November 30, 2008!
Yea! My last post received over 10 comments! Sorry . . . you are hopefully smiling at that . . . but I have been watching to see when my little blog would get 10 comments. Now, technically two of them are mine . . . but close enough! We did it! I'm so excited! Thank you to all who read this and to those of you who comment. I watch all day to see who comments and from where and what you have to say! You bless my socks off (and I LOVE socks) when you leave me comments, so I thank you!
I would really treasure some feedback from you all right now - and no, this is not a way to just up the comments, despite what you may think :-). As of late I have been using my blog as a sort of journal. Since Chad passed away I have been journaling quite faithfully, but keeping both a journal and a blog seems a bit repetitive. There are things that I will write to myself that I will not share with all of you . . . but not many. Well anyhow, I had some very deep thoughts today, one of which I will blog now and the other I will do in the next couple days. I tend to be a pretty deep thinker. I lean toward melancholy and thus my thoughts tend to be a bit on the serious side. What I would like to know from you is do you mind the deep thoughts? Because this journey is a bit long and painful right now, I fear that sharing my journey and emotions with you might become a drag - and yet, I don't want to miss an opportunity to encourage some of you by the mere fact that I open myself up for you to watch the entire experience. On the other hand, perhaps you are here for the sole purpose of seeing what is going on with my music. If that is the case, you may want just the stories about what is going on with that front.
All in all, I don't want to get too heavy for the daily readers . . . and yet, I DO NOT want to sugar coat all that we are going through! So, I guess I am answering my own question - but I would love to know your thoughts. So . . . on to my deep thought for today . . . It is not long . . . but it is a window into my soul ~
Tonight I began Christmas shopping and also bought Micah a birthday present - as he will turn eight on December 3rd. It never ceases to amaze me how you can be in a store or a mall FULL of people and yet be all alone. I am settling into the 'alone.' I am figuring out who I am on my own and the 'alone' doesn't bother me much anymore like it did in those early months after Chad died. Back then, the 'alone' terrified me. But today, I often relish the quiet time in my life and the 'alone' doesn't seem as horrible as it once did.
There are, however, still moments along this journey that the 'alone' pierces me to my very core and sends a chilling reminder through my emotions that I am, indeed, 'alone.' As I walked through the mall and navigated the toy aisles at Target and Walmart I was struck with the keen awareness that this year I shop 'alone.' Chad and I used to deliberate long and hard over what three gifts (to signify the three gifts that Christ received) the kids would get. We then LOVED traversing the crowded streets and stores to create a very nice Christmas for our babies. We always did it together. Tonight, walking 'alone' through the toy sections, longing for his input and discernment as a daddy for his sons, my heart just broke! The familiar songs play, the warmth and excitement of the season are in the air, and yet, the realities of life are never far from my daily functioning. This year I will shop alone. This year we will even celebrate alone. That is reality, my friends. I will be o.k. WE will be o.k. But if you see me out and about, and perhaps my mind seems miles away its because it is. It is most likely far off in memories of a time when 'alone' meant free time away from Chad and the kids . . . not reality.
Blessings to you all!
Sarah
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19 comments:
Hi, Sarah. I followed your Christmas tradition post from 'Bring the Rain'. I live in KS now but grew up in MI (was even born in Midland) so, of course, any mention of it catches my attention. I have spent the evening browsing your site and I just wanted to let you know that you have someone new praying for you.
I echo The Campbell Family. I found you through Jen (A Tale of Two Coins) and I found her through "Bring The Rain." So add me to the list of people who are praying for you! (And by the way, "Christmas In Heaven" sounds so refreshing coming out of the radio speakers at Spirit 105.3. I hope to forward you emails from our listeners as to how the song is impacting them. Bless you, Sarah!
I too feel your pain about shopping by yourself and feeling so alone. This weekend I went shopping with my mom and sister and there were tons of people in the stores, but without Shawn by my side I was so lonely and sad. Those feelings were actually my post for tonight.
As for your blog...I think you need to post what ever feels right to you. Some days on my blog I don't really talk about anything and try to keep it lite, then other days the words and emotions come pouring out of me and I end up with a very heavy post. My readers have responded well to both. I have readers now that leave me comments on whatever type of post I make. I still find it so hard to believe all of the amazing support and encouraging words I have gotten from people I don't even know. My readers have been such a blessing to me. I treasure each comment and have made several new blogging friends.
See you soon
I think a blog is a place to reveal your heart through words. I don't have a problem with deep thoughts. I use my blog to allow things to "drop" out of my head. (It's a blonde thing!) I do try to use discretion because I know that my daughter reads my blog and my father has also started reading it.
I am sorry that you are having to deal with the "alone-ness". (I suspect you are not alone in this, though.) Your words are a reminder to me to be more sensitive to others...
praying for you,
karen
I enjoy reading your blog and I find encouragment through your trial that God has set in your path. Your faith refreshes me on this journey of life and I also think you should blog about what suites you for the moment. I also use my blog as a diary of sorts for myself and have plans on printing it off in book form at the end of the year. I just started doing it this year. Blessings to you this season--and May God wrap his arms of comfort around you today and always. I have my blog private but if you'd like to read it please just email me at storkmm@juno.com and I will add you as a reader. :)
Marie
Hi Sarah,
As for my opinion on what you should blog, I love to read it all. The heavy stuff, as weird as this sounds, is refreshing to me. Through all your pain, I can see God taking care of you and your babies. I can see that you are still living life, which relieves me of many worries.
I also love to hear about the music and the process of it all. I love to read the stories about the kids and your everyday lives.
I'm happy to have a friend like you, Sarah, and I'm glad that you are blogging this journey. I cannot imagine how much your thoughts will help others through similar circumstances.
And as for shopping alone...my heart breaks for you. I'm praying for you.
Sarah,
I like to read anything you feel like writing-serious or not. It helps me feel more connected with what is happening in your life and helps direct my prayers for you. Congratulations on getting to 10!
Ginger
I think you'll top 10 today! I've been reading a while now too, found you through other blogs. I think you can say anything and everything on your blog...funny to serious. I, too, am inspired by your strength, and it gives me hope that should I ever find myself in a similar situation, I can make it through.
Thank you.
Hi Sarah-
I found your blog on Tyson Aeschleman's "Another Chapter" and have been folowing it ever since. I love that you are transparent and let us know what your thoughts are. We all need to be that way. I can't wait to hear "First Christmas in Heaven"! May you feel God's nearness and comfort especially during the Christmas season.
Hi Sarah,
I am Jenni from Maryville, MO. My sister-in-law forwarded the link to Christmas in Heaven today, warning me that I would cry, and I did. I felt washed over with grief and peace at the same time, as I listened, then realized it was you. See, my husband Brian and I were at that Chicago marathon last year. We were there cheering on my cousin, who was running for Team Melanoma because my husband was dying of melanoma. We were also in Chicago for a last ditch effort to find another treatment to save him. I remember the unbearable heat, as we pushed my 35 year-old husband around in a wheelchair. And I remember the sirens, then hearing that someone had died along the route. I prayed for you that day, for whoever it was that was in need, and then prayed more when I learned it was a young father and husband.
I got the link to your song today because Brian's melanoma finally took him in March 2008. We have 11 and 8 year-old daughters, and a 4 year-old son. The holidays have already proven to be very difficult, especially the Christmas shopping. I decided to click on your website to see how you have been doing, and found your blog to be very inspirational. I work everyday to understand and accept what life has dealt me, and to continue to praise God, in the midst of my grief. Thank you for sharing your beautiful talents in this song. My prayers continue to be with you and your family.
I think YOU need to do what is BEST for you.....
I enjoy reading about you and the kids and your music!
You really make me think about life and GOD in such a good way.
I pray for you often.
My Emily thinks I'm ok cuz' I know someone who has sung in Nashville.....she wants to be the nextTaylor Swift!!!!
God Bless you and your family.
Shawna
I read daily... never comment but just read. You and Jen at Tale of Two Coins have made me open my eyes and see this is reality and to appreciate my Husband EVERY SINGLE DAY!!! There were days we would go without talking or seeing each other (not by choice but because of our VERY hectic and opposite schedules and of course life with three kids running us here there and every where). That doesn't happen ANYMORE... You guys are sooo strong and have such faith!!!
Hi Sarah,
I follow your blog almost everyday and send up prayers for you and your kids. I find encouragement and blessings from it. Your strong faith gives me hope when I am down. Keep sharing your feelings.
Lori
Wow! Thank you, ALL, for your very thoughtful responses and your encouragement! I appreciate the time you take to comment . . . and I truly am thankful that you read my blog! It is wonderful to connect with a whole new 'blogging' family! Blessings!!!!!!
Sarah,
My mother gave me a copy of Christmas is heaven after hearing you a a Red Hats function. I loved it and play it often. I had to rush to your website and order more for friends along with your CD Gratitude. I love it! You have a beautiful voice, thank you for sharing it with the world. My husband ran in the Chicago Marathon that year and I was there to cheer him on. We are also from MI and at the time had 3 children, he is also a police officer. When I read the newspaper article I was amazed at how strong you are for sharing your memories, hopes, and dreams with the world. I will be praying for you and your children. May you all find peace in your memories and create many more. God bless you and thanks again for sharing...
Sarah, wow I am number 16. Your blog is incredible. I will be there in the morning. Praying for you! Marni
i love you so much you are the best sarah I could ever have . i am praying for you. i love you all the way to hevan and back and forth and back and forht and way more .have a wonderful day tell micah i said hi love mary
Dear Sarah,
I just got done reading some of your blogs and they are so good. It is so cool how you can pour your heart out but yet make it sound so great. I love you and I pray for you every night.
Love Ya
ELLIE
Sarah-
This is a great post-- the question you pose in the beginning, and then your "raw honesty" that follows.
You asked for the opinions of virtual strangers, so I guess, here's another "strange opinion":
If you have the stomach for it... POUR IT OUT, GIRL! Blog as Job would have. As David did (if you can picture the Psalms being a blog). Not just the "God is good!" parts, but also the "Where ARE you, Lord!?" parts. But know that this honesty and "depth" will leave you vulnerable to hundreds... maybe thousands.
I've learned that we, the "Body of Christ", in fact NEED to experience what it is to suffer together. We need to rediscover the "suffering", the "cross", the "hardship" parts of the Gospel. Jesus didn't promise happiness. In fact... He promised suffering. But He also promised His presence and comfort. The greater degree to which we are able to share our suffering with others not as "blessed" as us, in our suffering, (to borrow a concept from the Apostle Paul), the fuller the Gospel can become to these friends, blog-readers, etc...
Likewise, for those who don't know our God the way we know Him... I've found it brings tremendous comfort to them that not all Christians are sparkly-eyed optimists (although, I AM a self-proclaimed optimist), with their heads somewhere between the clouds and buried in the sand. The ministry of real, honest, outward suffering is a powerful one. Again, you don't need to dig any further than the book of Job... or the Cross on Calvary, for that matter... for evidence of this truth.
Anyway... that's my two cents. Or sixpence. Or worthless jabber. I hope you don't mind this input. If you do, please delete this... I won't be offended. God bless you in your ministry, friend. (And I'm not talking about your music.)
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