Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Voting day! Finally! We can get back to life as normal . . . please get out and vote.

Today, I am going to tell you about two precious babies. My little Micah and his buddy Mary. Many of you know about our new puppy Miah. Well, when I set out to find a puppy, I called a lady in our church that I had heard of but had never met. Her name is Marni, and in no time at all Marni and I have become the best of friends. (Are you confused, yet? These are a lot of "M" names.) Our kids are similar in ages, and that makes puppy play dates (they have three dogs) really fun for all of us.

Marni's youngest is Mary. Mary is 8 years old. My youngest is Micah. Micah is 7 years old. They both have birthdays the first week in December. I remember Marni telling me, when we first met, that her little Mary is her 'fireball.' The one you never know what to expect from. The one who lives larger than life. That would pretty much sum up my Micah. We call him our 'enigma,' because there is so much more going on behind his eyes than you could ever know. The first five years of his life the most frequently spoken words were "Where's Micah?" He would quietly wander off to follow the garbage truck down the street or to follow a snake across town!

Surely I digress . . . back to 2008. It seems that little Mary has a bit of a crush on Micah. At kids camp this summer she informed my daughter, Abbi, that she should marry Micah. She is the MOST adorable kid I think I've ever met . . . so I am happy to betroth my child to her :-) We recently all went to a movie and Marni and I made the mistake of letting Mary and Micah sit way at the end of the aisle next to one another . . . all through the movie all we heard was 'giggle, giggle, giggle!" The two of them are two peas in a great big pod! Mary smiles her way through life and Micah giggles his way through life. They are so much fun together. You can just kinda see the wheels turning the whole time they are playing. Mary has also informed her mom that they should go on a date for their birthdays. If they go to Applebee's they can get two appetizers for the price of one AND each get a free dessert. In fact, she said, if they get married they can celebrate their birthdays like that every year and that should be perfect!

Yesterday, Mary looked at Marni and with concern in her eyes asked, "Mom, what is devil oping?" Of course, as you and I would also be, Marni was completely confused. "Devil oping?" She asked. "Yeah," Mary replied, "what is devil oping?" "Well, Mary, I don't know. Where did you hear about it?" "Well," Mary said, "I know I shouldn't have, but I peaked on my report card and at the top it says that I am devil oping." How sweet is that? In case you haven't looked at a report card in a while, one of the categories is 'developing.'

Now on to my little enigma and a story that breaks my heart. One thing I have learned about grief is that you never know when it may hit. You can be smiling one minute and weeping in a heap on the floor the next . . . literally! As many of you know, I grilled yesterday. Truly, just the fact that I actually cooked is sign of healing. I was so proud of myself that not only did I make a healthy meal, but I also used Chad's grill.

After dinner, my best friend, Hillary, and I were going to run to the mall. Dan and Hillary live about two minutes away, and Dan is a daddy to my kids, so I was taking the boys over there to hang out with Uncle Danny while us ladies were out (Abbi was at a friends house.)

I need to back up a couple weeks to another two minute car ride where Micah asked on the way to school one morning, "Where do people go when they come back from the dead?" You can imagine that it stopped me in my tracks. Micah didn't begin grieving until about July. My understanding of grief in young children is that they can only process a very little bit at a time, so it takes a while. I am just thankful that he finally began to process . . .and I am thankful for our counselor who can speak wisdom into all of this.

Anyhow, that morning on the way to school was tough, and at one point my ten-year-old, Noah, turned to Micah and said very matter of factly, "Micah! Daddy's NOT coming back." Ug, stick a knife in my heart! We talked it all through and I thought that Micah and I had communicated that daddy is not coming back and that some of his questions had been answered. I couldn't believe that for a year this baby had been thinking that his daddy would come back.

Fast forward to last night . . . the boys got to talking about Christmas and Santa and Micah informed me that he was going to ask Santa something that no one else could know. Of course, I begin panicking thinking, "has he figured all this out? Is this his way of outsmarting me? Is this the year when belief in Santa comes to an end?"

"Yep," he replied, "no one can know." "Micah, you have to tell at least Mommy." "Nope, its just between me and him." Noah being the older, wiser, non-believing brother said, "Micah, that's not the way it works." "I don't care, I'm not telling."

By now my wheels are beginning to spin, and yes, my friend, just as you are I was beginning to connect the dots. As my mind raced (remember, this is only a two minute car ride!) and I wondered how to direct this conversation, my precious baby piped up from the back seat, "Mama, if daddy comes back to life will he be able to get out of the grave?" Oh, the dagger that just drove through my heart! The joy of healing stripped away with the innocent question of a seven year old who's daddy is dead. "Baby, is that what you are going to ask Santa? Are you going to ask him to bring daddy back?" . . . . from the back a very soft, sweet, "yeah."

Dear God . . . please hold Micah when reality hits. Please, may we all be there for this precious little guy when he finally realized that his daddy is not coming back. Lord, please hold his little heart and emotions in Your loving hands and help guide us all through this. We need you, Lord. We need You so desprdesperatelyp;

May little Micah and little Mary bring joy and friendship into one another's lives!


Anonymous said...

Oh Sarah. I miss Micah! He was such a joy in my Rainbows class.

I am also praying for you guys regularly and still. I'm so glad that the Lord has provided you with such wonderful friends as Marni and Hillary.

It is exciting (and yet, sad) to read about your recording sessions and plans for the future. I understand (as much as I possibly can) how you must be feeling through all of this. I have been so awed as I read of how God has been working in your healing.


Paula S said...

thanks for sharing this :)
Sarah, you're so gifted with your story-telling and writing. Your book is going to be wonderful!

cathy dornbos said...

Praying Sarah for you and your babies,,,that the Lord fills Micah's heart as well as yours where there is a void, and I pray for hope to rise in your family that one day you will all be reunited. you have friends crying/praying with you in your loss,
You have wrote so beautiful thus far I believe God will give you the words as you write. Cathy

ssbean said...

I found your blog through Jen's. I just wanted to say that your family will be in my prayers, especially as the holidays approach. God will give all of you the strength and wisdom as you need it. My prayers are with Micah, as it sounds like reality will hit pretty soon for him. I know that God will comfort him when it does happen.

Jen said...

I am thrilled to hear such innocent ideas coming from Mary and Micah's mouth. I was so excited to see all of you at Applebee's celebrating his birthday, with who I can only assume was Mary, yet when the dessert arrived and the song began, he curled up into you. I was a little confused, but we often see shy kids who don't entirely enjoy being sung to in front of an entire crowd of people. Later, as I passed by your table, I heard you tell him that "No, mommy is not getting remarried soon." It broke my heart and I thought how awful for a baby to have such adult worries on his mind. Unsure of what to do, I sat next to him and did my best to take his mind off of the topic and back onto his birthday celebration. I don't know if it worked, but I pray that it helped. I went home that night, affected in a way that I haven't been since Chad's funeral. It is amazing to me that someone who I only met a few times, could have the impact on my life that Chad has...that your entire family has. Glen R, Logan and I continue to pray for you and your children.

Never have I met someone like you, Sarah, and I want you to know that you are a blessing in my life. You and Chad both. Your story and continued grace through such a tragedy has helped me to be a better person and has renewed my faith, waivering as it had been for some time, in God.

THANK YOU and we look forward to seeing you soon.