and making new memories . . . . GOOD memories. . . without our precious daddy. This day would be SUCH a blessing!
We spent most of the day out on the yacht. Captain Jim and his wife Jo were so gracious and hospitable. Others had joined us for the day, as well. But honestly – all I remember is me and my babies smiling and having the time of our lives!
I spent most of the day out on the bow of the boat (I hope that’s what it is called and how you spell it) with my sister, sister-in-law, best friend Hillary, and my Mime’s (the one who asked us to come down to sing.) We laid in the sun out there ALL day . . . and marveled at the unbelievable color of the water in the Keys. Captain Jim would anchor the boat along the way and we would jump in and swim around in the ocean. The kids all jumped off the boat from high atop the back deck (I think about a 15 foot jump.) We had a lovely lunch out on the water and spent some time driving through the canals and gawking at the mansions and the yachts.
We had to head back in according to the tide and if I recall correctly, we had to be in around 2:30 in the afternoon – or else we would have to stay out until evening. I will never forget as we were heading in . . . our trip about to end . . . someone spotted a family of dolphins off in the distance. Captain Jim whipped that boat around and off we went in the direction of the dolphins! It was two adults and a baby dolphin. Right there in the middle of all that water those dolphins danced around the yacht like they were putting on a show for us. It was absolutely thrilling! What a sight to see. Not the dolphins . . .the smiles on my children’s faces as their eyes danced with glee for the first time since their daddy died. What a precious gift from our Heavenly Father . . . and Chad!
Well, by the time Captain Jim headed back in through the channel – he was kickin’ up dirt in his prop the entire way. As we went through the channel we saw sting rays go flying through the water as the boat went by. We said our goodbyes and went on our way. Jim and Jo said that if we ever got back down their way to let them know and we would go back out on the yacht.
We went home to continue our journey through grief. You know, the ‘going home’ was always difficult. I will NEVER forget the first ‘going home.’ It was, may I be blunt? Hell! Going home knowing that Chad would never be there again was absolute Hell! I will never forget the second ‘going home.’ We had been in Nashville and when we got home it would be our first night in our house alone – just the kids and I. Again, Hell.
Well, this time was no different . . . except that we had had a taste . . . a small picture or glimpse into the fact that someday . . . eventually. . . we would laugh again and, yes, even be happy again. We had been given a window into someday. We had been given hope along our journey.
Now fast forward one whole year . . . When I got to thinking that we were going to be in Miami all this week it occurred to me that we wouldn’t be too far from Marathon and that maybe . . . just maybe we could see Captain Jim and Jo. I sent an e-mail and before I knew it the plans were all made. We drove down there (about 3 hours from where we are staying) Tuesday night . . . ironically . . . April 7th. The 18 month anniversary of Chad’s death. Yesterday, we spent the ENTIRE day out on the yacht. Once again . . . it was an absolutely delightful day. Fishing, swimming with the fish on a reef, snorkeling, and yes, once again . . . dolphins! This time not only did they dance for us – but they swam right with the boat! It was just wonderful.
It never ceases to amaze me how there are no strangers in the body of Christ. . . just family. Captain Jim and Jo are wonderful people (as well as the others who joined in for the day and are truly family, as well – we love you Gay Ann, Robin, and Kirsten!) who love the Lord and love people and will forever be near and dear friends of ours. We may only connect a couple times a year ~ but they are a highlight of our year and some of our favorite people in the world.
There was one major difference this year. While the day on the yacht was much the same as the year before . . . WE are not. You see ~ last year the family on that yacht was broken and wounded and limping along without the biggest part of their body . . . trying desperately to figure out how to walk on without that part. Last year ~ we had a small glimpse into the future . . . into happiness . . . into what life might someday be like.
This year . . . we are living ‘someday.’ We ARE happy. This year, we have learned how to stand on our own, NEW, two feet and what that looks like and what that feels like. This year we didn’t make a first memory . . . we continued along this journey called our healing process.
Oh, please don’t get me wrong . . . each and every day we miss Chad. There is not a day that goes by that we don’t think of him, talk about him, and dearly, dearly miss him. But the reality in our lives is that we HAD to heal. That broken, wounded family of April 7th, 2008 HAD to give way to the ‘living again’ family of April 8th, 2009. I am so thankful for our days on the yacht, for Captain Jim and Jo, and for time . . . which truly does take some of the sting out of grief.
If you are walking some sort of journey today that is long and painful – please rest in the fact that GOD IS FAITHFUL! He is so loving and kind and will give you ‘glimpses’ along your way. Please be looking for them! God is our healer . . . and while time really helps . . . God is the balm. Psalm 46:1 says, “God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.”
Thank you, Father, for being my refuge and strength . . . and for yachting . . . times two!
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Still Here!!!!!
Hi All -
I am so sorry for the long absence from blogging! Life has been going full speed - and sometimes the blog just keeps getting put off.
I wanted to let you all know that tomorrow (Friday, April 3rd) is the official release date of the first 'single' from my new album ~ The Long October Road! The song is called "Wishin' Time Away," and is an awesome song that seems to be most people's favorite song off the album (those who have heard it.) The process of releasing a song is VERY long and is more like running a marathon - definitely not a sprint! It may take weeks for the programmers to actually decide that they will play the song - then even longer for the listeners to hear the song. IF you hear the song on your local radio, PLEASE call or e-mail your station and ask them to play it more. But, please don't call out of the blue to ask for it . . .the programmers DO NOT like that!
Also - will you please pray over this very special song - that it will have God's favor all over it. Please pray that as the programmers listen - that they will have a sense of God's presence and anointing and that they will KNOW that this is a song that will powerfully touch their listener's lives!!!!!!! Please join me in prayer for the success of "Wishin' Time Away."
Also - just so you all know . . . we are still busy working on a brand new website . . . the cover art and design of the CD cover/case . . . and working to schedule concerts.
The kids and I are in South Florida for the next 10 days! What a blessing. It is a working vacation for me. I was at Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church yesterday - the church of the former D. James Kennedy. They have a radio station and a very dear lady named Leslie Hurst interviewed me. We then spent the afternoon together having lunch and getting to know one another. It was a very sweet time.
Tonight we drive to Fort Myers to introduce the song on a big station over there tomorrow morning! I am so excited to share this powerful song with listeners all over the country!!!!!!
I need to buy a new camera - ours is broken - and once I do I will work to put pictures on my blog. You can see my babies and keep up with our vacation.
Do any of you remember WAY back at the beginning of my blogging days when I told you that Micah and Mary are in love? Well - stay tuned for the continuation of that love story . . . and many, many pictures of the two of them down here on the beach!!!!!
Blessings to you all!
Sarah
I am so sorry for the long absence from blogging! Life has been going full speed - and sometimes the blog just keeps getting put off.
I wanted to let you all know that tomorrow (Friday, April 3rd) is the official release date of the first 'single' from my new album ~ The Long October Road! The song is called "Wishin' Time Away," and is an awesome song that seems to be most people's favorite song off the album (those who have heard it.) The process of releasing a song is VERY long and is more like running a marathon - definitely not a sprint! It may take weeks for the programmers to actually decide that they will play the song - then even longer for the listeners to hear the song. IF you hear the song on your local radio, PLEASE call or e-mail your station and ask them to play it more. But, please don't call out of the blue to ask for it . . .the programmers DO NOT like that!
Also - will you please pray over this very special song - that it will have God's favor all over it. Please pray that as the programmers listen - that they will have a sense of God's presence and anointing and that they will KNOW that this is a song that will powerfully touch their listener's lives!!!!!!! Please join me in prayer for the success of "Wishin' Time Away."
Also - just so you all know . . . we are still busy working on a brand new website . . . the cover art and design of the CD cover/case . . . and working to schedule concerts.
The kids and I are in South Florida for the next 10 days! What a blessing. It is a working vacation for me. I was at Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church yesterday - the church of the former D. James Kennedy. They have a radio station and a very dear lady named Leslie Hurst interviewed me. We then spent the afternoon together having lunch and getting to know one another. It was a very sweet time.
Tonight we drive to Fort Myers to introduce the song on a big station over there tomorrow morning! I am so excited to share this powerful song with listeners all over the country!!!!!!
I need to buy a new camera - ours is broken - and once I do I will work to put pictures on my blog. You can see my babies and keep up with our vacation.
Do any of you remember WAY back at the beginning of my blogging days when I told you that Micah and Mary are in love? Well - stay tuned for the continuation of that love story . . . and many, many pictures of the two of them down here on the beach!!!!!
Blessings to you all!
Sarah
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