Thursday, November 6, 2008

November 6th


Today I weep. My beloved is gone. I miss him so deeply. There is nothing I can do. I cannot hear him, nor see him, nor touch him, nor talk to him. I would give anything to just have him for one moment. Oh, my heart breaks. The tears . . . the weeping.

It seems now that many days are good. There are days without weeping and I am thankful. But, when it hits it is still so deep and painful. I am writing the book outline and am getting to the weekend of the marathon. It is really difficult to relive it. I know that is why the tears come. How do I ever capture in word all that happened that weekend. How do I capture in word the emotion? How do I capture in word God’s unending faithfulness when my entire world had come crashing down?

I miss my beloved. Chad Michael – you were all my dreams come true. Thank you for your life and your love. Today I snuggled up next to Micah as I woke him up. His skin feels just like yours, Chad. There is so much of you living on in our babies. I snuggled him close and kissed that sweet, warm, skin. I told him that we weren’t planning to get pregnant when we did. I told him that he was a COMPLETE surprise . . . and one of the best surprises of my life. I told him that I can’t imagine life without him and that he reminds me so much of you. Honey, you would be so proud of our babies . . . they are such wonderful people! I know you see us! I know you must. Please show us signs of you today, Chad. Please! I need to see you today! I love you.

6 comments:

Greg Stewart said...

Sarah,

The joy you have makes me smile so big and the pain you feel makes my heart break with you. I'm glad the good days are happening more often, but that doesn't diminish the pain of the hard days.

I will be praying for Micah that God smoothes his path to realization.

You are strong. I see it in you as you go through these trials. God has strengthened you for this day.

Greg

Lisa Beals said...

My heart breaks with yours Sarah! Yet, as I read your entry and cry with you at your loss, I can't help but think how blessed you were to have the kind of precious, priceless love with Chad that you had. Sadly, so few couples ever share that kind of bond with each other - even with a lifetime of years together. You have a priceless treasure of memories to hold dear to your heart which you will never, ever lose. I'm reminded of that quote; "Oh to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all!

My love and prayers remain with you daily for God's strength to be ever real and present in your and your precious childrens'lives. Cling to Him.

Love you, friend! Lisa

Sue W said...

Hi again Sarah -
Have played your Christmas CD many times, it is so beautiful. I purchased two, sent the other to my sister. I told her to listen to it with a tissue!

Can't wait till you're finished with "The Long October Road"...save two for me!

Wishing you & the children good things today and everyday.
Love -
Sue

Jennie said...

I came here from The Tale of Two Coins blog. My heart and thoughts go out to you. I admire your strength and wanted to take a moment to thank you for welcoming Jenny with open arms. I hope that the two of you can rely and draw strength from each other.

Jen said...

I came to your blog from A Tale of Two Coins and I am so happy that I did. You are an amazing person with such faith. God's plan for your family was not what you expected, but you are doing beautifully for yourself and children. What an inspiration!
((HUGS))

Kim@Seasons of My Heart said...

My heart truly breaks for you and your precious family.

I don't remember HOW I found your blog...but I'm glad I did.

Know that I'm lifting you...to our Father!!