November 30, 2008!
Yea! My last post received over 10 comments! Sorry . . . you are hopefully smiling at that . . . but I have been watching to see when my little blog would get 10 comments. Now, technically two of them are mine . . . but close enough! We did it! I'm so excited! Thank you to all who read this and to those of you who comment. I watch all day to see who comments and from where and what you have to say! You bless my socks off (and I LOVE socks) when you leave me comments, so I thank you!
I would really treasure some feedback from you all right now - and no, this is not a way to just up the comments, despite what you may think :-). As of late I have been using my blog as a sort of journal. Since Chad passed away I have been journaling quite faithfully, but keeping both a journal and a blog seems a bit repetitive. There are things that I will write to myself that I will not share with all of you . . . but not many. Well anyhow, I had some very deep thoughts today, one of which I will blog now and the other I will do in the next couple days. I tend to be a pretty deep thinker. I lean toward melancholy and thus my thoughts tend to be a bit on the serious side. What I would like to know from you is do you mind the deep thoughts? Because this journey is a bit long and painful right now, I fear that sharing my journey and emotions with you might become a drag - and yet, I don't want to miss an opportunity to encourage some of you by the mere fact that I open myself up for you to watch the entire experience. On the other hand, perhaps you are here for the sole purpose of seeing what is going on with my music. If that is the case, you may want just the stories about what is going on with that front.
All in all, I don't want to get too heavy for the daily readers . . . and yet, I DO NOT want to sugar coat all that we are going through! So, I guess I am answering my own question - but I would love to know your thoughts. So . . . on to my deep thought for today . . . It is not long . . . but it is a window into my soul ~
Tonight I began Christmas shopping and also bought Micah a birthday present - as he will turn eight on December 3rd. It never ceases to amaze me how you can be in a store or a mall FULL of people and yet be all alone. I am settling into the 'alone.' I am figuring out who I am on my own and the 'alone' doesn't bother me much anymore like it did in those early months after Chad died. Back then, the 'alone' terrified me. But today, I often relish the quiet time in my life and the 'alone' doesn't seem as horrible as it once did.
There are, however, still moments along this journey that the 'alone' pierces me to my very core and sends a chilling reminder through my emotions that I am, indeed, 'alone.' As I walked through the mall and navigated the toy aisles at Target and Walmart I was struck with the keen awareness that this year I shop 'alone.' Chad and I used to deliberate long and hard over what three gifts (to signify the three gifts that Christ received) the kids would get. We then LOVED traversing the crowded streets and stores to create a very nice Christmas for our babies. We always did it together. Tonight, walking 'alone' through the toy sections, longing for his input and discernment as a daddy for his sons, my heart just broke! The familiar songs play, the warmth and excitement of the season are in the air, and yet, the realities of life are never far from my daily functioning. This year I will shop alone. This year we will even celebrate alone. That is reality, my friends. I will be o.k. WE will be o.k. But if you see me out and about, and perhaps my mind seems miles away its because it is. It is most likely far off in memories of a time when 'alone' meant free time away from Chad and the kids . . . not reality.
Blessings to you all!