Friday, November 28, 2008

Refuge

November 28, 2008

Oh, my Father, once again old and new collide. Yesterday was so very hard, yet today brings bright hope for tomorrow.

It is so strange – today I will sit at my brother’s house, probably in my pajamas, and have a wonderful, relaxing day with my children and family. The whole time knowing that all throughout America people will hear Christmas In Heaven for the first time. It is a song that will stop them in their tracks. They will be pierced by the lyric of it and it will stick with them forever. I know this because I have experienced that firsthand and I am now receiving testimonies of the power of the song on almost a daily basis. Today, over 250 radio stations all across this great land will begin playing Christmas in Heaven. Oh, Lord, please bless it! Please! Please draw people into it and please compel them to find it and buy it. Lord, may I be so bold as to ask that this be the song that puts me on the map. Today, there is much, much evidence of the new . . . the good . . . excitement!

Yet, yesterday was marked with tremendous pain from a past that I can no longer call my future! This is NOT how I would want this, yet, my sweet Lord, I submit and find refuge in You. My days are so much better now, emotionally, that I thought perhaps I would make it through the day without much fuss. That, was not the case. By nine a.m. I stood weeping in the kitchen, my heart absolutely breaking for my beloved who is not here. Oh, how I miss him! I long for the future we had planned. I ache for my sweet children who’s daddy is in Heaven – not here on Earth to be all that they need him to be. How ironic that as I stood weeping it was those precious, wonderful little vessels of Chad that came and stood under me, arms wrapped around me, and held me as I wept for their daddy. And my heart broke – the questions. The pain. I miss him so very much. I weep and mourn for three wonderful babies who no longer have their daddy.

Why do they have to hold ME as I weep for their daddy? Why do our hearts have to break like this? As a mama, I worry – how are they really doing? I know and understand what this means in their little lives . . . I see the whole picture. But, how are they really? They all continue to go to counseling. Abbi wants to stop going, well, she never wanted to go to begin with. But it is my duty to make sure they get through this with their emotional self intact. Perhaps they go more for my peace of mind than for theirs. This way I know that there is always an outlet for their pain and questions. If I can’t make sense of it – how in Heaven’s name can they?

My heart breaks for them. Why? Abbi needs a daddy here to show her how a man should treat her. I am so thankful – ah, yes, it puts a smile on my face – that the very last thing her daddy taught her was how to let a boy down easily. What a beautiful thing! Thank you, Lord! And my boys – my sweet, tender, intuitive Noah – who is so, so much like his daddy. He needs a daddy here to play Lego’s with him and to usher him through all the changes that lay ahead for his body and his emotions. And precious little Micah – how in the world can this baby possibly make sense of any of this? My goal is just to work as hard as I can to keep his daddy’s memory alive for him. Oh, Lord! Thank you that you wired Micah the way you did . . . please keep vivid ALL of the memories that he has of his beloved daddy. Lord, thank you for the men . . .the men who have risen to the occasion and been daddy’s to my babies throughout this past year. Thank you! Please bless them all!

Father, please give me the wisdom and strength to guide these babies through all of this. I love when they hold me – and yet, I hate it! I need to be the strong one – and yet, I am thankful that they have seen me mourn and weep for the love of my life.

I see signs of their mourning in other ways . . . Micah still needs me throughout the night. Oh, Lord, You know that we were never a ‘family bed’ family. Micah starts out in his own bed, but usually by Midnight he has crawled in and is snuggling with me. He tries to crawl inside my skin, I think. Several times throughout the night he will look for my hand . . . his little hand searching to find it. When he finds it he wraps his little fingers around my thumb and holds on, usually with an “I love you” to follow. Often times I will wake up with his head on my chest – I know that he is listening for my heart. He knows his daddy’s heart stopped . . . and I know he finds peace in listening to mine. Oh, father, please be his refuge. Please give this baby peace as he wrestles with a beast so much bigger than his almost eight little years. Please shelter him.

Father, I must say, that I am amazed. I am amazed at the peace. Your word promises it. Over and over it tells us to rest in you . . . to present our requests to You and You will give us peace . . . .to know that You are our refuge. Yet, through this storm that has been so big, and dark, and painful, and engulfing . . . You HAVE been a refuge. I do not understand it . . . I do not know how it works . . . .but I am thankful. Thank You, Lord, for being my refuge and strength. Thank you for granting my soul ‘rest’ when my body and emotions are weak beyond weak. Thank you for granting to me a peace that goes so far beyond anything that my understanding can figure out.

Please, God, be all of that to my precious children. Please be their refuge. Please help me, as their mama, to demonstrate to them, all that You are. Please help me to be their mama AND their daddy. Please complete us, Lord. Please prepare us for all that lies ahead. Oh, God, please send them a new daddy and me a new beloved. That is the prayer of a widow’s heart . . . that is the prayer of a mama’s heart. We submit to You, oh God. Lord, may You get the glory.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Sarah! I was not sure how to get a hold of you. Your blog is great. I have an Uncle in Seattle in the radio business. I spoke with him about your Christmas in Heaven piece. He said send it to him and he'll make sure it gets to the local stations. However I saw in your blog that it is playing in Seattle. Let me know what you would like me to do. Thank you, Jennifer Haney

Sarah Schieber said...

Jennifer . . . thank you so much for thinking of me and the radio. It will be played on a big Adult Contemporary station out there (Christian), but if your uncle has any connections on other stations - that would be SUPER. I can get you one to send to him - just let me know how to get it to you. Blessings! Sarah

Jacquie said...

I listened to your song yesterday with my children on the web. WOW! I'm now heading over to your site to purchase for my friends! Your voice is so beautiful! I can't wait for your new album to come out. Will you ever get to AZ??
Jacquie

Karen said...

praying along with you, Sarah. I can't even imagine how difficult this is for you.

Amy R. said...

I just heard "Christmas in Heaven" on the Seattle station over the internet! Part of me is so excited for you and because I can now say, "I went to church with a famous singer/songwriter." But the other part of me is in tears because of the heartache you've had to endure to get to this point. I am praying for you and your beautiful family!

Anonymous said...

Beautiful song! Thanks for sharing your story. I pray that you and your children have Jesus' arms wrapped arround you this holiday season.

Anonymous said...

Sarah
My daughter has just had a miscarriage this past week along with several other things go wrong in their life but I just keep telling her next week will be better and her and her husband's loss will never go away but they know God has the plan and they just have to trust him, I can't even pretend to understand your grief but I want you to know that I am praying for you and your kids. Kim

Anonymous said...

Sarah
My daughter has just had a miscarriage this past week along with several other things go wrong in their life but I just keep telling her next week will be better and her and her husband's loss will never go away but they know God has the plan and they just have to trust him, I can't even pretend to understand your grief but I want you to know that I am praying for you and your kids. Kim

Ginger said...

Sarah,

It was so great to talk to you this past week and hear the happiness in your voice. Keep up the good work! I love your music!

Ginger

bubba said...

Sarah, thanks again for the lotion... I think its starting to help. I had fun hangin' with micah today and its on for the bball game tm. Its gonna be alright though, Ill only use my left hand. See ya tommorow, were havin a snowday.
-bubba-

Sarah Schieber said...

Kim ~ I am so thankful you are there for your daughter . . . I'm sure you are a source of encouragement to her. The truth is that whether or not next week is better, God is still good and faithful and they WILL be o.k.! In Matthew the Word tells us that "His eye is on the sparrow . . . and He is watching over us." That happens to be one of my very favorite songs. Today, that is a promise to your daughter . . . God IS watching over both she and her husband ~ EVEN, and especially, in the hard times. May God bless you all with strength!

And Jaquie - if you read this . . . I would LOVE to come to Arizona! Got any connections? :-)

Alex Fraser said...

Sarah -

The title of your post instantly made me think of a song a friend of mine in Nashville did on his previous album. You can see a rough copy of him performing of it here -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWqunkUl-Eg

But check it out on iTunes for a better version. There are few songs I know of that speak of the Refuge we can receive from only one.

Keri Burns said...

Sarah,
I have been reading your blog for quite some time now, but this one really got me. You have such a beautiful way with words. When you described Micah searching for your hand at night, holding your thumb, saying "I love you", and laying his hand on your chest, I began to cry tears that only a mommy understands. It was like I could feel my son doing the same thing as Micah, perhaps not for the same reason, but for the security of knowing that mommy is there. You are such a wonderful mommy, and you are absolutely awesome for your babies! I don't ever want to be annoyed with my kids needing me in the middle of the night 'because they lost their covers'... ever again. Thank you for imparting some perspective on my life, and Thank God for opening my heart to see how I can be a better mommy for my babies. Blessings, Keri.